Random Conversations [COMPLETE]
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
7
Views:
1,017
Reviews:
15
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
7
Views:
1,017
Reviews:
15
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Magic Weed and Artistic License
A/N: Special thanks goes to Shana as this never would have come about had it not been for a late-night, sleep-deprived IM chat. Shana also gets co-author billing on this one as she wrote some of her lines this time. Feedback appreciated.
The Disclaimer: None of the LotR characters belong to me. They belong to The Professor. Shana and Valkyrie belong to themselves. ALSO, any references made to other works of fan fiction are NOT meant to be malicious. I only make references to these stories and do not mention titles or specific authors that I do not know. These are simply stories that stick out in my mind and any references are made in all good fun and humor The The Cast (this chapter): Glorfindel, Erestor, Elledan, Elrohir, Legolas, Haldir, Faramir, Aragorn, Eomer, Galadriel, Celeborn, Rumil, Orophin, Elrond, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Bilbo, Gandalf, Rainien, Shana, Valkyrie, and a surprise appearance
Let the insanity continue…
Valkyrie: *blushes and glares at Aragorn* Well that was just brilliant, Aragorn. You couldn’t come up with something better than that?
Aragorn: I’m sorry. Really, I am. It’s just…*whispering*…she’s rather frightening, you know? What with that mirror of hers and those lights. She’d have figured it out anyway. She always does.
Elrond: *yelling* Out! All of you out! The kitchen staff is about to go on strike because they can’t keep up with your appetites AND feed the rest of Imladris. *herding five protesting hobbits out of the house*
Pippin: But we’re starving!
Elrond: You are always starving.
Aragorn: *pulls an apple out of nowhere and tosses it at Pippin, hitting him on the head with it*
Merry: *giggles*
Pippin: *looks around, bewildered, shrugs and bites into the apple*
Sam: Will supper be served soon?
Elrond: I have no clue. The cooks are no longer speaking to me.
Sam: If we’re having roast chicken, I have salt for it. Best salt in all the Shire, it is.
Frodo: *shaking his head* My dear Sam.
Sam: Oh, Mr. Frodo. *looks at him adoringly*
Bilbo: *settles on the bench next to Galadriel and promptly falls asleep*
Pippin and Merry: *settle next to Frodo and Sam under a nearby tree, pull their pipes from their jacket pockets and begin to puff away*
Rainien: I’ve always wondered, how do you manage to light those things without fire?
Merry: *glancing at Pippin* Sorry, but that’s a secret.
Gandalf: *walking up the path, leaning heavily on his staff* I’ll tell you how.
Valkyrie: Hello Gandalf!
Gandalf: Hello, my dear. *settles next to Bilbo, who is by now snoring softly* To answer your question, Rainien, I put a spell on the pipeweed. These rascals *pointing at Merry and Pippin* blackmailed me. They convinced the growers in the South Farthing to not sell me any more pipeweed until I put a self-lighting spell on it. Never in all the time that I have walked this Earth have my own weaknesses been used against me in such a way.
Shana: *laughs*
Gandalf: *looking rather disgruntled* You aren’t the only one who found it funny. Radagast the Brown found out about it and threatened to tell the rest of our Order if I didn’t promote him to Grey.
Aragorn: *laughing* What did you do?
Gandalf: Promoted him, of course. I can do that, now that I am Gandalf the White. *snickers* Let him deal with that hat for a while. He will soon see that he was much better off being Radagast the Brown.
Rainien: Now that’d be a handy spell. I’m always loosing my lighter somewhere.
Gandalf: If you will take back calling me an old fart, I just might consider it.
Rainien: How did you…? *blushes* My apologies, Sir. You are not an old fart. Wise and old, but certainly not an old fart.
Gandalf: *smiling* Consider it done, my dear.
Rainien: *giddy with the thought of never having to keep track of her lighter again* Thank you, Gandalf!
Tom Bombadil: *bouncing/dancing through the garden, singing*
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:
His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster. (FotR, Fog on the Barrow-Downs)
Sam: What’s he doing here?
