In the Garden

Title: In the Garden, Chapter 3
Author: Sorsha
Fandom/Pairing: Elrond/OFC, others implied
Rating: R
Warning: AU (Story set several hundred years after ROTK in Aman); Het.
Feedback: Constructive feedback appreciated.
Archive:
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Lady Victoria for betaing this fic.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to Prof. Tolkien. A quick check of my bank account should prove I’m not making anything off of writing my stories. Sigh!
Summary: Life in the Blessed Land has not been so blessed for Elrond. Can the happiness that has long eluded him be found in the words of a red-bound journal, the help of his scheming friends, and the granting of a wish that none thought possible?

* Sorry to have been so slack Tenar! ;-) Vicky, my beta, has been working overtime, so much more soon!

* Thanks Agie! I do love writing an angsty Elrond that needs a little TLC... or TLE (Tender Loving Elleth)!

* MarzBar --- I promise all will be answered! *evil grin*


Chapter 3 --- The Pieces of a Puzzle

Meril slowly drifted out of the dream that had disturbed her sleep for the last few minutes. The sound of a persistent rain lashing the decking of her porch lulled her senses and she hovered in the twilight realm on the edge of waking. The troubling images of her dream lingered before her inner eye… the face of the smirking ellon sitting in the first row whispering the latest gossip to his giggling companion… her younger brother’s look of sadness and grief as he confirmed the cruel gossip of the crowd, her pale twin close at his side… the ruthless, victorious sneer on Celebrian’s face as she drew Haldir into a passionate kiss in the middle of the small garden near her home… the pleased grin on his face that dissolved into confusion and guilt when he finally realized Celebrian had kissed him to taunt her cousin rather than out of true desire for him… the lingering sadness of Elrond’s eyes as he sat lost in thought on ‘his bench’ in the garden.

/Why is it that the last image is the only one that truly causes me pain anymore? For centuries, Haldir was the sole focus of my heart; I saw no other. Now, I only see a noble face stripped of joy, gripped by a deeply felt loneliness. In truth, the only time he seems to come alive is… when our eyes meet./ Without conscious thought, her eyes opened to search the bookshelf for his journal, as if seeing the red-bound diary would answer the questions crowding her mind.

Realizing she was contemplating reading from Elrond’s journal, Meril hurriedly redirected her thoughts to the other images of her dream. /Odd that the only image that comes to mind when I think of Haldir is that confused, guilty look that robbed his face of pleasure once he noticed me that day and understood why Celebrian had initiated the kiss. The old adage ‘be careful what you pray for’ seems to fit. I have begun to feel sorry for him in a way. He gave up his family and friends to be with her… she was an obsession he could not resist, but I doubt there will be any true love… surely no marital bond to sustain him,/ she thought.

Sighing, she forced her eyes to open once again. /Nana is right that I need to find a way to accept what happened and put it behind me. It could have been so much worse. If he had cared less… and he did care for me to some extent, he could have married me knowing Celebrian would always control his heart. I have no reason to doubt he would have left me for her regardless of any vows we had taken. She robs him of reason and propriety… his greatest weakness./

Staring at the ceiling, she noticed that a ladybug had crept into her chambers during the night. Feeling no urgency to quit her bed, Meril watched the tiny insect move until it was lost from view behind one of the beams that spanned her ceiling. /He must have loved her since he was an elfling… the shining, beautiful daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn. From what his brothers have since told me, Haldir was greatly depressed when she left for Imladris to wed Lord Elrond. I wonder if he resisted long when she made the first overtures of an affair to him? That he was sleeping with her already did not stop him from seeking to court me, it seems. Why should it? It did not stop him from dalliances with others behind my back./

Finding no answers in the ceiling, she pushed back the quilt that covered her bed and moved to sit on the edge of the big, four-poster. Reaching out to caress the carefully tended wood, she remembered the day her parents gifted it to her. It had been her one thousand four-hundred and ninth begetting day, the first since her betrothal to Haldir. They had intended it to be her marriage bed.

