LotR: with a funny twist

Kia-chan: Well…WEEELLL?? So what did everyone think? Good thoughts hopefully…and heres THE LATEST UPDATE!
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The merry bunch laughed at the foolish Took until he began to cry so then they hurled rocks at him. Then after a hard day of throwing stuff at Pippin, laughing at Pippin and.um. throwing stuff at Pippin the group then stopped for the night on the ancient hill of Amon Súl or as it is also known- Weather'sbadatthetop. Frodo was very tired because he had been yelling at Sam all day for staring at his "tail" so he decided to take a nap.

Later that night.

Frodo: *Wakes up from his nap and looks at what the others are doing* what's going on? Where's Strider?

Merry: Oh he went off to look around.you know wha? That Strider fellow never washes his hair.it sis mes me

Strider: AHH HELP MEEEEEE, RINGWRAITHS!

Ringwraiths (Mimi, Amanda, Kelly):Hey, like that's the guy who was rude to us! They point at Frodo LETS GET HIM GIRLS!!

Sam, Merry and Pippin: run Frodo run!!!!(But it was too late, the Ringwraiths gave Frodo the 'kiss' of death)

Pippin: Strider kill them!!!!

Strider: I can't im not suppose to hit girls anymore, my therapist said so!

Sam: Hold on a second.(reaches into his sack) uh.let's see here? Sword? Nope. Lembas? Nope...That's it! (reaches into the sack and pulls out George W.Bush's shoe and chucks it at the Ringwraiths somehow knocking them all out)

Merry: Good thinking Samual

Sam: Huh.O Ok thanks?

Strider: Frodo was kissed by one of the foul creatures.We must get him to Rivendell fast!

(So the Company walked and walked..and then walked some more)

Merry: So Pip'? You really can't remember what happened the night before, eh?

Pippin: I TOLD YOU ALREADY! I saved you all from Sauron at that bar place

Merry: Why the bloody hell would Sauron go to a bar.I mean he has like a thousand Orc slaves, I think he could build his own bar

Pippin: True.Alright Mr.Bigshot what did I do the night before?

Merry: Uh.(thinks of something from the top of his head) you.slept with Sam, bye! (Runs away)

Pippin: WHAT??

Sam: (winks)

Pippin: AHHH (faints)

Strider: Come now don't dawdle! Theres the House of Elvis

Pi: (r: (regains consciousness) But I thought we were going to the house of Elrond.well at least that's what it says in the script.

Strider: WHAT???THERES A SCRIPT??? Give me that! (Reads over the script) Ah crap.I had my autograph book ready and everything!

(The company finally reached Rivendell)

Frodo: Huh? What? How did I get here.. Maybe I took a jet, GANDALF!!!

Gandalf: Hello my dear boy how are you little dude?

Frodo; Fine, thanks.uh are you stoned

Gandalf; No, no I've token a great liking to this extra-strength pipe weed Lord Elrond gave me.

Frodo: I see. whats that in your hand?

Gandalf: Oh this? Its Mithril and Sting the Sword, they once belonged to Bilbo as you mighve kve know.he wanted me to give you them before he..you know? (shrugs) Died

Frodo: BILBO'S DEAD???

Gandalf: Dead? No that's not what I ment.He went to go speak with Lord Elrond Before the council.but after he finds out what Bilbo did with his creamaided mother he surely will kill him.

Frodo: Is every one else ok? What council

Gandalf: Ah f**k the council! It started 7minuts ago! And yes everyone else is splendid (he grabs Frodo by the hand and with a flash they appear at the council)

Elrond: Welcome everyone. We are here because of the ring. Therefore let's start with a brief history of it. (Three hours later)

Elrond: The end!

(Gimli snores)

Elrond: Now, before we begin the dark, evil stuff, Arwen? Please pass out the snacks.

(Arwen gives everyone a cup of coffee and five animal crackers. She comes to Aragorn and gives him ten animal And a lump of sugar in his coffee)

Boromir: Hey! Strider has more Master Elrond! No fair! (He begins to whine.)

Arwen: Shut up, you creep!

(Boromir shuts up. Arwen comes to Gimli.)

Gimli: Hey, I got a hippo. I wanna kitty cat! (He begins to bawl)

Boromir: Yeah, and he got more! (Points at Aragorn, who looks up with his mouth full of crackers. Arwen casts a murderous glance at Boromir. Boromir shuts up. Arwen comes to Frodo.)

Frodo: No thanks, I don't think it's good for my stature. Is there anything else?

Arwen: There are concessions around the corner.

Frodo: Ok, thanks. If you will excuse me.

(He kisses her hand and walks off. Aragorn growls. Arwen comes to Elrond.)

Elrond: Well, what do you know! This one doesn't have a leg! (He stuffs it in his mouth. He looks over at two of the men sitting by Boromir.) You! Put those cards away. I will tolerate no poker playing during my council, though you will find that your seats are equipped with fine Parcheesi boards!

Gandalf: Can we get on with it? I don't know how long this Beano will last!

