Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 37

Aragorn strode out of the bedroom looking incredibly smug with himself and sat himself down next to Legolas, smirking. He too had found a similar dressing gown to Haldir's and was feeling exceptionally good about himself. At last, people were starting to give him the respect he deserved. Well, this of course assumed that women's wanting to have sex with him was equivalent to respect. After all, weren't kings supposed to have that impact? That, and be able to cure all sorts of nasty things like dandruff and hangovers.

"What are you looking so bloody pleased about?" demanded Haldir. "You do realize that we're all going to die, since that useless irresponsible harlot is probably going to abandon us to a gory death because she'll want to spend an eternity reveling in evil."

"I doubt that, actually. She'd get bored too quickly," said Legolas. Aragorn nodded, still smirking. Legolas looked the human over suspiciously, and punched him rather aggressively in the shoulder. "YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD!!! Why YOU?! THAT WAS MY IDEA!!!"

"Yes, but you see, I'm going to be king. It's a sign. Elven women flocking to me, unable to keep their hands off of me... I AM DESTINED TO BE KING!!!" Aragorn sat up and tried to look proud and regal like his forebears, but couldn't wipe that smirk off his face.

"Ahem... full blooded ELF prince here," snapped Legolas.

"Oh shut up. You've had more sex than either of us," snapped Haldir. "And those two would sleep with anything as long as it had some kind of pulse or rigor mortis."

"But I've wanted Kalina in a threesome since I first met her," whined Legolas.

"What, all of three days ago?" snorted Haldir.

"Yes! And preferably with you rather than another female," he added.

"You sick fuck! NEVER! I value remaining intact. Fuck knows what sort of sadistic nastiness she'd impose on me," sniffed Haldir, his voice trembling slightly as he uttered the words 'sadistic' and 'nastiness'. Legolas picked up on this and arched an eyebrow in amusement. "Look. Unlike you I have dignity when it comes to females. I'm not going to let some upstart brat treat me like her pet. It's called self-respect!"

"Hah. Denial more like," said Aragorn.

"Yep. I'd let her kick the shit out of me any day even if it was because that was the only way I'd have contact with her," sighed Legolas. Aragorn nodded in agreement.

"Fiancé... betrothed... engaged... So when are you thinking of having the wedding?" asked Haldir, his voice dripping with feigned innocence as Aragorn suddenly turned an unwholesome green colour. "I'm sure Arwen wouldn't mind you inviting her sister and grandmother along on your honeymoon either..."

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP OKAY I WAS WRONG IT WAS MORALLY REPHRENSIBLE I'M SORRRRRRRRRRYYYYYY!!!!!!" wailed Aragorn, throwing himself on his knees and groveling in front of Haldir.

"Oh, you poor man. I'm sorry!" said Haldir, suddenly taking advantage of the stricken human and stroking his hair.

"And I'll just leave you to it," said Legolas, seeing where his was headed. Heuelyuely wondered where Sauron was and decided to hazard pestering Kalina and Galadriel as Haldir continued to play on Aragorn's emotional torment in an effort to coerce him into more sex. He knocked cautiously at the door.

"We're only morally indecent," yelled Galadriel from inside. Legolas opened the door to find her and Kalina sitting on the bed with a bottle of tequila between them, taking turns drinking from it. The two of them were still basking in an orgasmic afterglow.

"Congratulations. Aragorn is on his way to a mental breakdown and is currently being seduced by Haldir," said Legolas, hopping onto the bed and trying to grab the tequila bottle.

"Beg for it..." ordered Kalina.

"Please, beautiful mistress, bestow unto me booze?" Before the sentence was finished, Galadriel grabbed the bottle and shoved it between his lips, tilting his head back.

"Gaahck! Bitch!" snapped Legolas, sputtering tequila. "That burns!" he added indignantly, backing away from Galadriel and towards Kalina.

"Aw, play nice with him," said Kalina protectively, wrapping her arms around Legolas's shoulders.

"I'm actually here to ask you when Sauron is going to be back," said Legolas, although he wasn't objecting to the presence of alcohol and the feel of Kalina's bosom pressing against him.

"Probably soon. I suppose I'd better do the dutiful evil woman bit and pretend I've been watching over you and sowing misery and that sort of thing," said Kalina with a sigh. She slid off the bed and herded the other two out of the room. "Desist the
canoodling," she barked as they entered the room. Haldir and Aragorn guiltily pulled apart and tried to look innocent, despite the fact that there was no way this could be accomplished, what with the human cowering on his lap. Kalina picked up the discarded shackles.

"Oh no. I'm NOT letting the likes of you chain me up," said Haldir warily, pushing Aragorn off his lap and trying to back away from Kalina further into his chair.

"Fine. Legolas, you do the honors and shut this insecure buffoon up," said Kalina, passing the chains to Legolas.

"I'm not insecure. I just have far too much dignity to allow some reprehensible brat of Elrond's to subdue me in any way," Haldir haughtily replied.

"Will you just shut the fuck up or will I have to get Celeborn to force you into really inane and mind-numbingly awful tasks once we get home?" Galadriel snapped. At this point the door swung open. Sauron had returned, beaming lovingly at Kalina and making her feel exceedingly awkward and nauseated. His attention then turned to the others.

"What is this?" he demanded.

"I'm just re-shackling your victims dear," said Kalina. "And next time round let me know if you're sending orcs my way. Oh, and send someone to get rid of that body," she added, pointing to the orc carcass that everyone had just seemingly forgotten about till now.

"Here. I'll take over. You shouldn't bother yourself with such menial tasks. I'll get them out of the way and then we can have some time to ourselves before the big event," said Sauron.

"Sounds great... I'm going to go get stoned," said Kalina absently, prodding Legolas in the ribs indicating he should follow. "I've come up with a particularly time-consuming diversion that I can probably deploy in the next hour which means that we can happily make a run for it," she whispered.

"Yes, but none of us know the way out, remember?" hissed Legolas.

"I'll shout at an orc until it gives in," said Kalina. "Sauron is getting under my skin in a rather severe way. He's all clingy
and monogamous! That's just wrong!" Her voice, though quiet, carried the fear she had over excessively clingy men.