Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,052
Reviews:
4
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,052
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Of Wizards and Opium
Chapter 36
Meanwhile, back in Lothlorien things were happening. Mostly these things involved Elrond and Celeborn skulking indoors and smoking an assortment of drugs and being irresponsible since they could get away with it now that Galadriel had been abducted.
"My Lord!! I bring news!" A messenger climbed up onto the flet where Elrond and Celeborn were reclining, smoking opium.
"HUZZAH!!! Is it my dealer?!" asked Celeborn happily. His eyes were glazed and red, and he struggled to focus and repress his grin at the same time. Elrond, by contrast, was a far more dignified opium fiend and looked almost respectable except for the slight glint in his eyes that indicated his brain was hovering about the same regions of space as the moon. Vaguely aware of what was going on, he started to fill his opium pipe again, then reclined on a mass of pillows on his side, taking several leisurely puffs, then finally closing his eyes and exhaling with satisfaction.
"No, it is Mithrandir," replied the messenger.
"YAY!! It's Gandalf!! He'll have more opium!!!" said Celeborn, clapping his hands manically. "Bring him to us!!!"
"My Lord, he has bad news..." tried the messenger.
"Oh shut up. You're harshing my buzz," snapped Elrond vaguely.
"Look. Just bugger off and get him!! AND TELL HIM TO BRING MUNCHIES!!!" shouted Celeborn, before slumping backwards with a smile on his face. He shut his eyes and dozed, marveling at the weird opium images projecting themselves on his eyelids. Moments later he felt something prod him.
"Up! UP! Useless elf!!" shouted Gandalf, prodding Celeborn repeated with his staff.
"Hello Mister Wizard!!!" said Celeborn cheerfully.
"Where is Galadriel? Tell me the news I heard is not true," snarled Gandalf, bending over and shaking Celeborn.
"Ignore the cunt, old friend. He's fucking useless. Here, calm yourself while I answer your questions," said Elrond, sitting up and appearing miraculously dignified. He had mastered getting trashed on an assortment of narcotics in many situations and was always able to conduct himself in a refined manner when the occasion required it. Whether he'd remember what the fuck he'd said the day before didn't matter. The point was he could usually get away with it. He proffered a brick of opium and a pipe at Gandalf. The wizard let go of Celeborn who rolled away giggling and sat down beside Elrond.
"Is it true Galadriel has been abducted by Sauron?" demanded Gandalf. Elrond stared at him.
"No. Orcs. NOT Sauron. Orcs..." said Elrond, as if explaining something to Aragorn when the human really fucked him off.
"Orcs under Sauron's control!! How much have you two been smoking?" groaned Gandalf, all the while loading up a pipe of his own. Still, he was a wizard. He was Gandalf the Grey. He could out-smoke almost anyone... except for that damned harlot of a daughter Elrond had who just seemed immune to Shire weed. You'd be up with her till dawn and every time you were about to pass out she'd draw you in on some terrifying tangent of psychedelic realizations and start rolling another obscenely large joint. That girl was terrifying both in her intake of recreational substances and her aggression. All the same, Gandalf couldn't help adoring her like a grandchild and was yet another one of her older indulgent drug dealers. Even though he had rushed to Lothlorien in a hurry, the wizard had remembered to score a quarter of a particularly potent stuff hybrid Bilbo had introduced him to.
"Oh... that makes sense. Actually, no, it doesn't... WHAT THE HELL IS SAURON DOING IN THESE PARTS?" demanded Elrond, suddenly paranoid and grabbing Gandalf and shaking him.
"Desist!!! I'm trying to smoke!! Give me a minute!" Gandalf reached for his staff, which caused Elrond to back off quickly. Leaning back against a cushion, he inhaled deeply from a slender jade opium pipe. "I though you'd gone off opium," he commented, blowing three or four poppies out of the opium smoke.
"We got talking about how much Kalina has grown up and I got all nostalgic about the night I got her mother knocked up. That reminded Celeborn about some opium he'd forgotten about because he'd hidden it from Galadriel and so we got smoking
and here we are now!" Elrond looked pleased with himself for being able to explain things so well.
"Now apparently Sauron is in the region. My spies say he is somewhere under the Misty Mountains, plotting to use some elves and humans in some ritual that will help him regain some of his lost strength. It was he who commissioned Galadriel's abduction," said Gandalf.
"Fuck! Kalina!" said Elrond, sitting up and going pale with fear.
"Please tell me you did not let her run off to rescue Galadriel?" sighed Gandalf.
"Oh no. We sent her with Haldir! It was my idea you see. And Aragorn went along and Legolas seemed keen too..." said Celeborn, still horizontal.
"Elrond, you do realize you have just sent your adolescent daughter out with three males of questionable reputations into the arms of the Dark Lord himself?" said Gandalf.
"Piss off. I trust them. And I trust Kalina," said Elrond a little too quickly. His dignity was slipping as The Fear crept over him.
"Elrond... As you speak unimaginable horrors may be happening to your child," said Gandalf seriously.
"OH ELBERETH! I'm a TERRIBLE FATHER!!! I'M UTTERLY USELESS!!!" Elrond hunched up and started rocking backwards and forwards, ceasing to scream and his pupils dilating with catatonic terror as he entered a hellish spate of introspective torment.
"Oh sod this. You're both bloody useless. It's always up to ME to sort you idiots out. Right, I'm off. SOMEONE needs to sort this wretched mess out." With that, Gandalf pocketed the rest of their drugs, unnoticed by the two opiate wrecks. He picked up his staff and stormed off, leaving Lothlorien as suddenly has he had arrived.
