Against all odds

Chapter twenty three admissions and confusion

Erestor blinked as he awoke. At first his surroundings puzzled him but then he realised where he was.

He smiled as he felt Elrond hold him protectively. He took the opportunity to study him. The sleeping lord looked breathtakingly beautiful. ‘It must be the bond but I think he’s absolutely stunning. I’ve never noticed it.’ But immediately his mind countered. ‘yes, you did.’ His intense stare reached Elrond in his sleep who now stirred to wake up.

His eyelids fluttered and he looked at Erestor as if he was the most beautiful person in the world. A look that made Erestor feel uncomfortable. His discomfort seeped through the link and Elrond immediately tightened his hold. “Erestor?” He hoped the other would confide in him.

“Don’t look at me thus.”

This baffled Elrond. “Why not? I love you.”

Erestor closed his eyes, unable to watch Elrond any longer. “You can’t. I’m stained, emotionally unstable and insane. You should have let me die.”

Elrond now started petting his hair. “But that would have been a disaster, not just for me but for the entire world.” Knowing Erestor would not believe him he opted for humour. “You see, I would have instantly followed you and the twins would have followed me and undoubtedly the demise of the four of us would have triggered a chain reaction. Why, when people here would be done dying and word has reached the other realms it would inflict certain death there as well. And then there is… Auch what you that for?” Erestor had just poked him in the stomach.

“I don’t know what to do, Elrond. I feel like I am losing my mind and I do not like it. Is that a result of the bond I never read about?”

Elrond drew him closer. “It’s understandable for you to feel a little lost. But give it time, Erestor. And remember, you’re not in this alone. As for your Valarin words and dreams; well, Linyenwaer has told me something about that but I have to check it first.”

Erestor cocked his head. “The deer knows something about that?”

“Aye, he did. But he heard it from another; that’s why I have to check it.”

“Please wait. I don’t wish to be alone. I….I…I’m afraid.”

Elrond smiled. “I won’t. I take it you don’t hate me anymore.” He had intended to make it sound like a joke but he failed and his fear seeped through.
estoestor ‘s eyes warmed and he gently kissed him. Just where his mouth was located. “I never hated you. I was angry at you but I never hated you. I just didn’t know or understand anything anymore. And I just wanted to get even. I was still mad at you for avoiding me for so long.” Erestor saw the guilt and shame come back in Elrond’s eyes and he quickly added. “Now we’re even.”

He laid his head back on Elrond’s chest. “What happens now, Elrond?” Elrond didn’t car caressing the dark strands. “Whatever you want.” “I don’t know. I want to sleep. But I miss hearing the water.”

To this Elrond disentangled himself for Erestor and dressed himself. “Than we go to your room. And maybe to get something in our stomachs.” He extended his hand for Erestor who took it without thinking. When Erestor blushed and averted his eyes Elrond was surprised. He has never seen Erestor blush. It was a pleasing sight that warmed him. “Erestor? Is something wrong?”

Erestor sighed. He’d rather not talk about it, but he realised sooner or later they had to, and now was as good a time as ever. “I just don’t know what is happening to me. I find, I , ehm, desire you and I don’t know whether it’s the bond or not. I….I” Elrond silenced him with his hand. “Like I said, Erestor, it is only logical for you to be confused. Give it time to work it out.”

He would have loved to pull the other to his body and kiss him, but he didn’t knowing Erestor needed time. But Elrond knew what this meant. He knew that the bond did not create new feelings. It merely enhanced old feelings and strengthened new feelings. Erestor might not have realised it, but he had just told Elrond he had been in love with him before all this had happened.

About to walk out he suddenly realised this might be Erestor’s answer. He stopped and turned. “Erestor? Can I ask you a personal question?” On the other’s nod he continued. “What did you feel towards me before the bond. Did you feel attracted to me? Find me beautiful? Hated me perhaps? Be honest.”

At first Erestor was inclined on marching past the Half-elf but he did not. Elrond’s question made him realise a simple truth, so simple he had never before seen it. After some thought he answered. “I don’t know Elrond. I cared greatly about you. I think I even loved you. I mean I missed you when you weren’t here and when you had that accident I….” Tears came in his eyes as he remembered how the twins had told them what had happened. How he had felt. “It was as if a knife was plunged into my heart.” Suddenly understanding dawned on him. “it’s not the bond. I already thought you fair. When I held you in front of me on the horse you took my breath away. I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life.”

