One prank to rule them all

One prank to rule them all, Part 2

By: Veasse (sirilner@yahoo.com)
Pairings: Elrond/ Haldir, Glorfindel/ Erestor,anduanduil/ Celeborn, Thranduil/ Rumil, Celeborn/ Galadriel, Lindir/ Gildor, GaladriOropOrophin, Elladan/ Orophin, Elrohir/ Legolas
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: AU, humour
Summary: The twins are bored and looking for entertainment. Life in Imladris will never be the same again.
Disclaimer: I do not own the elves; all belong to the late Mr. Tolkien. The descriptions of the sexual positions and articles marked with a (+) are from various issues of Cosmopolitan or from their very inspiring website.
Archive: yes, but please ask first
Beta read by Claudio
Thanks for Morgana for setting that plot bunny free!

Thranduil was laid in the large tub in the bathing area, enjoying the warm water and scented oils. It had taken ages to convince Celeborn that he had not been unfaithful. How could a grown up elf believe in horoscopes just like this! Thranduil needed some solitude and rest after all this turmoil.

Even worse, the damn horoscope had been right, but that must be a coincidence. No one knew about his little something with Rumil. He could not deny being in love with Celeborn, but the young elf was just so beautiful, so seductive. When he found out that Rumil was attracted to him he could not hold himself back. Besides, Thranduil fully understood why Rumil fell for him. After all, Thranduil was such a stunning elf. What a waste to restrict such beauty to one lover only, the king mused.

Sighing with pleasure, the king of Mirkwood grabbed the magazine he had put next to the tub. Reading in the bathtub always relaxed him. Flicking thh thh the pages, Thranduil came across the book reviews. Maybe they suggested something that was worth buying for his library. He would never admit it, but the fact that Imladris’ library was better stocked than his own did not please him at all. He knew that that sophisticated bookworm Elrond was lookiown own on him for being less intellectual.

“Herbal lore of Mirkwood”, of course he had that one. After all, one of his uncountable nephews had written that book. It was as boring as could be.

What else did they recommend? “The life and loves of Oropher”, “WHAAAAAAAAAT???????????????”, Thranduil screamed jumping out of the tub, nearly slipping on the wet floor.

He had banned that unspeakable book in Mirkwood as soon as he had had gotten hold of it, but how could anyone in Imladris have found out? This was too embarrassing and, worst of all, it was true. For millennia the royal family had managed to hide the fact that Thranduil’s sire was sleeping around with every pretty elf that came his way, no matter if male or female. His sexual conquests were numerous and sometimes Thranduil wondered how many brothers and sisters in all Elven realms and beyond he actually had. Rumour had it that Orohpher had even bedded mortals on occasion, Thranduil thought with a shudder.

Still, this had only been known by the royal family and some of the most trusted servants until this horrible book had appeared. The king had made all possible efforts to find out who the traitor was had had written the book, but even after months of investigation, his spies failed to come up with the name. Thranduil had bought all available copies at “The Gossipy Bookstore” in ‘Ln, hn, hoping that this would be the end of the story, but now he found out differently.

Oblivious to the fact that he was still naked, Thranduil rushed out of the bathing area to find Elrond. The Lord of Imladris musn thn this infamous book from his realm too. And he must forbid this magazine! This was the only thought Thranduil had as he ran through the corridors of Imladris, not noticing the amused giggles of elves as the naked king passed by.

“Ah, now I see where Legolas got his generous inheritance from”, Elrohir roared with laughter when his lover’s father ran past. Thranduil was so consumed by his anger that he did not notice any of the turmoil he caused on his way to Elrond’s study.

Not bothering to knock, Thranduil stormed into Elrond’s office. The raven-haired lord arched an eyebrow in surprise as he caught the sight of the naked and still wet king of Mirkwood in front of his desk. Elrond tried frantically to stifle the giggles that wanted to escape. In all of the 6.000 years he had lived, this was the first time that the king of another realm stood naked in front of his desk. Seeing the fury in Thranduil’s eyes, Elrond decided to ignore the fact that his opposite was naked. “How can I help you, Thranduil?”

