In the Garden

Title: In the Garden, Chapter 22
Author: Sorsha
Fandom/Pairing: Elrond/OFC, others implied
Rating: R
Warning: AU (Story set several hundred years after ROTK in Aman); Het.
Feedback: Constructive feedback appreciated.
Archive: AFF; FF
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Lady Victoria for betaing this fic.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to Prof. Tolkien. A quick check of my bank account should prove I’m not making anything off of writing my stories. Sigh!
Summary: Life in the Blessed Land has not been so blessed for Elrond. Can the happiness that has long eluded him be found in the words of a red-bound journal, the help of his scheming friends, and the granting of a wish that none thought possible?

Chapter 22 – The Cruelest Cut

Meril slowly walked back toward the glade where her worried family awaited her return. Unable to face them just yet, she sank down onto a bed of thick moss growing near the lake. The strain of remaining calm and detached during her encounter with Celebrian had taken a heavy toll on her already frayed emotions. Staring into the glimmering depths of the water, she let the first of her tears fall.

A warm hand came to rest on her bowed head. “If doing the right thing were easy, all would do it. It took great courage and love to do what you did, Meril, and we are proud of you. We know it went against your entire character to be harsh and cold… those are not traits with which you have much experience.”

Looking up, Meril found her gaze trapped by the deep blue eyes of the Vala Irmo. “I did not want to do that… but I had to try.”

“Indeed you did, penneth. You fought for the right to try and save your cousin, despite the fact she has never done anything but harm to you. As my wife told Celebrian, true beauty begins from within. Yours shines brightly from within you and makes the fair features of your face glow. Why do you think Celebrian has so long disliked you? Why do you think she kept looking your way once she had seen the ruin of her own features? She saw the light of your spirit and understood what it was for the first time. That too gives me hope for her recovery,” he suggested, his tone soft and soothing to her battered spirit. (young one)

Settling down beside her, he tilted his head to study her. “I must ask… what made you approach Celebrian as you did? We had gone to great lengths to keep her from seeing her physical state out of concern it would drive her into final despair. You knew better. Why?”

Meril was silent for a time as she organized her thoughts. “It was something Elrond said after he returned from his first meeting with her. He said he was sad and depressed by the sight of her… the sudden realization of the profound damage she had done to her spirit and he felt sorry for her. Given how bitter he is over her conduct… with great justification, it made me consider what that same insight might do to Celebrian.”

Plucking a small flower growing amongst the moss, she began to twirl the stem between her fingers as she struggled to explain her reasoning. “She has lived her entire life getting away with whatever her latest offense was by using a cutting tongue and her exceptional beauty as a shield against the world. She is quite adept at turning all criticisms about her conduct aside because she has done that all her life, but she has never been faced with the loss of the one thing she assumed was absolute and eternal… her beauty. She had no defense against that.”

Smiling at her logical and practical assessment of the situation, he bent to press a kiss to the top of her bowed head. “Well done, penneth. You possess a fine mind to go with that warm and caring heart. Never allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You simple needed to be allowed the opportunity to demonstrate this.” (young one)

“But, one word of caution, penneth. While you were right this time to insist you be given a chance, do not let this success make you reckless. You are right to assume a confrontation is loaming with your naneth, but do not let your hurt drive you to say things you cannot take back. Let your heart guide you, but let your reason help you balance desire to logic. Your Uncle Gildor and Aunt Silael will open their hearts and home to you, so you need only have the courage and the self-control to know when you must walk away. Let others help you and do not think it a weakness to seek their counsel. May I have your promise on this, Meril?” Irmo insisted. (young one)

A faint blush spread across her face and throat as she shyly met the bottomless gaze of the Vala. “Aye, my lord. I promise.”

Nodding in acceptance of her response, his smile turned into a mischievous grin. “Does that satisfy your fear that she will not grow reckless, Elrond? Please come and join us. This bed of moss makes a fine resting place and you look like you are weary to the bone.”

