The Beverly Hillbillies Go To Middle Earth

The Beverly Hillbillies go to Middle Earth
By Sinda

Chapter 3

Legolas opened one eye for about ten seconds before having to close it again. He waited for a minute then tried the other. Not much better. Trying a different approach, he kept both eyes closed and pushed himself up into a sitting position on the bed. Very slowly now, he opened both eyes, only to find he had a bad case of the bed-spins. With the utmost caution, he placed a foot on the floor to try and hold the room in place. It worked. He put the other foot down for extra support. Never in his entire life had he been this drunk. He had always known exactly how much he could handle and had kept that in mind. He didn’t understand what had happened this time. A nagging voice in the back of his head told him that maybe he should have stayed away from Granny’s jug of corn liquor. And that warg au vin; that hadn’t helped, he was sure. Getting brave now, he tried to stand, only to have his leggings drop to the floor. Why would his leggings fall down? He looked down to see that the laces had been pulled completely free from them. He didn’t remember doing that. In fact, he didn’t remember leaving the table the night before. Now he was growing concerned. He tried to put the laces back in but couldn’t manage to get them into the small holes in the leggings. Frustrated, he pulled the leggings off and found a blanket to wrap around his waist. Grabbing the leggings and laces, he stomped out the door to find Éowyn. Maybe she could fix the stupid things.

~~~~~~~~~

“Elly May, please let me sleep!” Éomer was begging. “I cannot take much more!”

“But Mr. Éomer, you said we ought to try each other out to see if we wanted to get married,” she told him, flipping him onto his back.

“Yes, I know, but Elly May, I am only human! Please, please let me sleep for an hour at least!” he pleaded, fighting back tears.

“Well, all right, Mr. Éomer, I’ll give you an hour,” she said, “just as soon as you learn me how to do one more position.”

He nodded reluctantly, hoping that his body would fail him, but Elly May was a fast learner and knew exactly how to get him in the mood. All he had to do was to get through this and he’d get an hour of sleep. He could do it, he told himself.

~~~~~~~~~

Legolas stomped into the Golden Hall and looked around. Realizing that it hurt to move his head sharply, he made do with shifting his whole body in one direction then the other, trying to find Éowyn. Finally spotting the young maiden sound asleep against Aragorn, the elf stomped over to her and cleared his throat. Aragorn opened an eye and regarded the elf warily.

“What is it, Legolas?” the man asked.

Legolas said through gritted teeth, “I need some help getting the laces back in my leggings.”

“Why did you pull them out?” Aragorn asked, opening the second eye.

“I did not do it,” Legolas stated then added, “as far as I know.”

“Then who did?” Aragorn asked, pushing Éowyn away. Her head hit the stone floor with a thump, but she did not seem to notice.

“How did I get to bed last night?” Legolas asked, concerned.

Aragorn closed his eyes in contemplation for a moment. When his eyes sprang back open, Legolas knew that it was not good news. “Jethro took you to your room!”

“Ai! Aragorn, how could you let him do it?” Legolas grabbed the nearest pillar and held on for support. Pale now, even for an elf, he vowed that he would never partake of spirits again.

~~~~~~~~~

Théoden stepped into the Golden Hall in search of Gandalf. It was difficult to set a foot down without stepping on a sleeping form, he noticed. He was glad that such a good time had been had by all, but he had a kingdom to run and had much to discuss with the Wizard. Almost stepping on Miss Hathaway’s naked form, he shuddered and covered her with his cloak. They would all thank him for that, later.

After carefully maneuvering himself across the large hall, Théoden found Gandalf and began to speak to the wizard, asking his opinion on the battle strategies they should use against the forces of Saruman. The wizard seemed to be taking his time thinking it over and Théoden shifted from foot to foot, waiting for an answer.

When Gandalf did not answer, Théoden thought that maybe he had not explained the question well enough and expounded on it for quite some time, pacing back and forth as he explained his objectives.

~~~~~~~~~

Éomer slowly crawled out of bed, anxious not to wake Elly May. His knees were shaking with exhaustion as he made his way across to the door. Relieved, he opened the door and started to step out but her voice stopped him.

“Mr. Éomer! Come back to bed,” she pleaded, approaching him. “I want you to learn me some more!”

Éomer fought back tears as he was dragged bodily back into the room.

~~~~~~~~~~

Aragorn got up and took the leggings from Legolas. He easily rethreaded the laces back through, handing them to Legolas when he was done. The sound of cursing and yelling, up and down the length of the great hall, caught their attention. Jethro was cutting across the room, not too concerned about whom he stepped on and several people were now sitting up grumbling in the wake of his path. Catching sight of Legolas, Jethro watched the elf warily, as he made his way to the kitchen, still stepping on the prone bodies along the way. Legolas glared back with an equal amount of apprehension before grabbing the leggings so that he could change. Unlike Jethro, Legolas lightly made his way thorough the sleeping people without stepping on any of them. The elf walked past Théoden who was pacing back and talking to himself about his battle plans. No, the king wasn’t talking to himself, he was speaking to Gandalf, but Gandalf was sound asleep. Legolas wondered if Théoden knew that wizards slept with their eyes open. He considered pointing this out, but wasn’t really in the mood for it.

The loud ringing of a bell shattered the near-silence in the room and brought all the sleeping people instantly awake, many of them with their hands already on either their swords or their ears. Looking around to see what the emergency was, they were appalled to hear Granny come in and announce breakfast.

“I whomped up a batch of warg au vin omelettes,” Granny announced happily, “and I expect every one of you to eat!” There was much groaning around the room.

