Never Offend the Lady

Title: Never Offend the Lady (3/9) LOTR R mpreg
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@e...
Pairing: Elrond/Celeborn, Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas
Rating: R mpreg (and how)
Summary: Elrond 1st person POV. Elrond and his boys learn just how furious Galadriel is at Elrond for trying to steal Celeborn away.
Feedback: Sure, bring it on, kids!
Content: M/M sex, implied consenting incest, emotional distress, major mpreg
Disclaimer: All words and deeds are complete fiction from my sick little old mind. Names borrowed simply for entertainment. I love them all and merely let them play under the lovely, ancient trees.

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FOUR MONTHS LATER

My poor distraught Healer Thertara stared at me in sheer terror.

It had something to do with him being hiked up against the carved wooden wall.

His stark terror also came from the fact that his normally elegant Lord snarled like a rampaging Orc while he slammed his stunned healer against the wall by his thin neck. My strong fingers tightened around his throat.

Brutal words ripped from my mouth. "Thertara, what are you trying to tell me? Are you completely insane? Have you been ingesting hallucinatory potions again? I don’t appreciate my Healer experiencing wild visions." My fingers increased their lethal grip.

Poor Thertara stammered in open alarm, his blue eyes bulging from his face. "M-M-My Lord Elrond, please, I am completely sober. I have no real explanation for you. I just know what I sense."

I choked out more enraged words. "There is no way. Impossible. You have lost your mind. I refuse to accept your ridiculous diagnosis."

"My Lord, please, all the important signs are there. I...I accept that this event is impossible but... arrrgh, p-p-p-please, my lord, I’m having trouble breathing." Yes, how ugly; Thertara’s slender face was turning bright plum.

Snarling again I released the fool, dropping him onto the floor. Thertara barely remained standing while he choked for breath. Pointing my stern stiff finger in his startled face I raised my usually calm voice. "There is no way! I tell you it is impossible!" Shaking my thick black mane I glared at Thertara. "I want Mithrandir here. Unlike you he’ll be able to tell me what is really wrong with me."

"As you wish, my lord." Cringing away from my uncommonly volcanic rage Thertara bowed. "May I go, my lord?"

"Get the hell out of my sight, you completely incompetent ass."

"Thank you, my gracious lord, thank you." The moron scuttled out like a spider, he softly shutting the door behind him.

Idiot. Fool. Impossible. Simply impossible!

***************************************************

Mithrandir made his magical appearance later that evening. The minute the wizard touched my hand in greeting he arched one bushy brow at me. "By the Star, Elrond, you have the heated stink of Galadriel’s strong magic all over you. What the hell did you do to make her that angry?"

Blinking in surprise I released a startled groan. Oh. No, no. No. That evil, cunning vindictive bitch! How dare she!

"Elrond? I’m also sensing..." Mithrandir swiftly pressed his hand against my thin dark blue robe, his fingers pressing the strange new curve pushing from my waist. His lower lip dropped into his wild beard, he almost choking in alarm. "Elrond. You must have truly done something amazing to warrant this attack. Do you know what she’s done to you?"

Uttering a soft guttural snarl I nodded. "My poor Healer Thertara tried to tell me butlmoslmost killed him. So it’s true. Somehow the evil bitch made me pregnant!" My pulse began racing. "She’s gone too far here! This is intolerable! Ahh, I will take my troop and rip Lorien apart until not a single small leaf remains whole! How dare that heinous old bat do this to me! By the Old God’s blood I am going to make sure she..."

Mithrandir looked comply sly startled, his hands gripping my tense shoulders. "Elrond? No, please, before you talk of destruction explain matters to me. Why would Galadriel make you pregnant? Did you two have an affair? Wait, hold on, I mean you two can barely tolerate each other. And even so..."

Hissing in annoyance I waved my hands in the air, yanking back from his grip. \ no, no, no. I don’t mean literally but damned close." I quickly sketched out the sordid details for Mithrandir

Once I finished the wizard rolled his wise old eyes to the sky. "Oh, you great fool."