Rainien: He’s just passing through. Since PJ didn’t see fit to include him in the movie, I figured I’d at least mention him here. *watches as the merry fellow bounces/dances down the path* Good-bye, Tom!
Tom Bombadil: *singing* …and Goldberry is waiting! *bounces/dances out of sight*
Rainien: *sighs* There! I feel better now. *smiles*
Elrond: *nodding in approval* Yes, my dear, well done. I was disappointed that he was left out. Such an ancient being, he deserved at least a mention.
Valkyrie: Now that we’re on this subject, there were quite a few things left out of the movies.
Rainien: And changed.
Shana: And added. Like my poor Hal getting killed at Helm’s Deep.
Haldir: *mumbles about crazed writers and directors*
Shana: I know, dear. *strokes the tips of his ears and smiles as he begins to purr*
Legolas: *snorts* Now who is the pansy?
Rainien: *strokes the tips of Legolas’ ears* We’re not going to start down that path again, are we? *grins as he begins to purr as well*
Shana: *smirks*
Gandalf: *shaking his head at the two purring elves* Where were we? Oh, yes. Differences.
Valkyrie: So where should we start?
Rainien: Well, Tom Bombadil was left out.
Shana: Been there.
Valkyrie: Done that.
Rainien: Oh, yeah.
Valkyrie: Frodo was too young.
Rainien: Oh, but those blue eyes. So precious.
Frodo: Precious? Where? I thought I got rid of that. Didn’t I, Sam? See, Smeagol bit my finger off and now it and the Precious are gone.
Sam: It’s ok, Mr. Frodo. That’s not what she meant. *glares at Rainien* Please don’t use that word again, Miss.
Rainien: What word?
Sam: Precious.
Frodo: Where?
Shana: *groans*
Rainien: *smi
Glorfindel: I was left out.
Elrohir: Yeah…
Elledan: …so were we!
Legolas: Been there.
Haldir: Done that.
Faramir: What about what they did to me?
Aragorn: Oh, no. Here we go again.
Valkyrie: Aragorn, leave him alone. He happens to be right.
Faramir: Thank you! Of course I am right. I mean, really, who could possibly believe that I would be so STUPID as to take Frodo and the Ring to Osgiliath, much less plan to hand it over to my father? Let’s face it, he’s not right in the head.
Celeborn: I believe that man – What was his name again? He looked somewhat like a Halfling. – Anyway, I believe he said that if you refused the call of the One Ring, it would “kill” the Ring, whatever that means.
Faramir: Well, wasn’t that the whole POINT??
Rainien: Not really, Faramir. Although I am no NO WAY defending PJ’s decision, what he meant was that if you resisted the Ring, after he’d spent so much time showing how absolutely evil it was, then your resistance of its power would kill the power of the Ring on film.
Faramir: *snorts* And Father always says I disappoint him. “Kill the power of the Ring, huh?” Now THAT would have shown my quality!
Valkyrie: *nods approvingly*
Elrond: Faramir, where is your lovely wife?
Faramir: Eowyn? She’s…
Shana and Rainien: I AM NO MAN!! *laughing*
Haldir: Well, thank the Valar for THAT!
Elledan: Oh, definitely!
Elrohir: *nodding*
Faramir: *mumbling about how many times he’s had to hear that being yelled by crazed women* Ahem. Well, yes, Eowyn. I’m not certain if she’ll be joining us or not. The last time I saw her she was terrorizing…err…instructing the household staff. She’s quite taken to her new life, my Lord Elrond.
Galadriel: You don’t sound overly pleased, Faramir.
Faramir: No, my Lady. On the contrary! Now that Eowyn has decided that she will fight no more, she’s become quite the lady of the manor,to sto speak. It’s just that she can be quite…umm…demanding.
