The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 34: Suicide, Yes. Bombing… Not quite


Kalina was restless. For all intents and purposes, Rivendell was quarantined while Elrond figured out some kind of course of action. So far this had consisted of him spending a lot of time down in the basement of the Last Homely House, a dark and sinister network of strange alchemical implements where Elrond sated his more scientific urge for knowledge. He had seemingly roped in Maglor and Glorfindel to assist him in whatever it was that he was doing, which he had been keeping under wraps much to Kalina’s irritation.

“I’m bored,” she complained, not really caring if either Aragorn or Legolas replied. The three of them were sitting out in the garden on some decorative tree stumps, passing a joint between them and trying to figure out something to do.

“Well it’s not like much has been happening in the past couple of days,” muttered Aragorn, sharing the sentiment. He took a hit and passed the spliff on to Legolas, who finished it off and stubbed out the remains on the still-wet grass from the earlier downpour that morning.

A sudden loud bang resonated from the bowels of the house, diverting the attention of the two elves and Aragorn.

“That sounded like it came from Daddy’s basement of mystery,” said Kalina, looking concerned. A few seconds later, an irate Glorfindel hurried out of the building with Elrond hurrying to keep up with him.

“YOU KNEW IT WAS FLAMMABLE YOU BASTARD!” shouted Glorfindel. He looked somewhat scorched and singed and was lacking eyebrows.

“No, I merely SUSPECTED it. And anyway it’s not like your eyebrows are THAT important,” sniffed Elrond, not even sounding remotely apologetic. Glorfindel glowered at him.

“What was that noise?” asked Kalina, getting up and wandering over to get an up-close view of the damage done.

“One of your father’s stupid experiments gone wrong! LOOK! MY EYEBROWS!!!” wailed Glorfindel.

“Aww… it doesn’t look that bad,” said Kalina sweetly. She glanced over at her father who was looking somewhat smug.

“Are you sure?” demanded Glorfindel defensively.

“Oh yes. Daddy was right. Your eyebrows AREN’T your most attractive feature,” said Kalina, her eyes starting to wander towards Glorfindel’s crotch. In the distance Legolas felt a mild twinge of envy strike him, compelling him to get up and hover around Kalina. Not wanting to feel left out, Aragorn followed.

“Look. It was a hypothesis that the oil was flammable. Now we know that the oil as well as the vapours around it can be igniteo quo quit your whining. Your eyebrows were sacrificed for a good cause,” retorted Elrond.

“And I though we both agreed that loud noises were bad for my nerves? Fuck, I thought I was in Gondolin all over again…” grumbled Glorfindel.

“Yes but you always that’s just because you’ve got an unhealthy fixation with that period in your life. You have no idea how fucking annoying you flashbacks are,” bitched Elrond.

“What oil?” inquired Aragorn, trying to make sense of this all.

“Never you mind! It’s secret! I have a cunning ploy!” snapped Elrond, rubbing his hands gleefully together. Kalina rolled her eyes.

“Is this going to burn down the house?” she sighed.

“Kalina, have some faith in your father. I know what I’m doing.” Elrond looked mildly miffed over his daughter’s accusing gaze.

“Damn right he knew what he was doing! MY EYEBROWS!!!” wailed Glorfindel again.

“You’re really not attractive when you whinge like that,” said Legolas pointedly. Glorfindel glared at the younger elf.

“Come here, lad, and I’ll show you what it’s like to lose your eyebrows!” threatened Glorfindel, pulling out a sharp knife and taking a step tds Lds Legolas who quickly ducked behind Kalina.

“Don’t mind him. He was shaken as a baby,” lied Kalina, trying to placate Glorfindel.

“Well that explains a lot,” replied the veteran, looking disdainfully at Legolas.

“Were you?” inquired Elrond, legitimately curious.

“No,” spat Legolas bitterly, giving the back of Kalina’s head a dirty look. Somehow aware of what he was doing, Kalina casually stepped back and ground her boot heel into Leg’s f’s foot.

“Oops,” she said innocently as Legolas swore and grabbed his foot and started hopping around indignantly.

During this mild dispute, none of them noticed the rustling in the undergrowth and the sudden appearance of a goblin with a small barrel strapped to his back. It cackled a little to itself and began to approach the house as he had been commanded.

