Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?

Nope, not mine. Except SugaryLime, which is me, so yeah, I’m mine. If Legolas and Boromir were mine, we wouldn’t stop fucking long enough for me to write this. I’d keep them chained to my bedposts to use whenever I wanted. Yeah.

Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Legolas/Boromir
R.
__________
Chapter 3: An Arseload of Nothing.


SugaryLime: Legolas? Boromir? Hello?

Boromir: [from somewhere in the theatre] Be. . .right. . .there! Oh fuuuuhck. Mmm, right there, yeaaah.

SugaryLime: What the fuck are you doing?

Boromir: Hmm?

SugaryLime: [walks over to where Boromir and Legolas are] Ohh. How’d you get him to do that?

Boromir: [points to decanter of miruvor stashed behind a row of seats]

ryLiryLime: Ahh. Rimjob-in-a-bottle. You two carry on, and I’ll handle this for a bit. I hate to break up something so fucking hot.


//
Chapter three

****

Disclaimer: I own anything you don't recognize.

****
//


SugaryLime: Well, by now, the Gay Shagging Cats are pretty recognisable. Does that mean own owns us?

SugaryLime: [in a different voice] No, of course not. Don’t be daft.

SugaryLime: Daft? Who are you calling daft, you dumb bint?

SugaryLime: [different voice] You, fuckwit.

SugaryLime: Bugger off, you.

Ubiquitous Voice: ENOUGH!

SugaryLimecougcoughs] Sorry.


//
Arsarmwen yelled, diving towards where her sword and dagger were laying in a neat pile. She grabbed her sword, bringing it up in a want-to-be guarding position.
//


Legolas: [licking lips and still tiddly] What did I miss?

SugaryLime: Fuck-all, really.

Legolas: Am I just pished, or does this want-to-bntenntence not make sense?

SugaryLime: A little of both, I reckon. Where’s Boromir?

Legolas: [points to pile of mush on theatre floor] There.

SugaryLime: Ahh. He’ll be there for a bit, so it’s just you and me. Ready?

Legolas: As I’ll ever be.


//
An orc rushed by her, carelessly hitting her aside by the flat of his blade. Arsarmwen choked back a yell, feeling her side bruise badly.
//


Legolas: Because orcs areowneowned for their courtesy, he turned right around and apologised.


//
A quick look up to the orc revealed it to not even be aware of her presence. He had just whacked her with his sword by chance, and hadn't even realized it!
//


SugaryLime: Conceited wench. [as Arsarmwen] Look at me, everybody! Hey! The world revolves around my very being, so look, damn you! Be aware of my presence, you fucking orc bastard!

Legolas: A bit high-strung, aren’t you?

SugaryLime: Yeah, well. These Mary Sues really get on my tits. Shut up.


//
Arsarmwen stumbled to her feet, grasping her sword. An orc had stepped on it, and it was hideously bent. Not broken, bent. It was ridiculous.
//


Boromir: Cheely mayyy sohhr.

SugaryLime: Cheely may soar? Who’s Cheely? And what the sodding hell does it matter?

Boromir: Cheeepeh-leeyeh maaydeh sohhrdeh.

Legolas: Oh! Cheaply made sword!

SugaryLime: You must give one hell of a good rimjob.

Boromir: Muh.

Legolas: [grins]

SugaryLime: Do me later?
olasolas: ‘Kay.


//
"Utumno agar tummen!" She yelled loudly, which wasn't exactly the brightest thing in the world to do.
//


Legolas: What the fuck?

SugaryLime: I was hoping you could tell me.

Legolas: Uh, nope. Boromir?

Boromir: Wha?

BRIEF INTERMISSION FOR BOROMIR TO COLLECT HIMSELF

Boromir: Okay. Nope, don’t understand.


//
A few orcs, whose focus was focused on Boromir, turned and gaped at Arsarmwen. Then, with a grunt of challengee ofe of them charged at her.
//


Boromir: Works for me.


//
She yelled in surprise, throwing her sword at the nearest orc. It hit it in the head, the hilt clunking uselessly in the middle of its forehead.

It haltered for a few moments, appeared to be a bit disorientated, then it growled at her. It picked up her rather mangled sword and chucked it at her.
//


Legolas: I’m thinking she either means ‘faltered’ or ‘halted.’

Boromir: Don’t think too hard about it. Could cause permanent damage.

SugaryLime: Hey, Legolas?

Legolas: Yeah?

SugaryLime: [pashes Legolas to the ground]

Legolas: What was that for?

SugaryLime: No reason.

Legolas: Oh. Okay.


//
Arsarmwen ducked, then rolled out of the way as another orc went thundering past her,intending to spear her with its.weapon. You couldn't really call them swords.
//


Boromir: Looked like swords to me. But hey, what do I know?


//
Arsarmwen's hand closed around her dagger, and she slashed with it at another orc's leg. It looked down at her, slightly puzzled almost.

Then Arsarmwen did the one thing she had been wanting to do ever since she had started fighting with the orcs.
//


Legolas: Hurl herself into the throng and be skewered to death?

SugaryLime: The one thing she wanted to do, not the one thing you lot wanted her to do.

Boromir: Damn.


//
She screamed.

Loudly, piercingly, and stridently.

And yet, one of the orcs near her had the audacity to laugh at her.
//


SugaryLime: ‘Loudly’ and ‘piercingly’ are the first two synonyms for ‘stridently’ in the thesaurus.

Legolas: Wouldn’t be a proper Mary Sue Hetfic without redundancy.

SugaryLime: True.


//
That orc cut down at her with his weapon, striking her collarbone. She thankfully wasn't hit with the cutting edge, but all the same, she heard a dull cracking noise, and she was pretty sure she had broken it.
//


Boromir: So she broke her own collarbone then?

Legolas: Anything to get out of the military.


//
The orc who had stricken her soon got payback as soon as a sword pierced its chest.

Arsarmwen, who's vision was beginning to waver and be edged with grey, was roughly picked up and shoved out of the way.

"Stay here, Arsarmwen." She heard-Boromir was it? Or was it Aragorn?-say. He-whoever he was-put her behind a tree, efficiently out of the way.

Arsarmwen was starting to feel dizzy from the pain. Her vision wavered one last time, then she fainted, her head thunking against the tree.
****
//


Boromir: It’s going to be me, isn’t it? And then she’s going to fall in love with me, and I’m supposed to fall in love with her. Thank fuck I get killed, or we’d probably end up sprogging.

Legolas: It’s an AU, Boromir. You’ll probably survive, and you will end up sprogging.

Boromir: Noooooo!

Legolas: On the bright side, this chapter’s done, so we can sneak out for a bit.

Boromir: Yeah, let’s go for a pint. I could use one.

SugaryLime: You two didn’t fight at all this chapter!

Legolas: Yeah, well.

SugaryLime: Don’t tell me our Elf has developed a soft spot for a certain human.

Legolas: More of a g-spot, but whatever.

SugaryLime: I see. Well, I’ll see you two next chapter. I’ve got some author’s notes to clean up.


//
So, what'dijya think? Good? Bad? Absolutely horrible? Too mean? Absolutely the best piece of writing you've ever seen? Tell me! Please!

Anyways, thanks to AnimeWitch02, who gives the most uplig reg reviews.

Also, go right now and read Sara's story called 'Journe the the Heart'. It's soooo good. You'll love it!

Bye!
//


SugaryLime: I’m going to sneak a peek at the boys, but I’ll be back. Cheers!