He stopped when he saw tears in Elrond’s eyes. Had he said the wrong things? Had he made a mistake in admitting this? But it had felt so right and it had been so easy. He was stunned when Elrond closed the distance and kissed him as if it was the last thing he could ever do. He was so stunned he did not react or respond to it. When the lack of response registered in Elrond’s mind he drew back, his eyes showing his love and hope.

Erestor shook his head to clear it. “You really meant all you said.” It was a statement. A realisation. For the first time Erestor was free of doubt towards Elrond’s love. “How long?” He instantly regretted his question when he saw Elrond’s eyes darken in sadness.

“I don’t really know. Forever, probably from the moment we met, only I realised it when it was too late.” Tears rolled down his face.

Erestor’s mind went into overdrive. He realised what this admission meant. It said that Elrond had loved him for millennia but hadn’t realised it until he and Celebrían had wed. He suddenly felt sorry for him, to have lived such a life: married to one you dot lot love and to have your loved one close but were unable to act on it. And yet, Erestor thought, I doubt I would have accepted him had he courted me. He knew he had changed much in the last months. It was the bond that made him realise his feelings.

He saw Elrond trying to fight his emotional turmoil and brought his hand to Elrond’s cheek. “Don’t let the past grieve you. You and her had three wonderful children, two of them still here. I don’t know when I started harbouring feelings for you, melamin, but it must have been some centuries ago.”

“And yet I never saw or acted upon my feelings. It pains me to think it took so much pain and trouble for us to get together. If I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get back to you none of this would have happened. You would have gotten caught and..”

Erestor silenced him. “I am glad it happened.” He chuckled at Elrond’s disbelieving look. “Aye I am stained, physically and emotionally, and you’ll probably go nuts or tire of me, but if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t know about your love. If it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t know I love you. And I wouldn’t have you.” He leaned in for a kiss but jumped back when he saw gold strands behind Elrond’s dark ones. His eyes shot daggers to the door.

In the opening stood Glorfindel, holding the most beautiful flowers either elf had ever seen. He smiled. “Glad to see things are improving between you two. Here, Erestor, these are for you. You’ve been inside again for a while and I don’t want you to forget the valley, so..” He shoved the flowers into Erestor’s hands, forcing both elves to break contact.

Erestor smiled. “Where’s the dirt and mud you usually bring inside?”

“I couldn’t possibly bring that into Elrond’s rooms, now can I?”

Erestor snorted. “Oh, so you wouldn’t dirty Elrond’s rooms, but you have no trouble bringing all that stuff into mine. You are nuts!!! Make yourself useful and get us some food, we’re starving. We’ll be in the dining hall, waiting for you to serve us.” He pulled Elrond along by his sleeves.

Glorfindel smiled. ‘Well, there’s no doubt who’s going to be in charge in that relationship.’ He doubted Elrond would mind Erestor’s dominance. He hurried to the kitchen to make them an extremely delicious breakfast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Now, will you tell me what is wrong?” Elrohir and Legolas had finished eating breakfast and now Elrohir was getting annoyed by the other’s silence. Legolas had never been silent and the fact that he refused to tell him bugged him. “Maybe I can help?”

Legolas still refused to tell him. He had stopped claiming there was nothing wrong. It just felt bad lying to Elrohir. But he could not tell Elrohir either. He did not even know exactly himself. And the last thing he wanted to do was causing troubles between the twins. No, he had to seek out Elladan and confront him. “I am sorry, Elrohir, but I’d rather not talk about it. I am sorry I’ve been such lousy company just now. I promise I’ll do better the rest of the day.”

Elrohir squinted his eyes. Somehow Legolas’ words pleased him. He found he looked forward to spending the entire day with Legolas. But still he was curious about what was wrong. He thought about it and realised Legolas’ mood had changed in the kitchen. That meant that whatever was wrong happened in the kitchen. Then he remembered how Legolas had looked after Elladan.

