Hobbits Across America

Authors’ note: We wrote this in a notebook last summer. Radaker typed most of it, and I don’t think I edited it, so that’s why it reads terribly. Anyway, it’s bizarre as hell. Enjoy!

“Roar!” the Gamgeesaurus bellowed at the top of his lungs.


“Oh, Sam. Stop showing off,” Big Sue chided. The two dinosaurs were at the top of a bluff overlooking a lush valley teeming with delicious dinosaurs. Big Sue licked her lips in anticipation. Being a Tyrannosaurus Rex, she was always hungry. Sam, her gay best friend, was a vegetarian, and found her diet distasteful.


“Oh, look, I found a delicious bush to eat,” Sam the Gamgeesaurus uttered suggestively.


“Sam, that’s a shrub, not a bush.”


“Whatever.”


Just then, Merry and Pippin, two Velociraptors who just wouldn’t leave Sam and Big Sue alone, showed up.


“What’s up, guys?” Big Sue asked.


“Not much,” They both answered in unison.


“So, why are you here?” Sam asked annoyedly.


“We wanted to see if Big Sue here had seen any good prospects,” Merry chimed.


“There’s a tempting-looking herd of ankylosauruses down there and some yummy little iguanadons,” said Big Sue.


“I don’t like ankylosauruses,” said Pippin, “They always try to club me.”


“Oh, Pip, you could use a good clubbing,” said Merry.


“Shut up, Merry,” retorted Pippin.


Sam rattled, “Well, we’d love to stay and chat, but we’ve got to run.”


“But, Sam, I thought you weren’t coming hunting with me. I thought you thought it was gross,” Big Sue pen 15-ed.


“I guess I changed my mind. Bye, Merry! Bye, Pippin!” he nudged Big Sue with his extra-long sauropod neck (which he thought was one of his most attractive features).


“Bye, guys!” Merry and Pippin teetotled.


~


Down in the valley, Sam was disgusted. “These ankylosauruses are all female,” he cried.


“I know, I know,” Big Sue snorted. Her nickname was ‘Big Snort’ because she liked to swim in the Snortlantic Ocean.


“Wait, I think I see a male over there,” Sam yelped pathetically.


“Go for it, stud,” Big Sue encouraged.


Sam stealthily approached the slightly effeminate and svelte Tuojiangosaurus on the other side of the heard of Ankylosauruses. “What’s your name, hot stuff?” he said sultrily.


“Frodon,” the Tuojiangosaurus said coyly, blushing and batting his unnecessarily large eyelashes.


“That’s a pretty name.” Sam started putting on the moves. “What are you doing with a herd of ankylosauruses like these?”


“Well, my uncle Bilbodon wanted me to observe some females. He thinks it’ll change me or something,” Frodon answered.


“That’s stupid. Why do you take shit like that from him?”


“Well, he’s loaded, and when he finally dies I’ll inherit everything. If only I could convince some large Tyrannosaurus to eat him.”


“I may be able to help you. We can talk about it over dinner. Care to meet me at that shrub over there tonight at seven?” Sam was an expert at what he did, picking up unsuspecting males.


“I’ll have to check my schedule.”


“What?”


“Just kidding. I’ll be there, you dreamboat.” Frodo winked.


~


“What did you bring along that female Tyranny for?” Frodon asked accusingly as he munched on some delicious bush.


“This is my friend,” said Sam, “her name is Big Sue, but everyone calls her Big Snort.”


“What are you talking about? I can’t believe you brought this female on our date!”


“I thought you wanted me to get rid of your uncle for you,” said Big Snort.


“That’s true,” said Frodon, “So what’s the plan?”


“I’ll eat your uncle,” said Sue.


“Then we’ll have mad hot dino-sex,” said Sam.


“Sounds good to me,” Frodon said encouragingly.


“Wait, how will I find your uncle?”


“He’s probably in his little cave, or ‘burrow’ as he calls it,” Frodon replied, “He’s really old and really short. Just look for the sign that says ‘Bag End’ and you’ll find it.”


“Okay!” Big Sue shouted as she wandered off to find the elderly Tuojiangosaurus.


“So…” Sam said awkwardly.


“Yeah,” Frodon said, busily munching bush.


Just then, out from behind a patch of dense bamboo, Merry and Pippin popped out.


“Eek! Velocoraptors!” Frodon eeked.


“So,” Pippin said menacingly, “A delicious Tuojiangosaurus with only this measly Gamgeesaurus to protect him.” The two velociraptors started circling around the two lovebirds.


“You guys,” Sam’s voice sounded scared. “Seriously, cut it out. Big Sue is going to be back any minute. She is gonna use you guys as toothpicks if you don’t leave us alone.”