“Did you see this?” the blond elf screamed, pointing at the book reviews in Elfopolitan.

“I am sorry, Thranduil, but I was busy all morning. I have not had time to read all of the magazine yet. What is the problem?”

Glancing at the page he could see the headline “The life and loves of Oropher”. Elrond knew exactly what this was about, but that he would not tell Thranduil. During his last stay in ‘Lorie had had purchased a copy of the book, which was now hidden safely under his mattress. The book was most interesting, especially if one considered that most of it was not gossip but fact. This was great blackmail material. But he had no idea how anyone else in Imladris could have found out. Little did he know that the twins had stolen the book from its hiding weeks ago and read it with great interest.

“THIS is the problem! How can you allow that someone publishes a magazine in your realm that is full of lies”, Thranduil was outraged. “I demand that you ban the book and that this magazine is forbidden.”

“The book can not be bought in Imladris anyway and very few of us go to ‘Lorien. And I will exerexercise censorship in my realm. You will have to live with this. Besides, as far as I know, you DO have at least seven half-siblings, don’t you?”

Thranduil fumed, his cheeks turning crimson with rage and embarrassment.

“Besides,’t y’t you think wearing clothes when running around Imladris would help more to restore your reputation than banning a book that’s not available here?” Elrond was merciless, and he was quite enjoying this.

Thranduil looked down his body, finally aware of his nudity. Without any other word he turned around on his heels, storming out of Elrond’s study. The raven-haired lord tried hard not to fall off his chair with laughter as Thranduil threw the door shut.

********************************

Haldir settled down under a tree in the garden. This was his favourite spot for relaxing. While Elrond had to work all day running Imladris, Haldir had time off. When Elrond had gotten up at the crack of dawn this morning the blond warrior had gone back to sleep to recover some strength after a night of exhausting lovemaking. He would need his stamina later when Elrond had finished his duties.

When he had finally gotten out of bed he decided to settle in the garden with a rather late breakfast (or early lunch) and a copy of that magazine everybody seemed to read.

The magazine looked interesting. “Lime is the new black”. This was stupid. Which elf of the right mind would wear clothes in lime and orange? No matter which fashion designer suggested that, a true Galadhrim would never wear such folly. He had to show this to Elrond later so that they could have a good laugh together.

Book reviews, how boring. Besides, he had already read the book on Oropher’s life and loves, like everybody else in ‘Lorien.

“The spy report”, that looked interesting. Haldir loved gossip, to him it was more or less the lifeline, well apart from sex, that was.

Love for books
According to a reliable source, several inhabitants of Imladris have been complaining about the inconvenient opening hours of the library. It seems that for the last few months, the library has been locked at night. When confronted with this, the office of Imladris’ chief advisor Erestor told Elfopolitan that this was due to security reasons. “Imladris has the largest library of Middle Earth with extremely rare books. We want to make sure that none of the books disappear at night”, said Erestor.
However rumour has it that the lockout is due to more personal reasons. According to our source, a high member of the Imladris security staff seems to have an insatiable appetite for sexual adventures in unusual locations. Apparently, of tof the favoured spots of a certain blond elf and his dark-haired lover is the library. Several sources have confirmed thcstacstatic moans can be heard from the library at night regularly. Elfopolitan suggest the installation of soundproof walls for the library.

Haldir sniggered. He had surprised Erestor and Glorfindel in the library some months ago during his last visit. While Glorfindel had asked him to join in, Erestor had been so embarrassed that the sight of a book had been enough to make to poor chief counsellor blush for weeks.

