Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?

Again, I don’t have any rights to this shite. And the original fic is just that: shite.

Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Legolas/Boromir
NC-17. Interspecies Gay Serougrought to you by BBC Middle Earth (AKA SugaryLime’s laptop somewhere in Staffordshire. [End superfluous reference to place of residence]).

I am warning you now, this is long. Mostly, it’s just commentary. But there’s a lot of it. And seks. Did I mention there is seks? There’s seks. Oh, and a small reference to the brothers from Gondor getting it on.
__________
Chapter 2: Dissolved Resolve, or Legolas Gets Laid. (Seks!)


SugaryLime: I lied. There are only six more chapters, including this one.

Legolas: Thank fuck.

Boromir: Speaking of fuck-

Legolas: Boromir, you’re on my last nerve, I’m telling you.

SugaryLime: I am not putting up with your constant bickering this chapter! Now enough!


//
Chapter two.

****
//


Legolas: Ahhh! Asterisks! What’ll we do?

SugaryLime: [rolls eyes] Stupid Elf.


//
That night, Arsarmwen's father entered her room, a serious look on his face. "Arsarmwen," he started, gently embracing her in a fatherly embrace. "Arsarmwen, you cannot go on this journey like this."
//


Boromir: Good that he embraced her all fatherly-like. I mean, considering he’s her father and what.

Legolas: Fook, whit?

SugaryLime: Were you over at Captain Obvious’ MST during intermission?

Legolas: Yeah. Skydiver was there, and she left her knickers at my house last week.

Boromir: Is there anyone you don’t fuck?

Legolas: You.

Boromir: Cunt.

SugaryLime: Stoppit!


//
Arsarmwen looke at at Elrond. "Ada, I tho you you wanted me to go, that's why you made me go to this meeting." She said, slightly puzzled.
//


Legolas: Elrond figures maybe she’ll be killed along the way. Then he won’t have to keep trying to pawn her off on princes and politicians.

SugaryLime: So this explains why all the men in Middle Earth are gay. It’s to get out of having to marry Arsewen.

Boromir: Actually, it’s so we can nail Legolas. It’s sort of a contest. LegoLegolas: . . .


//
Elrond smiled down at his youngest. "No, I wish you to go, just you can't like this." At Arsarmwen's questioning look, he continued. "If orcs and the Enemy see a daughter of Elrond out there, they'll take you captive, torture you, and hold you for ransom."
//


Legolas: All the more reason to let her go like that, I say.

Boromir: He can’t have it look like he got her killed on purpose.

SugaryLime: She’s a Mary Sue, remember. She won’t be killed.

Legolas and Boromir: Fuck.


//
He hugged her. "you will need to cut your hair, wear tougher, more common clothes, leave all jewelry here, and you'll need to leave any accessories here." He said gently.
//


SugaryLime: Yes, leave your jewellery and your accessories behind. Orcs are known to attack anyone wearing earrings and hair clips.


//
Arsarmwen's hand immediately went to a gold bracelet that hung loosely nd hnd her right wrist. Her mother had givento hto her before she had left for the grey havens. "But, but, but, but Ada!" She complained.
//


Legolas: Um.

SugaryLime: Maybe the fact that she had to leave the bracelet behind will be significant later.

Boromir: I don’t think anything in this story is significant.


//
Elrond's face was set. "Yes, even if you bring that small trinket, they could recognize you." He said gently. "Yes, I know you've kept it to remember your mother, but what good would it do if it got you killed? I'll keep it here, and return it to you when you come back."

Arsarmwen trembled as her father took the bracelet off.
//


Legolas: Aha! He wants to keep the bracelet so when the bint carks it, he can sell the bloody thing.

SugaryLime: You’re a twisted bastard, aren’t you?

Legolas: Do you want to see just how twisted I can be?

SugaryLime: Yes. I think maybe I do.

Boromir: Um, the pairing is listed aegolegolas/Boromir,’ not ‘Legolas/SugaryLime.’

SugaryLime: I can change that.

Boromir: No one wants to read about you fucking Legolas. If there is some mentally deranged idiot that actually does, that one person can go read Every (Fan)Girl’s Dream.

