The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 25: A Brief Encounter with Orcs


Legolas was about as far from happy as could be. He glowered into the damp mist rising after the heavy summer downpour that had left him drenched and his hair starting to curl in the humidity as it slowly dried.

“This is so just your fault for getting into an argument with those two,” muttered Haldir, trudging along next to the elf prince. This proved to be a bad thing to say as Legolas whirled, grabbed Haldir by the throat and pinned him up against a tree.

“I seem to recall YOU contributing to getting us in this predicament,” hissed Legolas, before releasing Haldir. Aragorn and Kalina were up ahead with the twins, this sort of activity familiar to the younger elf and human as a result of being raised in Imladris. They had been heading south for about a day and a half and hadn’t found anything worth killing except for Haldir who had shot out several arrows at a rustling bush and proudly retrieved a rabbit skewered in four different places due to his frantic attack. Needless to say, nobody was particularly impressed with his efforts.

“I thought the object of hunting was to kill food,” muttered Legolas, annoyed at the meagre living they had to endure.

“No, apparently it’s turned into some kind of sick endurance ritual inflicted on us. It’s clearly a twisted practical joke,” said Haldir. He opened his mouth to say something but was silenced by Kalina turning and gesturing. She hurried back down the trail to the two bedraggled blondes, somehow looking less drenched than either of them.

“Aragorn just spotted about a dozen orcs camped out down that slope,” said Kalina quietly, bloodlust already rising. Haldir groaned, slapping his forehead in melodramatic woe and irritation.

“They seen us?” asked Legolas, grabbing an arrow and getting his bow ready. Kalina shook her head as the two of them ignored Haldir’s grumbling and hurried back up the trail to a dense growth of vegetation allowing them sufficient cover to start picking off the orcs from a distance.

“Right goldilocks. You take out those five over there,” whispered Elladan as soon as Legolas was in earshot. He pointed where a cluster of five orcs around a small fire were visible, cooking some kind of unwholesome meat over the open flames.

“Stop tormenting him,” snapped Kalina quietly as Legolas shrugged off the insult and took aim. Almost silently and with rapacious speed the elf loosed his arrows fluidly and five orcs fell dead, not even having time to cry out.

“Not bad,” commented Elrohir, firing and taking out the captain of the small group in the throat.

“Let’s see?” said Haldir. Kalina, who needed a closer range for her crossbow (she wasn’t as comfortable with longbows and their ilk. Despite not being overly well endowed, breasts had an irksome tendency to get in the way of firing a bow with as much efficiency as her male counterparts. Valuing symmetry, she’d opted to get good with the crossbow instead of contending with the more extreme option of a mastectomy to get really fucking good at using a bow and arrow.) was merely observing for now, relishing the artistry in all that bloodshed. Deciding he too deserved some glory, Haldir produced his own bow and tried to push Kalina out of the way to find himself a target.

“Cunt!” snapped Kalina, stumbling roughly into Legolas as he fired another lethal shot to the head of an orc Aragorn had missed. The elf swore then stumbled and fell through the shrubbery and down a good twenty feet before landing roughly on a bush in full view of the orcs.

“Oh dear. Tell me, dear sister, how do you feel about necrophilia?” asked Elrohir as Legolas, bereft of anything worse than a few nasty bruises and scratches pulled himself out of the bush and pulled out two vicious daggers from their sheaths in anticipation of the remaining three orcs that were now running towards him.

“I don’t know. Let’s find out!!” said Kalina, taking this opportunity to kick Haldir’s arse hard and send him over the edge of the ridge, landing head first in the shrubbery down below. “Damn. He’s still alive. And there I was thinking that rigor mortis would be the only way he’d last all night,” muttered Kalina sulkily. “And by the way, I noticed the both of you d had have easily killed those three remaining orcs down there before they reached Legolas,” she added acerbically.