Celeborn: Oh? How so? *grinning*
Faramir: *standing and beginning to pace* I have no freedom in my own home! At the end of the day all I want to do is put my feet up and enjoy a nice ale. Is that too much to ask as reward for trying to rebuild Ithilien? *not waiting for a response* Well apparently it is! As soon as I sit down, there she is with this list of things that need to be done around the house. The house!! Like taking back the forest isn’t good enough, she always wants gardens restored and closets built and all manner of things. And YOU *turning to Legolas* were supposed to come help!
Legolas: I’m sorry, Faramir. I just can’t do it. Those human women, they won’t leave me alone. Nope. No can do, my friend.
Haldir: Pansy.
Shana: *bites the tip of his ear*
Haldir: OUCH! Now that was uncalled for.
Shana: Hal, dear, I thought I asked you…*glares at Frodo*
Frododoubdoubled over laughing*
Shana: Just what the hell is so funny over there, runt?
Frodo: Hal, dear!! Get it? Haldir? Hal, dear? *wipes tears from his cheeks*
Shana: *stands and begins stalking toward Frodo* Oh laugh it up, oh Whiny One. Mister "No-Sam-and-I-Are-Not-Lovers." Rubbish.
Frodo: *squeaks and hides behind Sam*
Shana: All you did on the whole trip to Mordor was WHINE! SUCK IT UP! You knew what you were getting into! You VOLUNTEERED!!!
Erestor: *finally emerging from the library* Now, Shana. *catches her in his arms and whispers* You know his mind is not all there any more. Come, I’ll sit with you and Hal and Glory and we’ll all have a nice chat.
Shana: *allows Erestor to walk her back to sit next to Haldir again, looks at Frodo one last time and sneers* You wouldn't have lasted an HOUR in basic training! I don't know HOW you made it to Mt. Doom. *pauses, contemplating for a moment* Nevermind, I DO know... *snickers, burying face in Haldir's hair, trying to hold back laughter*
Legolas: *gasps*
Elrond: *smiles as a rather lovely dark-haired elf strolls into the garden*
Haldir: Just who the FUCK are you?!
TBC
A/N – Ok, folks. We’re getting close to the end now. I have a few more characters to add, but I’m not telling who. We’ve got one, maybe two, more chapters to go. Now here’s the deal. If you’d like to see a character added, that I’ve not added so far, let me know in a review and I’ll see what I can do about it before I get to the end of this madness.
The Disclaimer: None of the LotR characters belong to me. They belong to The Professor. Shana and Valkyrie belong to themselves. ALSO, any references made to other works of fan fiction are NOT meant to be malicious. I only make references to these stories and do not mention titles or specific authors that I do not know. These are simply stories that stick out in my mind and any references are made in all good fun and humor The The Cast (this chapter): Glorfindel, Erestor, Elledan, Elrohir, Legolas, Haldir, Faramir, Aragorn, Eomer, Galadriel, Celeborn, Rumil, Orophin, Elrond, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Bilbo, Gandalf, Rainien, Shana, Valkyrie, and a surprise appearance
Let the insanity continue…
Valkyrie: *blushes and glares at Aragorn* Well that was just brilliant, Aragorn. You couldn’t come up with something better than that?
Aragorn: I’m sorry. Really, I am. It’s just…*whispering*…she’s rather frightening, you know? What with that mirror of hers and those lights. She’d have figured it out anyway. She always does.
Elrond: *yelling* Out! All of you out! The kitchen staff is about to go on strike because they can’t keep up with your appetites AND feed the rest of Imladris. *herding five protesting hobbits out of the house*
Pippin: But we’re starving!
Elrond: You are always starving.
Aragorn: *pulls an apple out of nowhere and tosses it at Pippin, hitting him on the head with it*
Merry: *giggles*
Pippin: *looks around, bewildered, shrugs and bites into the apple*
Sam: Will supper be served soon?
Elrond: I have no clue. The cooks are no longer speaking to me.
Sam: If we’re having roast chicken, I have salt for it. Best salt in all the Shire, it is.
Frodo: *shaking his head* My dear Sam.