SugaryLime: Heh. Shameless plug.


//
Elrond placed it gently in his hands. "Now, take your dagger and cut your hair." He told her.
//


Legolas: Oh, no! Not the fabulous colour-changing strawberry blonde hair!

Boromir: Oh, yes! The very same fabulous colour-changing strawberry blonde hair!


//
Arsarmwen made a face. "But, it'll come out all crooked." She said, then her resolve wilted at her fathers dark look. "Okay, I'll get to it." She said, standing up and getting her dagger from her storage area. It was a nice dagger, but not an especially fancy one.
//


SugaryLime: From her storage area? Like a bureau drawer or wardrobe, perhaps?

Legolas: At least the dagger wasn’t bejewelled and golden.

Boromir: It’s probably silver, seeing as how she hates silver.

//
//
Sitting down infront of the mirror, she slowly cut off a lock, making it so it was a few inches past her shoulders.

"No." Elrond said gently. "They sti still recognize you if you do that." He took the dagger and gently cut a chunk of her hair so it was just above ear level. "They'll have more troubles recognizing you this way."
//


Boromir: Elrond wants her to look like a boy, since that’s the only way Legolas would be interested in her.

Legolas: Fuck off.

Boromir: Articulate bastard, aren’t you? A good seeing-to would get some blood to the brain.

SugaryLime: Yeah, right to the head that Legolas thinks with most of the time.

Legolas: I’ve got half a mind to leave, and make you lot do this yourselves.

Boromir: That’s an improvement, half a mind.

Legolas: Arsehole.

Boromir: Yeah, can I fuck yours?

Legolas: No!


//
Arsarmwen nodded, then took the dagfromfrom him and cut her locks in the way he had indicated. It looked horrid to her, but did did it anyways.

Her father left, leaving her completely alone in her large chambers.

Once she was done, she looked in the mirror. Her hair was cut unevenly, and once she saw her appearance, tears started to well in her eyes. "It's horrid." She said to herself. "I look absolutely horrid!"
//


SugaryLime: Gee, you think it looked horrid?

Boromir: Absolutely horrid.


//
She tried to blink the tears from her eyes, then she sighed and got up. She walked out of her chambers, towards the tailor.
//


Legolas: I see she’s still got the sighing problem.

Boromir: [sighs] I’ve still got a problem. [points to rather impressive bulge in his breeches]

Legolas: I told you, Boromir, I’m no- holy fucking Manwë on a stick, that’s fucking huge!

Boromir: Heh.

Legolas: [entranced] muhh...

SugaryLime: Would you do something with him? We really need to get this chapter done.

Boromir: Gladly. Care to commentate?

SugaryLime: You bet your sweet bippy!

Boromir: I’ll take that as a yes, then.

SugaryLime: Okay, Boromir’s got Legolas’ leggings down, and he’s- oh fu-uuck. Seems Boromir’s not the only gifted member of the Fellowship. Anyway, now Boromir’s licking his fingers. Hang on, Boromir. " She asked warily. Some of her newly shorn hair-she had to cut it again the day before they left- was falling into her eyes, and she irately brushed it away. It had been doing that all day, and it was getting on her nerves.
//


Boromir: Wouldn’t the newly-shorn hair be what was left on the floor after she cut it?

Legolas: And if she’d been shorn, how the fuck is the hair getting in her eyes? Shouldn’t she be bald?

SugaryLime: Mary Sue Logic.

Legolas: Right.


//
Legolas smiled slightly. "I was just wondering. You seemed to be in a foul mood after we left." He said, brushing a piece of hair out of Arsarmwen's eyes gently.
rsarrsarmwen jerked away. "I was upset when leaving my brothers and sister." She said, frowning slightly.
//


Boromir: Aww, how twee.

Legolas: I know, and the stupid cunt can’t even appreciate it. Wait a tick! What the fuck am I saying? I mean, fuck you, Boromir.

SugaryLime: You had me worried for a bit.

Legolas: I think I’m okay now.ah, ah, I’m fine.


