Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 3

About an hour or so later, Legolas arrived at the festivities. He scanned around and spotted Haldir skulking on his own, perving over the maidens with more low cut garments. Legolas sauntereer, er, stopping briefly to obtain a cup of wine.

"What is this feast about anyway?" asked the prince, leaning a deceptively comradely arm on Haldir's shoulder.

"Oh, Elrond and some of his kin turned up yesterday. Along with that neurotic ranger his daughter is so besotted with. Aragorn son of somebody or another of some ancient heritage etcetera and so forth. Still, he IS pretty for a human. That's him over there..." Haldir pointed towards an attractive dark haired man busy talking to several of Lothlorien's more important citizens.

"Oooh... I can see the attraction," agreed Legolas.

"Yes and by all accounts it's wasted," sighed Haldir. Legolas looked at him before realization sank in.

"Oh. He's never going to get laid, is he?"

"Exactly. As if Arwen being a frigid bint wasn't bad enough, Elrond has now informed Aragorn that unless he becomes king of Gondor there won't be any marriage."

"She's keen on chastity then," snorted Legolas condescendingly. "Poor mortal."

"I know. Such a waste," sighed Haldir.

"Mm." Legolas watched Aragorn with a mixed expression of desire and pity. Then something caught his eye. "Haldir, who is that?" he asked, vaguely nodding towards a character standing a few feet away from Aragorn, dressed in chain mail and a long deep purple cloak with the hood pulled low and obscuring the face.

"I don't know. Probably one of Elrond's lot."

Legolas was intrigued. As far as he could discern he was fairly certain it was an elf with a divinely slender build. The fine armour added to his curiosity.

"Oi!" snapped Haldir and kicked Legolas in the ankle. "Quit staring!"

"No! And furthermore that hurt!" He reached out and flicked Haldir's ear.

"Ow! Bitch!"

"No, You're the bitch," retorted Legolas. "And stop being so possessive. You're a delightful little slut."

Haldir blushed and smiled shyly.

"However that isn't going to prevent me from trying it on with whoever that is."
Haldir pursed his lips and shot Legolas a dirty look.

"Oh come ON... You know damn fine well that I am a far bigger slut than you and I'm not about to change that anytime soon. This also means that you are more than free to try and get your claws into that tasty human."

At this latest prospect Haldir perked up. A sly smile crept across his face much to Legolas's amusement.

"And if it goes well," the prince added, "introduce me."

Haldir meandered off leaving Legolas on his own to finish his wine. He then walked over to the aloof elf.

"Good evening," said Legolas. The cloaked one nodded back. "I am Legolas, prince of Mirkwood."

"I've heard of you. Rather, I've been warned."

"Warned? By who?" Legolas looked around neurotically.

"My father. Have you been smoking Shire weed?"

"Er... yes?" Legolas was confused. People usually found him charming in a smutty sort of way. This wasn't quite the conversation he had expected.

"Great. Lets go skin up somewhere. Failing that I can swipe Aragorn's pipe when he's not looking."

"No, that's fine, I've got skins... Uh... over there is quiet," Legolas suggested, starting to move away from the throng to
a secluded clearing near the river.

"Excellent. Aragorn smoked the last of my stash last night and I swear if I have to spend any more time at one of these pretentious ordeals I will go on a mad arrow shooting rampage just for something to do," grumbled Legolas's newfound companion.

"You know Aragorn?"

"Miserable sod that he can be, yes."

"So who are you?" They had reached the clearing. Legolas perched on a convenient stump and pulled out his smoking gear.

"I'm Kalina."

"That's a rather effeminate name," said Legolas. This statement resulted in a smack upside the elf prince's head.

"That's because it IS an effeminate name. It means 'light'," snapped Kalina.

"Ow!!!"

"Aww, did I hurt your little princely head?" sneered Kalina, pulling back her hood.

"I don't appreciate... being... smacked... on the head anyway." He had looked up in mid sentence and saw that what he had initially thought to be a young warrior from Rivendell was actually an astoundingly attractive young female elf with long auburn hair held back in a severe braid. And she was wearing armour. And she hadn't giggled once in that annoyingly girly tone so many of his previous conquests tended to do.

"Glad to hear it. Now quit staring at me and skin up!" Kalina barked. Legolas found himself obeying before realizing he was doing so.

"How old are you?" asked Legolas.

"Old enough to know better than to answer that question," retorted Kalina.

"Right. I have no idea what that means and I'll just leave it at that."

"Good boy," she sneered. Legolas shot her a dirty look then quickly looked down on his handiwork rather than meet that
fearsome set of blue eyes that seemed to be burning with a terrifying aura of dominance.

'She can't be much more than half my age,' thought Legolas, licking the spliff and rolling it. 'And since when did girls wear armour? Not that it doesn't suit her... if anything it's at least a change from those flimsy dresses they're always in...'

Legolas lit the joint and passed it to Kalina.

"Ah... relief. Do you have any idea how dull it is having to travel with your father and all his officious company? And the only worthwhile person to talk to is a sexually frustrated human?"

"That's why I tend to travel alone. Dad tried to get me to take along some sort of convoy. Who is your father anyway?"

"You're probably better off not knowing," replied Kalina, passing it back. "So other than getting stoned what is there to do here?"

"Met Haldir yet?" asked Legolas, a perverse smile starting to form on his lips as he held the joint to his lips.

"The camp slut who was drooling over you earlier? Met him briefly when I was younger. I'd be surprised if he remembers me," said Kalina, "Where'd you get that stuff anyway? It's got quite a pleasant kick."

"It's my own home grown stuff. Like it?"

"If you come back to my room with me I'll give you some..." He had his doubts as to the effectiveness of this ploy, but all the same if candy could be used to lure children and hobbit testicles could lure orcs, then weed could potentially lure this dope fiend vixen into his bed...

"Obviously you haven't figured that young girls don't go into bedrooms with older elves." Legolas slapped himself mentally but Kalina continued. "So I suggest we meet at mine. It's one of the guesthouses towards the southeast. I'll see you there." Kalina's voice indicated that refusal would not be tolerated.