Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 31


Kalina was vaguely aware of the sound of the door opening to her room, decided it was probably Sauron or Legolas, and decided she couldn't be arsed moving. Just in case, she slipped one hand under her pillow where she had stashed a hand meat cleaver she had acquired somewhere along the way. It was an automatic reflex.

"'Scuse me, milady," grunted an unfamiliar voice. This triggered another automatic reflex. Without thinking, Kalina sat up and hurled the meat cleaver. It hit the orc squarely in the forehead and stuck as the orc fell backwards with a clatter of armor.

"I told you it was a bad idea." Legolas's voice issued through from the living room.

"What the fuck is going on?" shouted Kalina, pulling on a dressing gown. She hurried out, pausing only to retrieve her meat cleaver and found her friends in the living room being guarded by an orc.

"My lady..." quavered the orc, dropping onto his knees and kowtowing before Kalina.

"What?!!"

"The Master begs forgiveness!"

"Why?t hat has he done?" Kalina was confused as all hell and the wittering idiot of an orc wasn't doing much to straighten out her understanding of things.

"Apparently the water is out and Sauron wants us to look nice when he kills us," said Galadriel.

"Oh. Well that's fine. You. Piss off." Kalina prodded the prostrarc wrc with her foot. "I can look after this filth."

Without answering, the orc turned and fled, leaving his charges.

"I think the keys to these chains are on the one you killed," said Aragorn helpfully. Haldir glared at him.

"Don't talk to her! She's in league with the enemy!" Haldir placed the blame of all his current misery on Kalina. After all, she'd abandoned them to run off with Sauron, beaten the crap out of Galadriel, and then let them all suffer and had seemingly enslaved Legolas.

"Oh shut up Haldir. It's all part of a cunning plan," said Legolas, lying back on the couch and reading, smoking a joint he'd rolled earlier. He had seen too much weirdness in the past few days to be bothered paying much attention to what was going
on.

"It's true. She's on our side," agreed Galadriel.

"OI! Have you been poking about in my head again?" demanded Kalina, returning with the keys.

"Don't worry. There's far too much in there that I'm much happier not knowing about," said Galadriel, a disconcerted look crossing her face. 'A butt-plug?' The words resounded in Kalina's head.

'Yes actually. And stop prying you nosy slapper,' Kalina retorted mentally but lacking the usual level of spite. Galadriel giggled which started Kalina giggling as well.

"AND NOW SHE'S BEING GIRLY! Here, give me those!" Haldir snatched the keys off of Kalina as she and Galadriel began to get increasingly more hysterical. He fumbled with the keys and freed his wrists. "Right. You bitches are both vile and I hate you both intensely. Where's the bath?" he demanded of Legolas.

"Through there," he said, pointing and concentrating on ignoring his surroundings. All he needed was just a few hours more of quiet, a bit more weed, and then he could pretty much deal with whatever next was going to happen.

"Uhm... what's going on?" asked Aragorn who was handed the keys as Haldir stormed off, muttering and irate.

"Never mind. You're probably happier not knowing," said Galadriel, wiggling her wrists unsubtly in front of Aragorn who sighed and unshackled her before himself.

"Want some food? Sauron made me breakfast but and it looks edible. And it's for me, so it's probably not poisoned," offered Kalina, tilting her head towards the silver tray on the sideboard with an inordinate amount of food. It was clear that Sauron had no idea how much an ordinary elf consumed at one go or what Kalina would like, so he'd arranged an assortment of various breakfastables.

"FOOD!!!" Aragorn, hurrying over.

"So what is your great plan?" asked Galadriel, only slightly scathing.

"I thought you discerned that," replied Kalina.

"No, like I said. I'm not going to pry. There is far too much about you that I'm happier never ever knowing about," Galadriel assured her.

"Right. Well, I was thinking of making a break for it fairly soon. Everyone is currently running around doing things and everyone assumes I'm in league with Sauron so they won't think too much about me marching off with you lot then running like fuck and letting people know what exactly is happening in 'Lorien's back yard," said Kalina, sitting down on the edge of the couch beside Legolas and stealing the remnants of his joint.

"That's probably the most logical and sensible thing I've heard all day," said Galadriel, slumping into a chair.

"And doesn't involve gratuitous carnage, theoretically," added Aragorn, munching on some toast.

"Gratuitous carnage is always an option!" said Kalina happily, throwing up her meat cleaver and catching it.

"Of course it is," said Legolas, with just a hint of being patronizing. Kalina didn't seem to pick up on it or chose to ignore it.

"Have you got anything I can wear?" asked Galadriel. She was understandingly fed up of wearing a ragged mud-torn thing that had once been a silk dress.

"Yeah, come with me. For some reason the wardrobe in the bedroom is full of random clothes. He seems to have done his best to accommodate my every whim. It's rather sweet, really," said Kalina.

"He really does seem fixated," agreed Galadriel, getting up as Kalina led the way to the bedroom. She shut the door behind her. From the bathroom came the vague sound of Haldir singing happiloudloudly, and off-key.

"I know. Check this out," said Kalina, flinging open a wardrobe. Most of the garments inside were black, with the occasional red or dark purple peeking through the darkness.

"Fuck me!" exclaimed Galadriel.