A bright red blush staining his face, Elrond stepped out of the shadows and moved silently toward the pair seated by the lake. Bowing his head, the peredhel offered, “I am sorry, my lord. It was wrong of me to listen to your conversation.”

Trading a look with the giggling Meril, he laughed. “I will forgive you this time, penneth, for I well understand your worry. While the meeting was difficult on Meril for she was forced to play a role contrary to her nature, she succeeded in getting through to Celebrian. We can now hope she will eventually rebuild her life and all of you may begin to put the pain of your shared past behind you so that a new life is possible.” (young one)

Gesturing for Elrond to sit, Irmo continued. “Let us sit here for a short time to allow the lake and the woods to sooth your hearts. Then, I will accompany you back to tell the others what has happened. Until then, I would very much like to hear of your plans to start a school.”

-----

Several days had passed and the mood around the glade had improved significantly. Meril had taken great comfort in the relieved and hopeful expressions wreathing the twins, and her aunt and uncle’s faces when they returned from visiting Celebrian the day after her meeting with the elleth. She had struggled to breathe as she had been crushed between the twins in a grateful hug.

Smiling at the memory, she felt her spirit connect to the natural world as she meandered slowly through the woods surrounding the lake. Much as she shared the relief and cautious joy of her family, she needed to be alone for a few minutes to regain some perspective. It was becoming increasingly difficult for her to remain around Elrond and not gravitate to his side. She craved his company and longed to comfort the loneliness that still radiated from his spirit… called to the loneliness haunting hers.

Finding herself back at the spot where she had been comforted by the Vala Irmo days earlier, Meril sank down onto the soft bed of moss and took a deep breath of the clean, refreshing air drifting off the lake. Some instinct told her she would soon be called to swim in those sparkling waters, but that same instinct told her she was not yet ready to be cleansed of all her wounds… healed. There were other wounds she had not yet exposed that needed to be addressed first.

Pulling her flute out of her pocket, she let her spirit guide her as the music began to swirl around her. Not yet able to fully connect to the music she created, her spirit whispered its recognition of the chords and told her she had played this music many times before. It was the song of herself and yet she knew it only as a memory… an echo.

As the last note drifted away into the night, her hands dropped to her lap and a deep peace descended to blanket her bruised heart. She shifted slightly and settled on her side, the tranquility of the gardens lulling her senses. Sleep quickly claimed her as the many restless nights of recent weeks demanded their toll.

-----

Meril was not sure what woke her. Still caught in the mists of sleep, her conscious mind began to focus on the subtle changes that had occurred to her surroundings in the time she had slept. A faint sense of anxiety surrounded her; the trees overhead and the moss underneath her body whispered to her spirit, offering shelter and protection. Years of life in Middle-earth immediately called to mind all types of evil that had lurked in the forests of her birth-land.

Now fully awake, Meril struggled to remain still while she tried to locate the source of these feelings. Behind and to her left, the grass shifted as if something rested upon it. Focusing on that sound, she soon caught the barely audible sound of breathing. Frantically, the elleth tried to recall if they had been warned about wild beasts roaming the woods of Lorien, but could remember none.

The air seemed to grow thick and the sound of breathing became more pronounced, as if the other sensed her fear and was growing anxious in response. Meril focused on finding a means of escape. /I am too far from the glade to expect to get there before I am overcome. I have no weapon, save for my flute and it is of little use to defend me. My best hope is to try and reach the lake. I am a strong swimmer and may be able to allude whatever lurks behind me. If it is a beast, it might avoid the water entirely./

Bracing to make a dash for the water, she let out a panicked scream as a hand settled on her shoulder. Jumping up, she whirled around to face her attacker, her flute clinched in her hands in a feeble attempt to defend herself. The sight before her caught her off-guard and her flute fell softly to the ground.

-----

“I am sorry, Meril. I did not mean to frighten you.”

“Haldir! What are you doing here? You are supposed to be across the lake under the care of the Lady,” Meril exclaimed.

