In the Garden

Title: In the Garden, Chapter 25
Author: Sorsha
Fandom/Pairing: Elrond/OFC, others implied
Rating: R
Warning: AU (Story set several hundred years after ROTK in Aman); Het.
Feedback: Constructive feedback appreciated.
Archive: AFF; FF
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Lady Victoria for betaing this fic.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to Prof. Tolkien. A quick check of my bank account should prove I’m not making anything off of writing my stories. Sigh!
Summary: Life in the Blessed Land has not been so blessed for Elrond. Can the happiness that has long eluded him be found in the words of a red-bound journal, the help of his scheming friends, and the granting of a wish that none thought possible?

Chapter 25 --- Crossroads

“What I fail to understand is your continued avoidance of your responsibility in this. As Gildor said when we arrived, you could have protected Min and still helped Meril. You did not have to tell Meril what you knew. All you had to do was support her in her concerns about marrying Haldir. She wanted us to help her and we failed her!” Cúron ranted. “Not only did you cover the wrongs of one child to the detriment of her twin, you placed our son in the position of making decisions he should never have been forced to make.”

Elulos looked up at her furious husband, tears streaming down her cheeks, and fixed him with a wounded look. “You do not understand because you are not listening to me. You have set your mind against me and are making me the monster in this. I could not ruin our daughter; Min would never have married well had I said anything. I had no way of knowing Haldir would act as he did once we arrived here in Aman. It was wisest for me to do as I did. No one knew about Min, no one knew I knew about Haldir’s affair with Celebrian. Once they were married, it would have been behind us. He promised me he would be faithful once they married.”

Stunned, the elf stared at his wife. “You risked our child’s future on the word of an elf that had shown himself without honor… had betrayed her for centuries, along with every other person in his life? Are you mad?”

“He promised me!” she cried. “I could not let Min be ruined by this! She is not the one that cast her lot with Haldir. Meril made a bad choice in the one she accepted, but I saw no reason to let Min suffer for her sister’s mistake.”

“And he promised Meril he would be faithful to her when he asked her to betroth herself to him! Why in Eru’s name would you think a self-serving promise made to you would be honored, when the one he made to Meril was not?” Turning without waiting for an answer, he stormed to the other side of the room. “And, you seem to forget which of your daughters is the innocent one in this mess. Min willing offered herself to her twin’s betrothed, hoping to steal him away from her. Meril was wronged by them both and yet you fail to see this. Min was not an innocent victim and yet you speak of her as if she did nothing wrong.”

“And, she learned a valuable lesson from her behavior! You seem to forget Meril is the one that accepted Haldir. It is her fault…”

Cutting into the conversation before it could go any further astray, Melian gave a weary sigh. “It would seem we can make no further progress at this time. Clearly, Lord Cúron and his two younger children are prepared to take responsibility for their part in the events that have so severely wounded Meril. It is also clear that Lady Elulos is unable to acknowledge her part in this tragedy.”

Moving to stand in front of the elleth, the Maia announced, “Accordingly, I must inform you that Lord Irmo will visit your dreams with memories that will illustrate the wrongs of your actions. This will begin tonight. You will sleep until he has shown you all you need to see, including the memory of your daughter’s fateful conversation with Haldir from several days ago.”

“My lady, I protest! I have done nothing that warrants this! If Meril had done as I told her…” Realizing what she was about to say, Elulos quickly broke off. Hoping to cover her slip, she added, “I have done nothing that warrants this!”

Saelrus had retreated to the far end of the room and was staring out across the garden beyond the room where the Maiar had guided his family. He had long been consumed by guilt for his part in failing his eldest sister. He had come to Lorien suspecting the time had come for this sad business to be brought out in the open. Hearing his mother break off in the middle of a sentence, a sentence that seemed to offer new insight into an aspect of the family drama as yet unexplored, he turned to face her. “Told Meril to do what, Nana?”

“Ion, we will discuss this later…” (son)

“No, we will discuss this now. You told Meril to do what?” he insisted, for once asserting himself against his mother. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed movement as the rest of his family turned to watch.

