The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 35: Rather Cruel Noldor Entertainment


“Oh come on. It’s not lyou’you’re the only one here bereft of eyebrows!” protested Elrond as Maglor up the stairs that led out from Elrond’s subterranean laboratory.

“Bite me. I’m going to sit in my room. We’re probably all doomed and now you’ve robbed me of my eyebrows and therefore my right to die with dignity,” replied Maglor, pausing for this statement, then slamming the cellar door behind him. He was not feeling very happy right now.

Maglor had a tendency to go through these cycles. For a while everything seemed great and life was an ecstatically joyful experience. This sensation never lasted and generally gave way to a feeling of unshakeable doom and woe, such as he was feeling right now. In experimenting with the keg on the goblin’s back, Maglor had lost his eyebrows as Elrond cunningly stood back and suggested that Maglor do the honours of seeing how flammable the black powder in the keg was.

Hurt by Elrond’s clear lack of respect for him, Maglor slunk away from the basement, looking moody.

“So. He got you too,” said Glorfindel as Maglor walked into the great hall where his friend was busy occupying himself by cleaning some weapons. He looked up at Maglor who stared in mild horror at the slightly uneven sketched on eyebrows that contrasted grimly with his blonde hair. “And it’s much harder than it looks to get them straight, so you can stop staring at me like that,” he added defensively. Maglor sighed and slumped down onto the floor, crossed his legs and rested his chin on the backs of his hands. Recognising the signs of a depressed Maglor, Glorfindel groaned quietly.

Maglor like this was slightly hard to deal with. But on the other hand, there was something about gloom that made Maglor appear divinely ravishing. The best option here was to try and get the elegant harbinger into some kind of sordid dalliance which had the dual benefit of putting his alluring appearance to good use and shutting up his mournful drivel.

Glancing outside, Glorfindel stared vaguely at the sight of Kalina, her brothers, Legolas, and Aragorn playing some sort of game that involved lots of screaming, running around and hitting the severed goblin head with large sticks. A rather sordid little idea slipped into his head and he turned to grin at his depressed compatriot.

“Have you still got that vial of morning-glory extract?” asked Glorfindel eagerly.

“Yes, but hallucinating isn’t going to ease the pain that is to understand the grim depths of life as I do,” sighed Maglor. Glorfindel slapped him and was rewarded with a surprisingly sensual look of unadulterated sulk.

“That’s not what I had in mind,” snapped Glorfindel, rolling his eyes. Maglor raised an eyebrow, trying desperately to maintain his dramatic façade of doom but unable to quench the curiosity that began to slither into his mind.

The four elves and the human traipsed into house, covered in grime, scratches, and minor bruising.

“You’d better hide that before Ada decides to confiscate it like the last one,” said Elrohir, shoving the head at his twin.

“Hah. You’ll be lucky. If he wants it to put on a stick to warn off other intruders he’ll dredge it out no matter where you stash it,” muttered Kalina darkly, still slightly sore over the paternal depletion of her stash.

“Yeah, he is pissed off enough right now to do th agr agreed Elladan, absently dangling the head by its hair.

“Assuming he ever crawls out of that dungeon he’s been lurking in,” said Aragorn.

“What is it he does down there?” asked Legolas, curious as to where Kalina’s father had been disappearing to over the past day or so.

“I don’t know. He won’t let me down there ever since I discovered just how many things that go ‘bang’ he has stashed away,” replied Kalina sullenly.

“I’ll tell you what he does. HE RAPES US OF OUR EYEBROWS!!!” wailed Maglor, he and Glorfindel suddenly appearing behind the Elrond’s brood and company.

At the sudden appearance of the Noldor, Legolas yelped and slunk behind Kalina.

“Ignore him. He’s being particularly moody this evening,” said Glorfindel smoothly, elbowing his comrade harshly. Maglor shot him yet another sullen stare. “But yes. Your father has managed to make us sacrifice our eyebrows in the name of research so we’re leaving him to his own mad devices. If he wants you to assist him in any way REFUSE,” urged Glorfindel.

“We’ll keep that in mind,” said Elrohir, trying not to grimace at the state of Glorfindel’s attempts at compensating with a somewhat inept makeup job scrawled above his eyes.

“Oooh! Is that an offering of booze I see before me? Come! Let me grasp thee!” said Kalina, noticing for the first time that Maglor was carrying a bottle of wine.

“That’s the idea. We need some comparative sanity,” said Glorfindel, smoothly liberating the bottle of wine before Kalina could attach herself to it. “Care to join us?”

“Not like we’ve got anything better to do,” replied Elrohir.

“Excellent. To the kitchen! It’s quiet there,” said Glorfindel cheerfully. Kalina raised a vaguely sceptical eyebrow and glanced at her brothers who were also convinced he was up to something. Still, if the Noldor were involved it would probably be
entertaining.

Leading the way, Glorfindel entered the kitchen and pulled out several wine glasses. Using his dagger he uncorked the bottle and poured out the wine, his back shielding the glasses from the view of the others and allowing him to slip in the morning glory extract into one of the glasses. Deliberately not paying attention to which glass was which, he randomly passed out the beverages before measuring out a glass for himself and Maglor.

“Now what?” whispered the gloomier of the two Noldor to Glorfindel.