A sad smile twisted his lips. “I heard your music… I knew it was you because I have heard you play that song many times. I needed to talk to you and apologize for how badly I betrayed you. Now that I am here… I find I lack the words to express my regrets.”

Meril studied the elf before her. His decline was almost as shocking as that she had found when she first saw Celebrian. His pale white-gold hair hung in lank, limp strands around gaunt, sunken features. The prideful, arrogant cast to his eyes and face were gone, replaced by an empty, lost expression. Haldir was unable to hold her gaze and let his eyes fall back to their previous study of the moss.

Looking more closely, Meril noted the way his tunic hung about his shoulders, the once broad, powerful span had grown thin and frail. Skeleton-like fingers plucked at a thread on the hem of his tunic in a nervous, desperate manner. The elf before her was but a faint shadow of the dashing and heroic figure she had once loved… the image of the haughty March Warden o’ Lorien replaced by a breathing corpse.

Taking a deep breath, Meril sought to steady her nerves. She had known the day of this meeting was fast approaching, but it had come as a shock to wake to find him so near and she felt unprepared to handle the situation. In the distance, she heard her name being called as Elrond and the others were looking for her having heard her scream.

“I need to let them know I am safe, Haldir. They heard me scream and they are worried about me. Wait here and I will return to talk to you.”

A defeated whisper countered her offer. “Nay. That is not necessary. I had no right to place you in this position and I regret frightening you as I did. It was thoughtless of me.”

“I will not argue that point, Haldir, but please wait here. We do need to talk and there is no reason to put if off any longer now that you are here. Promise me you will wait for me,” she insisted.

Puzzled eyes lifted to meet hers and, after a minute, he nodded. “I will wait if that is what you want.”

Sighing, Meril turned to hurry back toward the glade to reassure her kin of her safety. /Ai! What do I say to him? He looks as though it would not take much to send him to Mandos!/

Seeing Elrond and her uncle running toward her, she waved to them to let her know she was unharmed. “I am sorry to have worried you. I am fine. I was merely startled and ill-prepared to find Haldir sitting near to me when I awoke from a nap by the lake.”

Elrond came to a halt in front of her, his hands reaching up to grasp her shoulders in an attempt to assure himself she was safe. Fighting the instinctive desire to pull her into his arms, he began to rub her tense shoulders hoping to steady her obviously frayed nerves. “Haldir? What is he doing here? He is not supposed to see you until the Lady Estë decides you are both ready for such a meeting.”

Nodding in weary agreement, Meril drank in the comfort that flowed from his touch. “He heard me playing my flute… in the place where we talked to Lord Irmo. He recognized it as my playing and felt drawn to come to apologize to me.”

“Why did you scream, Lirimaer? I felt your distress and was rising to go to find you when we heard you scream,” Elrond asked, oblivious to the startled look Gildor sent his way at this admission. (lovely one)

Before she could answer, the twins and Haldir’s brothers appeared from the forest and hurried toward her. “Meril… are you all right?”

Seeing the other ellyn of their family headed their way, she waited until they were all gathered around her to answer. “I am fine and I apologize for frightening you. I had fallen asleep near the lake and awoke with to a feeling of unease around me. The trees… the air seemed heavy with it. I spent too many years in Middle-earth to miss such signs. I was just preparing to make a run for the lake hoping whatever I sensed near me would not follow, when a hand gripped my shoulder. I screamed and then jumped to my feet to see what… who it was. It is funny now, but I had my flute raised like a weapon!”

“Who was it, Meril? Do we need to organize a party to search for your attacker?” Ereinion pressed.

“Nay… it was Haldir. I did not expect to see him and the trees must have sensed his guilt and grief. He did me no harm and is… I understand what you meant, Elrond. I feel sorry for him and the sight of him left me feeling depressed and confused,” she admitted, looking up into the silver eyes of the peredhel. Both missed the glances passing between the others as they observed Elrond’s possessive hold on her shoulders.

“Why is our brother here? He is supposed to remain in the area around the healing pavilion and not seek any of us out until the Lady permits it,” Orophin asked.

