The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 36: Cheerleading Chants and the Damage Done


Kalina awoke suddenly to her door banging shut and up, grabbing a loaded crossbow she had left on her bedside table. Upon seeing it was only Legolas she relaxed, dropped the weapon and slumped back down.

“I understand. I SO understand,” gasped Legolas, staggering over to Kalina.

“What the fuck are you on about?” grumbled Kalina, trying to bury herself under her bedding to hide from the daylight that was trying to beam through her drapes.

“The Noldor. The appeal… they’re godlike!” replied Legolas, crawling into bed.

“What time is it?” demanded Kalina suspiciously.

“Couple hours after dawn?” hazarded Legolas.

“What’s wrong with your room?” snapped Kalina in accordance with her cheery morning moods.

“I can’t physically walk that far,” pleaded Legolas.

“Fine. Just shut up and let me sleep. I don’t know how much wine I wound up drinking last night but I think it may almost have been too much,” muttered Kalina, moving aside to make room for the prince.

“And they chose ME!” sighed Legolas blissfully.

“No, they randomly spiked one of our drinks and it happened to be consumed by you,” retorted Kalina nastily, longing to get more sleep.

“Do I detect a note of jealousy?” inquired Legolas smugly.

“Don’t make me shoot off one of your testicles,” warned Kalina, finding herself feeling slightly nauseous and tormented by a growing headache. “I made the fatal mistake of drinking at least two bottles of that very tasty Mirkwood red, then decided it was a great idea to get into some vile drinking game with my brothers and we wound up using vodka because we were all too drunk to get the cork out of a bottle of wine. So if you don’t shut up and let me get some sleep this crossbow gets used on your crotch point-blank.” Extending an arm to move her crossbow from the bed back onto the table, Kalina turned to glare at Legolas for emphasis but much to her annoyance found he had passed out in the middle of her death threat.

Plotting vengeance against him when he awoke, Kalina turned over and returned to sleep.

Much to her displeasure and the continuation of what now appeared to be a hangover (not that Kalina would ever admit to having one), Kalina was woken up two hours later by some excitable shouting.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” she groaned as she heard her father shout her name. “You’re not here, you never were, and never have been,” she hissed at Legolas who was awake yet surprisingly calm.

“I know the drill,” said Legolas, rolling over and trying to get back to sleep. Kalina grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged on it. Instantly the elf was wide awake and snarling at her.

“You’re NOT going back to sleep. Not if I have to be awake and suffering a shitty headache and what sounds like either an emergency or me in severe trouble,” snapped Kalina, her sunny disposition shining ever brighter.

“Oh fine. You’re no fun at all today, you know that?” sighed Legolas, sliding out of bed fully clothed but somewhat rumpled and dishevelled.

“Fuck, you really ARE having issues with walking properly,” said Kalina, watching Legolas stagger to her bathroom.

“It’s a good kind of pain,” assured Legolas before shutting the door. Kalina hurriedly dressed and swiftly departed to find her father.

“What are you screaming about?” demanded Kalina, finding her father along with other denizens in the garden staring at something. She tried to peer past them but was too short to see past Glorfindel’s shoulders in particular.

“HALDIR!! HE’S EVIL!!” yelled Elrond, grabbing Kalina and shaking her.

“What are you on about?” she asked, cringing and grasping her head in a futile attempt to fend off the agony of her father’s shouting at close range.

“Sorry sweetheart. Hangover? Never mind. But HALDIR!!” Elrond started to get carried away then remembered to be sympathetic. “Haldir. He’s back but he’s got some outlandish device on him and is threatening to kill us all unless we surrender to his new master!” Elrond managed to keep hoiceoice muted but it was obvious he was outraged and confused.

“I’ll go get my crossbow. Eru knows his head is too big a target to miss,” said Kalina, perking up slightly.

“Unfortunately I already offered but apparently there’s diplomatic consequences,” muttered Maglor, crossing his arms and sounding petulant.

“What level of diplomatic consequences are we talking about? I mean, you’ve got the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood as in-laws…” hinted Kalina optimistically.

“NO! Enough of that! Anyway the damned thing might go off and he’s close enough to kill us,” snapped Elrond, trying to get away from all this talk of killing Haldir.

Sighing, Kalina pushed past her father and stared at the bedraggled blonde figure about ten feet away with a device of some foreign making strapped to him.

“Are you SURE that’s Haldir? He actually looks like he’s seen a fight,” said Kalina to Glorfindel.

“I HEARD THAT! AND LET ME SAY IT WILL BE A PLEASURE TO SACRIFICE MY LIFE TO DESTROY THOSE AS CORRUPT AND AMORAL AS YOU! PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!!” screamed Haldir.

“Yeah, that’s Haldir,” said Aragorn.

“Haldir, calm down. Are you sure you’re really that keen on dying?” Elrond inquired politely, not wanting to agitate Haldir further.

“YES!!” screamed Haldir in response. “Osama bin Laden has shown me the truth! With my death I shall be martyred and pass into paradise!”

“Well, that’s all well and good but think about all the things you’ll miss out on!” tried Elrond.

“Yeah!! Like getting Kalina to strip for you!” shouted Aragorn.

“OI!” yelled Kalina. “I still owe you a beating for that other remark!”

“What remark?” demanded Glorfindel, looking paranoid.