Elrond: All right, first order of business. The ring is evil. Therefore do not put it on because it might get stuck to your finger. Number two. There are a few side effects that come from bearing the ring. You might be hunted down by merciless riders; you might become a slimy creature like Gollum and thirdly, you might begin spewing green liquid at any instant. (Frodo walks in with a Capri Sun and a mountain of sweets.)

Frodo: Sorry it took so long. I couldn't decide between the twinkie and the tic tacs. (He sits down. All sitting near scoot their chairs away, except for Bilbo, who is too busy using his lap as a dance floor for his animal crackers.)

Elrond: Ahem. Well, perhaps we should hear a brief history of Morder.

Gandalf: (Groan)I believe we can skip that part.

Elrond: Oh, very well. But it is indeed enjoyable to build that sense of forboding! Now what we must do is des- (Gimli sneezes and Gloin's coffee spills.)

Gloin: Ahhh! Gimli! That coffee is hot! It better not leave a stain on my lucky tunic!

Gimli: You should've been holding your cup! And the coffee was pretty gross anyway!

Boromir:Yeah! And some people have more snackies than the rest of us!

Arwen: For the last time, shut up!

Boromir: No! I don't feel like it!

(Arwen spins around and hurls an animal cracker at his head. Boromir shuts up and rubs the giraffe-shaped dent on his temple.)

Elrond: Enough! As I was saying, this evil, no good, but rather pretty ring must be destroyed, or else Sauron, the enemy of all free lands, will cover us in a second darkness. It must be taken deep into the heart of Morder and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this. (A long silence except for Bilbo's snoring.)

Gimli: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?

Gandalf: Really! Are Frodo and I the only two of this group that understands the importance of the decision that will be made today? This is a threat! A real threat to us all!

Gimli: I take that as a no.

Gandalf: It most certainly is! We shall all remain here until this business is sorted out!

Boromir: Yeah! 'Cause that wasn't fair that he got more, was it old friend Gandy!

Gandalf: Not that business you fool of a.oh that's right. You don't have a last name. Now, Elrond, if you would.

Elrond: Certainly! All right, any volunteers,or will I have to draw names out of a hat?

Gimli: (quietly)I really gotta go.

Boromir: Do we have to destroy it? It would be such a pity to see unlimited power go to waste.

Aragorn: You cannot weild it. None of us can. The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.

Boromir: And what would a mere cracker-stealer know of such matters?

Legolas: That was no mere cracker. That was Simba, son of saltine, the yummiest of them all! By the way, that's Aragorn. He's a king.

Frodo: Anyone want a dum-dum?

Elrond, Boromir, Gimli: Me!!! (Frodo gives it to Arwen) Frodo: One so sweet needs something sweeter than coffee. (Aragorn growls louder.)

Gimli: (singing)Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

Elrond: Now back to business.

Gimli: (grumbling) Right now I'd like to do my own business.

Elrond:Who shall be the lucky peoples? The will be opulently honered, if they ever returned. (A wet spot appears on Gimli's pant leg.)

Gimli: Well, that's the end of that problem. I warned ya!

Elrond: Noone say a word! We will not speak until one of us resolves to take on this terrible burden.

Boromir: Ohh! The silent game! Does the winner get crackers? All present: SHUT UP!

(Boromir shuts up. All are silent for ten minutes, then-) Frodo: I will take the ring to Morder. Though, I do not know the way. (Stunned silence.)

Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear.

Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: Well, as soon as I have changed my pants, I shall accompany you as well.

Boromir: I shall come too. (To Elrond)You will pack us crackers, won't you?

Samwise: Ahhh! (Comes out of hiding)Well Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!

Elrond: All right. Cool with me. Now all of those who are in the fellowship please come into the dining hall and you shall have a farewell feast. (Merry and Pippin come out of hiding.)

Pippin: A feast! Count me in!

Merry: You won't leave us begging at the door dear Master Elrond!

Elrond: Ok, like I care. Come on and let's get it over with. (They sit down at a big table.)

Boromir: Ooo! Crackers! (He stuffs himself)Now I'm watching you, cracker- snatcher! You lay one finger on this plate and I'll-

All present: SHUT UP! (Boromir shuts up.)

Elrond: Ok, I hope everyone enjoyed the 'refreshments' and you can now all go say good-bye to your loved ones.except for the Hobbits because they don't have loved ones

Merry: HEY! We do so have loved ones!

Elrond: Alright then smarty-pants where are they?

Merry: Uh.behind that...um...Bush over there...-sucker- (runs away)

Aragorn (to Arwen): Ok.so on my way back im suppose to pick up a six-pack and some food

Arwen: that's right, also I want to give you this (Hands him her evenstar pendant)

Aragorn: I'll treasure it always my love!

Boromir: Yea and I love you too!

Aragorn: Dude, who the hell are you talking too?

Boromir: MY elven girlfriend

Aragorn: You don't have a girlfriend?

Boromir: Oh yea, I don't do I? Well then who is this? -Points at elfgirl-

Elfgirl: Eek get off of me pervert!

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Kia-chan: *lalala* I thnk this story is going pretty well….I guess its for the readers to decide ..Im getting a bit bored of this story..I think ill write an original next..perhaps a lemon XP