Excuse me? I was ready to fly into one of my new rages when Mithrandir angrily shook his head at me. "How, oh how could you be so foolish to touch Celeborn? Why do you think the poor Elf is so desperate for a lover? No one would dare cross Galadriel so severely. No one. You of all immortals should know that! By the Gods you must have lost your mind! What were you thinking? And what are you thinking wanting to declare war? You plan on sacrificing your Elves over something that is, and you must admit this, your fault?"

Our anger shimmered between us. Damn. Heaving a tense sigh I shook my head. Yes, Mithrandir deserved to scold me. Rubbing my tense long fingers over my face I groaned in dismay. "I wasn’t thinking at all, no; at Lorien I thought with my damned cock and now I’m thinking with my injured pride! Given the special circumstances I do believe that’s understandable." As I spoke my long fingers touched my expanded waist. "So I am carrying Celeborn’s baby in me." Once I put the reality into words the enormity of the situation hit me.nks nks to Galadriel’s complex magic Celeborn had impregnated me.

I almost screamed in terror, yes, I wanted to roll on the floor and shriek.

I somehow controlled myself. Come now, I was hardly the type to scream in terror. Then again I was hardly the type to become pregnant, either.

By the Valar had I gotten my sweet Celeborn pregnant? Ha, now there was a fascinating little thought.

Watching me control my internal panic and fury Mithrandir shook his thick gray mane again. Wary of my edginess he bit his lip, framing his next words with slow caution. "Elrond, erm, well, the thing is I’m feeling Galadriel’s distinct magic flowing fiercely from other sources. Could she have done something..."

We spoke the final words in unison. "To the twins?"

Our startled stares locked. "Mithrandir, are you telling me... oh ThisThis... Come, let’s go talk to the boys. They have said nothing to me but then again I haven’t said anything to them about how I have felt. Yes, matter of fact they have proven scare this past month; I’ve hardly seen them. I merely assumed they were too busy with their new toy Legolas."

We moved down the corridor, down the stairs toward the next upper level containing my son’s suite of rooms. Ha, before we finished mounting the stairs I heard Legolas singing his silvery sex song. Mmm, the enchanting noise almost gave me an erection. Well, at least I knew they were in there.

Mithrandir stared at me in frank amusement. "Why what an extraordinarily charming noise. Makes sense; Legolas is a beautiful creature."

"Yes he is, and my voracious sons have tu the the gentle serious prince into their beautiful sex slave. Lately all they do is make love to him. It’s not as though he protests the treatment." Knocking on the door I called out. "Sons? I need to speak to you immediately."

The shimmering singing instantly cut off. I heard rustling and low fast whispers. Elladan’s amused voice finally called to me. "Just a second, father!"

I shook my head, tapping my bare foot against the floor. My fingers unconsciously moved to my rounded middle again. Pregnant. The well-respected Lord Creator of Rivendell, holder of Vilya, survivor of the battle against Sauron, mighty warrior, was pregnant. Ha, I was no better than a loose human strumpet who made a mistake one dark drunken night.

My head began to pound again.

I was never going to live this news down. Oh, that bitch! Yes, I knew Galadriel had given in too gracefully. Ha, the wicked ancient witch didn’t give in at all; she had already done her worst to me. I ached to know what she put in that damned evil mead.

The door finally opened, beautiful Elladan standing there clad in a black silk robe. My searching eyes instantly glance my my son’s middle. Hmm, hard to tell in the dim light but...

My son sounded pleasantly surprised. "Mithrandir! Why hello! What are you doing here tonight? I didn’t know Father had summoned you!"

"I just arrived since Elrond needed immediate counseling on... matters."

Elladan waved a welcoming hand toward the room’s interior. "Well, please come in. We were just... well... relaxing."

