The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 29: How to Traumatise an Elf Prince


Surprised at how much he actually was enjoying solitude, Legolas was looking for his pipe to have a leisurely smoke before heading to bed. It occurred to him that he’d probably left it in Kalina’s room earlier. Chiding his absent mindedness, he quietly opened the door and hurried to Kalina’s, knocking quietly. It was sometime after two or three in the morning and he had no desire to be yelled at for waking anyone up.

After waiting a few minutes with no answer, he tried the door to Kalina’s room and found it locked. Shrugging, he merely wandered outside and around the back to the window Kalina habitually left ajar in the summer months. On this side of the house it was a good ten feet to her bedroom window from where the elf stood. Access could be achieved by clambering up the large cherry tree that grew close to the side of the building, which was little effort for an agile elf.

Minutes later, Legolas was alone in Kalina’s dark and empty room. Not wanting to agitate her in case she was still in a huff over earlier, he scanned around and found his pipe by the bedside table. No sooner had he tucked it into his shirt for the climb down did he hear Kalina’s voice in the hall, laughing and occasionally whispering something in Sindarin. Before waiting to identify who she was talking to, Legolas dove under Kalina’s bed to hide, still fretful that she would be irate.

The lock clicked and the door slid open as Kalina and someone sounding familiar entered. From his limited perspective, Legolas could tell Kalina had been swept up and seconds later landed heavily on the bed, giggling.

“We should have just stayed back at mine. Now I’m just going to have to tear your clothes off all over again,” said the unknown voice. Legolas raised a smug eyebrow, feeling pleased with himself. After actually having sex with her, and then watching her have sex with other people, listening to Kalina in the throes of unadulterated lust was pretty damn arousing.

“So what did you go to the kitchen for?” inquired Kalina, sounding unusually innocent to Legolas’s mind.

“If you take off your clothes I’ll show you,” replied the as-yet nameless voice insidiously. Legolas’s eyes widened. Kalina? Acting submissive?! She only ever did on on the most rare occasion, normally as a way to console him if something awful happened, or as a cheap birthday present.

Despite these concerns, Legolas still couldn’t help but be curious as to what underwear Kalina was wearing as the first of her garments fluttered to the floor. While he wasn’t on the dispensing end of things, he’d never seen Kalina behave so compliantly. This could be a whole new arousing aural experience. The thoughts tantalized him, unconsciously causing him to squirm with excitement in his hiding place.

“Oh, Uncle Glorfy, what ARE you going to do to me with that courgette?”

Suddenly a sensation of creeping horror swept over the concealed elf. ‘GLORFINDEL?! SHE’S FUCKING GLORFINDEL?!?’ screamed his brain. Along with the mild terror over Glorfindel’s age and status within Elrond’s home came the fact that he was, well… some kind of elvish sex god by most accounts, thousands of years older than Legolas, probably vastly more perverted (in fact this was currently being confirmed as Glorfindel threatened to use an aubergine next time and was doing Eru knows what to Kalina with the vegetable and whatever it was she was clearly loving it), and was all round just far more interesting and exciting than Legolas felt he could ever compare to.

‘How the fuck am I going to live up to THAT??!’ Legolas glanced up briefly at the juddering bed frame, which merely added the fear of deat col collapsing furniture to the ever-growing neuroses his mind was throwing at him. He subconsciously began curling up in the foetal position, staring at a fixed point towards the bottom of the door trying to blot out the events surrounding him, occasionally flinching and twitching during a few choice depraved phrases.

There the stricken elf remained for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably closer to two and a half hours or so in reality. Things finally wound down and after a while Glorfindel quietly dressed and departed, Kalina clearly having fallen into an exhausted slumber. As soon as feasibly possible, Legolas crawled out from under the bed and fled as quietly and quickly as physically possible.

“Haldir… must find Haldir!” gasped Legolas to nobody in particular, running down the hall to the elf’s room and throwing open the door to find his chamber empty. “FUCK! Where is he when I need to whinge at him?” Legolas desperately needed someone to vent at to unburden himself of the horror he had just witnessed. He really didn’t want to be alone with those hideous thoughts burning themselves permanently into his memory. Inane distraction was what he needed. And since Haldir wasn’t around that left Aragorn…

Without bothering to close Haldir’s door, Legolas hurried to the human’s room and barged in.

“FUCK! ATTACK!” yelled Aragorn, waking up and diving off the side of the bed, grabbing his sword and peering up to see who the enemy was. Discovering it to be a somewhat pale and shaky Legolas he dropped the weapon and stood up. “What the fuck are you doing here?” demanded the human, getting back into bed.

“Move over,” ordered Legolas, climbing in.

“What’s wrong with you?” demanded Aragorn, slightly suspicious. Legolas was usually a little more straightforward and less paranoid when he took advantage of Aragorn.

“Have you got any drugs? Or really strong alcohol?” pleaded the elf.

“Er… yes, here,” replied Aragorn, concerned over the amount of simpering Legolas was doing. He was clearly spending too much time around Haldir. He passed his pouch of leaf and a long-stemmed pipe to the elf, then supplied him with some matches. “Now could you please explain why you’re here. Has that Celebelen bitch come back?”

