The Music in My Heart

Title: The Music in My Heart, Chapter 26
Author: Sorsha
Fandom/Pairing: Elrond/OFC, Glorfindel/Haldir, Elladan/OFC, Elrohir/Legolas, others implied
Rating:.NC-17 for future chapters
Warning: AU (Story set 770 years after ROTK); Slash and het.
Feedback: This is my first fanfic, so constructive feedback appreciated.
Archive:
Acknowledgements: Many thanks to Alex Cat for her help in betaing this fic. Thanks also to Lady Victoria for her comments and support.
Disclaimer: Any of the residents of Middle-earth and Aman that you recognize belong to Prof. Tolkien’s estate. The same is true about Middle-earth and Aman. I’m only visiting and admiring the “views”.
Summary: Sauron may be gone, but his legacy of evil still lingers. As Middle-earth faces the threat of another dark lord, a party of elves departs Aman on a mission for the Valar, a mission of mercy long delayed.

Chapter 26--- Forgiveness

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend”
William Blake

*****

Erestor found Elrond sitting on his balcony reading the reports Elladan had prepared, analyzing the true state of Imladris’ defenses now that Ermehtar was no longer able to falsify reports and cover his treason. Elladan and Glorfindel had already taken steps to correct most of the weaknesses while Elrond had been in the Healing House. The others were going to take longer, but counter measures had been put in place to shore up the defenses in those areas until this could be done.

Pausing to run a critical eye over his friend, Erestor was pleased to see his pallor had faded and the slightly darker skin tone, normal to the Peredhel, had returned signaling his recovery. /Old friend, you had me worried those three days you did not wake. I truly feared losing both you and Seere. I am thankful to have you both returned to us./

“Do I pass muster, Chief Counselor?”

Startled from his musing, Erestor moved forward to take a seat near Elrond, a grin lighting his face. “Tis nice to see you still do not miss much if anything, meldir.” (friend)

“I find it hard to miss a full grown Noldor lurking in my doorway sighing loudly. Relax Erestor, both Seere and I will recover.” Elrond smiled over at his friend as he poured him a glass of lemon water. Handing him the glass, he asked, “What troubles you, mellon nin?” (my friend)

“I have been wondering at the real cause of Seere’s distress this morning. Her upset was from far more than her grief over Roitar and Ermehtar. I know her.” Taking a sip of water, he met Elrond’s gaze and continued. “And I know you. I think you know what is troubling her. Do you plan to tell me?”

Elrond had been expecting this visit. He had considered his options all day, but still did not know how best to proceed. His friend had already suffered more than any person should and he was loathe to add to it by telling him his daughter had almost been raped by someone her father had trusted to protect her, had even seen as an acceptable suitor. He also knew Seere might not be ready for her father to know, but recent events had taken that privilege away from her. The only question was would she prefer to tell Erestor herself or would it be better for both for him to do it?

Realizing he had been lost in his thoughts for too long to avoid answering his friend, he made his choice. Erestor now clearly knew he was privy to information concerning his daughter and he had the right to be told. Sighing, he began. “I have been debating how best to apprise you of this, whether it was better for Seere to tell you… best for both of you that is… or if my telling you would make this painful news easier for you to hear… spare her the telling. By my rambling on so, I guess it is obvious I have come to no firm conclusion other than it seems the duty has now fallen to me.”

Picking up his own glass of water to take a sip, he considered his next words with care. “Last night, Seere became quite agitated and her frantic words began to take on significance. Rather than try to quiet her, I decided to listen and see if there were any clues in what she was saying to explain her condition, perhaps something her unconscious mind might reveal. I had noted when I woke her in the cave the night of the storm that something was upsetting, even frightening her by the look in her eyes when she first woke and I thought there may be a connection.”

“As I listened last night, she kept apologizing to Roitar and talking to Ermehtar. It took a long while before I realized what she was talking about and the reasons for her condition became clear --- fear, shame, and tremendous guilt.” Elrond saw the shock building on his friend’s face and hated the fact it would only get worse.

“Why would she feel any of those things? You must have misunderstood Elrond. This does not make sense,” Erestor asserted, even as he felt his heart clinch in dread.

“I wish I had. After you left this morning, I could read Seere’s thoughts as she was upset and not able to block them; she was asking herself if she had heard me right when I spoke to her in the night. I told her she had no reason to feel guilt or shame and that I knew. This morning I confirmed she had heard me right.”

“This also verified to me that she had been aware enough to hear me speak to her last night and process what I had said. I suspect her mind kept her unconscious to both protect her from having to face what happened and thus her sense of guilt, but also to punish her for she feels responsible for what happened last week,” the healer observed.