Mirkwood beauty secrets revealed
The idol of all elves concerned with their looks is without doubt the fabulous King Thranduil of Mirkwood. No matter where and when, his appearance is always impressive. Thousands of elves envy his style and appearance and had wished to appear immaculate after a long day in the woods or a tiresome ride, just like the king of Mirkwood. However, most elves have failed so far to emulate their idol. With the inside information of Elfopolitan this problem can be solved.
A source from the Mirkwood palace has revealed that the immaculate looks of king Thranduil are created through a few well-considered strategies. Highly important part of the king’s appearance is the wonderful river of golden hair that looks always as if His Royal Highness had just left the hairdresser’s.
First of all, the royal hairdresser takes care of the exquisite royal strands every morning, ensuring the regal look. According to inside sources this takes between one and three hours every morning, depending on the hairstyle the king chooses. In order to endure a hard day’s work, “Elven mist” shellac keeps the golden mane in place.
While this little secret can help all of our readers to keep their hair in place during the day, Thranduil’s fabled wealth allows him to rely on more sophisticated help also.
Our inside sources told us that the royal hairdresser is accompanying the king everywhere, from council meetings to archery practice and hunting to be able to step in whenever a strand of the royal coiffure gets out of place, creating the illusion of a “prefect for 24-hours a day” hairstyle.

Haldir laughed heartily. Everybody had suspected that Thranduil had more than a little help to ensure his impressive hairstyle, but so far there had been no proof. Thranduil would be furious that his little secret had been revealed.

The Lady goes north
According to our sources in ‘Lorien, the talans of the northern border guards are the most favoured among the Galadhrim. While shifts at the western, eastern and southern border of the realm are accepted only grudgingly, there is never any shortage of volunteers to protect the northern border.
Apparently this has to do with the responsibility of a certain silver-haired Captain for this section of the border. His reputation for sexual prowess is widespread all throughout ‘Lorien.
When asked about the regular visits of the Lady of the Wood to this location, the royal publicist of ‘Lorien informed Elfopolitan that this was due to the rare herbs found in this area. However, our inside talan source reveals that this has apparently more to do with this certain captain, who is serving the Lady of the Wood in absolutely every meaning of the word.

Haldir grasped for air. Being the March warden of ‘Lorien he knew very well who was in charge of the northern border. It was his brother Orophin! While he had been aware that Orophin was shagging every available elf in ‘Lorien and beyond, he had never imagined that this would include Lady Gaiel!iel! This time his brother had gone too far! Having sex with their boss’ wife! Or was it having sex with their boss? Haldir was never quite sure who was actually ruling ’Lorien. Come to think of it, it was having sex with their boss, as he had always assumed that it was Galadriel running ‘Lorien. Even Lord Celeborn seemed to be afraid of her.

Fuming with rage Haldir ran back to the house. He needed his bow to go to the archery range and let off some steam. After all, boss or no boss, Lady Galadriel was married to Lord Celeborn! One did not ruin the marriage of their Lord and Lady, especially not for a little sexual adventure! His brother was lucky not to be here, Haldir thought angrily. Otherwise he would have hit him here and now.

Reaching Elrond’s chambers Haldir kicked the door open only to face a startled Elrond staring at him.

“I thought I surprise you during my lunch break, my love”, Elrond smiled seductively.

Haldir was too outraged at his brother’s behaviour to care. “I could kill the stupid bastard”, he shouted. After some minutes Elrond was able to extract the most critical information from his lover to understand what was going on.

The raven-haired elf had to laugh. “Ah, I should have known that Galadriel would pay back! No one cheats on the Lady of the Wood without consequences.”

Haldir was confused. What was Elrond hinting at?

“Celeborn has been having an affair with Thranduil for centuries. He thinks Galadriel does not know, but that is stupid on his part. After all, I mean, one look in the mirror and he is done.”

Haldir raised and eyebrow in surprise. “Celeborn and Thranduil, are you serious? But I know that my youngest brother and Thranduil are having an affair also. In fact, Rumil says he is in love with Thranduil.”

