Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,045
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,045
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Overly-keen Dark Lord
Chapter 29
"Right. I've got the bath running and- agh! Get off me! You're filthy!!" As soon as Kalina had evicted Sauron for the night she had barricaded the door with one of the armchairs and ran to the bathroom shedding garments, throwing herself at Legolas.
"That's the point! You're filthy! You have no idea how hot you are when you're covered in dirt and blood!" Adrenalin levels still soaring, Kalina began to rip off Legolas's clothes, unable to get him naked quick enough.
"But- eeew!!" Legolas tried to avoid Kalina's mud smeared face as she attempted to kiss him. She glowered at him and pinned him down.
"Listen. You will take me here, right now, and only when I'm done with you will you be allowed to bathe. You have no choice in this matter." Once again there was no contesting that voice, even though the concept of being attractive in this state was utterly bewildering. Ladies flocked to him because of his delicate features and pretty hair, not because he looked like some kind of a vagrant. Then again, Kalina wasn't exactly a lady. And she was also naked and sitting on top of him breathing heavily. This was not an opportunity to be wasted.
Sometime just before dawn (although somewhat irrelevant in orc caves), Legolas and Kalina managed to crawl into bed and fall into a deep exhausted sleep. At one point Legolas had to keep Kalina at arms distance to get into the bath and finally rid himself of grime. This seemed to finally deter Kalina from further trying to have sex with him. Then she joined him in the tub, resulting in yet more sex, this time instigated by him after having had time to reflect on the fact that he was currently getting quantities of wild sex he had only dreamed of with a stunning psychotic nymphomaniac right under the nose of her suddenly-acquired fiancé. This was the sort of thing legends were made of. At least in the porn industry, which was surprisingly bigger than most people on Middle Earth realized. Before he was fully conscious of it, they were at it again.
After what felt like only about three hours of sleep, Kalina was stirred by the sound of a door opening. In one fluid movement she grabbed a blanket, rolled Legolas into it and shoved him off the bed only seconds before Sauron entered the room, smiling and bearing a tray of breakfast. The heap on the floor that was Legolas groaned vaguely, opened its eyes and focused on Sauron's boots and instantly understood the need for compliance with this brutality.
"Good morning, beloved!" chirped Sauron. The emergency over, sleep overtook Kalina and she blinked at him, wearily.
"Too early," grumbled Kalina.
"But you've been asleep for ages! I've missed you," said Sauron, setting down the tray and stepping on Legolas to sit on the bed next to Kalina.
"Strange room. Had trouble sleeping. Give me five more hours," Kalina uttered, flopping back onto her pillow and pulling the covers over her head. Sauron looked crestfallen.
"But I made you breakfast! And I was hoping we could spend some time together alone," whined Sauron.
"Too early," reiterated Kalina. Sauron looked genuinely upset.
"That's fine... I guess. I mean I only wanted to spend time with you because you mean so much to me... but if you need sleep..."
Kalina sighed and sat up. "Look. I need sleep in order to pay attention to you and truly appreciate all the loving things you do for me. After all, how am I going to get to know my husband-to-be if I'm not awake? Anyway you can come get me in five hours and you'll have me all to yourself," she purred, reaching out and running a finger down Sauron's chest.
"Why's he in here?" he demanded, prodding Legolas with his boot.
"Elven custom. We like our servants close at hand. I'm Elrond's daughter. I'm used to constant attention. I'm not going to bother with the hassle of having to get up at three in the morning to get a glass of water when all I need to do is throw something at him and order him to do it. Do you want me inconvenienced?"
"No, of course not," said Sauron quickly. "You're far too precious for bothering with trivial things." He gazed admiringly at Kalina, took her hand and kissed it before departing.
"Can I get back in now?" asked Legolas, still huddled on the floor partially conscious at best.
"Go sleep on the couch. I'm not having any more panicked interruptions. I might be too tired to lie," explained Kalina in the croaking tones of the terminally sleep deprived.
"Meh. Bitch."
"Watch it slut. I'm not too exhausted to kick your ass," warned Kalina without any serious venom as she adjusted a pillow. Legolas grabbed his blanket, helped himself to a clean shirt and a pair of leggings in the bewilderingly well-stocked wardrobe and pulled them on before slinking out towards the couch.