“Saelrus, I do not…”

“Nay, Los. Answer his question. What did you tell Meril?’ Cúron demanded.

Sending her husband a glare of frustration, she replied, “I told her to confront Haldir if she had doubts. There. Are you satisfied?”

Startled, he walked over to stand above her. “Why did you not tell us this earlier? The main reason for my anger with you was your failure to do just this.”

“Well, we had agreed to stay out of it and I did not want you to be angry that I had disregarded our prior agreement in this matter,” she offered.

Before her father could say more, Minuial interrupted, disbelief coloring her words. “Then why did you tell Meril you knew nothing of his prior conduct… that you wished she had told you she had doubts for you would have counseled her to heed them? I was there when you had this conversation several days after Haldir moved into Celebrian’s house. I remember it well because I knew you were lying. I had not known until then that Meril had attempted to discuss her concerns with you. My own guilt has clawed at me for centuries for allowing you to insist I remain silent, while you were chastising her for not knowing about Celebrian!”

“Chastising her? Los… she had just been devastated and you chastised her?” Gildor cried, clearly shocked by this information. “Your own daughter heard you lie to Meril… heard you deny knowing what she herself had told you. Your failure runs far deeper than we have yet learned, does it not? How long did you know, Los? How long have you been protecting the guilty at your own child’s expense? Why does it seem you wanted Meril to be broken? You have ever made her the one you blamed if something happened that displeased you. You always favored her siblings over her. Why?”

Looking from face to face, Elulos jumped to her feet. “I have only done what I thought was best at the time to protect my family. I have done nothing for which I must defend myself. I have treated all three of my children with same loving care, so your comments are both wrong and insulting! I am returning to our talan now. Meril accepted Haldir and damaged her family by her part in the scandal, not me. I will not be blamed for her bad choices.”

Turning, she found the doorway blocked by her father. “You cannot run away from this Los. Meril is the one who was damaged by all of this. Any embarrassment you suffered is minor and is hardly the same as what she endured, as you should well know. Enough of your lies, enough of your hiding, enough of your refusal to take responsibility for your own actions. Tell us what you said to Meril.”

“Refusal to take responsibility! You who sired children and never bothered to marry their mother… who spent most of his time traveling about Middle-earth, more concerned about Morgoth than those children… that died and left us without a home or claim to anything he had built? You have no right to lecture me on duty and responsibility toward my family! I was there for them! I have only ever sought to keep my family safe from those that would cast slurs at us for your actions!” she screamed.

“That is enough, Los. Ada did the best for us he could under the circumstances. Nana was dead before he knew about us. She played a dangerous game hoping to trap him into marrying her and it worked against her. She has told us both this and has apologized. You forgive her, but not Ada. He was there for us when many would have denied us, including Nana. She was so embarrassed by us that she faded in shame rather than live for her children,” Gildor exclaimed. “Ada made sure we were provided for even at his death, as you well know. He was the leader of the realm he had built and had responsibilities beyond us, but still he seldom traveled until we were past our majority. This you know, as well.”

Grasping his twin by the shoulders, he forced her to face him. “You are not an elfling! It is well past the time you should have put this behind you. It is time you answered for your own conduct! You brought this scandal upon your own family because you worried more about what others might think of YOU rather than you own child’s welfare. What did you tell Meril to do?”

“I told her to bed him and be done with it! I told her to stop acting like a child, worrying that the world was made to make her happy. I reminded her of her duty to her family and I insisted it was time she married the elf she had accepted and stop calling unwanted attention our way! But no, she had doubts! I told her we all have doubts… bed him and form the bond so he could not leave her, and then he would have to marry her! I told her what to do and she did not listen, so do not blame any of this on me!” she shouted back. Realizing what she had admitted, she dropped to her knees in shock.

-----

Elrond sat by Meril’s bed, distressed by the lack of animation in her normally expressive features. “She is not in pain, Elrond.”

Glancing over his shoulder, he smiled in greeting to Taerad. Rising, he accepted the embrace she offered, comforted by the long years of their friendship. “I know this, but… it seems so wrong to see her like this. Her face is normally so… full of life. She lights a room with her spirit.”