Elrond nodded enthusiastically. “Aye, I know. Celeborn is cheating on Galadriel. And Galadriel and Thranduil are cheating on Celeborn. That I call balancing justice.”

“But it is still stupid on Orophin’s part to get involved with the Lady of the Wood”, Haldir did not give up his anger towards his brother that easily.

Elrond moved closer to his lover. “Your brother is more than 3.000 years old. He is responsible for his own actions. If he is stupid enough to get involved in this game he will have to deal with the consequences himself.”

“Aye, but…” Elrond silenced Haldir with a kiss.

“There are far more interesting things in this magazine than the gossip from ‘Lorien. Did you see the Karma Sutra section?”

Haldir looked at his dark-haired lover confused. Elrond turned a few pages until he came across a saucy illustration of two naked male elves. “This is the passion pretzel” (+), Elrond smiled wickedly. “Sounds like my kind of lunch.”

Haldir started to read.
How it's done: Kneel face-to-face, then each of you places the opposite foot flat on the ground and nudges closer, joining genitals. Leaning forward on your planted feet, both of you lunge back and forth for a slow, upright romp.
Why you'll love it: This picturesque pose is the ultimate in copulatory equality: You're both in the exact same stance and share the reins when it comes to rocking each other's worlds. And since both his and your arms are available, just think of the places -- backsides, testicles, nipples -- they can go. While there won't be a lot of in-and-out action, your slow torso-to-torso grind provides great contact and allows a gra gradual ascent to climactic cloud nine.

Elrond’s groin stirred hearing Haldir read with his low sexy voice. Smiling widely he looked at his lover, noticing that Haldir was growing hard too. Moving closer both elves glanced at the drawing that accompanied the description of the “passion pretzel”. Haldir grinned, this was indeed his kind of lunch.

********************************

Two weeks had passed since the magazine first had appeared in Imladris. Life in the Last Homely House seemed to be a lot more entertaining recently, especially for those not mentioned in Elfopolitan.

The ones who found their names in the magazine were not so sure, however. While Glorfindel had only laughed about the gossip involving him, Erestor and the locked library, Erestor had refused to come out of his chamber for three days. Elrond found this most unpleasant since he had to cover for Erestor and do his work also. Meanwhile, Glorfindel began to like the embarrassed Erestor, as the fact that he was already in his room made lovemaking a lot easier. After three days and trying out all the sexual positions mentioned in the magazine, Erestor decided to go back to work to get some rest. He had never been so sore in his life.

Ever since the magazine first appeared Thranduil had been throwing tantrums. First he had discovered the book review about that dreadful book on his father’s life and then they had revealed his beauty secrets. Running through all of Imladris naked had not helped either. While no one dared laugh at the Mirkwood King openly, Thranduil was aware of the sniggers and gossip. What annoyed him even more, Elrond pretended not to notice anything and therefore saw no need to reprimand any of his citizens.

Thranduil had been so caught up in his anger that he had completely overlooked the fashion section of Elfopolitan, a big mistake, as he was about to find out.

Elrond was the first one to receive his new clothes from the tailor. Putting on his new orange and lime striped velvet robe ookeooked into the mirror proudly. Haldir watched him from the bed, staring at his lover in disbelief.

With a radiant smile Elrond turned around. “What do you think, my love? Isn’t it fabulous?”

“It’s … ah…. nice….. really…. I mean…. YOU can wear that… seriously…. ah…..”
Haldir struggled to mask his shock at the hideous selection of colour. Surely Elrond must be colour blind.

Elrond beamed. “Aye, not everyone can wear that, but I can, can’t I? This will put the prissy Mirkwood King in his place. This time I wear the latest fashion and he does not.”

Haldir kept quiet, opting for a bright smile instead, hoping that this reaction would please Elrond.

Placing a kiss on Haldir’s forehead, Elrond left for breakfast.

All eyes turned on the Lord of Imladris when he entered the dining hall. Erestor choked on a piece of apple, staring at the lime and orange striped lord. “N….e…..w …*cough*…. ro…. *cough* … be…. He managed to say while Glorfindel patted his back.