“Yes, but this is more entertaining,” replied Elrohir, watching as Haldir pulled himself out of the bush and found himself faced with a bloodthirsty orc waving a scimitar manically at him. Beside him Legolas had already dispatched one orc with a systematic plunging of both daggers into his eyeballs and had just completed disembowelling the other orc.

“That’s fairly impressive, actually,” conceded Elladan, admiring Legolas’s movements.

“Yeah, he’s quite useful like that,” added Aragorn as Haldir managed to kick his own adversary in the gut, buying him enough time to dredge out his own sword and quickly stab it through the orc’s gut, then placing one foot on the carcass and wrenching it out.

“Haldir, you’re such a fucking useless cunt!” spat Legolas, understandably less than ecstatic about his sudden descent.

“HAH! Kalina just tried to kill me!!! She kicked me down here! YES! I SEE YOU UP THERE!!! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!!” screamed Haldir, looking up and spotting a glimpse of Kalina cackling gleefully and pointing at him through the n. n.

“You are so bloody aggravating. Sometimes I wish Kalina would get her hands on you to torture you half to death,” muttered Legolas, still sulking about the near loss of his dignity and the additional shrubbery in his hair. He began to make haste up the path, ignoring Haldir’s injured muttering as he followed several yards behind the prince.

“That was a nice recovery,” said Elladan generously as Legolas finally made it back to his comrades.

“Well slain… for a pretty little blonde,” agreed Elrohir.

“As far as you’re concerned I’ll take that as a complement,” muttered Legolas.

“It was,” said Kalina, knowing her brothers well enough to recognise the signs that a temporary ceasefire had beenstabstablished.

“So now what?” asked Haldir importantly. Everyone turned to glower at him simultaneously. He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Look. It wasn’t intentional. And if anyone should apologise it should be HER for kicking me off that cliff!” snapped Haldir, pointing at Kalina.

“You deserved it. Now shut up. We should probably tell Ada of this small invasion. They don’t usually get this close to us,” said Elladan, an edge of concern seeping into his words.

“Oh thank fuck,” sighed Haldir happily. He grabbed his things and began to hurry up the trail.

“Yeah… and they looked pretty fucking beefy,” added Kalina. Legolas nodded.

“Don’t you normally just get some overgrown goblins occasionally getting a bit too enthusiastic about how far afield they are and going winding up where they shouldn’t?” asked Legolas. Elrohir nodded.

“Bah, Elrond will sort it out. He fixes everything,” said Aragorn confidently, following Haldir’s lead. Kalina inched over to Legolas and slipped a hand around his waist.

“You’re looking all battered and bloodstained and generally filthy,” she purred. There had to be some sort of pheromone the elf exuded when covered in grime and aftermath of battle that rendered Kalina incapable of keeping her hands off Legolas despite the prince’s obvious discomfort in being dirty. At the same time, holding off on having a bath for a couple of hours since it resulted in even dirtier sex.

“How long till we stop for tonight?” asked Legolas eagerly.

“Four hours. We need to press on,” called back Elladan from up the trail. Legolas groaned. It probably wasn’t a wise idea to linger back in an area where orcs had been recently spottor tor the sole purpose of rampaging post-battle sex. Still it was tempting…

“Arse,” muttered Kalina, also seeing sense in moving on but clearly annoyed at being denied a brief hour of perversity. Reluctantly the two trailed behind the others for another hour or so before Haldir, still ahead and eager to get home came scurrying down.

“I’ve just spotted two outlandish looking humans,” he said excitedly, remembering to keep his voice down.

“Female?” hissed Kalina hopefully, pulling out her dagger and a long sword. Since she couldn’t get laid right now, a dose of close up violence was almost as appealing..

“No. Male. Facial hair. One of them could be a tall swarthy hobbit since he’s pudgy enough but he’s got a moustache. The other looks like some kind of wizard sage type thing,” said Haldir.

“Move,” said Elladan, pushing Haldir rudely out of the way as his brother followed. Curious and with a shrug, Kalina elbowed Haldir for emphasis and hurried to catch up with the twins.