Eowyn Sprogs With Legolas

BLISTERGIRL: See Chapter 1 for disclaimers. Basically, this is an MST. You know how it works.

*****

++Chapter Three: A Great Warrior Princess

Eowyn lay in her bed that night thinking of Legolas' kiss. Faramir's kisses were sweet and gentle, and they gave her much pleasure.++

LEGOLAS: *Kissing his hand, stroking his hand, talking to his hand* There’s no need to be gentle, lover, give me pleasure roughly...

++Legolas' kiss was strange and unfamiliar. Eowyn felt lost after he kissed her.
"Perhaps because he is an elf," Eowyn thought out loud.++

EOWYN: Elves being renowned for their lack of orientation.

LEGOLAS: Orientation? I’ve known my orientation since I was an elfling! All elves learn their orientation at an early age. We’re sent out in the woods without a compass or gaydar and have to shag our way back home.

EOWYN: *Laughs*

ARWEN: No, he’s serious.

LEGOLAS: It’s the founding principle of the Big Gay Elf Farm.

++She thought of Faramir, and how she missed him at nights. He was a wonderful husband and lover.++

LEGOLAS: *Whimpers* Why, why Elbereth?

EOWYN: Hey, you can have him. Wonderful husband and lover my arse. He doesn’t know a clitoris from a leg of ham.

LEGOLAS: *Weeps*

++She only wished her sons lived so she would have a reminder of him, but fate was unkind to her.
The next morning, Eowyn rode out in the woods near her home. The woods had been a special place for her to think especially after Faramir's death. Her favorite spot was a clearing in the middle of the wood. There was a statue on the clearing.
The statue was of Gaenor, a legendary Queen of Gondor and a Rohan princess of the old days of the First Age. Gaenor was the first shield maiden of Rohan whose sword Eowyn now processed.++

ARWEN: Like so many blocks of American cheddar.

LEGOLAS: *Snort*

EOWYN: That damn photo lab said they processed swords in under an hour! I’ve been thinking in this clearing for almost ninety minutes.

LEGOLAS: We interrupt this ‘comedy’ routine to bring you a Tense Change Warning. Grab ahold!

Arwen and Eowyn pinch each other’s nipples. Legolas grabs hold of himself.

++She was a beautiful woman legend says, and Eowyn is said to be the image of her.++

Sounds of swerving, a collision and crunching glass. Hay flies everywhere.

ARWEN: Is everyone okay? I think it’s safe now. Legolas, you can let go of yourself.

LEGOLAS: *Unseen behind a hay bale* *Moaning* Farrramirrrrr...

ARWEN: Okay, he’ll be busy there for a few minutes. Shall we continue? Eowyn?

EOWYN: *Unseen behind a hay bale* *Moaning* Arrrrrwennnnn...

ARWEN: *Brightly* Oh, all right then!

Much shagging (on one side of the barn) and wanking (on the other) ensues. Five minutes later Legolas rolls over and...

LEGOLAS: Oww! What is that? Urph, this bloody book has sharp edges. Girls, come back. We must keep reading.

EOWYN: Don’t wanna! Can’t, until my sword’s been processed.

LEGOLAS: Fine, just fine. I’ll keep reading until you two care to join me.

ARWEN: *Mumbles* Which is never.

++Gaenor also had a love affair with an elf before her marriage.++

EOWYN: *Sits up* Also? Who else had a love affair with an elf before their marriage? I didn’t get to have one until just recently.

ARWEN: *Muffled under half a hay stack* Maybe the author uses ‘also’ to indicate additional information.

LEGOLAS: You’re defending this stupid cunting bint?

ARWEN: *Shrugs* She’s not a bad writer, she just has an objectionable idea of sexuality.

EOWYN: And sprogging. Eww.

LEGOLAS: Eww.

++They had a daughter who inherited Gaenor's sword. The daughter had a daughter of her own and so on.++

LEGOLAS: And Gaenor begat Ahab. And Ahab begat Bruce. And Bruce begat-

*Fast forwarding noise*

++Eowyn was the direct descendant of Gaenor and her elven lover. Of course she was also related to Gaenor's husband the King of Gondor.++

EOWYN: *Scratches her head* But...

ARWEN: That would seem to contradict everything she just said. Unless Gaenor was related to her husband.

LEGOLAS: There’s some down-home lovin’ going on down Gondor way...

EOWYN: This is why I prefer interspecies shagging.

++Eowyn always admire the legendary princess.
As Eowyn admired the statue of her idol, Legolas came up to her as softly as the elf could be.++

LEGOLAS: Wanna see me be soft? Read me HetFic.

EOWYN: Dirty sprogging fucking HetFic.

++Eowyn turned to see the elf reaching out to touch her hair.++

ARWEN: Who was that author who loved ‘-ing’ words? They seem to have leaked into this fic.

LEGOLAS: *Hissy whisper* Don’t - mention - that - author. She’s the one who - you know.

EOWYN: Oh... Her.

ARWEN: *Rolls eyes* The one who wrote a shit-boring MarySue fic about falling into Middle Earth and using army training to make a certain elf fall in love with her.