“Nothing that concerns you in any way whatsoever,” said Elladan quickly, really not wanting to dredge up last night’s
revelations that had been so carefully treated with vast amounts of alcohol to prevent further recurrence. Glorfindel regarded the elder of Elrond’s sons with suspicion, then decided to let the matter drop.

“What’s going on?” asked Legolas, finally turning up.

“Haldir’s gone mad and wants to kill us all because he’ll become a martyr and Daddy won’t let us kill him,” said Kalina.

“Maybe Aragorn has a point and seeing strip might convince him to…” Maglor began to suggest but was interrupted.

“What was that?” snapped Elrond, paternal instinct suddenly kicking in, taking his attention away from the volatile Haldir.

“Nothing, nothing,” said Maglor quickly.

“Only it sounded to me like you wanted my daughter to take off her clothes in public…” began Elrond.

“OI!!! PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION TO ME!! I’M THE ONE WITH WHOM YOUR FATES LIE!!” shouted Haldir angrily, taking a few steps closer.

“Remind me to have words with Maglor later,” muttered Elrond to Glorfindel, his attention reverting to Haldir. “Now Haldir, don’t do anything rash,” called out Elrond. He then turned to his family and comrades. “Do any of you have something to smoke? I’m running out of random ‘don’t kill yourself’ platitudes.”

“Yeah, here,” said Legolas, reaching in his pocket and pulling out a somewhat battered joint.

“Bless you!” said Elrond, snatching the spliff from Legolas and sparking up. “There. That’s better. Right. Maglor? You get all wretched and miserable. What do people tell you when you start whinging about ending it all?”

Maglor shot Elrond a particularly ferocious glower of self-pity and wrath.

“Stop being such a gloomy cunt?” suggested Glorfindel. The glower now rotated evenly between both elf lords.

“Well that won’t work…” muttered Elrond. Kalina rolled her eyes. Even in a crisis her father seemed keen on turning things over to a committee. She then glanced over at the increasingly agitated-looking Haldir and noticed that he was sniffing the air with a look of longing on his face.

The alluring scent of the Shire weed floated over to Haldir, playing havoc with his newly indoctrinated mind. Just a day ago he had taken a vow of sobriety and was already starting to regret it slightly. Still, if abstinence from such sins led to paradise…

Watching Haldir’s reactions, an idea formed in Kalina’s hangover-ridden mind. A heated discussion had broken out amongst her father, brothers, and Glorfindel and Maglor, plus Arwen had now turned up and was clin wor worriedly to Aragorn while Legolas hovered by the Lord of Imladris, hoping that Elrond would start passing that joint around. Glancing around to ensure nobody was paying too much attention to her, Kalina reached into her cleavage and pulled out a spliff she had stashed while dressing.

“Fancy a smoke before you go?” offered Kalina. Haldir stared at her coldly. “I mean, seeing as you’re going to die and probably take me down with you, we may as well both go out high.” She struck a match and lit the joint as she put it to her lips, inhaling deeply and savouring the smoke. All the while she watched Haldir, and noticed his lip start to quiver ever so slightly as she exhaled.

“I took a vow against such things,” muttered Haldir, closing his eyes and stating the words as if a mantra.

“Really? That’s a shame. All the same, you’d think if you were martyring yourself your newfound god or ruler or whatever the fuck you’re worshipping right now would forgive a few hits of that stuff Legolas grows so well,” sighed Kalina, then taking another deep draw of smoke.

“You know… you DO have a point there.” Haldir began to take a few hesitant steps towards Kalina.

“Hang on, don’t get so close. I don’t want this sparking you off before we’re done smoking it!” snapped Kalina. Haldir’s features began to darken, forcing Kalina to tack on a quick, “if you don’t mind too much. After all, I’d like to at least finish this first.”

“Oh FINE. You’re such a demanding bitch. Even when you’re about to die and burn in the pits of hell, tormented by Shaitan and his demons,” muttered Haldir, starting to remove the complex assortment of wires and a vest of sorts. “Hand it over!” he demanded, tg tog to snatch the joint from Kalina.

“Oh, you’re SUCH a gullible cunt,” sighed Kalina, then suddenly grabbing the front of Haldir’s shirt and slamming her forehead into his face. The elf staggered backwards, not quite unconscious but well on his way there. Kalina tackled him and pinned him down with surprising ease. She glanced over her shoulder and was most eeraterated to see the commotion still goon. on.

Getting to her feet, she reached down and grabbed Haldir’s hair and dragged him roughly over to her father and tapped him on the shoulder.

“What is it, dear?” asked Elrond.

“Crisis averted. Don’t worry. He’s not dead. Just bruised, bleeding and possibly concussed,” said Kalina, releasing Haldir’s hair. His head hit the ground and he groaned slightly. “See?”

“Oh! That’s fantastic! How’d you manage that?” asked Elrond, embracing Kalina tightly. “And why do you have blood on your face?”

“I lured him over with drugs then got him to take off that death-thingyhad had on, followed by a swift smashing of my head into his face. Which also explains the blood. All his.” Kalina smiled, clearly pleased with herself.

“Well go wash that off your face. You! me me a hand with Haldir,” said Elrond, pointing at Legolas, still hovering but less hopeful Elrond was going to share the diminishing joint.

Wondering whether all that was really getting out of bed for, Kalina wandered back to her room, still smoking her spliff.