//
Two of the hobbits-she hadn't gotten a hold of their names yet-stopped looked up at her, walking with her. They were quiet, but just looking up at her intently.
//


Boromir: [as Hobbits’ names] Run, quick! She’s coming! Don’t let her get you!

Legolas: Was that supposed to be witty, SL?

SugaryLime: Eat it, Elf.

Legolas: That reminds me- thanks for the head job. Sorry I didn’t mention it sooner.

SugaryLime: Eh, no worries.


//
Arsarmwen smiled down at them, then looked up at the two men at the head of the group. They were talking seriously, almost looking as if they were arguing. "Who's that man Estel's talking too?" She asked. At Legolas's questioning look, she inclined her head."I am still not sure of the names of everybody in this group." She aded sed shyly.
//


Boromir: [as Arsarmwen] I’m Arse-wen, and I’m so beautiful. Can’t be fucked to learn anyone’s name, no sir.


//
The two hobbits grinned. "I'm Pippin!" One of them said energetically.

"And I'm Merry." Said the other. Arsarmwen grinned at them and their child-like disposition. "I see." She said, ruffling their hair. "Now what's the names of the other people in the group?"
//


Legolas: Pippin wanted to fuck in Moria, but I thought it was too much like paedophilia.

Boromir: But they’re the perfect height for headjobs.

SugaryLime: [glaring at Arsarmwen’s line] What are the names of the other people. Are, are, are!

Legolas: Okayyyy.


//
Legolas gestured towards the two other hobbits. "That's Frodo Baggins-the ringbearer-and Samwise Gamgee

"Sam's Frodo's gardener." Pippin piped up.
//


Legolas: He’s Frodo’s gardener, alright. Doing a little planting on the back lot.

Boromir: You’d think, if she’d been at the Council, she would at least know who Frodo was. She did swear to protect him and what.

SugaryLime: But that was two months ago. You can’t expect the sweet ickle numptie to remember something from that long ago, can you?

Boromir: Guess not.


//
Arsarmwen nodded as Legolas continued, pointing to Gandalf. "That's Gandalf the Grey, as you might already know." He said, a small crease of a frown gracing his face as he gestured towards the dwarf. "That's Gimli son of Gloin." He said, then pointed to the two men in front, one of them who Arsarmwen knew. "That's Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor." He said.
//


Boromir: How nice of you to introduce her to her own future brother-in-law.

Legolas: Let it never be said I’m not a gentleman.


//
Arsarmwen nodded her thanks, her eyes watching the two men.
//


SugaryLime: Her eyes were watching the two men. As opposed to her nose, or perhaps the big toe on her left foot watching them.


//
Aragorn she knew well, being as he was engaged with her older sister, but the other man was a complete stranger to her. "Boromir's the one who wanted to take the ring, isn't he?" She asked." She asked warily. Some of her newly shorn hair-she had to cut it again the dayore ore they left- was falling into her eyes, and she irately brushed it away. It had been doing that all day, and it was getting on her nerves.
//


Boromir: Wouldn’t the newly-shorn hair be what was left on the floor after she cut it?

Legolas: And if she’d been shorn, how the fuck is the hair getting in her eyes? Shouldn’t she be bald?

SugaryLime: Mary Sue Logic.

Legolas: Right.


//
Legolas smiled slightly. "I was just wondering. You seemed to be in a foul mood after we left." He said, brushing a piece of hair out of Arsarmwen's eyes gently.
rsarrsarmwen jerked away. "I was upset when leaving my brothers and sister." She said, frowning slightly.
//


Boromir: Aww, how twee.

Legolas: I know, and the stupid cunt can’t even appreciate it. Wait a tick! What the fuck am I saying? I mean, fuck you, Boromir.

SugaryLime: You had me worried for a bit.

Legolas: I think I’m okay now. Yeah, I’m fine.


//
Two of the hobbits-she hadn't gotten a hold of their names yet-stopped looked up at her, walking with her. They were quiet, but just looking up at her intently.
//


Boromir: [as Hobbits’ names] Run, quick! She’s coming! Don’t let her get you!

Legolas: Was that supposed to be witty, SL?

SugaryLime: Eat it, Elf.

Legolas: That reminds me- thanks for the head job. Sorry I didn’t mention it sooner.