Yes, so I could see. Elrohir sat on the bed wrapped his purple silk robe, his long black hair tangled. Oh no, now my searching eyes clearly saw my son’s rounded stomach rising under the thin material. Legolas leaned against Elrohir, a sheet discreetly draped around him, revealing his taut chest and elegant shoulders. My word, he was a glorious pale creature, willowy and slight. I hadn’t borrowed him yet but oh, I think I would do so soon.

Sweeping his eyes across the younger Elves Mithrandir released a sharp groan. "So Galadriel cursed everyone. That’s amazing. Her subtle magic has always impressed me."

Elladan looked startled. "Cursed? Magic? Gods, Mithrandir, how do you know about our problem? We’ve been trying to figure out why all three of us are experiencing this odd feeling of... pressure in our bellies. We’re all oddly swollen! Our slender Legolas’ belly is actually growing quite fat!"

Legolas huffed in angry insult. "Elladan! That’s quite unkind of you!"

"But it’s true! Look!" Elrohir quickly yanked the sheet from Legolas’ pale body. By the Star the lad definitely had developed a round swollen belly. After my surprised eyes digested that wild fact they also appreciated how gloriously beautiful the blond prince’s entire body was, yes, he was delicious. What a sweet cock.

Yes, even though Legolas was pregnant I’d have to borrow him and soon, before he grew too big with his baby.

By the Old Gods I couldn’t believe I still thought about sex at a crucial time like this! Pes bes being nantnant made me lustier. Hmm, now that might not be a negative side effect.

Oh. What in Mordor’s black name were you thinking? Hauling my over-stimulated mind away from Legolas’ pale rounded perfection I shook my head. "Sons, Legolas, I have startling news for you." My fingers pressed my loose robe against my waist, the gesture displaying my own growing middle. Hmm, my new belly was bigger than either of my twin’s growth. It figured. Galadriel probably made I’d I’d grow huge. But why was slender Legolas so round?

Elladan walked close, his fingers curiously touching my curved middle. "Father! Look at you! You’re bigger than we are!"

Thanks, my astute son. Why not state the obvious?

Elrohir’s wide eyes rapidly glanced over everyone’s distd mid middles. "What in blazes is wrong with all of us?"

Before I could answer my lips froze shut. Mithrandir shook his head, he holding up his hands. Ha, I was having such a difficult time accepting this monumental farce. Pregnant.

"Elrond?" Legolas stood, his wide blue eyes vastly concerned. His long fingers touched his distended belly, the tips pressing his pale flesh. "Pleasear ear Elrond, what did Galadriel do to us? I know I feel so odd, so... so strangely filled! A few weeks ago I actually felt sick to my stomach and I threw up! I never become sick! Now you look so upset; you’re scaring me. Is it serious?"

I offered the Prince a sad smile. "Well, my dear Legolas, only if you consider being pregnant serious. I do."

Shocked stunned silence met my words before a clamor of hysterical denials rained against my sensitive ears.

Gripping his long black hair Elladan released a startled yelp. "Pregnant? No, oh no, Father, it cannot be! We’re all male!"

Suppressing a smile Mithrandir released a snide little snort. "Well, now you’ll all pregnant males. Quite funny when you think about it. Yes, Galadriel has a sick sense of humor."

Oh, my old friend didn’t know how close he came to being hiked up against the wall via his neck by a furious, pregnant Elf lord. Well, at least now I knew why my usually calm, level emotions ran so high. Yes, I remembered when my dear Celebrian had been pregnant with our three blessed children there were days when you couldn’t look at her because she’d instantly dissolve into a weeping hysteria.

Oh no, Gods, what a horrible thought. I couldn’t imagine dealing with three weeping, hyper-emotional pregnant males. Ha, I certainly couldn’t handle the thought of becoming one myself!

During the continued clamor of hysterical words poor dazed Legolas released a strangled little moan and dropped straight to floor in a dead faint. Yes, my lad, that was a perfect reaction to the impossible news. Murmuring in dismay Elrohir quickly knelt, he gathering Legolas up and lying the naked blond beauty in the rumpled bed. Yes, judging from Legolas’ reaction I had the feeling that he would be the mpronprone to emotional crying fits. Or maybe he’d just faint all the time and remain blessedly quiet.