Elrond smiled. “Aye, it’s the latest fashion. Dolcelf and Gabana say this is the must have piece of the season.”

Thranduil stared at Elrond. How dare he! Dolcelf and Gabana were his favourite designers and now he had missed out on the most important piece of clothing of the season. And of all elves Elrond had outshone him this time! This was not fair! After all, he was the stunning, flamboyant King of Mirkwood and this was only the boring and achromatic excuse of a ruler being in charge of Imladris.


****************************************

Over the next few days more and more elves were wearing their new clothing, slowly turning all of Imladris into a realm of lime and orange as more elves joined the new trend every day. Burgundy and gold, the colours of Imladris, had been replaced by lime and orange within no time, much to the irritation if Erestor, who refused to give up his black formal robes, no matter how insistent Glorfindel was.

“There is only one black and that IS black”, he told his lover several times. Much to Glorfindel’s disappointment, Erestor would not even wear the lime sleeping robe he had bought him as a present.

“I’d rather sleep naked”, was the only response Glorfindel got from his dark haired lover. On the other hand, if a lime coloured sleeping robe resulted in Erestor taking off his gear voluntarily, he would get one every day of the week, the golden haired Elda decided, before he commenced practising the sexual positions featured in Elfopolitan with his already naked lover.

Glorfindel loved the magazine. The positions featured in the Karma Sutra were exactly what he was looking for to spice up lov love life. Ever the adventurous one, he had tried out every one of the featured positions, no matter how difficult. After all, he was the Balrog slayer! He could do anything!

Erestor however, was not so convinced of their new adventures. Not only had the magazine increased Glorfindel’s appetite for sex even more, he insisted on the most complicated positions and even weirder places.

Last night they had made love in the kitchen with Erestor ending up upside down only steadied by his hands around Glorfindel’s waist and Glorfindel’s hands holding his buttocks firmly. And it was like that every night.

Erestor loved Glorfindel dearly and enjoyed their lovemaking, but he preferred it a little less frequent and adventurous. Besides, by now he was sore all over, even body parts that were not directly involved in their lovemaking.

Last week Glorfindel had decided that the prefect place for the “Randy Recliner” (+) was Elrond’s private balcony at four in the morning, because this was the only place to find the prefect reclining garden chair in Imladris, Glorfindel had insisted. Well, in theory this sounded good, even Erestor had to admit afterdingding the description in the magazine and looking at the drawing that accompanied it:
How it's done: Your guy lies back on a reclining lawn chair or on three backless chairs. Facing his toes, you straddle his lap with both feet planted on the ground. Then back yourself down onto his penis. As he lies back and enjoys the scenery, start moving your hips to begin your trip to Valinor.
Why you'll love it: Talk about a thriller view: This double feature provides an erotic eyeful for both of you. Plus, this novel entry angle gives you a sweet new sensation on the back wall of your anus. Meanwhile, you can fondle his testicles, his perineum (the area between his anus and his testicles) and your own penis in one long, slow feel with your free hand.

However, things had turned out to be far more difficult in reality when Elrond woke up to their passionate moaning and came out on the balcony to search for the intruders. They could prevent being caught through a hasty retreat down the stairs to the garden. However, in the rush Erestor misstepped and fell down the stairs. As if this was not bad enough he landed in one of the rose bushes planted at the bottom of the stairs.
The suspicious glance Elrond shot him in the morning when Erestor hobbled into the dining room, several nasty red scratches on his face, was even worse. Erestor hoped that the earth would open and swallow him up here and now. This had to stop!

His only hope was that once they had tried everythingt wat was featured in the magazine Glorfindel would calm down again. The more time passed the more he got his hopes up that things would be back to normal soon.

However, he had no idea that a team of highly qualified journalists were already working on issue two to be published exactly one month after the first one.

TBC