The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 30: A Crisis Looms


Elrond drummed his fingers irritably over his desk and double checked the stack of papers in front of him. A few of his maps were missing, the strange outlandish men were gone too, and he had heard some very disturbing noises throughout the course of the night. As he brooded over the situation, a knock sounded on his door.

“Yes?” he demanded as the door swung open and a rather pale Legolas hesitantly entered. “What?” demanded Elrond, lacking patience this morning.

“Have you seen Haldir? He’s not in his room, he wasn’t last night and I can’t seem to find any trace of him,” asked Legolas. There was clearly no point in trying to talk to Aragorn. He clearly didn’t understand the situation he was in.

“NO, I don’t know where he is. And if you find him tell him he’s got a letter from Celeborn. Unless he already knows and that’s why he’s hiding… I don’t know. Is there anything else?” Elrond looked sternly at Legolas. Heok hok his head. “You’ve not seen those two humans, by the way? They just seem to have up and left. I have a hideous feeling that they’ve stolen a few useful maps of this region…” Elrond’s conversation declined into a string of muttered profanities cursing himself for not having the foresight to lock his door and wondering what the fuck he was now landed in.

“No, haven’t seen them,” said Legolas, looking gloomy and wandering back out.

“Legolas! Come back a moment,” said Elrond, a sudden decision coming to him. The elf trudged back in and looked up nervously at Elrond. “Is Kalina awake yet?”

“I wouldn’t know,” said Legolas innocently. Elrond rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yes, of course, you’ve only got the most HONEST intentions when it comes to her… and DON’T look all innocent at me. If she’s anything like I was at that age…” rambled Elrond. “But that’s not the point! And stop looking like I’m about to impale you horribly. I happen to think you’re both good for each other. Anyway go wake her up and round up people. Things must be discussed, an, and don’t tell Kalina I approve of you. I think she gets a kick out of having to sneak around. I know I did…” Elrond began to get nostalgic as Legolas left for Kalina’s, repeatedly smacking himself in the head.

‘Bloody fantastic. I no longer have to worry about Elrond castrating me the same day she probably decides to run off with Glorfindel and live happily ever after with him.’ Legolas just couldn’t seemingly shrug off these upsetting thoughts. What was even more worrying was the fact that this meant he actually had feelings for her that went a little bit further than basic lust and desire.

Legolas opened thor tor to Kalina’s room to find the carnage more or less as he left it and her still fast asleep, a faint smile upon her face. Legolas approached and gingerly tapped her shoulder.

“Hmm?” murmured Kalina without the usual aggression. She opened her eyes and continued to smile faintly as she focused on the elf. “Oh, hello. What do you want?” she asked amicably.

“Weird shit’s happening. Your father wants to call together some of the household to see if they can provide some explanations,” said Legolas a little distantly. “You seem pleased with yourself,” he couldn’t help adding. Kalina, ignoring his tone stretched and sighed blissfully.

“I’ll fill you in on the details later,” said Kalina smugly.

“No, no, that’s fine, really, I’m probably happier not knowing,” said Legolas far too quickly. Kalina’s eyes briefly lost their blissful lustre and regarded the elf with suspicion.

“Why? What did you hear?” she demanded.

“Nothing! Just, well, the look on your face… whatever you were up to must have been extremely sordid and filthy to have you glowing with orgasmic glee six hours later,” said Legolas quickly.

“Were you spying on me?” asked Kalina.

“No! Not at all!”

“Well you seem to know an awful lot about what I got up to last night…” Her eyes narrowed and Legolas cracked.

“HE’S YOUR UNCLE!!! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!” The words erupted before he could think.

“Firstly, he’s no blood relation. Secondly… how the fuck did YOU find out?!” Kalina reached under her pillow then remembered she’d still left her dagger in the garden.

“I was hiding here. I was scared you were going to scream at me if you found me in here and I forgot my pipe. So I hid under the bed and I heard the entire twisted horrific sordid affair…” Legolas began to twitch again. “A COURGETTE?!?!?!”

“Hey, at least it wasn’t an aubergine,” replied Kalina with a shrug. Legolas started to visibly tremble and whimper. “Are you alright?” she asked, reaching out towards him. He jerked away.

“NO!!! BACK!! BACK!!”

“Legolas?” Kalina was slightly worried. This paranoid behaviour was to be expected from the likes of Haldir and Aragorn.

“I’ve got to go,” he gasped, running out of the room.

“NO MORE WEED FOR YOU! YOU’RE CLEARLY PARANOID!!!” shouted Kalina after him before the door slammed shut.