Smiling, she cupped Elrond’s face in her hands and stretched up to kiss his check. “She lights up like that when you are near. In your company, she finds herself again. I would say the same for you, meldir.” (friend)

A rueful smile warmed his features as he turned back to study the sleeping elleth. “You are right; I do. We are still coming to know each other, but I feel more alive in her company than I have… since we first founded Imladris. Despite the hardships we endured in those years, I had purpose and… hope. Once I agreed to marry Celebrian, I lost that feeling.”

Stepping to his side, she slid her hand into the crook of his arm and gave it an encouraging squeeze. “I know you did. Lindir and I often lamented the changes that fateful decision wrought on your spirit. It grieved us all the more that you had no choice in the matter. We needed the stability and unity your marriage gave our people.”

“Aye, we did.”

Shaking off the melancholy mood that had descended on them, Taerad moved over to take the chair Elrond had occupied for most of the day. Waving her arm toward the door, she ordered, “Go… take a walk. You need to clear your head and enjoy a little time in the fresh air. The rest of our family will be gathering in an hour or so for the evening meal. Join them and relax for a short time. I will keep watch on our Meril until you return.”

Laughing softly, he noted, “I have not heard you take that tone of voice since Mel was an elfling! I hardly think I fit that description, but I do recognize an order when I hear one. Yes, my lady counsellor, I will do as you bid.” Bowing, he left the room still smiling.

-----

Exiting the healing pavilion by a side door, he walked slowly toward a large boulder perched on the edge of the lake. Using several smaller rocks as steps, he climbed to the top and let his senses drink in the unparalleled beauty of the scene before him. Feeling the tension that had engulfed his spirit for the past few days begin to subside as the natural world reached out to him, he sank down to the cool surface of the stone, suddenly aware just how tired he was.

Their time in the Gardens had helped heal many of the wounds he had long carried, but the largest still remained. The last few days had illustrated how deeply seated was his fear of losing someone he loved. He well understood what a blow her family’s betrayal would be to Meril and he was consumed with fear she would fade from her grief. The facts of the situation --- that they were in the Gardens of Lorien under the care of the Valar, that she was not alone and would have ample support in helping her deal with these disappointments, or that the news of her twin’s actions was something that she had long suspected, had been lost to him in his worry. /I could not bare to lose her!/

“Elrond? May… can we talk?”

Lost in reflection, he had not heard his wife approach. “Celebrian! I did not hear you.”

Rising to his feet, he made to join her beside the lake. Holding her hand up to stop his actions she asked, “I am sorry to have interrupted your meditation. Forgive me… we can talk later.”

Unprepared for the soft tone of her voice… the hesitancy in her manner, Elrond froze for a moment before collecting his scattered thoughts. Jumping down from his perch, he countered, “Nay, I was simply lost in thought. If you would like to talk, now would be agreeable. Would you like to walk beside the lake?’

“That would be welcome. I have not had an opportunity to see much of the gardens… though I expect I will over the coming months,” Celebrian replied.

Tilting his head to study the elleth, the trained healer noted a number of changes to her outward appearance since their last meeting. She appeared to have regained some of the weight she had lost, though her face was still sunken and drawn. She looked nervous and ill-at-ease, a condition he could not recall ever witnessing in all the years they had known each other. Most notable was the haunted expression that dulled the light of her eyes.

“A walk by the lake then.” Extending his arm, he watched in amazement as she hesitated before sliding her hand into the crook. /This is new! I never recall seeing Celebrian hesitate about anything, much less taking advantage of a courtesy she would expect as her due. And… she actually looks unsure of herself and perhaps, guilty. Amazing! I never thought to apply such terms to Celebrian!/

The pair walked in silence for several minutes. “The gardens are lovely are they not?”

“Indeed. I am reminded of the best of Imladris and of Lorien. It is peaceful here,” she murmured, her eyes fixed on the smooth surface of the lake.

Turning his head to watch the subtle play of emotions across her face, Elrond asked, “How fair you, Celebrian? Have you found healing in these gardens?”