~~~~~~~~~

Éomer ran into the hall, hair sticking up all over and his clothing torn. His eyes darted back and forth wildly as he moved from pillar to pillar, hoping to remain unseen by Elly who was already looking for him. He cautiously made his way to Théoden and asked to speak with him in private.

“Uncle, I need help,” he began, looking around to make sure Elly hadn’t come after him yet. “I need to get away for a while.”

“What have you done, Éomer?” the king asked warily.

“I…well…it is Elly May,” he said, explaining the situation to his uncle.

“I shall send you away to hunt Orcs for a few days, just to allow you time to rest, but you must come back and face the consequences of your actions,” the king decided. “I suspect that Jed will insist upon marriage.”

Éomer paled. The thought of spending the rest of his life trying to satisfy Elly May and her new insatiable appetite for sex was too much. Maybe he could die in battle as his cousin had done and go out in a blaze of glory. He brightened. Yes, that would be good. He quickly ran off to round up his men.

A sudden commotion in the center of the room caused Théoden to seek its source. As he made his way through the crowd, he saw several people stumbling away, pale or even nauseous. He couldn’t imagine what was having this effect on them, as there was almost a stampede to leave the hall. As the crowd finally began to dissipate, Théoden came face to face with his greatest fear; Miss Hathaway, naked, searching for her clothes. Stumbling backwards, he turned and ran, joining the exodus.

~~~~~~~

“How’s that omelet?” Granny asked Gamling.

“Very good,” he forced himself to smile and brought a shaking forkful of the noxious egg mixture to his lips. Granny was watching, so he had no choice but to put the food into his mouth and begin to chew, a tear beginning to roll down his cheek. For one horrible moment after he swallowed, he did not think that it was going to go down, but it did. Satisfied, Granny moved on to her next victim just moments before Gamling’s iron stomach finally rejected the chunk of omelet and spewed it everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~

“Quickly!” Éomer told his men as he saw Elly rounding the corner of the stables. “We must ride like the wind!” He put his horse into a gallop but still feared that she would catch him.

Glancing around, Elly spotted the stallion, Silverfoot, and ran to him. Nobody had been able to ride the horse and they were talking about setting him free. She spoke quietly to the horse for a few moments, explaining to him why she needed his help.

~~~~~~~~~

Théoden approached Gandalf once again. Gamling was at his side, though the man was clutching his stomach and had turned an interesting shade of green. Théoden assumed that his condition was due to overindulging the previous night and did not mention it to the man.

“Gandalf, my scouts have just returned with the news that an army of ten thousand or more is on its way to attack our kingdom. Now I fear that our plans are all pointless and that we shall need new strategies,” Théoden said, frowning.

“Why, what had you planned to do?” Gandalf asked, biting into an apple.

“The battle strategies…the plans we discussed for over an hour this morning…?”

Gandalf shook his head, looking confused. “I just woke up.”

Théoden simply stared at Gandalf, wondering if the wizard was finally growing senile.

~~~~~~~~~

“What has happened?” one of Éomer’s men asked him. “Why have we been called away when war is imminent?”

“Uh, we have been given the task of…taking out the smaller groups of Orcs before they reach Edoras,” Éomer said, thinking quickly. “Yes, then if we kill off some of the smaller bands of Orcs, there will be less when they finally attack.”

The man shrugged and fell back. It made sense to him, but he didn’t see why they had had to leave at once when they were all suffering from hangovers.

A sudden commotion caused Éomer to turn around and look behind him. Horrified, he saw Elly May riding up behind them on Silverfoot, bareback no less. Eyes big, he urged his horse on faster, but before long, she was riding next to him.

“Mr. Éomer!” she yelled, out of breath. “You done went and left without telling me if you wanted to marry me or not!”

“Uh, Elly,” he said, thinking furiously. “We have been called into a great battle. It is likely that I will not return, but if I do, we shall wed.”

“Oh, really Mr. Éomer? I’m mighty pleased about that! I’ll go back and tell everybody so we can start plannin’ the weddin’.”

“Uh, no, Elly. Do not do that just yet. Let us keep it a surprise for now and if I return, we shall announce our plans,” he said, already picturing his final battle where he would die as a valiant warrior.

“Yes, sir, Mr. Éomer, whatever you say!” she smiled and whipped her horse around, heading back the way she had come.

Éomer looked back to see that some of his men were snickering and whispering amongst themselves. They wouldn’t be laughing when they found out that he was planning a suicide mission.

~~~~~~~~~

The announcement was made that everybody was to make for Helm’s Deep. There was a flurry of activity as everybody gathered up their belongings and began to move out.

Jed and Jethro repacked their automobile-turned-horse-cart and put Granny’s rocking chair up on top where she liked it. They had to practically hog-tie her to get her onto the cart, since she was determined to stay and face the Uruk-hai forces. She almost panicked when she realized that her corn liquor was all gone, but Jed assured her that they still had her still and would brew up a batch of something when they got to Helm’s Deep. Convinced at last, she climbed into her rocker and settled down for the long journey.

~~tbc~~