The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 27: Stash Depletion


Sitting on the veranda, Elrond pored over the map and documents Osama bin Laden had handed him. Sitting beside him were his sons, Kalina, and Glorfindel, occasionally voicing their opinions in Sindarin.

Elrond was certain that there was something really not right with the brains of either man. What the fuck was this ‘crude ononsnonsense that they seemed to want so bad? And if they wanted it so bad, why should he give it to them?

“We do not desire all your land, just areas of it where we can drill,” said bin Laden in reassuring tones.

“WHAT?” hissed Saddam, then gasping in pain as bin Laden booted him solidly in the shin under the table.

“Uh-huh. Well, that’s all very intriguing, but sorry, not interested,” said Elrond, sitting back and pushing the documents he had been perusing away from him in a symbolic gesture of the finality of his words.

“I see,” replied Osama, not a flicker of emotion changing on his face but a certain distinct callous tone resounded from those two words he uttered. “That is indeed a shame.”

“Yes, well, I’m sure you can find this resource elsewhere. This is my home. The last thing I need is a bunch of humans industrializing my land. It’ll just be this big shining beacon for all sorts of people to decide to randomly descend upon me and I just really don’t want to deal with that,” explained Elrond. “We’ve just had another incident involving a nasty little human female from some place or another… I don’t know… did you catch it dear?” asked Elrond of Kalina. She shrugged indifferently.

“Fucked if I know. Earth. Amer-something or another,” replied his daughter, mildly bored by the proceedings she hadn’t really wanted to attend but couldn’t wriggle out of.

“America?!” demanded Saddam suddenly.

“Yep. That’s the one,” said Kalina, pulling out a nail file and beginning to sharpen her nails. Elrond casually grabbed the manicure implement out of Kalina’s hand and pocketed it with a warning glance. She sighed and rolled her eyes. After a rather hasty trek back home, Elrond had summoned this meeting on short notice, not giving his children time to even change out of their travelling clothes.

This also meant that Legolas, Aragorn, and Haldir were probably smoking her drugs right now, which didn’t do much to improve her mood.

“You mean you too have been invaded by American infidels?” inquired Osama politely as Saddam began to mutter vitriolic curses under his breath.

“I wouldn’t call it an invasion… they just turn up for whatever reason. I don’t exactly understand it myself, but every so often something happens and irritating little wenches turn up for a few weeks, make my life miserable. I never seem to remember that bit until it’s too late. My fault for being an optimist I suppose,” rambled Elrond. Kalina groaned internally. Whatever he was on now had made him talkative and was the cause of prolonging this situation. “So you’re from that world too?” asked Elrond, taking a more serious turn from his casual explanations.

“They are an evil imperialist nation who seek to impose their will over the world,” said Osama.

“So would this resource by any chance aid you in your own battles?” inquired Glorfindel shrewdly.

“No, no. We are far from home and are merely looking to establish our own stability here until such a time that we can return, Allah willing,” replied Osama.

“Er… yeah! We figured, hey! We’re in a new place! Let’s start again with a clean slate, drill some oil, get rich and live here!” added Saddam. “You know the drill. Get me a new palace, a suitable harem, maybe even a nice obedient local wife.” He smirked at Kalina. Again without turning to look at his daughter, Elrond moved his arm and grabbed hold of Kalina’s wrist as her hand started to move towards her boot-concealed dagger.

“Al-si, mell,”* he warned.

“Urug melethron,”* muttered Kalina under her breath.

“Look. I have no interest in having you build ghastly machines on my land which may lead to me inadvertently fuelling a war. We’ve got enough to deal with here, if it’s all the same to you. I’m sure you can find somewhere else to find this oil and settle dond bnd build yourselves a new state. Eru knows, we could do with more of these wild lands being civilized. Anyway, the point is that you’re welcome to stay here a day or so until you can move on.”

“Man? Sí?”* hissed Kalina. Saddam muttered something under his breath about ‘being worse than the fucking Swiss’ which went unnoticed by all except Osama.

“I’m sure you won’t have any difficulty avoiding them. You seem to manage it adequately enough whenever I need you to give me a hand with paperwork,” retorted Elrond.