Reaching over, he put his hand over Erestor’s. “This will be difficult for you to hear, mellon nin. Are you ready to hear this from me or would you prefer to hear it from her?” (my friend)

Erestor sat stunned looking at his friend’s hand covering his. /Something bad happened to Seere and I did not know. It must be bad or Elrond would not hesitate so./

Struggling to order his thoughts, Erestor considered his choices. /Would it be better for Seere for Elrond to tell me and spare her the telling? If it is bad, this will give me time to compose myself before I talk to her. Aye, that would be best./

Taking a deep breath, he asked, “Would you please tell me? If it is as bad as I fear, I will need to compose myself before I talk to my daughter. She will need my support not my blind emotions.”

“Very well. I think you may be right in this. She still will need to tell you herself so this wound can finally heal, but I will tell you all I know. She told me much of it before you returned.” Sighing, the elf lord ran his hand through his unbraided hair. “We will need to assure her that hindsight is always perfect, but that she made her choices without the benefit of information she now has and she made them for valid reasons. She needs to know we do not hold what happened against her.”

A knock at this outer door interrupted his response. Both looked up to see Celeborn entering the sitting room. In a low voice, Elrond asked, “Would you prefer for Celeborn to hear this now or later?”

“Now. He has been like a second father to Seere and should know.” Calling out, Erestor invited their friend to join them. “Celeborn, please join us. Elrond has discovered the cause of Seere’s extreme upset over Ermehtar’s actions and Roitar’s death. Of course, the latter is hardly surprising. He was always very fond of her and had become very protective of her in recent…”

Shocked by a sudden realization, he looked at Elrond. “This has something to do with it does it not? Roitar had become very protective of Seere in recent years. He knew something and was protecting her from it. I am right am I not? Ermehtar?”

Waiting until a grim faced Celeborn was seated, Elrond nodded his head. “Aye, you are right on both counts.”

“Apparently, there was a delegation from Gondor that visited some forty years ago. One night after dinner, while the rest of you were meeting with them, Ermehtar followed her into the small rose garden. He had been drinking heavily and decided to stake his claim on Seere. Luckily, Roitar distrusted Ermehtar’s behavior, whether solely for his behavior that night or for more I do not know, and had followed his captain. He managed to stop Ermehtar by knocking him out with his sword hilt. Seere was scared, embarrassed, and ashamed by what had nearly happened. She was also dazed, I think, from a blow to her head where she hit a tree root.” Elrond stated the facts as clearly as he could without much elaboration.

Seeing Erestor’s building fury, he quickly added, “He did not succeed in forcing her as was clearly his intent. I would guess from his attitude when I questioned him after the murders, his plan was to force her to accept him as her lover; then she would have no choice but to marry him. How he expected to get away with it… In any case, Roitar’s vigilance prevented the attack from going that far.”

“Why were we not told? Elladan would have had him exiled from Imladris and I would have banned him from Lorien. The Havens would have refused his entry… Seere is Cirdan’s descendent after all. I have no doubt he would have been banned likewise from Mirkwood once Legolas discovered his deeds. He would have been an outcast in the elven world,” Celeborn raged. “He would have found no official welcome in either Gondor or Rohan as both monarchs are fond of Seere.”

Studying Erestor’s blazing eyes, Elrond answered. “If I understood her correctly, Roitar helped her back to her room and honored her request to say nothing until she was ready. She was dazed, as I said, and confused that someone she thought of as a brother would do such a thing to her. So Roitar honored her request to say nothing and chose to let her recover her dignity. I think. I would assume he expected her to tell you the next day or later that night. In any case, Ermehtar came to her early the next day before Roitar could again talk to her and apologized. He begged her to say nothing and promised to stay away from her.”

“This was an elf she had known all her life, one she had thought to be a good and honorable warrior. He had been uncharacteristically drunk when it happened, and he came to her with an apology and a promise it would never happen again. He even promised to stay away from her in the future.” Sighing, he looked into his friend’s stormy eyes and added, “When you take all that into account, along with the shame and fear she must have been feeling…. tis not surprising she decided to accept his apology and give him another chance. She wanted it to be a drunken mistake he regretted. Now she is racked with guilt for not telling you both. She now admits to herself that his behavior was never right again in a number of ways. Think of it my friends… Ermehtar had been her friend and she wanted him not to be a monster.”

“You keep saying she was ashamed? Why? I know my daughter and I know she did nothing of which she need be ashamed!” Erestor demanded.

