Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,041
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,041
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Plotting
Chapter 25
Several hours later Kalina and Legolas were both lounging on the couch smoking and plotting.
"The way I figure it, it'll probably be bese a e a e a run for it right before this big theatrical sacrifice thingie," said Kalina.
"What, that's not for three days or something, isn't it?" Legolas leisurely tapped the end of his joint against the rim of his ashtray.
"I don't know. Sauron never said. Probably in the next few days. But anyway all the orcs should be in attendance; therefore security will probably be a bit lax. Plus I'll have had more time to make Sauron worship me more so nobody will think twice about me sneaking dungeon-wards to rescue you, then slaughter our way to liberation. See? It all makes sense," said Kalina, blowing several smoke rings.
"Shit. Footsteps," said Legolas, stubbing out his joint and grabbing a plate of grapes. He positioned himself beside Kalina, kneeling and working hard at peeling a grape as Sauron entered the room. Kalina stretched out and reclined on the couch, still smoking.
"Yove hve him trained well already," comme Sau Sauron approvingly. "And his hair's improved," he added with a hint of envy. "Now, would you be up to the little wrestling match tonight? You seemed keen."
"Yay!! I haven't maimed anything all day," said Kalina happily. She was quite looking frd trd to kicking Galadriel's ass. It wasn't anything particularly personal. Kalina just tended to get on badly with other females and much to her surprise found she was getting territorial over Legolas.
"Excellent. Unfortunately this means I need to oversee some orcs. Useless bastards. Don't see why Melkor couldn't have come up with a better design," grumbled Sauron. While it was relatively easy to breed a hoard of bloodthirsty orcs, they weren't very smart. It got tiresome being surrounded by grunting thugs. "I'll have some food sent to you and then I'll be back to bring you through to the ring."
"Can't I wander around? I'm getting bored," protested Kalina. She and Legolas had spent the last few hours having sex throughout Sauron's residence amokimoking large amounts of drugs. Which was all well and good but there was a limited amount of havoc to be caused. Much as Kalina hated to admit it, she missed Haldir. At least he gave her cause to get angry and shout lots.
"Later. Once you're established, so to speak. Trust me. It's the only way to hammer home the message to my thugs that you are not to be fucked with," assured Sauron.
"And has nothing to do with you wanting to perve over two hot elf chicks half naked in mud," muttered Legolas. He regretted doing so when Sauron glowered at him. He pointed at him, muttered and a bolt of electricity leaped from his fingertips and struck Legolas, doing little physical damage but making him jump and yelp. Sauron smirked at him as Legolas clutched his hair and to his horror found it full of static and trying to return to it's former frizzy state. Yelping louder this time he ran to the bathroom and slammed the door, bolting it. The sound of frenzied styling products being applied issued past the door.
"Are you sure you want to keep him around?" asked Sauron as Kalina continued
"He's pretty and he fears me and doesn't smell odd like most of the underlings here. Maybe in a decade or so I'll let you kill him and take on one of your ilk to do my bidding. However, you have to give me some time to adjust," said Kalina, using the tone of voice Elrond was now familiar with and was most often heard when Kalina wanted some kind of new death toy.
"For you, my priceless mistress of depravity, anything," said Sauron indulgently. He dropped down and kissed Kalina on the forehead.
"You're sweet. Now bring me food!"
"Of course!" said Sauron, hurrying off again and absently humming cheerfully. A pair of patrolling orcs saw this and shuddered. Happy Sauron was scary.
"Is he gone?" demandegolegolas from within the bathroom.
"Yes," said Kalina, amused by the situation. Legolas emerged, his hair looking less shocking. He was pouting irritably. It made him look all the more molestable.
"Good. Sauron's a complete cunt." Legolas pushed back an errant strand of hair into place and wandered back over to the couch.
"He is a bit of a tit. He gets more annoying each time I see him," agreed Kalina. Which hadn't been that often. Tempting as the kind of power he offered was, the fearboreboredom was definitely growing. After all, she had just spent the afternoon in what was technically a five star prison of sorts. This was starting to piss her off. It hadn't at first. And the fear of Sauron's possible return did add a nice edge to fornication. But that was starting to wear off as well.