SugaryLime: Eh, no worries.


//
Arsarmwen smiled down at them, then looked up at the two men at the head of the group. They were talking seriously, almost looking as if they were arguing. "Who's that man Estel's talking too?" She asked. At Legolas's questioning look, she inclined her head."I am still not sure of the names of everybody in this group." She aded sed shyly.
//


Boromir: [as Arsarmwen] I’m Arse-wen, and I’m so beautiful. Can’t be fucked to learn anyone’s name, no sir.


//
The two hobbits grinned. "I'm Pippin!" One of them said energetically.

"And I'm Merry." Said the other. Arsarmwen grinned at them and their child-like disposition. "I see." She said, ruffling their hair. "Now what's the names of the other people in the group?"
//


Legolas: Pippin wanted to fuck in Moria, but I thought it was too much like paedophilia.

Boromir: But they’re the perfect height for headjobs.

SugaryLime: [glaring at Arsarmwen’s line] What are the names of the other people. Are, are, are!

Legolas: Okayyyy.


//
Legolas gestured towards the two other hobbits. "That's Frodo Baggins-the ringbearer-and Samwise Gamgee

"Sam's Frodo's gardener." Pippin piped up.
//


Legolas: He’s Frodo’s gardener, alright. Doing a little planting on the back lot.

Boromir: You’d think, if she’d been at the Council, she would at least know who Frodo was. She did swear to protect him and what.

SugaryLime: But that was two months ago. You can’t expect the sweet ickle numptie to remember something from that long ago, can you?

Boromir: Guess not.


//
Arsarmwen nodded as Legolas continued, pointing to Gandalf. "That's Gandalf the Grey, as you might already know." He said, a small crease of a frown gracing his face as he gestured towards the dwarf. "That's Gimli son of Gloin." He said, then pointed to the two men in front, one of them who Arsarmwen knew. "That's Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor." He said.
//


Boromir: How nice of you to introduce her to her own future brother-in-law.

Legolas: Let it never be said I’m not a gentleman.


//
Arsarmwen nodded her thanks, her eyes watching the two men.
//


SugaryLime: Her eyes were watching the two men. As opposed to her nose, or perhaps the big toe on her left foot watching them.


//
Aragorn she knew well, being as he was engaged with her older sister, but the other man was a complete stranger to her. "Boromir's the one who wanted to take the ring, isn't he?" She asked. "Are you sure it's.wise to let him on this quest?" She asked.
//


Boromir: And the other man was perfectly content to remain a complete stranger to her. Really. The Elf, on the other hand, he would have liked to get to know better. Like over coffee after this fic.

Legolas: Sodding hell! I said I’d go with you. Fuck.


//
Pippin-or was it Merry-shrugged. "I dunno." Whoever it was said. "He seems sincere to the quest. And he's nice." He said, grinning amiably.

Arsarmwen smiled at him. "Thank you." She said, then looked at the other members of the fellowship. "I hope this quest goes good.

****
//


Legolas: Yes, I as well hope the quest that will possibly lead us to our deaths goes well. Cheers. Because even though Boromir wants to usurp the One, he’s nice, so we should all trust him with our lives.

Boromir: Do you always have to be such a fucking arsehole? Can’t you be nice for once?

Legolas: What, like you? Usurper.

Boromir: Why do I even try?


//
A few days later, Arsarmwen wasn't nearly so well-mooded. Her clothes were filthy, and Arsarmwen herself was the dirtiest she had ever been in her entire life. They were stopped for a night, and Arsarmwen was exhausted.
//


Boromir: You’re an Elf, and she’s an Elf, yet you remained spotless the entire time, while she did not. What the fuck?

Legolas: I’ve been ScotchGuarded™.

SugaryLime: Scotch? What? I’m busy figuring the Arsarmwen:every other word ratio.

Legolas: What is it?

SugaryLime: For this bit, 3:37.


//
But, exhausted or not, she s fel felt dirty.
//


SugaryLime, Legolas, and Boromir: [avoiding obvious joke]


//
She scrubbed her face with the water from a nearby stream, trying desperately to wash the dirt on her face that had seemed to get into her very pores, integrated into her skin.
//


Legolas: So, is she trying to wash the dirt on her face, or from it?