A hysterical Elladan paced back and forth, his elegant fingers holding his slight bulge. As he frantically shook his thick black mane an anguished wail broke from his slender throat. "Father, Mithrandir, what are we going to do? What?"

Now Mithrandir sounded totally amused. Damn him. "Well, prepare to greet four screaming infants into the world? That might be a start."

My sharp words hit Mithrandir like glass shards. "Mithrandir, old friend, this bizarre situation isn’t amusing."

Mithrandir finally set his merry grin free. "Oh come now, my oversensitive Elrond, it’s completely hilarious. I always admired Galadriel’s powerful earth magic; who doesn’t?"

When I continued glaring at him Mithrandir wagged his finger at me. "Elrond, think about what you did. You buggered Galadriel’s husband right under her nose! I call that audacity, yes, I’ll irritate you more and call it ridiculously stupid. Even though you’re powerful think of all the devastatingly cruel things she could have done to you. Granted since Galadriel’s clever enough not to want an all-out war with you she restrained herself.

"The Lady could have done something so subtle that you couldn’t pin it on her. A damaging fall from a horse, a serious accident, a nasty bizarre rotting disease of the genitals; well, granted, after what you did you might have thought that problem was from her magic.

"Think about it; making you all pregnant is hilarious. The condition is not damaging, it’s not permanent and at the end you’ll all have gifts from the experience."

I arched one thin black brow at him. "Not damaging? Ha, tell my pride that interesting concept."

Elladan frantically waved his thin hands at Mithrandir. "You inane old madman, I hardly call a baby a gift! I don’t like children! I never had any plans to deal with babies let alone hane mne myself!"

"Well that bad attitude must change, correct?" Mithrandir sternly shook his finger at Elladan. The wizard’s intelligent eyes almost glowed in insulted anger. "And speaking of bad attitude never, ever call me an inane old madman. Bah, you young fool, if that’s how you acted toward Galadriel it’s a wonder you can still walk, you rude pup. You’re lucky I like you."

Releasing another helpless yelp Elladan shook his impotent fists toward the ceiling. "I’m sorry, Mithrandir, but this is... Father, how can you remain so calm? Elrohir?" Elladan desperately gazed at his brother.

Elrohir helplessly shrugged, he holding out his elegant hands. "I don’t think I quite believe it yet." Twisting to his side Elrohir’s long fingers now caressed Legolas’ heavy belly. "I wonder whose child Legolas is carrying?"

Mithrandir walked to the bed, he resting his hand on Legolas’ naked protruding belly. You old letch.

Elladan couldn’t keep quiet. Ahe whe was really starting to annoy me. "Who cares whose baby is in his big belly! What does it matter? I...

Concentrating intensely Mithrandir angrily waved at Elladan for silence. What was Mithrandir doing?

As we watched a startled laugh broke from Mithrandir’s throat. He gazed at us, choking back more amusement. "Well, you two, Legolas might be carrying both your children. Our prince has twins hiding inside his new womb."

Twins? All right, make that five screaming babies at Rivendell. Oh, good thing Legolas had already fainted; I’m sure once he heard the news he’d pass out again.

We all stared at other in numb shock. My lips twitched. Yes, when you truly thought about the spell it was viscously hilarious. Galadriel had created four pregnant male Elves. Perhaps five; oh, I burned to know if Celeborn carried my child. Something told me that he did. Yes, it was... my edgy laughter finally rolled free.

Mithrandir arched a shaggy brow at me before shooting me one of his merry winks.

Glaring at me Elladan stomped his bare foot. "Faaaather!!! This problem isn’t funny! And it’s entirely your fault! If you had kept your randy old cock under control we wouldn’t be in this completely miserable atioation! By the Gods I hope fair Celeborn was worth it because..."