“We wait and see who wins the prize and gets to play with us,” replied Glorfindel quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to himself.

“What are you muttering about?” demanded Kalina.

“Nothing that concerns you,” muttered Maglor darkly. Kalina blinked, surprised at the harsh tone, never having seen Maglor in one of these moods. Although he DID look quite appealing as he pulled his cloak closer around him and inadvertently began to pout.

“Maglor! Be nice!” ordered Glorfindel. Maglor glowered at him, then felt a pang of minor guilt at having been rude to Kalina. After all, he’d become rather endeared to the young elf. It was somewhat hard to remain in a foul mood around someone that forthcoming AND flexible.

Legolas, meanwhile, was sipping his wine with considerable haste. He was still feeling intimidated by the older elves, although he was less terrified of Glorfindel now, having bonded somewhat over the inane goblin attack. It was now Maglor’s erratic mood and almost sinister aura that had him on edge. Further confusing the young prince was the attraction to the raven-haired elf in spite of his fearsome demeanour.

“You keep staring at us expectantly,” commented Elrohir, swiftly draining his glass and waving it at his brother for a top-up.

“We’re reminiscing over a time when we were younger and more carefree,” lied Glorfindel.

“And had eyebrows,” added Aragorn, then hastily fumbling with his glass as two sets of irate expressions bore down on him.

“What did that anyway?” asKaliKalina, intrigued by her father’s mysterious volatile substances.

“Some of that crude oil crap that those freaky looking humans were after. It’s stupidly explosive. Even thoodyoody vapours ignite,” grumbled Glorfindel.

“I don’t suppose you could, perhaps, steal me some?” asked Kalina, using her most polite tones and batting her eyelashes optimistically at the Noldor.

“HAH! I’m not going down there any time soon,” snorted Maglor.

“Please?” begged Kalina, continuing to cultivate an aura of adorableness.

“No.” His response had a finality to it that brooked no further discussion. Pouting slightly, Kalina desisted from pestering him. Pretty as he was, moping bastards tended to get under her skin from time to time. She glanced over at Legolas, who seemed to be staring off intently at something. “Are you alright?” she asked.

“Huh?” Legolas turned to blink slowly at Kalina, then started to smile.

“Oh look. The little Sindarin prince is off his face,” said Elrohir condescendingly

“Yes. So it appears,” said Elladan, not looking quite as convinced as his sibling. He remembered being the victim of a similar ploy a couple centuries back which had been entertaining enough except for the two hour bout of THE FEAR. Since then he’d steered clear of morning glory extract and accepting drinks from Maglor and Glorfindel.

“Ooooh… the floor’s made of a gelatinous gloop! But I can’t break the surface…” Legolas repeated stamped his boot into the floor, then beamed. “SEE? It RIPPLES!!”

“Did you steal my mushrooms?” demanded Aragorn, recognising the early signs of an elf in throe of hallucinations.

“Legolas?” Kalina waved a hand in front of his face, trying to attract his attention. He followed her hand’s movement vaguely, then clasped it and tried to bite it. “AH!!” Kalina tore away from him and jumped back. “Eww! You drooled on it!”

“Here. We’d better strap him down. I think the vial of morning glory extract I had hidden in my sleeve must have broke and I accidentally spiked his drink,” lied Glorfindel.

“Uh-huh,” said Kalina, somewhat suspicious.

“Look. We’ll make sure he gets well looked after,” said Maglor, assisting Glorfindel in leading away the prince, now singing softly to himself.

“Oh. So THAT is what they were up to,” said Elrohir, suddenly twigging. Elladan rolled his eyes and smacked him upside the head.

“Why the fuck do you think I wait until everyone else has finished off their drinks before I start mine? You know their sense of humour,” grumbled Elladan. He turned to Kalina who was watching the departing Noldor with a mixture of amused
confusion on her face.

“Well at least that should finally sort out his fucking neurosis over being attractive,” sighed Aragorn, relieved.

“They really didn’t need to drug him,” said Kalina.

“Wait a minute. Neurosis?” inquired Elrohir, keen for more ways to mock his sister’s plaything.

“Oh yeah. He was getting all worked up because he got stuck under Kalina’s bed while she and Glorfindel did all sorts of nasty things and it scarred him,” said Aragorn, bly fly forgetting Kalina’s nearby presence and sounding a lot like a gossipy old
woman.

“What?” Kalina’s brothers turned to stare at their little sister.

“Thank you for that, you worthless human,” growled Kalina as her brothers regarded her in what looked like a blend of awe and distaste. “Erm… I was drunk at the time?” tried Kalina, trying to break the awkward silence that began to descend.

Finally, Elrohir spoke. “You lucky bitch! He hasn’t paid me any attention in decades!”

“I really didn’t need or want to know that,” said Kalina dryly. “In fact, I feel the distinct urge to get violently drunk in order to erase the undesired images my mind’s eye is now foisting on me.” With that she opened a cupboard and grabbed several bottles of wine and deposited them on the table.

“That’s probably the sanest thing I’ve heard all day ,” agreed Elladan, also feeling decidedly certain he wanted little to no knowledge of his sister’s sex life.

“And remind me to hurt you lots tomorrow,” added Kalina, shooting Aragorn a dirty look as she violently accosted the cork with her dagger.