Her Naneth had whispered they would need to start planning for her new home, as it was unlikely a warrior such as Haldir had much in the way of furnishings. It was many years before he had allowed her to visit his talan, wanting to protect her reputation he had said. A stolen look into his sumptuous bedroom with its massive bed and lush bedding had been a surprise. /I should have known then, but I was too trusting and naïve to guess. Celebrian would never have settled for a pallet on the floor, even for a illicit tryst with her lover./ (mother)

Even having seen her longing, her betrothed made no move to take her to his bed though he must have known she would have willing joined him. “With times so uncertain, we must wait to begin our marriage, melme. I would not wish to leave you widowed, with small elflings to raise on your own. Once the danger has pasted, we will marry and have many children. For now, we must wait.” (love)

Hearing his voice whispering those false promises once again made her angry, angry with him and angry with those that knew of his betrayal, yet said nothing. /Angry with myself for being such a fool as to believe him! I saw the turmoil in his brothers’ eyes, the hurt and uncertainty in Himiel’s gaze. I do not envy them… who do you betray --- your brother or your friend? I now know they confronted him on many occasions and he always promised to reform… expressed remorse at his conduct. Still, when Celebrian called or the need for sex came to him… I was a fool not to have seen and been the one to break the betrothal!/

/Sael admitted he knew, but was convinced the affair was over. I find it most difficult to forgive him… our relationship has never been the same. Thanks be to Eru that Min did not know! I could not have borne that! What a mess! I am relieved Ada and Nana did not know as I have long thought. Sael and others had dropped hints hoping they would investigate, but, ever worried about scandal, they had trusted matters were settled between us and did nothing./

/They failed me in that, but ever has Ada put his love for Nana before all else. She will never forget the pain and uncertainty of her childhood… her mother fading in grief and shame after bearing children outside of marriage, coupled with her father’s infrequent, though loving attention. Raised as the daughter of a king, yet ever mindful she was illegitimate. At least she had her twin brother for support, though being an ellon gave Uncle Gildor greater freedom, and the ability to rise about the cruel taunts and sly looks… Lord Gildor Inglorion, indeed! Ada’s unconditional love was the first true security Nana ever had, so I find it hard to begrudge her that./

A bitter laugh slipped past her lips. /They think all I have to do is attend social functions… allow others to introduce me about, like a prize horse! I have no desire for that… and even less confidence in my ability to discern another’s heart. Then, there are the rumors that I am in fact Haldir’s wife because we slept together and consummated our betrothal. Those lies are better than those that say we slept together, but without any vows between us! Or am I to be labeled cold and distant… or clinging and childish! They do not realize the damage done to my reputation by his conduct. Who would want me even if I had the courage to try?/

Sighing, Meril moved to stand by the open door onto her porch. The steady rain seemed to echo the steady hum of the pain… the hurts she had suppressed for too long. /Of all days to be trapped in my room unable to escape… unable to vent my anger in my journal./ That thought made her again turn to look at the red-bound journal, tucked safely away in her bookcase.

-----

A muffled groan was the first sign of life from the sprawled body buried under the small mountain of pillows and thin blankets. A second slightly louder groan was accompanied by a hesitant attempt to lift the sheet from the covered head. The sudden light, though weak in the curtained bed chamber, produced the third and more energetic response… a loud groan and a quick grab to pull the sheet and a nearby pillow over the clinched eyes of the barely visible elf.

“One would think you might have learned at your age that a bottle of wine does little to solve life’s problems… unless you actually enjoy suffering the only affliction Eru visited upon the Firstborn?” The patient voice still managed to carry just enough distain and censure that the covered shoulders could still be seen to flinch.

A strained, “I am fine. I simply feel the need… for a little extra sleep this morning.”

Though unseen by the bed’s occupant, a single eyebrow rose in response to the feeble claim. The resulting glare on Lindir’s face would have been all too familiar to those that had dealt with the great elf lord, Elrond… thought only few realized where the peredhel had learned that intimidating mannerism. “Indeed, you did appear to be ‘fine’ when your sons and I found you… sleeping was it?… at your desk in the library. Do you plan to ‘sleep’ the rest of the day or do you want the hangover potion I have prepared?”

