Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 24

"Kalina... what the fuck is going on? Why is he saying you're getting married? And why are you kissing him? And making him wear a butt-plug?" Legolas prattled his questions, confused and scared.

"He's one of those men who wants a domineering woman in his life. He's actually rather sweet once you get past his murderous past," said Kalina, leading Legolas through a door into an elaborate bedroom. "And he comes with cool furniture!" she added, pleased at the size of the ebony bed that occupied the majority of the far end of the room.

"He's keen on the red and black theme, isn't he," commented Legolas, looking at the bedspread and pillows. He shook his head to rid himself of the distraction then continued to grill Kalina. "So you're shacking up with Sauron?"

"Well, first I need to fight Galadriel in a mud wrestling match. Then all his minions will take me seriously and we can get properly engaged. Oh, and he's going to kill Haldir, Aragorn and Galadriel in some weird ritual to make him stronger and more powerful. He's currently pretty formidable but not nearly as powerful as he could be," explained Kalina, opening a door at the other end of the room that led to a magnificently opulent bathroom lit with three flickering torches emphasizing the cavernous proportions of the room. "Fuck me hard and call me Tinuviel!! It's the bathtub of my dreams!" shrieked Kalina in ecstasy, running and jumping fully clothed into a massive black onyx tub with elegant platinum taps off to the side.

"But you can't marry Sauron!! That's not right!!!" Legolas found himself being ignored by Kalina who was too busy pulling her clothes off and trying to turn the taps on at the same time. "Kalina? Are you listening to me?"

"Shut up and get naked. I did promise I'd fuss over your hair, didn't I?" said Kalina, now naked and beckoning. She was already ankle deep in warm water as the bath filled rapidly. The temptation was too great. Legolas decided to let the questions slide for now and began removing his grubby clothes. "Can you get these washed?"

"I think we can pilfer something from that massive wardrobe in the bedroom," said Kalina. "Ooooh! Exotic scented bath oils!" Kalina began rifling through several red porcelain jars on a table beside the bath. "And conditioner!"

"Hah! There was no way his hair was that good without it," snorted Legolas, still irked about not having the prettiest hair in the room earlier. "Any bubble bath stuff?" he asked hopefully as Kalina dumped some lavender scented bath salts under the running taps.

"Yeah, this stuff I think," said Kalina, handing him a vessel of viscous pink liquid.

"This is camper than Haldir's bathroom," said Legolas, sitting back and soaking in the rising hot water.

"That is worrying," agreed Kalina. "Still, I'll wait until after I sleep with him before deciding to accept this vast mantle of sadistic power." She reached out and turned off the taps and lay back with her head resting on the elf's chest, his arms around her waist.

"You're not serious?"

"Well it's tempting. You have to admit it. This would be a lifetime of indulgence and getting to smack around one of the most powerful beings ever on a regular basis because he loves it. And I'll get armies to control!! Although I adm admit the novelty would probably wear off after a few months," said Kalina, considering the situation.

"And I don't think Elrond would be too happy about you leaving his mother-in-law and Haldir to die. And I thought you got on with Aragorn," said Legolas pointedly.

"Well, I was hoping to convince Sauron to let him go although I think he wasn't too happy about me saving you. Which reminds me. If he suddenly returns I may have to beat the shit out of you for trying to molest me since I don't think he's really big on sharing."

"Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Now I've got to worry about Sauron catching us at it. I can deal with your father but Sauron scares the fuck out of me! I mean you've heard about all the fucked up shit he's done? And he's got such irritatingly good hair!"

"Aragorn hasn't told you about orc piñata then? Don't ask," said Kalina as Legolas began to speak. "Anyway he's not that bad."

"Well, you were able to ram a fake tail up his arse and make treat him like a pony. So I'm guessing he's eating out of your hand now," snorted Legolas. The image of Kalina kissing Sauron had re-emerged in his mind and was pissing him off.

"FINE," sighed Kalina. "I won't marry Sauron. However I feel the need to play along since it'll be much easier to make a
break if I've got the trust of his minions and whatnot."

Legolas exhaled with relief and hugged Kalina tly,tly, kissing her on the cheek.

"So what do you have in mind?" he asked. Kalina shrugged.

ve ive it a few days. I'll wander down and pretend to gloat at you lot and let the othenow now what's happening after I tell the guards to fuck off. And they'll all obey me by then! Muahahahaha!!!" Kalina couldn't resist the occasional bout of maniacal laughter.

"Yes, dear," said Legolas, placating her and moving his hands over her curvaceous body. The irritation over her kissing Sauron was dissipating since she'd decided against marrying the fucker. It was swiftly being replaced with desire, enhanced by the thought of her dominating Sauron and torturing him in exquisite ways.

"Ooh. Dirty elf," said Kalina, twisting around and attempting to mock-drown Legolas. She succeeded in submerging his head then released him, the water straightening his formerly springy hair.

"Quick!! Shampoo! Conditioner! Now!!" begged Legolas. Tempted as she was to deprive him a little longer and make him squirm, Kalina handed him the cleaning products.