He could only draw one conclusion: that the blond was interested in his brother and was merely keeping him company to get closer to Elladan. ‘Just like me to start liking a guy who turns out to be only interested in my brother.’ Anger rose in his heart and he stood abruptly. “I don’t think it’s my company you wish for, now is it? I will tell Elladan you’re looking for him.” He turned and walked back to the house, leaving a flabbergasted Legolas behind, who was wondering if Elrohir had mind reading powers.
But he figured Elrond must have thought his children a lot. Elrond had always been able to read everybody. No one could keep secrets from him. He had no need of a ring to help him with that, unlike Galadriel who’s powers had disappeared with the ring’s, but not Elrond’s. Legolas decided it must be somehow hereditary. He hoped he could somehow mask things for Elladan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Now will you please tell me what is wrong, Elladan. Are you ill?” Lindir approached the other to feel his temperature which was normal. /But the colour on his cheeks isn’t. It seems to increase as time goes by. If I didn’t know lords Elrond and Erestor need their time alone I would go there instantly. Something is wrong./ He figured it was too hot for Elladan in hend hnd he opened the windows. “Is this better?”

Elladan was getting more and more worried about the situation. Normally he would have fled by now, but he didn’t want to bump into Glorfindel who was having a rather bad day today. Lindir was the only safety he had against Glorfindel’s wrath. So he had to remain, but Lindir’s concern for his health only added to his confusion. Suddenly he knew how to do away with the tension. “Lindir, will you sing? With Lindóma?”

He smiled when he saw Lindir gather his instrument and check it before sitting himself on his bed. He signalled for Elladan to do the same. “Any requests? Perhaps the song I sang before?” But Elladan shook his head. “Now, I’ve heard that one too much at the party, I fear. Surprise me.”

“Alright then, that I will.” For a moment he thought of a song to sing. He wanted to sing one that would take Elladan’s mind of his problems and not one that would make him gloomy. Suddenly he knew one. “Ok. Here goes. It’s called: Laimë sérëlyava

Car nin laimë sérëlyava
Massë ná tevië, lav’ tultan ten mel’
Massë ná harwe, apsenië heru
Ar massë ná liestel, voronwë ten

Car nin laimë sérëlyava
Massë ná ú estelo cuilë, lav’ tultan ten estel
Massë ná mornië, er cala
Ar massë ná niri, oi alassë

A hanu, lava ni nai lioi cen
Fárëa fëanya amorta an amorta fëa
Eä hanya an hanyan
Eä melë an melin ilya fëanyanen

Car nin laimë sérëlyava
Mi apsenië narilmë apsené
Mi antië ilya anarin tuvolmë
An mi firië narilmë nóna aira cuilëssë

When he was done Elladan looked so happy he was inclined to sing it again. But when he struck the chords Elladan stopped him. “Do you have anything else that’s new?” “Aye, but it isn’t finished. In fact it’s just four lines.” “Doesn’t matter, will you sing it please?”

Lindir was still doubting when the door flung open and revealed a smirking Glorfindel, carrying a rather large tray of food. “Hi there, Elladan, sorry about before. I should not have acted the way I did. Got to go before I’ll get impounded. Bye”

Elladan and Lindir looked at each other, mirth and wonder in their eyes. “Guess he’s back to normal. Now I believe you wanted me to sing for you.” But before one note could come to live the door once more opened and this time Elrohir entered.

“I am sorry to disturb you, Lindir, but Legolas wants to talk with Elladan.” Elladan arched his eyebrows, wondering why his twin sounded so angry. But he rose none the less. “Can’t keep our guest waiting. See you later Lindir.”

End chapter 23
TBC

Translations:
Melamin means my love in Sindarin.

English lyrics of the song:
Make me a shadow of your peace
Where there’s hatred, let me bring you love
Where there’s injury, pardon Lord
And where there’s doubt, a faith in you

Make me a shadow of your peace
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there’s darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness, ever joy

O mister, grand that I may never see
So much as to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul

Make me a shadow of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life

Note:
The original is sang by Sinead O’Conner and is called Shadow of your peace.

Note on 23-09-03:
some reviewers have informed that it's originally a prayer. Thanks for informing me, I was unaware of it. I only knew it as a song. Sorry Francis of Assisi. *hope he won't kill me*. And that's the biggest pro to this site: one can alter things immediately. *HUGE SMILE*