“That warg piss you have been foisting off on people for millennia? When did its taste improve to rate the distinction of being called a potion?” was the grumbled reply.

The sound of someone rising from a chair preceded, “Obviously I was mistaken that you might be in need of this, but from your response I guess I was wrong. I will leave you to your sleep and dispose of this ‘warg piss’ in the nearest privy.”

With a loud groan, a not-quite steady hand emerged from under the sheets. “Since you have made it, it will do no harm for me to drink it.”

“Sit up, Elrond and stop acting like an elfling. I have no intention of handing you this cup until you do,” was the stern response.

More grumbling followed as the sprawled form slowly coalesced into a seated elf. Leaning back into a bank of pillows, his eyes shaded from the light, he once again extended his hand to receive the potion. Sighing, the older elf carefully placed the cup in his friend’s hand and helped guide it to his lips, having noted the slightly green shade of the other’s face.

After several minutes of silence, the Teleri offered in a mocking tone, “No really, my lord, it was no effort to make this potion so it would be ready when you decided to wake. I was happy to leave my bed before dawn to venture into a heavy rain so that I could gather the necessary herbs. My wife did not mind at all the disturbance of her own sleep. No, it was no effort to spend the next two hours making it for you… I even find your affectionate term, ‘warg piss’, endearing.”

A slight smile lifted the corners of Elrond’s lips. “I am glad you like it, meldir. It came to me the last time you feed me this vile concoction, but I have not had need of it since, so I forgot to share it with you!” (friend)

“Well, it was very thoughtful of you to consume too much wine last night so you had the opportunity.”

Cracking one eye open to study his companion, Elrond asked, “That angry with me are you? Since I was an elfling, the only times you have become sarcastic with me are when I have done something to displease you. And, before you answer, thank you, my dear friend, for the potion. I do feel much better.”

Sighing, Lindir returned to the chair he had occupied for much of the morning. “Yes, I am angry with you… and with myself. I should have known better than to suggest you play the ode. But that does not justify getting drunk, Elrond. How did you think that would help?”

“I cannot answer that, for I have no excuse. Unlike most, drink only makes me dream more intensely, so I found no escape. I am sorry to have distressed you and my sons,” was the quiet response.

Lindir studied his friend’s bent head for a moment before speaking. “We are worried, Elrond… and not just the twins and me. You have many friends and family that are deeply worried about your state of mind. Let us help you, ion. You bear the burden of your pains alone and that is not good for anyone.” (son)

Tamping down a flash of anger, Elrond rolled to the side of his bed to sit. “There is nothing to share. The past is past and cannot be changed. My life is as it is and I will make the best of it. My sons seem finally ready to marry… marry for love and that gives me great pleasure. The hope of grandchildren is my greatest wish… grandchildren I will have the chance to know, I should say.”

Ignoring for the moment the reference to Arwen, Lindir challenged, “While grandchildren are indeed a great blessing, have you no wishes for yourself, ion?” (son)

Still feeling the effects of the wine, Elrond rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. “What do you want me to say, Lindir? What I would wish… or what is possible? My fate was made long ago when I agreed to settle for a convenient marriage to someone I found beautiful to look upon, but with whom I had no bond or love. Our world was in turmoil… what choice did I have?”

Disturbed by the flat, empty tones of the peredhel’s voice, Lindir felt his anger return. “What I would have you say? I would wish that you made some effort to reclaim your life! I would wish you would show some of the fire that marked your spirit for so long and stop wallowing in your misery! It is time you went to the Valar and sought to end this… farce!”

Seeing Elrond struggling to control his anger… and his roiling stomach, Lindir pressed on with his attack, giving him no time to response. “There has never been a bond between you and Celebrian! The consummation of the marriage should have made a bond unavoidable, but still, one did not form. Both parties must enter the marriage committed to the vows for the bond to be made. Celebrian, from her centuries of infidelities… not just with Haldir as we both know, has made it clear she never had the requisite commitment. She lives openly with another ellon mocking not just you, your sons, and her parents, but the very sanctity of marriage itself. Go to the Valar and at least try to free yourself!”