“As I was telling Uncle Gildor and Elrond, he heard me playing my flute and felt compelled to come apologize to me. Oh, Phin… he is but a shadow of his former self!” she cried, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

“Indeed he is. Has he returned to the pavilion or do we need to see him back?” Rúmil asked.

“Nay, I bid him wait for me. Now that he has approached me, it will do neither of us any good to delay this talk. He needs to get this behind him…and so do I. I will be fine,” she asserted.

“Indeed you will be.”

Looking up, the group was surprised to find they had been joined by Lissë. “My Lady had not planned for this encounter for a few more days, but, now that it has come, it must be concluded. Worry not. I will be near, as will several other attendants. We will keep Meril safe and see Haldir back safely to the pavilion when they are finished.”

-----

Meril moved slowly back into the small, moss-covered clearing. Haldir had not moved from where he had been when she had left to find those worried about her. His shoulders had, however, drooped even further and the air of failure that surrounded him was palatable.

“Haldir? I am back and now we can talk.”

“It is not necessary that you do this, Meril. You do not owe me anything after what I did to you. Indeed, I am the one that owes you,” he whispered, his voice weak and gruff from lack of use.

Moving to sit across from him, several feet away, she studied the elf again. “You are right in that. I do not owe you anything, but I do owe this to myself… and I have no desire to see you fade for all your faults. That would grieve me and many others.”

At this, he looked up, a tiny flicker of hope sparking to life in his empty eyes. “You would grieve… for me? After I betrayed you so brutally?”

“Aye, I would. While that betrayal shattered our relationship for all times, I still have many fond memories of you. Moreover, I love your siblings like my own. I could not bear seeing them grieve for your loss, for you are central to their hearts. You raised them and they love you more dearly than as simply their older brother. You have much to do to regain their respect and trust, but you never lost their love,” she insisted. “You must survive so that you can make that effort.”

“But… I have lost all hope of your love have I not?” he asked, the bitter truth clear in his tone, giving him the answer to his question more quickly than her confirmation.

“Aye. The love between a pair that seeks to marry… bond, is different than the love we carry for our blood kin. When trust is lost, there can be no love that nurtures and supports their spirits. While I will accept your apology for I believe you are sincere in offering it, I could never trust you again in such as way as to allow me to love you.” Studying him, she added, “I have come to understand that we did not share the type of love that is necessary to allow a marriage to endure and flourish. I loved the heroic warrior of my youthful dreams, but I never knew the real elf. You kept me at arm’s length, thus you never knew me either.”

“You sound as if you have… moved beyond the past and left me there.”

A rueful smile lightened the sad expression on her face. “I have made a start. I have long since realized it could have been much worse had you cared less for me. It would have been much easier for you to have bedded me, if not married me, and used that to fully hide your affair. Your place in Lorien would have been secured and I would not have been the wiser. I have no doubts you would have still left me in the end regardless of vows or bonds, for Celebrian has a hold over your will that I do not understand… and I suspect neither do you. Your apology will help me put this behind me once and for all time.”

“I would not have bedded you for those reasons, Meril. I did… do love you and I greatly desired you, but you are right. Celebrian is an obsession I could never resist. I loved you enough not to put you in the position of being married to me until I was sure I could honor you as you deserved,” he confessed. “I am in earnest… I do love you, Meril.”

“Perhaps you do, but it was not meant to be. We must both put this behind us… yet learn from it. You need to rebuild your life, Haldir. You need to come to terms with the choices you made and seek to understand why you made them,” Meril urged.

“I have begun to do that. I think much of it lies in a… twisted desire to please my Adar. It is a complicated story and I will not bore you with it,” he confessed. “The sad irony is my parents have disowned me for that very conduct.”

“My aunt suspected this as well and has told me what she knew of it. I can understand the desire to make our parents proud… I did it too. That was part of what made me turn a blind eye to all the signs that should have warned me of what was happening. I never wanted to upset my Nana… you know how she is about never drawing attention to our family. I regret that now. Avoiding a problem does not make it go away and often gives it time to grow into a far bigger one,” she observed, a bitter smile accompanying her remark.