Sam: Oh, Mr. Frodo. *looks at him adoringly*
Bilbo: *settles on the bench next to Galadriel and promptly falls asleep*
Pippin and Merry: *settle next to Frodo and Sam under a nearby tree, pull their pipes from their jacket pockets and begin to puff away*
Rainien: I’ve always wondered, how do you manage to light those things without fire?
Merry: *glancing at Pippin* Sorry, but that’s a secret.
Gandalf: *walking up the path, leaning heavily on his staff* I’ll tell you how.
Valkyrie: Hello Gandalf!
Gandalf: Hello, my dear. *settles next to Bilbo, who is by now snoring softly* To answer your question, Rainien, I put a spell on the pipeweed. These rascals *pointing at Merry and Pippin* blackmailed me. They convinced the growers in the South Farthing to not sell me any more pipeweed until I put a self-lighting spell on it. Never in all the time that I have walked this Earth have my own weaknesses been used against me in such a way.
Shana: *laughs*
Gandalf: *looking rather disgruntled* You aren’t the only one who found it funny. Radagast the Brown found out about it and threatened to tell the rest of our Order if I didn’t promote him to Grey.
Aragorn: *laughing* What did you do?
Gandalf: Promoted him, of course. I can do that, now that I am Gandalf the White. *snickers* Let him deal with that hat for a while. He will soon see that he was much better off being Radagast the Brown.
Rainien: Now that’d be a handy spell. I’m always loosing my lighter somewhere.
Gandalf: If you will take back calling me an old fart, I just might consider it.
Rainien: How did you…? *blushes* My apologies, Sir. You are not an old fart. Wise and old, but certainly not an old fart.
Gandalf: *smiling* Consider it done, my dear.
Rainien: *giddy with the thought of never having to keep track of her lighter again* Thank you, Gandalf!
Tom Bombadil: *bouncing/dancing through the garden, singing*
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:
His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster. (FotR, Fog on the Barrow-Downs)
Sam: What’s he doing here?
Rainien: He’s just passing through. Since PJ didn’t see fit to include him in the movie, I figured I’d at least mention him here. *watches as the merry fellow bounces/dances down the path* Good-bye, Tom!
Tom Bombadil: *singing* …and Goldberry is waiting! *bounces/dances out of sight*
Rainien: *sighs* There! I feel better now. *smiles*
Elrond: *nodding in approval* Yes, my dear, well done. I was disappointed that he was left out. Such an ancient being, he deserved at least a mention.
Valkyrie: Now that we’re on this subject, there were quite a few things left out of the movies.
Rainien: And changed.
Shana: And added. Like my poor Hal getting killed at Helm’s Deep.
Haldir: *mumbles about crazed writers and directors*
Shana: I know, dear. *strokes the tips of his ears and smiles as he begins to purr*
Legolas: *snorts* Now who is the pansy?
Rainien: *strokes the tips of Legolas’ ears* We’re not going to start down that path again, are we? *grins as he begins to purr as well*
Shana: *smirks*
Gandalf: *shaking his head at the two purring elves* Where were we? Oh, yes. Differences.
Valkyrie: So where should we start?
Rainien: Well, Tom Bombadil was left out.
Shana: Been there.
Valkyrie: Done that.
Rainien: Oh, yeah.
Valkyrie: Frodo was too young.
Rainien: Oh, but those blue eyes. So precious.
Frodo: Precious? Where? I thought I got rid of that. Didn’t I, Sam? See, Smeagol bit my finger off and now it and the Precious are gone.
Sam: It’s ok, Mr. Frodo. That’s not what she meant. *glares at Rainien* Please don’t use that word again, Miss.
Rainien: What word?
Sam: Precious.
Frodo: Where?
Shana: *groans*
Rainien: *smi
Glorfindel: I was left out.
Elrohir: Yeah…
Elledan: …so were we!
Legolas: Been there.
Haldir: Done that.
Faramir: What about what they did to me?
Aragorn: Oh, no. Here we go again.
Valkyrie: Aragorn, leave him alone. He happens to be right.
