Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 32

"Aw. He's such a pathetic little human," said Kalina before heading back through to Galadriel.

"Excellent! It may be cheap but this stuff is great," said Galadriel, almost snatching the bottle of gin off of Kalina.

"Never been one for gin, thanks all the same," said Kalina, retrieving her dagger from somewhere on her person and using it to stab the cork out of her wine.

"Now try this on! It'll look fantastic!" urged Galadriel, proffering the dress at Kalina as she swallowed a large mouthful of neat gin.

"Any good at skinning up?" asked Kalina, taking the dress and threatening to throw the weed at Galadriel.

"Been a while but I think I can manage," said Galadriel, taking another short of gin and utterly failed to catch the pouch of weed. She picked it up, then sat down on the bed and found some skins on the bedside table. Kalina meanwhile decided to put on the dress to placate Galadriel. That and she had a self confessed weakness for velvet.

"Wow. I feel almost civilized," said Kalina, straightening the skirt. It was an incredibly low-cut dress fashioned in tradition of a long line of tight fitting, long vindictive bitch style clothing, suitable for evil overlords' wives and such in a fetching
deep blue color.

"Damn! I see why Arwen is so threatened by you," said Galadriel. Right now she was incredibly pleased there was no blood relation between her and Kalina.

"AHAHAHAHA!! FEAR ME PUNY MINIONS!!!" Kalina waved her arms menacingly then took a swig of wine. "I could get used to life as a menacing trophy wife."

"No you couldn't. You'd get fed up within a week and have killed the poor bastard out of boredom or some twisted asphyxiation thing," said Galadriel, already getting quite pissed and giggling.

"You both sicken me." Haldir had emerged from the bathroom, wearing a fluffy black bathrobe with a red eye embroidered on the back.

"Haldir, that belongs to Sauron," said Kalina.

"Hah. He's not going to kill me until later. What's the worst he could do?" snorted Haldir, trying to grab Kalina's wine. She growled at him and clutched at the bottle as Galadriel adjusted the roach before lighting the joint she had finished rolling.

"You'd be amazed. He can be quite creative," said Galadriel.

"But it's comfortable and fluffy."

"Fine. There's all sorts of nasty things you can do that won't incapacitate you, merely subject you to agony," said Kalina in her typically dry tone.

"We'd be more than happy to show you," offered Galadriel, smiling sadistically.

"Vile harridans. I'm going to enjoy my last few hours of life with dignity, which means I'll be vacating this room." Haldir stalked off indignantly.

"How have you not had him tortured to death?" asked Kalina.

"He has his uses. Quite a few of them, actually. Try being nice to him. You may be pleasantly surprised..."

"Shut up and go bathe, you irritating slapper," snapped Kalina quickly. Galadriel smirked pointedly at her.

"Fine. And I'm stealing this," she said, waving the spliff at Kalina.

"Fine. I'll just go roll me another and hide all the gin," threatened Kalina as she headed towards the door.

"AH! Fine! Truce?"

"Seriously, you have it. You look like you could do with it," replied Kalina. Uncertain where that confusing sense of generosity came from, she hurried out to torture Haldir and possibly consider consuming actual food.

"It emerges. So, tell me. How does it feel abandoning your friends to suffer and die just so you can get some kind of power kick?" Haldir was slumped in a chair, arching his fingers and glaring accusingly at Kalina.

"First of all, you don't quite count as friend material on account of me wanting to kill you and the feeling being blatantly mutual. Secondly, abandonment has been temporary and the only reason I chose Legolas over the rest of you is for the
sex," said Kalina, exasperation apparent in her voice.

"I too care deeply for you," said Legolas dryly.

"You're complaining?" demanded Kalina.

"Only about the bruises to the spine. But then I think we both learnt about the bad side to mad and depraved sex on a cold marble floor," said Legolas, trying to not to smirk as Haldir was clearly getting more annoyed.

"Cold marble floor sex?" Once again, Aragorn was conscious.

"Yep," said Legolas happily.

"Bastard," said Aragorn, sitting up.

"And since when did you and Galadriel get on so well?" inquired Haldir, changing the subject but still determined to vent his frustrations on Kalina.

"Since I realized we have more in common than previously reckoned. She's obnoxious, vicious, foul-mouthed... she's
everything Arwen isn't. It gives me hope for my gender," said Kalina, acquiring two croissants from the breakfast tray and shoving her way onto the couch between Aragorn and Legolas. The both started to stare at her.

"Can I help you?" asked Kalina.

"You're wearing a dress. I've never seen you wear anything other than armor at formal occasions," said Aragorn.

"And?"

"It's a good thing," said Aragorn.

"A very good thing," agreed Legolas. His head inched towards Kalina to get a better view of her cleavage. He felt a hand grab the back of his head and smack it into Aragorn's as he too had the same idea as the elf.

"At least be subtle about it," snapped Kalina, releasing the two males. "Still, I'm flattered," she added to dispel the glares. It seemed to work. "And don't touch me again until you've bathed, human."

"You didn't seem to object to my state much yesterday," said Legolas, smirking at Haldir. Haldir ignored him.

"That's because you look gorgeous when you're filthy. There's something irresistible about you when you're covered in dirt and blood. I don't know what exactly. I just get overwhelmed with the urge to do terrible things to you," said Kalina.

"So why doesn't the same go for me?" whined Aragorn.

"Because you perpetually look scruffy and unkempt. It's normal. On a prissy blonde elf-boy it's a different matter. It sort of sends my hormones into overdrive and I cannot be held responsible for my actions," explained Kalina. At this one of Haldir's eyebrows twitched but he continued to maintain a contemptuous visage.

"So would I be more attractive if I shaved, then?" asked Aragorn.

"No. Then you'd just look like you but respectable and conformist and sucking up to Elrond," said Legolas.

"The stubble definitely lends something," agreed Haldir. He was actually secretly envious that he couldn't cultivate facial hair. He felt a menacing goatee he could stroke would create a distinguished effect, particularly when talking down at underlings who deserved his contempt. In his almighty opinion, beards were wasted on humans.

"Out of curiosity, when is Sauron getting back?" asked Legolas, instantly killing the mood.

"No idea. I think he expected the orcs to drag you back. If he turns up, drop onto the floor and pretend to cower. I'll take you back to your cells where you can rot for a couple more hours, and then I'll sneak off and liberate you. Then we run for it," replied Kalina calmly.

"Hah. And how do you propose we find ourselves out of this maze?" demanded Haldir.

"I'll convince Sauron I need to wean myself off of daylight or I'll go mad and hormonal and demand to be taken to the entrance. See? I'm a fucking genius." Kalina smiled, pleased with herself. Haldir rolled his eyes.

"Is he really that thick?" he asked.

"Infatuated is probably more accurate. It's rather worrying," said Legolas, shuddering slightly.

"Well, it makes sense. She IS an abomination," muttered Haldir.

"If I was an abomination would I be putting effort into trying to save your sorry ass? Probably not. And I'm not sure
why I'm bothering now. And on that note I'm getting out of this dress that seems to render men more pliable to my deviant ways and put on something I can actually hide sharp things under without them showing through the fabric," said Kalina. Haldir's bitching was grating on her nerves.