Twenty minutes later, Kalina was again sat on Elrond’s veranda, elbows on the circular stone table, looking half asleep but wearing a faint smile. Elrond looked suspiciously at her and scanned the other faces around the table. Glorfindel seemed to be looking particularly smug and accomplished this morning. Elrond turned this mild glower his way. Glorfindel, under the scrutinizing gaze of Elrond shifted slightly in his seat, desperately trying to remain calm and nonchalant.

Deciding he was probably MUCH happier not asking or knowing, Elrond cleared his throat. “Firstly, seeing as we’ve misplaced Haldir, I nominate Aragorn to bring us all coffee and croissants.” He smiled at the human who groaned like an agitated teenager and slunk off towards the kitchen. “Right. Now. Could anyone explain why we’re missing Haldir and those two unsavoury humans my offspring so kindly brought home?”

“Well what else were we supposed to do?” protested Elrohir.

“Quiet, you. Kalina, did you kill them and hide the bodies? You can tell me, I won’t be mad,” said Elrond kindly. Kalina snorted.

“Hah. I WISH. The moustached orcfucker attacked me yesterday while I was er… walking about the garden to… clear my head,” lied Kalina, remembering the night before.

“What? Why didn’t you say anything?” demanded Elrond.

“I heard a scuffle and helped Kalina fend off the human. He must have escaped when I went to make sure she was alright,” said Glorfindel carefully.

“And you just let him run off? After he attacked my daughter? NO VIOLENT RETRIBUTION?!” Elrond started to seethe.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t get angry,” said Kalina, looking hurt and innocent. The tone brought back memories and Legolas found himself twitching involuntarily again. Elladan raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell was wrong with the sissy now.

“I’m not mad at you, lend-ind*, right now I’m more irked at Glorfindel for not finishing off your assailant, thus allowing him and his cohort to run off with some maps indicating that they’re probably not just going to go away without inflicting some kind of trouble on us. And what were you doing after you made sure Kalina was alright? You could have come to see me then!” snapped Elrond.

“I think Glorfindel has something he wants to confess to,” said Legolas nastily. He had been sitting quietly with his arms crossed, leaning back in his chair and trying to quell the twitching. Kalina paled and turned to him, fury evident.

“You fucking CUNT!” she hissed. Legolas said nothing and glared.

“Glorfindel… what is the pretty little prince talking about?” demanded Elrond, trying to remain calm. He was all too familiar with the expression of bliss Kalina had been strolling around with all morning, even through the grumpiness of being up so early. Elrond remembered Celebrian smirking like that for two days after a particularly memorable threesome with her husband and Glorfindel.

“Well, Kalina was a little on edge so I took her to my room and… gave her something to smoke. I SWEAR! I DIDN’T REALISE I WAS GIVING HER OPIUM!!” Glorfindel threw his face into his hands, carefully avoiding Elrond’s face.

“What?!” cried out Legolas and Kalina at the same time. They glared at each other. “That was OPIUM?” shouted Kalina before the other elf could say anything. “No wonder I fell asleep so quickly!” she lied.

“Glorfindel… just… for fuck’s sake,” Elrond rolled his eyes, not entirely sure if he believed this story, but it was better than letting his own first hand knowledge of Glorfindel’s skills feed the fearful and loathsome images of what else could have waylaid Glorfindel and Kalina from informing him of this security breach. Aragorn returned at this moment, carrying a tray laden with three large pots of coffee, a precarious stack of cups and croissants.

“What did I miss?” he asked, looking around at the assortment of expressions.

“Glorfindel’s been pumping our sister full of drugs,” said Elladan cheerfully. Glorfindel glowered at him, and then clipped him upside the head.

“Show your elders some respect, dammit!” he warned.

“A few hits of opium is NOT pumping your sister full of drugs,” snorted Elrond indignantly.

“On the other hand an opium suppository…” began Legolas.

“Just don’t go there,” snarled Kalina. Aragorn elbowed the elf.

“Antagonizing her isn’t going to help. You’re just going to get driven to the brink of madness like Haldir!” warned Aragorn in a harsh whisper.

“Opium and suppositories aside, can we just get this straight?” demanded Elrond, pre-emptively silencing the bickering that was about to break out. “Thank you. Right. Kalina dearest, you got attacked sometime late yesterday, during which Glorfindel came to your assistance and the fucker and his friend presumably got away. Now when did Haldir disappear?”

“He stormed off probably a bit after Glorfindel was drugging your daughter,” replied Legolas.

“Well, that probably means he’s been abducted. Fucking brilliant. And I wouldn’t be surprised if those orcs you ran into had something to do with all this,” groaned Elrond. “And it was turning out to be such a nice summer… bar that bloody incident with the human of course, but still…”

“Any idea where they are?” asked Elladan. His reply came in a variety of shrugs and shaken heads.