Haldir fell silent as he studied her face, seeming to try to peer into her heart. “You have changed much since we last talked… grown more at ease in your own body. I am glad to see this. I always suspected there was a great spirit within you, aching to be free from the rules your naneth imposed on your family.”

“I still have much to learn, but I have plans for my life and if I must confront to her to realize them, I will. I will go to live with my aunt and uncle if she tries to stop me.” The resolve in her voice was clear. Her time in the Gardens among her expanded family had given her time to finally begin to find herself.

A soft smile lit Haldir’s face. “I am glad to see this new resolve. Make your new life a good one, Lirimaer.” (lovely one)

The smile on her face faltered. Taking a deep breath, she watched as worry returned to the haggard face before her. “Haldir… I need to ask you several questions for my own peace of mind. I need to know, for these thoughts have long cast doubts over my heart.”

Taking a shaky breath, he nodded for her to proceed. “If I can help, I will.”

“In the last few years… did you follow me around Valimar? I do not mean to sound like I am mad or delusional, but I often caught glimpses of someone when I turned suddenly and… I thought it might be you,” she whispered.

“It was. I missed you and was unhappy in the life I had made for myself. I wanted to know that you were well. I saw you start to emerge from the shell you have lived within for the past two hundred years. I overheard the plans for the new school where you will teach. I listened to the music you made with Lord Elrond and Master Lindir. It gave me hope you would find a new life and that I had not destroyed all chances for that with my selfish behavior,” he admitted. “I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It seems my famed tracking skills have deserted me if you saw me following you.”

“That is not true, for I was never sure.” Looking away, she asked, “Did you really tell her I was boring… and like an elfling?”

“I told Celebrian many things… most of them untrue because they were what she wanted to hear to make her feel better about herself. It took me a long time to realize how insecure she is. Aye, I said such things, but I did not mean them. This I swear.”

“I can… to a limited degree, understand you obsession with Celebrian, but… why all the others?”

Looking away, a deep blush conveying his shame, Haldir sighed. “My fëa was damaged by my actions and I lost the ability to judge the wrongs I was doing. I fouled my spirit with corrupt behavior and that changes you. I took lovers hoping to fill the void in my life I had created by my own selfish actions. More than that… I took lovers to control my desire to take you and corrupt you… make you mine.”

Startled, Meril pulled back in horror at his words. “I do not understand.”

A bitter laugh rang through the clearing. “Nay, I would not expect you to do so and pray that you never will. You were the only pure thing in my life beyond my love for my siblings. I desired you… lusted for you, but, because I do love you, I found the strength to resist corrupting you by venting my lust on willing partners that thought they were playing a funny game behind your back. They never realized how badly I used them or how fully they betrayed themselves. But you remained safe from my lust and that was all that mattered to me.”

A small, frightened voice at last asked the one final question she had held close to her heart, too afraid to acknowledge it for fear it was true. “Was Min one of those that… played this funny game behind my back? Did my twin betray me with you?’

A horrified gasp left Haldir’s lips. “Meril… do not go there!”

Her face lost all color at the silent confirmation of her worst fears. “She did.”

Seeing he had no choice now but to answer, Haldir struggled to find words to explain the unexplainable. “Min… thought she loved me. She played a dangerous and wicked game of trying to lure me away from you. She did not know about Celebrian and the others. One night… she was waiting for me outside my talan when I returned late from a meeting with our lord. I foolishly let her come inside. She made an offer that tempted me for, in appearance at least, she is identical to you. Having her was as close to having you as I could get and still leave you uncorrupted. I told myself she came to me… made this offer on her own; therefore, I had no guilt in her corruption… or so I told myself.”

