In the Garden

Title: In the Garden, Chapter 20 (betaed)
Author: Sorsha
Fandom/Pairing: Elrond/OFC, others implied
Rating: R
Warning: AU (Story set several hundred years after ROTK in Aman); Het.
Feedback: Constructive feedback appreciated.
Archive: AFF; FF
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Lady Victoria for betaing this fic.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to Prof. Tolkien. A quick check of my bank account should prove I’m not making anything off of writing my stories. Sigh!
Summary: Life in the Blessed Land has not been so blessed for Elrond. Can the happiness that has long eluded him be found in the words of a red-bound journal, the help of his scheming friends, and the granting of a wish that none thought possible?

Chapter 20 --- Revelations

Hearing Elrond enter the room behind her, Celebrian turned to face the elf she had grudgingly agreed to marry many millennia ago. Seeing the placid, detached expression on his carefully composed face, a vicious sneer twisted her features as centuries of anger took control of her unstable emotions. “My dear husband, how nice of you to take the time to pay me a visit! Have you come to tell me you plan to have me removed from Lorien, as you plan to remove me from your life?”

Clamping down of his anger, Elrond tilted his head and replied in a calm voice, knowing it would infuriate her. “I was not aware I had such power as to dictate who may reside in these gardens… but no matter. I frankly do not care where you choose to live, provided it is not near me. As you have not been troubled with my opinions as to your… sleeping arrangements previously, I doubt they will trouble you now.”

“Oh, that is right… I had forgotten. You no longer find me desirable and do not wish to win me back. Perhaps, you have had enough time alone with your hand to develop some skill… your skills as a lover to an elleth were unremarkable, so I suppose it did take you many centuries to improve your technique with no one to guide you,” she taunted.

“I am sure you are right. You, after all, have had such extensive experience with a multitude of lovers, you must surely qualify as an authority at this point. For my part, I found little to arouse my passion for sharing a bed with you once I saw past your limited physical appeal,” he responded, his voice deliberately bland.

“‘Limited physical appeal’?! Of course I took lovers… I did not wish to die of boredom waiting for you to develop some semblance of passion and skill! It is well known I am considered the greatest beauty of Middle-earth. Only someone of your limited capacities could fail to see this!” she shouted. “You are only a half-elf, so I should not be surprised! Your polluted bloodline cost me my daughter!”

“You seem confused, dear wife on several points, so let me be clear. My ancestress Lúthien is considered the greatest beauty of Middle-earth… indeed the most fair of all the children of Eru. My daughter bore her likeness and came to share that title.” Focusing a cold and contemptuous sneer in her direction, he added, “The only title you might hold is greatest whore of Middle-earth, but that is merely the opinion of all that know you.”

Flying into a rage, Celebrian raised her hands, intent upon striking him. With little effort, Elrond pulled her arms to her side and forced her to sit in a nearby chair. “Calm yourself! Surely none of this comes as a surprise. You have been an outcast in Valinor for over two centuries for your conduct. You have openly lived with an elf that was not your husband. You paraded your adultery before the eyes of Aman, pawing and kissing him in public places. You have no pride or shame!”

“As for Arwen, your conduct cost you her love. She learned of your affairs while in Lorien grieving your sailing and was greatly hurt by your wanton behavior. She divided her time thereafter between Lorien and Imladris wanting to support me, as well as, her grandparents. On one of those trips, she met Aragorn, out of my sight and counsel. When she came home to Imladris, her heart was already lost to him.” Panting with the suppressed rage he had held inside for centuries on this point, he forced himself away from her, fearing he might strike her in his hurt and anger.

“Had you stayed and lived in honor of the vows you took before the Valar, she might well have been in Imladris when he came to me as a baby… helped raise him and come to think of him as her brother as the twins did. But you did not… and we will never know if any of that would have changed the course of her history,” he shouted, the pain of this thought still a raw wound to his spirit.

“You bring a mere mortal into your home… raise him as your son and dare to blame me for her decision to be counted among the Secondborn? You are not a true elf for you were not born to our life! I doomed my child by my foolish decision to marry one such as you!” she cried, boney fingers digging into the grain of the chair’s arms.