Faramir: Thank you! Of course I am right. I mean, really, who could possibly believe that I would be so STUPID as to take Frodo and the Ring to Osgiliath, much less plan to hand it over to my father? Let’s face it, he’s not right in the head.
Celeborn: I believe that man – What was his name again? He looked somewhat like a Halfling. – Anyway, I believe he said that if you refused the call of the One Ring, it would “kill” the Ring, whatever that means.
Faramir: Well, wasn’t that the whole POINT??
Rainien: Not really, Faramir. Although I am no NO WAY defending PJ’s decision, what he meant was that if you resisted the Ring, after he’d spent so much time showing how absolutely evil it was, then your resistance of its power would kill the power of the Ring on film.
Faramir: *snorts* And Father always says I disappoint him. “Kill the power of the Ring, huh?” Now THAT would have shown my quality!
Valkyrie: *nods approvingly*
Elrond: Faramir, where is your lovely wife?
Faramir: Eowyn? She’s…
Shana and Rainien: I AM NO MAN!! *laughing*
Haldir: Well, thank the Valar for THAT!
Elledan: Oh, definitely!
Elrohir: *nodding*
Faramir: *mumbling about how many times he’s had to hear that being yelled by crazed women* Ahem. Well, yes, Eowyn. I’m not certain if she’ll be joining us or not. The last time I saw her she was terrorizing…err…instructing the household staff. She’s quite taken to her new life, my Lord Elrond.
Galadriel: You don’t sound overly pleased, Faramir.
Faramir: No, my Lady. On the contrary! Now that Eowyn has decided that she will fight no more, she’s become quite the lady of the manor,to sto speak. It’s just that she can be quite…umm…demanding.
Celeborn: Oh? How so? *grinning*
Faramir: *standing and beginning to pace* I have no freedom in my own home! At the end of the day all I want to do is put my feet up and enjoy a nice ale. Is that too much to ask as reward for trying to rebuild Ithilien? *not waiting for a response* Well apparently it is! As soon as I sit down, there she is with this list of things that need to be done around the house. The house!! Like taking back the forest isn’t good enough, she always wants gardens restored and closets built and all manner of things. And YOU *turning to Legolas* were supposed to come help!
Legolas: I’m sorry, Faramir. I just can’t do it. Those human women, they won’t leave me alone. Nope. No can do, my friend.
Haldir: Pansy.
Shana: *bites the tip of his ear*
Haldir: OUCH! Now that was uncalled for.
Shana: Hal, dear, I thought I asked you…*glares at Frodo*
Frododoubdoubled over laughing*
Shana: Just what the hell is so funny over there, runt?
Frodo: Hal, dear!! Get it? Haldir? Hal, dear? *wipes tears from his cheeks*
Shana: *stands and begins stalking toward Frodo* Oh laugh it up, oh Whiny One. Mister "No-Sam-and-I-Are-Not-Lovers." Rubbish.
Frodo: *squeaks and hides behind Sam*
Shana: All you did on the whole trip to Mordor was WHINE! SUCK IT UP! You knew what you were getting into! You VOLUNTEERED!!!
Erestor: *finally emerging from the library* Now, Shana. *catches her in his arms and whispers* You know his mind is not all there any more. Come, I’ll sit with you and Hal and Glory and we’ll all have a nice chat.
Shana: *allows Erestor to walk her back to sit next to Haldir again, looks at Frodo one last time and sneers* You wouldn't have lasted an HOUR in basic training! I don't know HOW you made it to Mt. Doom. *pauses, contemplating for a moment* Nevermind, I DO know... *snickers, burying face in Haldir's hair, trying to hold back laughter*
Legolas: *gasps*
Elrond: *smiles as a rather lovely dark-haired elf strolls into the garden*
Haldir: Just who the FUCK are you?!
TBC
A/N – Ok, folks. We’re getting close to the end now. I have a few more characters to add, but I’m not telling who. We’ve got one, maybe two, more chapters to go. Now here’s the deal. If you’d like to see a character added, that I’ve not added so far, let me know in a review and I’ll see what I can do about it before I get to the end of this madness.