"I know. It's slightly creepy, but then he seems to have good taste," said Kalina.

"You know, I've always fancied myself in black. But of course, I'm Galadriel. I've got to be all nice and ethereal and float about in white. Well fuck that! HAH!" Galadriel pushed Kalina out of the way and pulled out a long and elegant black dress.

"You might want to scrape some of that grime off of you before you put that on," said Kalina as Galadriel lovingly stroked the black fabric.

"Why bother? There's no shortage of the stuff and it's not like we'll be able to steal all of it before we run off," said Galadriel.

"I actually hadn't thought about that... quick! Find the nicest shit and I'll find something to pack it in!" Kalina's female urges had possessed her. There was no way in hell she was going to abandon the opportunity of free expensive clothing. At the same time, this was weird. She was getting along with Galadriel and was feeling slightly bad about having beaten the shit out of her the day before. Still, Galadriel seemed to have either forgotten about it or was plotting some kind of long-term nasty revenge, which could be quite vicious. Hmm... perhaps this female bonding crap was a good thing. That way Galadriel would be too endeared to Kalina and would forgive her over the mud-wrestling incident. Failing that, it would allow Kalina to remain close and watch for coming vengeance. She found a convenient satchel under the bed and tossed it onto the growing pile of clothing on the bed.

"I don't think we can really take much more than that," sighed Galadriel, ending her frenzy and being realistic.

"Probably not. Hmm... maybe I can convince him to take you on. Then we can gang up on him and stage a coup!" suggested Kalina. Galadriel looked tempted by the idea.

"Is he any good in bed?"

"Don't actually know yet. Been putting that off. I'm not exactly sure how much I want to sleep with a paragon of evil who is willing to let me stick things up his arse," explained Kalina.

"Ahem. Legolas?" asked Galadriel, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, but he's a slut and just enjoys being a filthy hedonist. Sauron... well, he's clueless and clingy and if you give him half the chance he won't shut the fuck up about Isildur and his bloody missing ring. You'd think he'd have taken the opportunity to muster strength and research OTHER means of successful global domination. But NooooOOooo. Whingy sod," said Kalina, finally figuring out what it was that annoyed her about Sauron.

"I know what you mean," nodded Galadriel, picking up a dark blue velvet dress. "I have got to see this on you! Try it on!" she said, passing it to Kalina.

"What? Why?" asked Kalina.

"Because! I'm a mess. It'll look better on you right now and I want to see how it looks on," explained Galadriel.

"Uh-huh. This wouldn't be some sort of retribution for me kicking your ass last night, would it?" asked Kalina suspiciously. Galadriel looked confused.

"No... I take it you don't have that many female friends?" asked Galadriel.

"Almost all females I meet are either appalled or terrified by me. And as you know, Arwen and I aren't close," Kalina replied.

"Hah. If she was my sister she'd probably get up my nose too. Even when she was little she was just so... I don't know... dull. Conventional. Blah. Got any gin?" Galadriel changed the subject quickly.

"Probably. There's a fully stocked drinks cabinet through there. And I think elf-slut has weed that I must annex. Back in a second." Kalina darted off through to the living room to find Aragorn curled up beside Legolas, fast asleep. Legolas had balanced his book on Aragorn's head and was using it to roll another spliff on, as well as balance a cup of tea.

"What are you doing through there?" asked Legolas as Kalina opened the cabinet and found a bottle of Isengard Gin, a cheap and nasty but quite potent brand. She then grabbed a bottle of elderflower wine for herself. It was suitably wussy enough for a liquid breakfast.

"I'm being introduced to female bonding. It seems to involve alcohol, drugs, and trying on clothes. Is that normal?" asked Kalina. Legolas shrugged.

"Aside from the fact that it's you and Galadriel, and you're the first two rampaging, substance-abusing nymphomaniacs I've had the pleasure to spend quality time with, I think this is the sort of things your gender is guilty of," said Legolas. "Anyway, you being the dirty harridan you are, I assumed you were keen on hot lesbian action."

"Well, the odd feisty human wench, yes. But no elves. I don't know any who are willing to spend time with me outside of when formal convention dictates I actually have to appear in public with Daddy. Then it's all just formalities until I can sneak off and get drunk. Now give me drugs!" Kalina snatched the pouch Legolas used to hide his stash off his belt.

"No! Steal your fiancé's," protested Legolas, still concentrating on the finishing touches of his joint and trying not to disturb Aragorn so he didn't move and disturb his role in the processing of narcotics.

"I would but I can't be arsed searching for them. Galadriel and I are trying to grab as much free stuff as we can comfortably carry before we make a run for it. And if you let me keep your drugs, I'll make sure you get to see me try on all the kinky underwear I'm about to liberate."

'Yes, but she'd do that anyway,' said Legolas's logical part of his brain. 'Still... better make sure I can hold her to it,' thought the remainder of Legolas's groin-governed head. "Take it! Enjoy!" urged Legolas.

"Kinky underwear?" mumbled Aragorn, briefly returning to consciousness.

"Not now. Later. Go back to sleep," said Legolas, grabbing his tea to prevent spillage.

"Oh.Nrgh." Aragorn mumbled incoherently then fell asleep again.