“Indeed we come to the heart of it do we not? You did not want to marry me any more than I wanted to marry you. But I took my vows accepting my choice and committed to the sanctity of our marriage. You did not. You lacked the courage to refuse to marry me for duty alone and lacked the honor to take your vows in truth! You knew full well any child of mine would have to choose their destiny and still you agreed to have children… too weak to refuse and too selfish to accept your responsibility.” Turning back to glare at her, he added, “As for whether or not Arwen would have chosen differently had you been there to support her as a mother should, again, we will never know. All I do know is she is dead and you abandoned us to go to Aman hoping to avoid the responsibilities of wife, mother, and Lady of the Imladris… as you ever did!”

Outraged, she glared up at Elrond, her fury twisting her features into a caricature of their former beauty. “You did not want to marry me? You lie! I was a great prize… far beyond what should have been your lot! Had he lived, I was destined to marry the High King and rule at his side as his Queen!”

Caught off guard, Elrond was unable to stifle the laugh her words produced. “Marry Ada? He found you shallow and vapid even then! Had he lived, there would have been no need to worry about the unity of the eldar of Middle-earth and you offered him nothing else to entice him. I, on the other hand, did not have the luxury of such a choice. I had my duty and I foolishly assumed marriage, a bond… children would help you finally mature and become a desirable companion. I was sadly mistaken, for you were incapable of committing to any of that!”

With a shriek of rage, she leapt from her chair. “A desirable companion? Ha! I was desired by all that saw me! Your own retainers wanted me… I saw it in their eyes!”

Laughing again, he smirked. “I will not waste my breath arguing that ridiculous point. My friends and family… you never understood that they are not ‘my retainers’, but my family did you? In any case, they are here and will gladly let you know what they think of you. In fact, they are quite looking forward to telling you… in great detail, as will Ereinion. I can hear them lining up in anticipation of the chance!”

“And, while I do not deny there were many that willing gave you a tumble, they were only interested in that… a tumble. Anyone that spends time with you quickly realizes there is nothing to you other than a pretty surface. Most elves expect more for there to be true desire,” he mocked, knowing he had lost the last of his control in the face of his long standing anger and bitterness.

“A tumble…” her derisive tone warning him of an attack.

“Excuse me… I forgot who I was talking to for a moment and used terms more respectful of a lady’s sensibilities. I meant fuck… they only wanted a fuck,” he inserted, the sneer firmly fixed on his face. “Does that clear up any confusion you might have had as to my meaning?”

“How dare you! You forget to whom you speak!”

Elrond stood for a moment studying his wife, the bitterness and self-hatred that was eating her away from the inside showing clearly in her sunken features. The fresh, breathtaking beauty she had possessed as a young elleth had long ago begun to fade, along with her spirit. Saddened by this realization he felt his anger subside for the moment. “Nay, I do not. I am talking to the greatest disappointment of my life.”

Sighing, he turned away exhausted and depressed. “I am sorry if you thought their regard for you was more significant. You were a married elleth, so they could not have even hoped to brag about their conquest for fear of being ostracized by our people. Adultery is a serious offense to our people. They only wanted sex, Celebrian, nothing more and you freely gave it. You betrayed me, our children, your parents… the Valar, but more tragically, you betrayed yourself. Until you face that, there is no hope for your recovery.”

-----

“I was worried we would have to intervene, but he found his control in the end and did well.”

“Aye, he did, thought he has so much bitterness still locked inside his heart. I had hoped we had helped him free himself of its weight, but it seems we have much still to help him resolve,” Estë observed, turning to face her husband.

“Did you listen to our conversation prior to his coming here, beloved? I finally understand he is in earnest… he will never accept her back into his life, even if we succeed in helping her finally take responsibility for her actions. If he must live alone, he will, for their marriage is over. She has hurt him too badly, shattered his trust too completely for there to ever be reconciliation,” Irmo mused. “I begin to think we would do them both a disservice to urge such a thing. He needs a new start and he cannot have it with her… nor can she with him. We both know some hurts go too deep to heal, they can only be set to one side so the person can again move ahead.”

“Do you think he is too wounded to ever be able to trust another?”