“Do you not think I have thought of this, meldir? After the disaster of the kinslaying, the Valar will never end another marriage for many believe Fëanor’s fall began with his Adar’s remarriage. Marriage is inviolate and the family must endure.” In little more than a whisper, Elrond asked, “And what of my sons? If I seek to end my marriage, the truth of the full depth of their mother’s infidelity will be made fodder for the gossips. I kept them from knowing of her conduct while on Middle-earth. I hope they attribute her conduct here to some change to her personality caused of her torture by the orcs. They and their children will already be tainted by what she has done. I will not add to it; I will not do that to my children!” (friend)

“We love you for the care you took in protecting us, Ada, but… we knew.”

-----

/ I have no right to invade his privacy! Stop looking at his journal!/ Frustrated, she turned to stare out the open doorway to the porch/

Her first thoughts of the day came back to sound over and over in her head. /Why does the sight of Elrond’s grief bring pain to my heart? We have exchanged but a handful of words and yet, I feel his suffering and long to bring him comfort… love… passion!/

-----

“You… knew?”

The twins slowly approached their father as he sat stunned on the edge of his bed. Taking a seat on either side of his tense frame, Elladan answered for them both. “Aye, we knew… as did Arwen. That is why she left Lorien so abruptly and returned to Imladris that fall, after the high passes had begun to fill with snow. She… overheard gossip from several wardens. She confronted our grandparents… but they had not known until then. She felt so guilty. Naneth’ra was already beset with guilt for not having foreseen the attack. Arwen wanted to come home after that… so you would not think she had abandoned you too. She was hurt to find out we already knew.”

“How… how long have you know?” he croaked out.

Elladan and Elrohir exchanged a worried look before glancing at their father’s ancient friend and mentor. Seeing Lindir’s nod for them to continue as they had discussed the night before, Elrohir spoke. “We were not long past our majority when we began to… suspect her behavior was not all it should have been. As you will recall, we started accompanying her on her trips to Lorien as part of her escort. She did not like having us come with her, but… how could she have prevented it? Other than a few knowing smirks and a few crude jests, we could find no proof…”

“… until a few months before she was wounded at Redhorn Pass.” Elladan added, picking up the answer from his brother. “One night, we thought she had gone to bed early… a headache she said. I had gone down to have a drink with our warriors in a pub favored by the Galadrium. Elrohir was…”

“…taking Himiel for a walk. I recognized her cloak… the nondescript brown one Arwen hated so much. She was going up the stairs to… Haldir’s talan,” Elrohir whispered, the pain of that sight still evident in his voice.

“Elrohir came rushing into the pub to get me. We were at the foot of the stairs prepared to go and up and… I am not sure what we planned to do, when Rúmil and Orophin caught up to us. They asked us if we truly wanted to…”

“…see our Naneth… in that situation. We had a fight that many witnessed. Haldir heard the commotion and came down expecting to act like the mighty Captain! All four of us turned on him, for they were angry and hurt by his conduct. Nana and Himiel had to intervene to stop us attacking him. We returned to Imladris the next day refusing to discuss the matter with our grandparents. We were too afraid to do so for fear they already knew and were covering up for their daughter.” Elrohir fell silent as the painful memory played out in his mind. “It was only after Arwen told us the truth that we finally went to them and asked them to forgive us for doubting them.”

Elladan finished the story. “After the fight, ‘Ro and Himiel broke off their courtship. He felt betrayed that she had known and not said anything. We now know she and her brothers had already fallen out with Haldir over the affair for it betrayed not only you, but also his betrothed… a good friend of ours. I can now see they were in a difficult position, and had no one to advise them since Haldir had been their guardian after their parents died. They could not go to our grandparents… they had no one to turn to for advice, for so many were covering up the affair.”