“Kind of like you disappearing into some remote secret part of the gardens when you’re trying to avoid constructive work?” suggested Glorfindel.

“Working in my garden is extremely constructive, I’ll have you know,” retorted Elrond. A knowing snicker escaped his children. “Right. You two. Go house these guests of ours,” Elrond ordered the twins, a touch chagrined with his offspring.

“Are you sure I can’t kill just one of them? They’re both pissing me off,” pleaded Kalina.

“Theoretically they should be gone in a couple of days. That’ll save on having to hide the bodies and risking my carefully crafted public image as a benevolent sage. If they’re still here in three days and still pissing you off, then it’s fair game. But no blood on the tapestries! It takes forever to scrub that out and some of those things are ancient and frayed as it is.” With that, Elrond got up and headed to his study to barricade himself under a stack of books and possibly get in touch with Gandalf. Suspicious things were clearly afoot. The presence of orcs so close to Imladris and the arrival of the two mad humans on their quest for oil did not bode well to Elrond’s mind.

“Any chance you can have another flashback and skewer the moustached twat in the chest with that big spear of yours?” asked Kalina of Glorfindel as the two of them began walking back to their respective rooms.

“Depends on how much opium I can scam out of your father and if you can find me another blonde whore,” said Glorfindel with a shrug.

“You could fake it?” suggested Kalina.

“But that’s no fun,” protested Glorfindel. “Okay, so maybe it’s not in the best form to run around mostly naked trying to kill some stupid whore, but… well, you know how it gets with bloodlust and when the fire in your blood streaks into your mind and the veil of crimson seeps over your vision…”

“Yes, yes, if you start on about Gondolin I’ll kick you,” sighed Kalina. She was really not in the mood for a rambling recount of epic history at the moment.

Glorfindel laughed indulgently, never failing to derive amusement from the young elf’s cynicism and aggression. “I think it’s just you and your father who have the nerve to tell me to shut up.”

“Fuck knows you need it,” said Kalina, reaching her door. In the hallway lingered the sweet scent of Shire weed. “Bastards,” she muttered, turning from Glorfindel and throwing open the door to her room to find Legolas and Aragorn passed out on her bed and Haldir sitting on the floor cramming large amounts of Kalina’s diminished stash into her favourite
pipe.

“Kalina! I knew you’d be back soon and I… er… had this ready for you!!!” lied Haldir, quickly proffering Kalina her pipe and trying to disguise the extent of indulgence the three of them had undertaken since returning.

“Out. ALL OF YOU. NOW!” barked Kalina, snatching her pipe off of Haldir. She turned, picked up a book from her cluttered dressing table and hurled it at the dozing pair occupying her bed.

“OW! What the fuck was that for?” protested Aragorn, the bulk of the dense volume landing on his head and the elf’s shoulder.

“Do I need a reason? Other than you fuckers smoking all my drugs! NOW GO!!!” Kalina commanded. Muttering, stoned, and tired, Aragorn and Legolas got up as Haldir began slinkiowarowards the door. Kalina grabbed his collar and wrenched him backwards. “Empty your pockets now.”

“Excuse me? I? Treated like a common thief?!” protested the elf, trying very hard to avoid looking Kalina in the eye.

“Then prove me wrong and I’ll apologise,” said Kalina, pushing Haldir back up against a wall and starting to pat down his clothes. A witty remark died on the tip of Haldir’s tongue as Kalina succeeded in locating a secret pocket which clearly had something in it. She backed off and opened her hand expectantly. Grumbling, Haldir reached in and produced some more of Kalina’s stash.

“Are you sure you don’t want to investigate more throroughly?” offered Haldir.

“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP,” hissed Legolas. “She’s got these studded gauntlets…” he began. Wanting peace, Kalina reached and grabbed hold of Legolas by the scruff of the neck and dragged both he and Haldir to the door and shoved them out bodily.

“So… want to help me reclaim the rest of Kalina’s stash?” offered Haldir. To the keen observer it was evident he was walking oddly and trying very hard to disguise this fact.

“Erm… I’ll take a rain check,” replied Legolas as Kalina’s door opened again and Aragorn was shoved out, stumbling into the pair.

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* Not now, dear.
* Orc lover.
* What? Here?!