The Vala walked to one of the archways of the pavilion that overlooked the water and studied the play of moonlight on the smooth surface of the lake. Taking his time to consider the facts before him, Irmo let an answer form in his heart. “That is possible, but I do not think it is the case with Elrond. He has been fortunate to have the love and support of many good people in his life. I think, once he has freed his spirit of his anger and bitterness, he will emerge all the stronger for this sad experience. He will know Celebrian is the exception rather than the rule and be able to trust again. He is falling deeply in love… something I doubt he ever expected would happen given his history.”

Moving to stand at his side, Estë slid her arm around his waist. “So, my husband, can I assume from your comments that you have decided in his favor regarding his coming petition?”

“I have not made a final decision, beloved, but I am pondering the basic questions we must answer… did a marriage bond ever exist between them? If it did not form as it should have, is there even a marriage to end? Further, do we consign him to living alone forever… Meril, as well, for she will love no other save him, by tying him to vows he took in truth, but which Celebrian did not? And if Oromë is correct, do we ignore the bond forming between Elrond and Meril… something that bespeaks the blessings of the One?”

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“You are out late, Lirimaer. I must say I enjoyed hearing you play just now.” (lovely one)

Startled, Meril spun around to face him, shifting to slide to the edge of the large boulder where she had been sitting beside the lake. “Ai! Elrond! I did not hear you walk up!”

“I am sorry, Meril. I assumed you saw me returning from the pavilion across the way. I did not mean to startle you so,” he soothed, walking over to place a comforting hand on her arm.

A shy grin lit her face as she admitted, “I was lost in my music and should have seen your approach. I am fine… just on edge.” Looking up into his weary silver eyes, she asked, “Are you alright? I take it that your meeting did not go well from the grief in your eyes.”

Feeling the comfort that always came to him from her company, he moved to sit beside her on the boulder. “It was… difficult. She does not seem to have any grasp of the harm she has caused by her conduct. I finally saw what so devastated Galadriel and Celeborn yesterday. Her spirit is truly damaged… and more troubling still is the damage was wrought by her own hand. I truly begin to doubt we will save her.”

A gasp left her lips at his words. “She is… in that bad a state?”

“Aye, she is. I have been angry and bitter for so long. I finally had the opportunity to tell her exactly what I thought of her without fear of hurting my sons or her parents… was doing just that…” He came to an abrupt halt in the middle of his thought.

Covering his hand where it lay between them on the cool surface of the boulder, she pressed, “What happened, Elrond? Do not bottle your grief up inside you for you do not need to do that. I will listen. I may not have advice or words of wisdom to offer to aid you, but I will listen.”

Touched by her gentle comfort, he tilted his head to study her. Once again he was struck by the fragile beauty of her features, the warm blue of her eyes… the light that shone from her being. “I felt… sad and depressed. These feelings swamped me without warning and I… felt sorry for her. Celebrian has spent her entire life running away from her own life… running away from responsibility and commitment. She has finally run as far as she can and has nowhere else to go. I saw the terror in her eyes… like a wounded animal, snared in a hunter’s trap.”

Sighing, he let his hand turn so that he could grasp hers. “Do not think I am excusing her for what she has done, but… as much as she hurt us all, she hurt herself more. I was not prepared for that revelation… to see the utter ruin she has made of her life.”

Staring out across the lake, he confessed, “I have approached these past days assuming she would either fade or would be helped and would then go away to bother us no more. I can still walk away from her for we have no future together, at least none that I would want. But my sons… her parents do not have that option. I doubt she will be able to make decisions for herself for many years even if she does not fade. I had not let myself think in terms of the time this might take.”

They sat in silence for a long time, the unease of their spirits lulled into a temporary peace by the gentle sounds of the lake and the nearby woods. “Elrond, I must admit I have been wondering if she would recover quickly, given the state into which she had fallen when you brought her here. There is no help for this. Our family will need our support… which will indirectly support Celebrian. We will both be there for the twins and for my aunt and uncle for they deserve no less. The rest… what other choice is there?”

A soft smile lifted his lips as he turned his head to study her yet again. “I thought you said you had no words of wisdom to offer, Lirimaer? Those seem to qualify in my estimation.” (lovely one)

Smiling in return, she mused, “It must be the company I am keeping.”

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Thanks MarzBar! The Valar were discussing the dream Elrond and Meril shared that Irmo did not gift them. They may have figured out where it came from finally! Thanks for reading.