LEGOLAS: *Curls into fetal position* Don’t remind me! Some of us are still in therapy over that!

ARWEN: The author then cer certain threats against a certain highly fuckable GSC member.

EOWYN: Stupid cunting bitch. I’d fuck SugaryLime any day.

ARWEN: I’d fuck her in a heartbeat.

LEGOLAS: I’d fuck her if she had a cock.

SUGARYLIME: *Thumps fists on barn door* Let me in! I have a vibrating strap-on!

ARWEN: Do you hear anything?

LEGOLAS: Nope. Keep rea.
.

++"Legolas, I didn't hear you come." Eowyn said uncomfortably.++

ARWEN: *Snort* Couldn’t have been Legolas then. All of Mirkwood hears when *he* comes. *Nod to SugaryLime*

LEGOLAS: *Blushes* Eh, that’s valid.

++"I am sorry Melamin." Legolas said in a gentle voice that Eowyn thought it sounded like the sweetest nightingale singing its tune.++

LEGOLAS: *Cough cough* *sings* On top of spaGHE-TIiiii, All covered in CHEEEEEse! *Nod to Calvin & Hobbes*

++"What does Melamin mean, Legolas?" Eowyn asked.
"It means 'my beloved' in my language." Legolas said.
There was an unsettling silence between the two. Finally Legolas spoke.
"Who does this statue represent, Eowyn?"
"Gaenor of Rohan, Queen of Gondor." Eowyn answered, "She was the first shield maiden of Rohan."
"Yes, I heard of her. In fact she is a legend in Mirkwood. Her lover was a Mirkwood elf who was killed in battle during the First Age.++

LEGOLAS: Which means we may be related, which means we can’t shag. See ya later!

EOWYN: Bye! Nice knowing you! Sorry about crying all over your shirt!

Legolas and Eowyn shake hands and get up to leave.

ARWEN: Hey! Get back here! You especially. *pulls Eowyn into her lap*

EOWYN: Ohhhh... okay then.

++Of course it was Greenwood back in those days."
"They had a daughter, and she became the second shield maiden." "Do you have elven blood, Eowyn?" Legolas said in surprise.
"Aye, but very little," Eowyn replied.
Eowyn turned to Legolas.++

LEGOLAS: Grab your partners for a Tense Cha- *mmph*!

Arwen gags Legolas to prevent the warning.

++He was taller than she was though she's tall for a mortal.++

EVERYONE: *Flying through the air* *Wheeeee!*

EOWYN: Oh Arwen your hand’s up my skiuuurrrrp

ARWEN: *Whispers in her ear* I know... Just...

EOWYN: Fuh... muh... uff...

++He brushed his hand on her cheek. He was about to kiss her when Eowyn raised her hand to stop him.++

LEGOLAS: Thanks, I forgot who I was for a sec! And who you were! That could have been a disaster. You *sure* Faramir’s dead?

++"Legolas, last night was a mistake even though it didn't go beyond a kiss. Faramir has not been dead for a year, and I am afraid I will mourn for him much longer than the normaurniurning period. We shared a great marriage."++

EOWYN: He shared it with his soldiers and I shared it with my chambermaid.

++"I know, Eowyn, but you must realize that Faramir wanted you to live out your life for the fullest."
"Yes Legolas, you are right, but it is difficult."
Eowyn then left with her horse leaving Legolas to look at the statue by himself.++

LEGOLAS: Which is why I went to the clearing in the first place. To look at the statue. But I couldn’t stay long, there was a group of druids who wanted their turn. The full moon was nigh and there was a long queue. Bookings had been made months in advance.

++A/N: Sorry not the best of chapters. I want to develop the love affair between Legolas and Eowyn so it won't be rushed as some Legolas/Eowyn fiction.++

EOWYN: You mean there’s *more* out there? *Weeps*

LEGOLAS: There’s five chapters of this fic alone.

ARWEN: *Punches a hay bale* When will these authors learn? HetFic isn’t the answer!

LEGOLAS: There there - at least we’re over half way through. And then the Big Gay Elf Farm will be saved.

ARWEN: Exactly what logic are you basing that on?

LEGOLAS: *Shrugs* BlisterGirl needed *some* imperative for us to sit through sprogging fucking HetFic.

++I want to thank you for the reviews, and I enjoy them immensely.++

LEGOLAS: Hey, have you ever read the reviews the GayShaggingCats get on these MSTs? They’re their own biggest fans!

ARWEN: By this stage they’re the only ones who understand each others’ writing.

EOWYN: The ever-spiralling in-joke!

ARWEN: But then there’s readers like ShelleyBeanz who see beyond the joking and michael-extracting. They see that GSC are really sad gay Brits who don’t realise that having a girlfriend makes a boy straight.

++I do however appreciate some constructive criticism though please do not flame me.++

LEGOLAS: These authors should really appreciate what we’re doing for them. The sheer hours we put into ‘assisting’ their fiction to find an appreciative audience...

EOWYN: *Growls* Dirty cunting HetFic authors.