"Right. I've got the bath running and- agh! Get off me! You're filthy!!" As soon as Kalina had evicted Sauron for the night she had barricaded the door with one of the armchairs and ran to the bathroom shedding garments, throwing herself at Legolas.
"That's the point! You're filthy! You have no idea how hot you are when you're covered in dirt and blood!" Adrenalin levels still soaring, Kalina began to rip off Legolas's clothes, unable to get him naked quick enough.
"But- eeew!!" Legolas tried to avoid Kalina's mud smeared face as she attempted to kiss him. She glowered at him and pinned him down.
"Listen. You will take me here, right now, and only when I'm done with you will you be allowed to bathe. You have no choice in this matter." Once again there was no contesting that voice, even though the concept of being attractive in this state was utterly bewildering. Ladies flocked to him because of his delicate features and pretty hair, not because he looked like some kind of a vagrant. Then again, Kalina wasn't exactly a lady. And she was also naked and sitting on top of him breathing heavily. This was not an opportunity to be wasted.
Sometime just before dawn (although somewhat irrelevant in orc caves), Legolas and Kalina managed to crawl into bed and fall into a deep exhausted sleep. At one point Legolas had to keep Kalina at arms distance to get into the bath and finally rid himself of grime. This seemed to finally deter Kalina from further trying to have sex with him. Then she joined him in the tub, resulting in yet more sex, this time instigated by him after having had time to reflect on the fact that he was currently getting quantities of wild sex he had only dreamed of with a stunning psychotic nymphomaniac right under the nose of her suddenly-acquired fiancé. This was the sort of thing legends were made of. At least in the porn industry, which was surprisingly bigger than most people on Middle Earth realized. Before he was fully conscious of it, they were at it again.
After what felt like only about three hours of sleep, Kalina was stirred by the sound of a door opening. In one fluid movement she grabbed a blanket, rolled Legolas into it and shoved him off the bed only seconds before Sauron entered the room, smiling and bearing a tray of breakfast. The heap on the floor that was Legolas groaned vaguely, opened its eyes and focused on Sauron's boots and instantly understood the need for compliance with this brutality.
"Good morning, beloved!" chirped Sauron. The emergency over, sleep overtook Kalina and she blinked at him, wearily.
"Too early," grumbled Kalina.
"But you've been asleep for ages! I've missed you," said Sauron, setting down the tray and stepping on Legolas to sit on the bed next to Kalina.
"Strange room. Had trouble sleeping. Give me five more hours," Kalina uttered, flopping back onto her pillow and pulling the covers over her head. Sauron looked crestfallen.
"But I made you breakfast! And I was hoping we could spend some time together alone," whined Sauron.
"Too early," reiterated Kalina. Sauron looked genuinely upset.
"That's fine... I guess. I mean I only wanted to spend time with you because you mean so much to me... but if you need sleep..."
Kalina sighed and sat up. "Look. I need sleep in order to pay attention to you and truly appreciate all the loving things you do for me. After all, how am I going to get to know my husband-to-be if I'm not awake? Anyway you can come get me in five hours and you'll have me all to yourself," she purred, reaching out and running a finger down Sauron's chest.
"Why's he in here?" he demanded, prodding Legolas with his boot.
"Elven custom. We like our servants close at hand. I'm Elrond's daughter. I'm used to constant attention. I'm not going to bother with the hassle of having to get up at three in the morning to get a glass of water when all I need to do is throw something at him and order him to do it. Do you want me inconvenienced?"
"No, of course not," said Sauron quickly. "You're far too precious for bothering with trivial things." He gazed admiringly at Kalina, took her hand and kissed it before departing.
"Can I get back in now?" asked Legolas, still huddled on the floor partially conscious at best.
"Go sleep on the couch. I'm not having any more panicked interruptions. I might be too tired to lie," explained Kalina in the croaking tones of the terminally sleep deprived.
"Meh. Bitch."
"Watch it slut. I'm not too exhausted to kick your ass," warned Kalina without any serious venom as she adjusted a pillow. Legolas grabbed his blanket, helped himself to a clean shirt and a pair of leggings in the bewilderingly well-stocked wardrobe and pulled them on before slinking out towards the couch.