"So you're going to use your evil feminine wiles on him and hurry him up so we can make a break for it sooner?" asked Legolas, trying not to sound like he was hinting too much.
"Pretty much, yeah. Although I'm looking forward to smacking Galadriel around in a pit full of mud. It's probably something I'll never get the chance to do and get away with," said Kalina. "Right. Footsteps. On the floor."
Legolas swiftly grabbed his plate of grapes and dropped down onto his knees, proffering a peeled grape to Kalina as she managed to make a book entitled 'A Treatise on Dead Farm Beasts in Biological Warfare' manifest from where she wedged it down the side of the couch and began reading. An orc opened the door, snarled at Kalina suspiciously then snorted at Legolas in servitude. He pushed before him an elegant trolley with several elegantly prepared dishes on it.
"Stop glaring at me, fuckwit!" snapped Kalina without looking up. She was nevertheless aware of the dirty looks the orc was shooting her. She reached under the couch, still pretending to read and picked up a miniature crossbow she had stashed earlier. "The bolt is enchanted. If I shoot you with it you will find yourself compelled to dance an exceedingly homoerotic sailor's jig when you get back to your filthy ilk."
"She's probably not lying either," added Legolas.
"Quiet, underling," snapped Kalina, smacking Legolas upside the head with her book. "Useless minion!!! You bent the spine!"
Confused and mildly threatened the orc edged away from the scene and decided to pretend it never happened thatthat Sauron was probably going mad like some old cat lady except collecting elves instead of felines.
"Hmm... this actually isn't as suspicious looking as I expected," said Kalina, poking at one of the plates with her dagger.
"Don't use that! You've stabbed people with it recently," protested Legolas.
"Oops. Force of habit," said Kalina, putting the dagger back in her boot. The food consisted of large chunks of dead
animal roasted to perfection. What animal it was neither of them was too certain. But it tasted good so the decided not to think on the subject any further.
Several hours later Kalina and Legolas were both lounging on the couch smoking and plotting.
"The way I figure it, it'll probably be bese a e a e a run for it right before this big theatrical sacrifice thingie," said Kalina.
"What, that's not for three days or something, isn't it?" Legolas leisurely tapped the end of his joint against the rim of his ashtray.
"I don't know. Sauron never said. Probably in the next few days. But anyway all the orcs should be in attendance; therefore security will probably be a bit lax. Plus I'll have had more time to make Sauron worship me more so nobody will think twice about me sneaking dungeon-wards to rescue you, then slaughter our way to liberation. See? It all makes sense," said Kalina, blowing several smoke rings.
"Shit. Footsteps," said Legolas, stubbing out his joint and grabbing a plate of grapes. He positioned himself beside Kalina, kneeling and working hard at peeling a grape as Sauron entered the room. Kalina stretched out and reclined on the couch, still smoking.
"Yove hve him trained well already," comme Sau Sauron approvingly. "And his hair's improved," he added with a hint of envy. "Now, would you be up to the little wrestling match tonight? You seemed keen."
"Yay!! I haven't maimed anything all day," said Kalina happily. She was quite looking frd trd to kicking Galadriel's ass. It wasn't anything particularly personal. Kalina just tended to get on badly with other females and much to her surprise found she was getting territorial over Legolas.
"Excellent. Unfortunately this means I need to oversee some orcs. Useless bastards. Don't see why Melkor couldn't have come up with a better design," grumbled Sauron. While it was relatively easy to breed a hoard of bloodthirsty orcs, they weren't very smart. It got tiresome being surrounded by grunting thugs. "I'll have some food sent to you and then I'll be back to bring you through to the ring."
"Can't I wander around? I'm getting bored," protested Kalina. She and Legolas had spent the last few hours having sex throughout Sauron's residence amokimoking large amounts of drugs. Which was all well and good but there was a limited amount of havoc to be caused. Much as Kalina hated to admit it, she missed Haldir. At least he gave her cause to get angry and shout lots.