My furious roar almost shook the ancient trees. "ENOUGH!!! That’s enough wild talk from you, Elladan! Yes, this problem is my fault but I will not tolerate such blatant disrespect from you!"

Still staring at me Elladan fell into an intense sulk, he angrily crossing his arms against his slim chest. Oh, my usually vivacious son never sulked. All right, now I knew Elladan was going to be the self-pitying one. So: Legolas was frightened, Elladan was sulky, Elrohir was shocked and I was enraged. Oh, the next few months promised to descend into a nasty emotional stew.

Maybe I should go into retreat.

No. Hiding wouldn’t solve anything.

Legolas groaned softly, his slender fingers rubbing his pale face. "Oh, oh no, I just suffered the strangest dream or..." Swiftly sitting up he stared down at his round hard belly. "Ai! It’s not a dream! I-I-I’m really pregnant?"

Grinning playfully Elrohir couldn’t control himself. "And guess what, my beautiful love? Mithrandir feels twins inside you!"

Legolas’ beautiful lips trembled wildly before his huge blue eyes rolled back in his head, he fainting again. How predictable. I almost started laughing again.

All right. "Well, I suppose I should summon poor Thertara, apologize and have him examine us." A damaged thought crashed into me, I staring curiously at Mithrandir. "Mithrandir, how are we going to deliver these children? We don’t have birth canals or... or..." My throat tensed.

Mithrandir shrugged, he raising hinds nds to his shoulders. "I don’t have a clue." He winked at me again. "You’ll have to ask Galadriel."

So help me I was going to slam him into a wall. If Galadriel was here I’d... oh calm .
.

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After poor frightened Thertara accepted my sincere apologies he carefully examined each expectant father. Hysterical Elladan hammered Thertara with every question he could think of, which was good because we needed to ask questions. Of all of us only I had direct dealings with Elven pregnancy. Unfortunately I wasn’t sure of details... that was for females, right? I mentally apologized to my wife. I supposed I had been a typical male. Well, now I paid for being male in many bizarre ways.

As Thertara studied Elrohir my gentler twin acted the exact opposite of Elladan; he simply stared into the air, silent as stone. During his examination Legolas’ wide blue eyes streamed tears down his perfect face. Predictable again.

While the frightened younger generation silently watched I stretched out, removing my robe. I watched Thertara’s gentle fingers carefully probe my protruding middle. He shook his head in awe. "The same thing, my lord, you are four months pregnant. Incredible."

Yes, tell me about it. "So, Thertara, how do you propose removing these babies from us?"

Poor Thertara gaped at me in distress, his lips compressing in fear. "By the Valar I have no idea, my lord. There’s no well, female opening for them to push from you. Oh. Oh dear. This is a problem."

Elladan released a braying bitter laugh. "Maybe we’ll simply shit them out, yes, we’ll just push them free!"

Hearing Elladan Legolas swayed in fresh shock. Oh not again. Moaning in disgust he shook his thick golden hair. "That’s horrible! I... that’s just so wrong." His slender hand angrily smacked Elladan’s shoulder. "Don’t say such terrible things!" Gasping in distress Legolas pleadingly stared at Mithrandir. "I... look, we’re Elves, we’re extremely strong. Can you cut the babies from us?"

Mithrandir nodded sympathetically. "Legolas, that will probably be the case."

Fine, I spent all these centuries trying not to be eviscerated by Ocrs and now someone was going to cut me open to pull a baby free. Yes, it’s official; Middle Earth had gone mad.

Snarling softly I sat up. Nervous Thertara jerked back from me. "No, no, don’t worry, I’m just damned frustrated. All right, I am starving, and now I know why. Anyone care to join me for dinner? We can chat more about our special news."

Not to my surprise the three younger Elves nodded.

Mithrandir winked again. Glad one one was enjoying this mess.

I felt confident that wily Galadriel gazed into her Mirror while laughing in glee. That bitch, that evil, vindictive, bossy, possessive, old bitch. Yes, I wanted to... ahh. Stop. Stop. Oh, now I was beginning to irritate myself.