“As a healer, I have treated many victims of assault and rape over the years. They all felt ashamed of what had been done to them by their attacker. Even when the assault stopped short of rape as it did in this case, they feel dirty, soiled if you will, by the attack. They feel damaged and no longer clean. Many feel a compulsion to bathe repeatedly to try to wash the attacker off their person. In some cases, that was how it was discovered what happened to them… their skin became raw and red from being scrubbed too many times. They claw at their skin seeing it as dirty. The wound to their fëa is great.” Elrond saw recognition dawning in their eyes and knew without being told they had seen this behavior in Seere.

“There is also that fact that an unmarried maiden of her social class is supposed to remain pure until she is betrothed, married. An elleth like Seere, the protected unwed daughter of a noble family, would feel this sense of being unclean more keenly than most… like she is no longer as pure as she once was… or as she is supposed to be.” Elrond offered. “And in Seere’s case, she was already singled out --- she was the only noble-born elleth in Imladris at a time only a very few elleths lived here… also, she was a seer of uncommon ability, a skilled herbalist, and your assistant.”

Elrond hesitated before offering a final observation. Erestor saw this and motioned for him to continue. “This may be hard for you to hear, mellon nin, but your daughter also seeks to protect you from further hurt and pain. She would willing die to protect you for she loves you greatly.” Meeting Erestor’s eyes, he concluded “She mentioned… almost in passing, some threat Ermehtar made during the attack… one aimed at both of you. She may not realize this, but she was seeking to protect her family, her Ada, by keeping silent.” (my friend)

Erestor felt the tears begin to slip down his face as he listened to Elrond’s explanation of what his daughter had been feeling in the aftermath of the attack. His first reaction had been to go the dungeons and take his frustrations out on the cause of her pain. As Elrond’s words began to settle about him, his rage slipped to the back of his mind and grief for his daughter’s torment took hold.

“What did he do to her? All of it, please.”

“He did not rape her Erestor… though he would have had Roitar not intervened. For the most part he scared her. He kissed her, roughly I would assume, as she said her lip was torn…. he struck her across the face when she tried to escape him, and he threw her to the ground where she struck her head. He was tearing her clothes from her… groping her no doubt in the process, when Roitar arrived. That was as far as he got. She told me the truth in this as her aura was very visible to me given her emotional state this morning; it did not change color.”

Celeborn had been listening to Elrond’s comments. “You say this occurred around forty years ago? I wish I had known the signs you described then. She told me it was a reaction to certain herbs that caused her arms to be raw and abraded. I should have noticed she would never allow Ermehtar to sit or stand near her and would leave a room if there was any danger of being left alone with him.”

Erestor’s broken voice tore at his friends. “I saw how he watched her, I even teased her that he admired her and was looking for encouragement. How that must have hurt her to have her own father suggest she encourage her would-be rapist.”

Celeborn rose to move to Erestor’s side. Kneeling, he took his friend’s hand and offered, “Do not feel guilty for what you did not know, mellon nin. We all thought Ermehtar was a good and honorable elf. We both speculated whether or not one of the twins or Ermehtar might take an interest in Seere, for she is quite beautiful and very special.” (my friend)

“Aye, that she is, mellon nin. She is also brave and strong, for she has not let this event destroy her. She has devoted herself to being a loving daughter and friend, accepted the burden of being a seer so that she might help overcome this latest threat to our safety. She has worked tirelessly in the Healing House when needed, and she has served her people in many other ways. Rather than hide in her rooms afraid of her attacker… if not all males, she has continued to improve her skills as a warrior and sat at the same table as he did, an advisor in her own right.” So intent was he in supporting his friend, Elrond missed the slight smile that appeared briefly on Celeborn’s face at his obvious admiration for the elleth in question. (my friend)

“Now, mellon nin, she needs to be reassured she is not to blame for what happened last week. She made the decision she did forty years ago for so many reasons. Foresight does not mean perfect sight and it sometimes shows us the least about those things directly affecting our own lives… as you both know from mine and Galadriel’s experiences. She thought, at worst, she was risking her own safety. She had no way of knowing the extent of Ermehtar’s corruption. She needs to be told you do not blame her and that you still love her. She will need to be reassured that you do not see her as damaged or unclean because of this. She needs to know we all feel this way,” Elrond urged. (my friend)

“She needs to be able to forgive herself for hoping Ermehtar could once again be the elf the rest of us thought he was. Seere needs to accept that, while she was his victim that night, she refused to remain one and behaved with great bravery. She is no more to blame for Ermehtar’s treason than the rest of us. We all need to forgive ourselves and begin to put this behind us,” he concluded. “There is much work for us to do and we can not let him distract us from it. We give him the victory over us if we do.”

*****