A bright red blush stained her cheeks as she glanced up to meet his eyes. Immediately, she looked away, unable to hold gaze. “I am… trying. I feel so overwhelmed and full of regrets… remorse for all the harm I have done. I have no excuse for myself, for I knew what I was doing… but I was not willing to accept how wrong I was.”

Coming to an abrupt halt, Celebrian turned to face her estranged husband. “I lack the words to express my regrets for how badly I betrayed you and our children, Elrond. I do not know what else to say beyond… I am sorry, so very sorry.”

Elrond tilted his head, his gaze fixed on the tears that flowed across the elleth’s ashen cheeks. Slowly, he nodded his head. “It is time for us both to put the past behind us, Celebrian. I believe you are sincere, so I accept your apology. I wish you well as you seek to rebuild your life.”

A choked sob strangled her attempt to speak. After a moment, she composed herself enough to ask in a trembling voice, “I must go on with my life… alone? I am right to assume all hope for our marriage is lost.”

“Beyond our children, we never had much of a marriage, Celebrian. While I will forgive you, I see no possibility of a future for us. I want a fresh start, free of the pain and anguish of the past we shared. You need this, as well,” he responded, moved by a desire that they should inflict no further damage to each other’s spirits.

Offering an encouraging smile, he added, “You will not be alone, Celebrian. There are many that love you… your parents and our sons, chief among them. You will find your way and be happy again.”

“And, what of you? Will you be happy? Indeed, have you ever been happy, Elrond?” she asked, a trembling hand reaching up to wipe at her tears.

“Aye… I was happy in those early years with my parents and later in Ereinion’s care. When the children were young and needed my care… in the years we built Imladris, I was happy then for I had purpose.” Squaring his shoulders, he added, “I will be happy again. We plan to open a school and Lord Irmo encourages this as the Valar feel there is a need for what we can offer. I have my music and my writings. I have my friends and family. They have long centered me and given me love. What more is there?”

“A lover… a partner that loves you even as you love her. You deserve that. Eru knows I never tried to be that for you,” she admitted, regret coloring her voice.

Puzzled, he found himself asking, “You wish it had been otherwise?”

A self-deprecating smile lightened the sad expression on her face. “There is much truth in the old saying that you never know what you have until you have lost it. Aye, I wish it were otherwise, but I know it cannot be. I will not oppose your petition to the Valar and will give my concurrence, if asked.”

Relieved by her words, he offered, “You will not be alone, Celebrian. Eru has a plan for you. Perhaps, you and Haldir…”

Reaching up to softly cover his lips, she whispered, “Nay. While I did… do love Haldir, we have no future. We have harmed each other too grievously to continue as before. We both need to move on with our lives and start afresh… but apart. It is best for us both.”

“Have you talked this over with him? He may be willing…”

“He may… but I cannot see a future for us.” Sighing, she turned and walked over to the edge of the lake. “I have made such a mess of my life. I hardly know where to begin.”

“It may be scant comfort, but you did not come to this place in your life in a single day, Celebrian. It will take time and you will need the counsel of others to help you, but you will rebuild your life if you genuinely desire to do so,” he urged, needing to see her begin again… as much for himself as for her.

Moving to her side, he concluded, “We have both come to a crossroads in our lives. We can either stay on the path we have long tread, knowing it leads to a lonely future… or we can take the risk of venturing into the unknown. At this moment, we do not know where our individual paths will take us, but we both know we must try. We must take each day as it comes and do what we must to make our lives better. Healing will come and a new day will eventually dawn where the past is… past.”

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A/N - Sorry for the delay in updates. RL has been way to intense lately and I just haven't had much time to write. Hopefully, things will settle down and I can get back to my stories! Thanks for reading!

A/N - Thanks MarzBar! Meril's family has a lot to answer for. I plan to save most of that for the sequel and wrap things up for now in Lorien. I ready to get them back to Valimar and Elrond to the Valar! Thanks for all your support!

A/N Hi MK! I love Elrond... just in case I'd hidden that fact too well! *GRIN!* More soon!