“It was not until they began to live together here in Aman that we discovered that you had long known of her affair, but had sought to protect us from her infidelity. We also discovered… Haldir was not the only affair she had.” Reaching over to encircle his father’s shoulders with his arm, Elrohir sighed. “We are so sorry Ada! We love you dearly and your pain hurts us deeply.”

Sagging under the weight of his guilt and grief, Elrond whispered, “I did not want you to know. Your mother loves you and this does not change that fact.”

“We never doubted that she loved us… in her own way, but how can you think her betrayal of you does not affect us? She hurt you, our sister, our grandparents, his family and our poor friend… us with her lies and selfish disregard of her marriage vows,” Elladan asserted.

Strengthening his hold on his father’s slumped shoulders, Elrohir continued, “She abandoned us for those months after we discovered the truth, to weak to return to Imladris to face us! She only returned for that brief stay because our grandparents shamed her into visiting… another reason they felt so guilty after she sailed. We felt so guilty for not telling you, but we wanted to spare you the embarrassment of hearing it from us. It is why she left so unexpectedly for Lorien that fateful day; she hoped to avoid our company and thus our censure. If we had been with her…”

“We had confronted her the night before and told her either she break off the affair once she arrived in Lorien and then returned with us to confess to you… or we would tell you. She was so angry with us!” Sighing, he closed his eyes as the painful scene played over in his thoughts. “We brought her home thinking… but she sailed. Her time in Aman did not make her regret her behavior as we had hoped. No, she humiliated you with lies and then pushed you aside to share that house with him. She chose to be with him over her family, exposing us to the ridicule of Aman. ‘Ro and Himiel have had to delay their marriage because of her actions!”

“I am so sorry…”

“Ada, please listen to us! None of this is your fault. She betrayed you in the worst way possible… she has betrayed us all. We beg you not to refuse Lindir’s advice, thinking it is best for us. What is best for us is what is best for you. We love and respect you. You deserve so much better than to continue living alone, bound in this sham of a marriage made for the benefit of a place that no longer needs your sacrifice,” Elrohir implored.

“Please consider asking the Valar to end your marriage and give yourself the chance for a new life! That is what we want… what is best for us all!” Elladan added.

Elrond sat for a long time stunned by their words. /I never considered… Is this truly what they want or are they saying this to make it easier on me to consider a petition? Tis not likely the Valar would grant such a thing, but… should I make the attempt? Would the rest of my family and friends forgive me if I did ask… was granted my freedom? Would it make that much difference anyway, for none would want to tie themselves to one so tainted by scandal… a failed marriage./

Without conscious thought, his eyes began to cast about for the red-bound journal, an image of cornflower blue eyes turned up to meet his gaze clear in his mind. “I had a journal…”

Linder spoke for the first time in quite some time. “Indeed you did. It took me some time to wrest that journal from you last night. You did not want to be parted from it. It is there… on your bedside table.”

Noting his friend’s focus had shifted to locate it, he asked, “Is this not the one Galadriel gave you the day we sailed? You act as if it is somehow different than the same journal you have kept for years.”

Slightly dazed, Elrond reached out to take the volume in his trembling hands. “It looks like mine but it belongs to… a friend. I picked it up my mistake and need to keep it safe until I can return it.”

-----

Meril set aside her flute. She had begun to play in hopes of turning her thoughts away from the red-bound journal and its owner. The music had not had the desired effect. Deciding it would be best to put some distance between her and temptation, she rose to return the flute to its place atop her bookcase before going in search of her parents.

As her eyes dropped back to eyelevel, they locked on the distinctive red binding. As though compelled by an unseen force, her hand lifted to remove the journal from its place. The need to see the sketch he had made of her led her back to her bed and, with a guilty sigh, she settled the book on her lap.

-----

After exacting a promise from him to attend the mid-day meal, the others left and Elrond finally had his rooms to himself. Feeling the weight and the rich grain of the leather binding, he looked down at the journal still clutched in his hands. Motivated by a need he could not explain, he settled back onto his bed, the pillows piled behind his back, the book clinched in his hand.

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Himiel (Steadfast daughter) --- Haldir, Rúmil and Orophin’s sister