TiLove That Was Lost

Blackness was all around me. I couldn't remember how I got here. The warmth of covers on top of me did little to warm my freezing body, as it shook with cold. All I remembered was running away from something. As if I could just keep running, I could get away from what was hunting me.

Slowly I began to open my eyes, and all too soon they focused. I was back in our room, though I couldn't remember how I got there... I could see small little paths of sunlight from the window as they worked their way through the holes in the covers on top of me. I could hear the light mutter of voices not too far away from my bed. I knew them as Aragorn's voice, and Lord Elrond's. I did not move. I couldn't. I felt so weak. All I want to do is close my eyes again and fall into the dreamless sleep I had once been in. The last thing I hear is the door closing, before, once again, I am pulled under by sleep.

-------------------------------------

Someone was yelling. I sat upright in bed. The covers fell off me to land on the floor next to my bed. I come to realise that the person yelling was me, and clamp my mouth shut so hard that I could taste blood. I knew that I should care that I had hurt myself, that I had bitten my lip so badly that it was already swelling. But I didn't.

My right hand reached out, over the bed. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I was reaching for you. My brain still had the fog of sleep hanging over it, and it did not want to remember that you are not there, asleep next to me, and that I was reaching for nothing.

But then it remembered, and I waited for the pain to hit me again. I knew that that was what I had been trying to run away from. It was worse then a knife slicing at my flesh. Worse then an arrow piercing my shoulder. It did not come, however. I felt nothing, but the cold that was eating away at my body.

I wanted to feel something. Anything was better then this, even the pain that I was running from, this feeling of nothing. I felt myself falling, and I started to claw at the ground, kicking at the covers that were holding my legs, like they were something trying to hold me away from you.

I did not know where I wanted to go, but all at once, I was there. At our dresser. I could feel something running down my arm. Everything was foggy around me as I looked down to see what it was. It was red crimson. I wondered how that had gotten there. It was dripping from my wrist to the dresser, staining the brown wood. I reached for a shirt lying on the dresser and tried to mop at it. But no matter what I did, there was always more of the stuff.

I tipped my head to the side as, slowly, my body began to register a great amount of pain. I could feel a smile pulling at the side of my lips. For a second I was happy. Happy at the pain that was licking at my wrist. I was all right. I could feel something. I felt myself falling again. My legs had gave out from under me, and I came crashing down to the ground.

For a second I couldn't see anything as my eyes rolled back in my head. I felt arms around me. Haldir was that you? Had I finally, after all this, found my way back into your arms? My eyes rolled back into my head again just as I heard someone screaming. I groaned, then whimpered. No, it wasn't you again. Why do you stay away from me? Why will you not come to me, Haldir?

---------------------------------

Lord Elrond and I were walking down the hall of Helm's Deep, back to our rooms, after having left Legolas asleep in his bed. Lord Elrond was worried about him, but we both decided that sleep was best for the young prince and let him be. It was amazing to me how one person could look so beautiful awake or in deep dreams, like Legolas could.

I pulled my mind away from that thought as Lord Elrond began to speak. He was telling me that his daughter, the Evenstar of her people, has gone over the sea to the Grey Haven. I thought that I would be hurt at this news, knowing that she would be gone from me for the rest of my life. But I wasn't. I felt elated for some reason. She would live forever with her people, and for some reason that filled me with a great sense of peace.

I reached up to my neck, and unclasped the pendant she had given me. I gently laid it in the palm of his hand, and smiled at him. I was going to ask him to see that she gets it back, when both of our heads turned upon hearing a thud from Legolas room. We had both thought that we had left him to rest.

I saw Lord Elrond's black eyebrow arch up as he looked at me. "I believe I scared him, the last we saw one another. I think perhaps it would be best if you go on and see if he is all right."

I felt myself give him a questioning look. What did he mean that he had scared Legolas? Was this why Elrond had looked so worried? I gave a small nod of my head, and started walking to Legolas' room. Legolas hadn't been acting himself lately. Not since the fight. I was worried for the young elf myself. I had never seen him this upset before. I thought that perhaps I had done something wrong. That he was angry at me for some reason, because he would not talk to me. He just stared off into space as if he no longer wished to be on this earth. Could an elf grieve so much over the loss of his brethren? I wonder. Or was it something more? Something he wasn’t telling us.

I reached out for the door, knocking lightly on it. There wasn't a sound coming from inside. I thought that Legolas had fallen asleep again, and I turned away to leave. But I couldn't. Something told me to go in. I gave the door a small push, but there was something in the way that blocked the door from being opened all the way. I frowned. Had something fallen over in Legolas room? And if so, why was he not awake?

There was just enough light in the hall for me to make out what was in the way. I pressed my face to the small crack in the door. The object was a pair of deep green leather pants. I frowned again, but that frown soon faded from my lips as I began to make out a leg, an arm.

And red blood.


Nothing in all of Mild Earth could have prepared me for that second. Legolas was lying on the ground with blood seeping from his body. I couldn't think what might have happened. Had some Orc gotten into his room and killed him? Panic filled me. I didn’t know what to do.

Death. God, I have seen enough of that. My heart stopped beating in my chest. I leant all my weight against the door, and pushed. I felt a twinge of guilt as the door hit Legolas, but I couldn't just leave him there. What if he was really hurt? As his body moves from the force of my push the door swung open and I rushed inside.

The smell of blood hung heavy in the air. My cold grey eyes swept over the room, trying to find out what has happened. But once my eyes hit the dresser and the hunting knife stained in blood, I knew. God, Legolas. What have you done to yourself? What has made you try and take your own life?

Why could I not see that this was going to happen? I wanted to kick myself. I wanted to hate myself. I wanted to cry. I knelt next to his body, and the memory of Haldir hit me. I had done the same thing for him. But my arms were more caring, more compassionate, for Legolas as I pulled him off from the ground and into my arms. I felt tears stinging at my eyes, and then they ran down my cheeks.

What were you thinking, Legolas? I can't lose you, as well, I wanted to say. But I did not, as I pulled your face to my chest and hugged you close, burying my face in your shoulder. Please Legolas. Do not die on me.

Quickly I pull myself together. If I wanted to save Legolas, I could not weep like a child. That would have to come later.

All I could think of to do was yell for help.

"Elrond?????"

I could hear my voice calling down the hall. I would do anything, Legolas, to keep you from leaving me.