Aragorn, who was the least involved in this bizarre argument over whether or not Legolas was brain-damaged and the importance of eyebrows, noticed a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Uhm… I think we have a goblin,” he said, tapping Elrond on the shoulder.

“What? Where?” The Lord of Imladris twisted his head to and fro until he saw the approaching goblin with a manic grn hin his face. “That’s odd,” he said, more curious than anything else.

“Yeah… it seems to be meandering towards us and is alone,” said Glorfindel, suspiciously.

“I’ll go get something to kill it with!!” volunteered Kalina.

“In a minute, dear. I’m intrigued,” said Elrond, tilting his head to the side. “What’s that on its back?” he inquired. The barrel appeared to have some kind of fuse on top of it. The goblin stopped and pulled out a torch and lit it, then tried to use it to light the fuse. It sputtered slightly, then went out as the idiot creature had not bothered to keep it dry during the earlier spate of
rain.

“Hmm… he appears to be trying to detonate something,” noted Elrond, taking an academic interest in this.

“That’s probably a very bad sign, Daddy,” said Kalina, starting to edge away from the goblin just in case.

“Well, let’s just observe it and see what it does,” said Elrond. Glorfindel rolled his eyes. These sounded like famous last words. He too moved back and wrapped his arms protectively around Kalina. The twinge of chagrin returned to Legolas at the sight of this.

“We’ll just stand back here, if it’s all the same to y sai said Glorfindel. At this point, the goblin had given up trying to light the fuse on his back.

In the creature’s dim brain, bin Laden’s orders to suicide bomb Rivendell were a confusing concept. Suicide, he understood. Bombing, he also understood, but the cleric had told the goblin that if he killed himself he would somehow go to an paradisiacal afterlife. However, the keg of flammable powder on his back didn’t seem to want to light.

So the goblin did the logical thing in accordance with his poor grasp of his orders.

He pulled out a sword, took a few menacing leaps forward and let out a shriek, then cut his own head off and fell to the ground, spurting blood all over Elrond and Aragorn from the spray shooting out of his severed neck.

Elrond stared blankly for a minute at the dead creature, vaguely wiping some of the blood from his face . “Well that was probably the most pointless infiltration I’ve ever seen,” he said, as the jet of blood reduced to a stream flowing onto his lawn as Aragorn cursed and tried to wipe some of the gore off his clothes but only managing to rub the blood in deeper. “I mean really. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?!?”

Kalina, Glorfindel, and Leg loo looked at each other and all tension between the three of them began to fade as they all started to laugh hysterically at the dead goblin.

“It’s NOT funny! Look at my clothes!!” snapped Aragorn. His irritation only added to the mirth of the three elves as Kalina dropped to the ground and began to roll around on the grass with hysterical laughter.

“HONESTLY!!! THIS IS INSULTING!! You’d think that they’d send COMPETENT assailants! But NOOOOOOO!! SEND IN IDIOT TROOPS INSTEAD!” griped Elrond, stepping for and and prodding the corpse with his foot. “Aragorn, give me a hand with this,” he ordered, trying to detach the keg on thelin’s bas back.

“He cut his head off!! HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!” shrieked Kalina, still gripped by hysterical glee.

“Is she okay?” asked Elrond, briefly looking at his daughter who was now sitting up and giggling mildly.

“Yes,” said Legolas, trying to hoist Kalina to her feet.

“Sorry. It’s just funny,” said Kalina, still grinning.

“No it’s NOT!” snappedgorngorn, offended by the lack of sympathy he was receiving for being coated in rancid-smelling goblin blood. This merely succeeded in setting off the hysterical elf-laughter that had briefly died down but had yet again erupted.

“Here. Carry this,” said Elrond, shoving the now gore-smeared keg at the ranger.

“Oh, thank you so much,” whinged Aragorn, getting more blood on himself.

“What kind of exiled king are you?” snapped Elrond. “It’s just goblin blood. HONESTLY. How the fuck do you expect to reclaim your kingdom if you’re going to get all hysterical after being coated in some rancid smelling goop?” He stormed off with Aragorn trailing morosely behind, leaving the three elves to calm down.