Meanwhile, back in Lothlorien things were happening. Mostly these things involved Elrond and Celeborn skulking indoors and smoking an assortment of drugs and being irresponsible since they could get away with it now that Galadriel had been abducted.
"My Lord!! I bring news!" A messenger climbed up onto the flet where Elrond and Celeborn were reclining, smoking opium.
"HUZZAH!!! Is it my dealer?!" asked Celeborn happily. His eyes were glazed and red, and he struggled to focus and repress his grin at the same time. Elrond, by contrast, was a far more dignified opium fiend and looked almost respectable except for the slight glint in his eyes that indicated his brain was hovering about the same regions of space as the moon. Vaguely aware of what was going on, he started to fill his opium pipe again, then reclined on a mass of pillows on his side, taking several leisurely puffs, then finally closing his eyes and exhaling with satisfaction.
"No, it is Mithrandir," replied the messenger.
"YAY!! It's Gandalf!! He'll have more opium!!!" said Celeborn, clapping his hands manically. "Bring him to us!!!"
"My Lord, he has bad news..." tried the messenger.
"Oh shut up. You're harshing my buzz," snapped Elrond vaguely.
"Look. Just bugger off and get him!! AND TELL HIM TO BRING MUNCHIES!!!" shouted Celeborn, before slumping backwards with a smile on his face. He shut his eyes and dozed, marveling at the weird opium images projecting themselves on his eyelids. Moments later he felt something prod him.
"Up! UP! Useless elf!!" shouted Gandalf, prodding Celeborn repeated with his staff.
"Hello Mister Wizard!!!" said Celeborn cheerfully.
"Where is Galadriel? Tell me the news I heard is not true," snarled Gandalf, bending over and shaking Celeborn.
"Ignore the cunt, old friend. He's fucking useless. Here, calm yourself while I answer your questions," said Elrond, sitting up and appearing miraculously dignified. He had mastered getting trashed on an assortment of narcotics in many situations and was always able to conduct himself in a refined manner when the occasion required it. Whether he'd remember what the fuck he'd said the day before didn't matter. The point was he could usually get away with it. He proffered a brick of opium and a pipe at Gandalf. The wizard let go of Celeborn who rolled away giggling and sat down beside Elrond.
"Is it true Galadriel has been abducted by Sauron?" demanded Gandalf. Elrond stared at him.
"No. Orcs. NOT Sauron. Orcs..." said Elrond, as if explaining something to Aragorn when the human really fucked him off.
"Orcs under Sauron's control!! How much have you two been smoking?" groaned Gandalf, all the while loading up a pipe of his own. Still, he was a wizard. He was Gandalf the Grey. He could out-smoke almost anyone... except for that damned harlot of a daughter Elrond had who just seemed immune to Shire weed. You'd be up with her till dawn and every time you were about to pass out she'd draw you in on some terrifying tangent of psychedelic realizations and start rolling another obscenely large joint. That girl was terrifying both in her intake of recreational substances and her aggression. All the same, Gandalf couldn't help adoring her like a grandchild and was yet another one of her older indulgent drug dealers. Even though he had rushed to Lothlorien in a hurry, the wizard had remembered to score a quarter of a particularly potent stuff hybrid Bilbo had introduced him to.
"Oh... that makes sense. Actually, no, it doesn't... WHAT THE HELL IS SAURON DOING IN THESE PARTS?" demanded Elrond, suddenly paranoid and grabbing Gandalf and shaking him.
"Desist!!! I'm trying to smoke!! Give me a minute!" Gandalf reached for his staff, which caused Elrond to back off quickly. Leaning back against a cushion, he inhaled deeply from a slender jade opium pipe. "I though you'd gone off opium," he commented, blowing three or four poppies out of the opium smoke.
"We got talking about how much Kalina has grown up and I got all nostalgic about the night I got her mother knocked up. That reminded Celeborn about some opium he'd forgotten about because he'd hidden it from Galadriel and so we got smoking
and here we are now!" Elrond looked pleased with himself for being able to explain things so well.
"Now apparently Sauron is in the region. My spies say he is somewhere under the Misty Mountains, plotting to use some elves and humans in some ritual that will help him regain some of his lost strength. It was he who commissioned Galadriel's abduction," said Gandalf.
"Fuck! Kalina!" said Elrond, sitting up and going pale with fear.
"Please tell me you did not let her run off to rescue Galadriel?" sighed Gandalf.
"Oh no. We sent her with Haldir! It was my idea you see. And Aragorn went along and Legolas seemed keen too..." said Celeborn, still horizontal.
"Elrond, you do realize you have just sent your adolescent daughter out with three males of questionable reputations into the arms of the Dark Lord himself?" said Gandalf.
"Piss off. I trust them. And I trust Kalina," said Elrond a little too quickly. His dignity was slipping as The Fear crept over him.
"Elrond... As you speak unimaginable horrors may be happening to your child," said Gandalf seriously.
"OH ELBERETH! I'm a TERRIBLE FATHER!!! I'M UTTERLY USELESS!!!" Elrond hunched up and started rocking backwards and forwards, ceasing to scream and his pupils dilating with catatonic terror as he entered a hellish spate of introspective torment.
"Oh sod this. You're both bloody useless. It's always up to ME to sort you idiots out. Right, I'm off. SOMEONE needs to sort this wretched mess out." With that, Gandalf pocketed the rest of their drugs, unnoticed by the two opiate wrecks. He picked up his staff and stormed off, leaving Lothlorien as suddenly has he had arrived.