“I don’t see Big Sue anywhere. Do you see her, Pippin?” Merry taunted.


“No, I don’t see her anywhere, Merry. I say we eat them,” Pippin teased.


“I agree,” Merry agreed.


They began circling in tighter. Frodo lowered his head, getting ready to charge. He had a bit of doubt whether his newly polished, petite horn could even inflict any damage. Little did Frodon know, but Sam had a secret weapon: Like all Gamgeesauruses, he was in possession of a little thing of mace.


“Gotcha!” Sam cried, liberally dousing Merry and Pippin with nasty goo.


“My eyes!” shellacked Merry, “my beautiful eyes!”


“My cummerbund!” Pippin chortled, “My sensational cummerbund!” They both retreated into the Mesozoic forests of ancient Montana.


“My hero!” Frodon squealed. “Those awful raptors were going to eat us, and steal our eggs.”


“But we don’t have any eggs.”


“Sure we do. You just haven’t fertilized them yet.” Frodon gestured at his swollen egg sac.


“What kind of dinosaur are you?” Sam asked.


“A Tuojiangosaurus!”


“Darling, that’s not your egg sack, that’s your testicles.”


“Testi-what?”


“Never mind, let’s get to fertilizing!”


“Yee ha!” squealed Frodon as the husky Gamgeesaurus mounted him from behind. Their scales rubbed together sensuously as Sam fiddled about.


“Down with the bedsheets,” Sam snickered, “up with your nightshirt.”


“But I’m not wearing a nightshirt,” Frodon tingled.


“It’s just an expression.” Just then, Frodon and Sam heard the thumping noise of dino feet hitting the Earth. “What’s that?” Sam asked.


“It’s probably just your dry, reptilian cock slamming into my fun hole,” Frodo reassured. Suddenly, Big Sue appeared from out of a clearing of brush.


“Okay, I ate your uncle. He didn’t put up much of a … woah! Way to go, Sam!”


Sam and Frodon both shrieked and rolled off of each other.


“Excuse me, Sue, but we’re a little busy here,” Sam barked.


“Well, sorry,” said Sue.


“You should be,” said Frodon. They looked at each other intently.


“Nice egg sac,” said Sue complimentarily.


“It’s not an egg sack,” pleaded Sam, “it’s his testicles.”


“No, Sam. It’s an egg sack if I’ve ever seen one.”


Sam sputtered, “Does that make Frodon a … ?”


Sue shouted, “That’s right, a female!”


Sam quickly pulled out of Frodon’s anus/vagina. “Eww!” he shouted.


“It’s not true,” shrieked Frodo. “I’m actually a hermaphrodite.”


“Hermaphra-what?” said Sam.


“Look, Sam. It’s pretty simple. I have a penis, and I also have an egg-sack,” Frodo chortled.


“Then where are your testicles?” Sam guffawed.


“I don’t know. I guess they haven’t descended or they’re ovaries or something,” Frodo served. “The important thing is that my eggs are now fertilized and in a few weeks we’ll have a nice litter of Frodon-Sams running around.”


“AHHH!” Sam screamed.


“I could always eat them for you,” Big Sue contributed, licking her chops.


“That won’t be necessary,” Frodon peered. “Our species is well-known for being excellent mothers. Oh, I just can’t wait to squeeze egg after egg after egg out of my quivering loins, and then sit on the nest while my beautiful Frodonsamosaurs quicken inside.”


“You guys are really grossing me out,” said Big Sue. “I’m outta here.” Sue stomped away.


“Oh, Sam! I can’t wait to begin our family.”


“Well, I sure can.”


“Excuse me?”


“That’s right. I’m not happy you’ve tricked me into fertilizing your eggs.”


“I didn’t trick you!”


“Yes, you did. I’m leaving.”


“But my species mates for life!” Frodon cried.


“Tell it to someone who cares, sister. I’m outtie.”


Frodon let out a horrible wail. His screams could be heard throughout the thick jungles of Montana. A gaggle of pterodactyls took flight from a banyan tree, cawing their disapproval.


“What now?” Sam asked the screaming quivering Frodon in front of him.


“You can’t leave. You just can’t,” Frodon replied, “I can’t be a single mom. It will ruin my image.”


“Can’t you just get it ‘taken care of?’ ” Big Sue said reemerging from some shrubs, insisting that Frodon get an abortion.


“Where am I going to find a dinosaur abortionist?” Frodon said, pausing for effect, “in Montana?”


Sam sniffed a little, “Big Sue, you know what to do.”


And in one bite, Big Sue devoured Frodon, egg sack and all. “Oh, Sam. You are the worst vegetarian I know,” she said.


“Tell me about it,” the Gamgeesaurus shrugged.


THE END