"Later. Once you're established, so to speak. Trust me. It's the only way to hammer home the message to my thugs that you are not to be fucked with," assured Sauron.
"And has nothing to do with you wanting to perve over two hot elf chicks half naked in mud," muttered Legolas. He regretted doing so when Sauron glowered at him. He pointed at him, muttered and a bolt of electricity leaped from his fingertips and struck Legolas, doing little physical damage but making him jump and yelp. Sauron smirked at him as Legolas clutched his hair and to his horror found it full of static and trying to return to it's former frizzy state. Yelping louder this time he ran to the bathroom and slammed the door, bolting it. The sound of frenzied styling products being applied issued past the door.
"Are you sure you want to keep him around?" asked Sauron as Kalina continued
"He's pretty and he fears me and doesn't smell odd like most of the underlings here. Maybe in a decade or so I'll let you kill him and take on one of your ilk to do my bidding. However, you have to give me some time to adjust," said Kalina, using the tone of voice Elrond was now familiar with and was most often heard when Kalina wanted some kind of new death toy.
"For you, my priceless mistress of depravity, anything," said Sauron indulgently. He dropped down and kissed Kalina on the forehead.
"You're sweet. Now bring me food!"
"Of course!" said Sauron, hurrying off again and absently humming cheerfully. A pair of patrolling orcs saw this and shuddered. Happy Sauron was scary.
"Is he gone?" demandegolegolas from within the bathroom.
"Yes," said Kalina, amused by the situation. Legolas emerged, his hair looking less shocking. He was pouting irritably. It made him look all the more molestable.
"Good. Sauron's a complete cunt." Legolas pushed back an errant strand of hair into place and wandered back over to the couch.
"He is a bit of a tit. He gets more annoying each time I see him," agreed Kalina. Which hadn't been that often. Tempting as the kind of power he offered was, the fearboreboredom was definitely growing. After all, she had just spent the afternoon in what was technically a five star prison of sorts. This was starting to piss her off. It hadn't at first. And the fear of Sauron's possible return did add a nice edge to fornication. But that was starting to wear off as well.
"So you're going to use your evil feminine wiles on him and hurry him up so we can make a break for it sooner?" asked Legolas, trying not to sound like he was hinting too much.
"Pretty much, yeah. Although I'm looking forward to smacking Galadriel around in a pit full of mud. It's probably something I'll never get the chance to do and get away with," said Kalina. "Right. Footsteps. On the floor."
Legolas swiftly grabbed his plate of grapes and dropped down onto his knees, proffering a peeled grape to Kalina as she managed to make a book entitled 'A Treatise on Dead Farm Beasts in Biological Warfare' manifest from where she wedged it down the side of the couch and began reading. An orc opened the door, snarled at Kalina suspiciously then snorted at Legolas in servitude. He pushed before him an elegant trolley with several elegantly prepared dishes on it.
"Stop glaring at me, fuckwit!" snapped Kalina without looking up. She was nevertheless aware of the dirty looks the orc was shooting her. She reached under the couch, still pretending to read and picked up a miniature crossbow she had stashed earlier. "The bolt is enchanted. If I shoot you with it you will find yourself compelled to dance an exceedingly homoerotic sailor's jig when you get back to your filthy ilk."
"She's probably not lying either," added Legolas.
"Quiet, underling," snapped Kalina, smacking Legolas upside the head with her book. "Useless minion!!! You bent the spine!"
Confused and mildly threatened the orc edged away from the scene and decided to pretend it never happened thatthat Sauron was probably going mad like some old cat lady except collecting elves instead of felines.
"Hmm... this actually isn't as suspicious looking as I expected," said Kalina, poking at one of the plates with her dagger.
"Don't use that! You've stabbed people with it recently," protested Legolas.
"Oops. Force of habit," said Kalina, putting the dagger back in her boot. The food consisted of large chunks of dead
animal roasted to perfection. What animal it was neither of them was too certain. But it tasted good so the decided not to think on the subject any further.