Unable to see the heartbreak clearly visible in her eyes, he dropped his head. “We were on the mound of pillows I used as furniture in the main room. I was near to claiming her… when a shaft of moonlight lit her face and I called your name, told you of my love. It was like a dash of icy water and I do not know which of us that shocked more. I pushed her away and went to the window, needing fresh air to clear my thoughts while she huddled in the corner weeping.”

Intent now on finishing the story, he concluded, “I was angry with myself… angry with her… angry with you for having such power over me. I do not know what I would have done next had not the door to my bedchambers opened. Celebrian was in there planning to surprise me, for I did not know she had arrived in Lorien. She succeeded far beyond her original plans.”

Risking a quick glance at her face, Haldir sucked in a painful breath feeling the grief radiating from his companion. “Your twin was treated to one of Celebrian’s most brutal attacks… she learned it all… our affair, the others. Min staggered out of my talan, broken and in despair. It occurred to me… belatedly, that she might do something rash, so I followed her. Your brother found us arguing and realized part of what had happened. He thought we had… had an affair and that it had ended badly. We did not correct his assumptions and he took her home. She could not tell you about me without confessing her own actions, so she resolved to remain silent and I suspect this ate at her spirit.”

“Sael was in grim situation. He knew I had been unfaithful to you, but thought the affair was over. He knew what your twin had done… or almost done and knew this news would destroy your family. He forced a pledge from Min that the affair was over and agreed to keep quiet for the sake of his family… you most of all. He hated me from that moment and guilt tore at him. That is why he took Min and they went to the Havens to live with your aunt and uncle.” Sagging, Haldir seemed to collapse into himself. “I never wanted you to know this. I would have gone to Mandos forever rather than tell you. How did you find out?”

Dazed, Meril was slow to answer. “Her behavior… it never made sense. I knew she had hoped to win you before me; it was one of the few arguments we ever had. She never was willing to discuss you with me and I did not push it out of concern for her feelings.”

“Then, she seemed to suddenly hate you,” Meril whispered, her heart shattered by her twin’s betrayal. “When she came home from the Havens, in love and betrothed to Anwakal, I sensed her guilt and obvious hatred for you. We share a connection… I sensed some of her thoughts. I knew… something was wrong, but it was not until after you left me for Celebrian that I began to piece the clues together. She told me she knew nothing after… but something never rang true in her denials. I refused to believe it but my doubts have eaten away at my heart since. I suspect Anwa guessed, as well, but loved her enough to forgive her. I was not yet ready to face this until now, but I must if I am to heal.”

“I have no words to offer… I am so ashamed and this one event has consumed me for centuries. I am sorry, Meril, though that does no good to heal such a wound.” Huge tears began to stream down his cheeks as his guilt swamped him.

“I cannot blame you for her actions. She is my twin and I thought our love for each other was greater than it appears to have been. I finally understand the trap Sael was in and that he did not know the full story. I do not envy him the choice he was forced to make… which sister to destroy.” Knowing her control had reached its limits and resolved not to cry in front of him, Meril pushed herself to her feet. “Haldir, you may not believe this right now, but none of this changes my desire for you to heal. I forgive you, for I must if I am to move on with my life… though I cannot yet forget what you did. Be well, Haldir. Rebuild your life. You have many that love you and will forgive you. I hope you find your way home.”

-----

Once she was sure she was well past Haldir’s sight and hearing, Meril broke into a run, frantic to put as much distance between her and the elf as she could. Long suppressed tears streamed down her cheeks as the previously unthinkable became fact. An exposed root caught her foot and she pitched forward into the truck of a tree before coming to rest in a mount of leaves left from the prior fall. Oblivious to the pain in her leg and arm, the elleth gave into the grief that threatened to rip her apart.

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Anwakal (Q true light) – Min’s Teleri husband

A/N - Thanks MarzBar! I wanted Meril to be the one to figure out how to get through to Celebrian. She needs to find herself and realize she is stronger and smarter than her family has let her believe.

A/N - Hi Anne! I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Meril will need all the inner strength she has dicovered to get through the next few chapters, but I see a light ahead for her and Elrond!!! And tell that muse to hop to it!