“AH! NO! Don’t mention her!” shuddered Legolas, his fragile psyche plagued with enough horrors for one evening.

“Then what? You’re starting to do my head in. You only turn up here for either sex, drugs, or drugs to use on people to get sex, or to find Kalina if she’s hiding here from her atrocity of the week,” muttered Aragorn.

“I was stuck in Kalina’s room. I went to get my pipe,” explained Legolas, pulling said pipe out of his shirt and laying it on the bedside table with one hand while taking a hit out of the pipe with the other. He continued. “Anyway I didn’t know if Kalina was still pissed off with her so I broke into her room since she’d locked the door and then she came back.”

“And tried to castrate you?” supplied Aragorn, used to these regular occurrences. Legolas shook his head. “You’re keeping me in suspense and therefore awake when I could be asleep and dreaming and in a nice place instead of stuck in a bed with a paranoid elf,” mumbled Aragorn pointedly.

“Look. She had Glorfindel with her. I hid under the bed. They did… things! Terrible, terrible things!” Legolas waved his arms at Aragorn who took this opportunity to steal back more of the covers.

“How terrible?” asked Aragorn, suspiciously. Legolas was pretty damned twisted and depraved and it would take a lot to disturb him. At the same time though, Aragorn had grown up in Rivendell and had known Kalina for far longer than Legolas and had come to accept the fact that she was probably going to spend a lot of her spare time getting up to no good. It was just his damned useless luck to be engaged to the one member of this dysfunctional elvish bloodline who seemed pretty intent on sticking to her ideals of chastity.

“A courgette was involved. She called him Uncle Glorfy on one than more occasion. He threatened her with an aubergine.” Legolas shuddered, remembering all too clearly Kalina’s rather piercing shrieks of ecstasy.

“Yeah, that sounds like Glorfindel,” said Aragorn, lying back and smiling slightly, recounting his own sordid little drunken encounter a few years back with the well-hung elf. Legolas looked over at the human, then turned somewhat nauseous.

“YOU TOO?!”

“What? It’s not like you’d turn him down if you got half the chance,” snorted Aragorn indignantly. That remark didn’t help the elf’s confidence.

“Glaurung’s rash-covered scrotum, THANK YOU FOR THAT. Great. Glorfindel is not only lots more older than me, vastly more attractive…”

“Better endowed too,” interjected Aragorn.

“…Kalina’s sleeping with him, she’ll probably never look twice at me again, and she’s letting HIM be in control and acting like females normally behave around me, AND I’M NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH FOR HIM TO HAVE NOTICED ME!!!” wailed Legolas, grabbing the human and shaking him.

“Awww… the poor little elf prince is being all neglected by his mistress,” taunted Aragorn, wishing the elf would shut up and let him go back to sleep.

“We haven’t had sex in two days!!” moaned Legolas. Aragorn rolled his eyes.

“Look. She’s clearly been distracted by some perverse hormonal urge to have frvegevegetable produce stuffed in a variety of orifices by someone who has been referred to in one historic account as the ultimate Noldor Sex Toy.” Once more Aragorn’s attempt at consoling the elf fell short. At the mention of the word ‘ultimate’ Legolas had starting wailing again. “Will you SHUT UP!?” snapped Aragorn, grabbing a pillow and trying to smother the elf with it until he shut up.

“Stop going on about how mighty Glorfindel is!! I’m feeling wretched enough as it is,” protested Legolas, his voice still muffled by the pillow. Frustrated, Aragorn pulled back the pillow and glared at the elf.

“LOOK! Kalina is by nature domineering. She’s probably just enjoying a change of pace and getting her twisted kicks from acting like an innocent little maiden in order to get an attractive older guy into bed. She’ll get bored of being told what to do and somehow I can’t see Glorfindel turning into her new gimp anytime soon. She’ll suddenly realise that she’s been neglecting you and will probably even indulge you in a night of letting YOU call the shots,” said Aragorn, resorting to sensible logic in a desperate bid to get Legolas to calm down and leave him in peace.

“Yes, but in the back of her mind she’ll be comparing ME to HIM!”

“Oh will you just get over yourself! NOBODY expects you to compete with ages-old Noldor warriors when you’ve just been born this age. And anyway Kalina will probably be willing to impart new and creative depravity on you. Try thinking of it as some kind of workshop she’s attending.”

“No! Don’t wanna. Don’t wanna share with anyone prettier than me,” Legolas crossed his arms and stared up at the ceiling sulkily.

“Well, you’re useless. I’m going to sleep. You’re welcome to take advantage of me if you think it may boost your ego and shut you up, but unless it’s essential I’m going back to sleep,” said Aragorn indifferently.

“Can I stay here?” asked Legolas, still looking petulant.

“YES, you can stay here if it heals your fragile little immortal self,” mumbled Aragorn sarcastically as he hunkered down under the covers and turned on his side facing away from the paranoid elf.