“South and west of here.”

Kalina noticed that an incredibly striking elf was standing by the door that led to the veranda. His hair was dark and striking against his pale skin, and a brooding expression completed the vaguely sinister look.

“Maglor?” exclaimed Elrond, jumping to his feet and embracing the elf in welcome. “What brings you here?”

“I was journeying north-west of the Gap of Rohan when I noticed the movement of orcs led by two strange humans. So I did the logical thing and figured out where the fuck they were headed so I could round up some old friends to go on a nostalgic killing spree? By the way, have you lost an elf?”

“Is he blonde, exceptionally gay and whiny?” asked Kalina. Maglor regarded her with an expression of curiosity and interest.

“Ah, Maglor, this is Kalina, the youngest of my anomalies,” said Elrond.

“We’re not anomalies!” snapped Elrohir.

“Have a fucking sense of humour for once,” muttered Elrond indignantly. “Kalina, this is Uncle Maglor!” he said, suddenly perking up.

Kalina eyed the elf up and down and smiled sweetly. She stood up and walked gracefully over to him and kissed him on the cheek.

“Nice to meet you, Uncle Maglor,” she said warmly.

“The feeling is most definitely mutual,” replied Maglor, trying not to let his eyes wander towards Kalina’s cleavage. In the background Legolas resumed his convulsive twitching and a sly smile began to creep across Glorfindel’s face.

“Kalina, go sit down. Let Uncle Maglor explain things and then you can go pester him. He’s got lots of hideous stories of gore and battle and so forth. You should get on.” Elrond half pried his daughter out of Maglor’s arms. “Don’t encourage her!” he hissed. “She’s thirty-six! It’s bad enough Glorfindel accidentally drugged her out of her skull last night by accident.”

“How do you accidentally drug someone?” asked Maglor, looking at Glorfindel.

“By forgetting you have a pipe full of opium before stuffing some weed into it and giving it to a distraught young elf to calm her down after being attacked in her own garden!” snapped Glorfindel, swiftly growing weary of these allegations.

“Uh-huh,” said Maglor, eyeing Glorfindel suspiciously, then deciding not to press the issue.

“So what do you know?” demanded Elrond, getting back on track and sitting down again.

“There’s a good few hundred, possibly a thousand or so orcs, and I could have sworn I saw a Nazgûl. So I suggest we get people together and go slaughter the lot of them!!!” urged Maglor.

“Nazgûl? Oh for fuck’s sake. Not another one of Sauron’s spastic ploys to get under our skin while he consolidates power,” Elrond groaned, putting his hand to his forehead and gently massaging his temples.

“Well it’s not like really unpleasant ecan can get in here,” said Elrohir. His brother nodded.

“That’s NOT the point, and yes, really unpleasant things can’t get in here en-masse but the bastards have managed to steal some accurate documentation of this location which means they can easily cause trouble and irritation in what clearly appears to be an attempt to drive me from my home.” Elrond was too enraged to raise his voice and those around him knew it. An uncomfortable silence arose, finally broken by Elrond standing. “Right. I believe I need to plan a rather large slaughter.” With that he began to depart.

“Much as I’ll hate myself for this, what about Haldir?” asked Kalina.

“Elbereth on a fucking pogo stick… Fine. I have to plan a rather large slaughter AND a dramatic rescue.” Elrond sighed and stormed off.

“Ooooh. Haven’t seen him this pissed off in several millennia,” said Glorfindel.

“Well I’d think you’d be too,” muttered Maglor darkly.

“Does this mean we can go now?” asked Aragorn to nobody in particular. Legolas was still twitching and rocking in his chair slightly as Kalina caught Glorfindel’s eye and smiled at him. He returned the smile and leaned towards Maglor and whispered something to him. Suddenly both of them were looking intently at Kalina and smiling.

“Yes. What’s wrong with him? He looks worse than usual,” said Elrohir, answering the ranger and jerking his head towards Legolas.

“Some kind of traumatic experience he can’t talk about. Come on, Legolas. I’ve got some herbs in my room that should help,” said Aragorn, gently taking the elf’s arm aeadieading him away. Muttering about their sisters’ collective poor taste in the opposite sex, the twins got up and meandered off, leaving Kalina with Glorfindel and Maglor.

“So… why don’t you come sit on Uncle Maglor’s lap and tell him about yourself?” The dark haired elf smiled warmly at Kalina, which contrasted with the rather excited glint flickering in his pupils. Returning the smile, Kalina got up and curled up in Maglor’s lap.