Boromir: Maybe she wants clean dirt.

Legolas: Maybe the author has no idea how to form a coherent sentence.

SugaryLime: I reckon that’s the case. She hasn’t got those Mad Grammar Skillz.


//
Her skin. Over the past few days it had gotten horribly burned, and was about the color of light elvish wine. She felt ridiculous.
//


SugaryLime: Elves get sunburnt?

Legolas: No, not generally.

SugaryLime: Ah. Okay.


//
Her hair felt matted as well, and she quickly scrubbed ash-soap through it, and that helped a bit, but not much.

All of this because of a stupid ring.
//


Boromir: The hair that had been cut off was matted. She’s got no fucking hair! She’s been shorn!

SugaryLime: Don’t say ‘shorn’ too loudly.

Boromir: Why?

SugaryLime: We’ll have every Scot in Scotland down here looking for the sheep.


//
She scrubbed some ash-soap onto her face, glad to see that it helped a bit with the grime that covered her.
//


Legolas: Didn’t we cover this a few lines ago?

SugaryLime: Lines? Who’s doing lines?

Boromir: Apparently the author of this piece of shite not-so-cleverly disguised as fan fiction. That’s the only excuse I can come up with for it.


//
She heard a deep set of footprints coming towards her, and she turned slightly.
//


Legolas: Deep sets of footprints are known to run rampant in some parts of Middle Earth. Thousands of innocent hikers are slaughtered each year.

SugaryLime: You’re so cute.

Legolas: [grins]


//
Boromir of Gondor was walking towards her. "Arsarmwen, Samwise has finished cooking." He said bluntly.
//


Boromir: How else could I say it? Beat around the bush a bit? ‘Oh, Lady Arsemaiden, um, dinner, well, you know, there could be, possibly, some food available to eat, I mean, well, if one were sclinclined.’ Fucking idiot.


//
Arsarmwen stood up, feeling heavy-hearted. She had talked to Boromir of Gondor a few times over the last few days, but it had been no more than polite words said at the right time.
//


Legolas: Is she going to always refer to you as ‘Boromir of Gondor?’ I mean, because that could get a little old.

Boromir: You’re just jealous because she doesn’t repeatedly call you ‘Prince Legolas Thranduilion of Mirkwood.’

Legolas: S rep repeatedly call me ‘daddy’ if I gave her five minutes.

SugaryLime: I can vouch for that.

Boromir: That she’d call him ‘daddy?’

SugaryLime: No, that he only needs five minutes.


//
But Arsarmwen had seen him reacting with the hobbits very well. He loved the halflings more than he loved his own kin, or so it seemed to Arsarmwen.
//


Boromir: No, that’s not true. Faramir and I get on quite well.

Legolas: Th wha what I’ve heard.

Boromir: What’s that supposed to mean?

Legolas: Oh, come on! Everyone knows you’re fucking his brains out.

Boromir: SugaryLime?

SugaryLime: Yeah, pretty much.

Boromir: Crap. Good thing Dad’s dead, eh?

SugaryLime: So are you.

Boromir: . . .


//
But then, she was no master at reading the expressions on the race of men's faces.
//


SugaryLime: No. This just won’t do. Try: ‘She was no master at reading Men’s faces.’ The capitalisation indicates we are referring to the Race of Men, and not just males in general.

Legolas: Good show, wot?


//
She did know he didn't get along with Aragorn very well, that was for sure. The two of them bickered and argued much more than they talked kindly.
//


Legolas: It’s all that sexual tension. Now that Arsarmwen’s in drag, Aragorn can’t stop wanting to fuck her silly.


//
Arsarmwen nodded at him, collected her ash-soap, and started walking back to the main camp. She could hear the hobbits talking merrily, and that cheered her up a bit.

Then, she saw the tall silhouette of Legolas stiffen against the fire, then all hell broke loose.
//


Legolas: My silhouette wasn’t the only thing stiffening, what with Aragorn around.

Boromir: Yeah, that man can take a good, hard pounding.

SugaryLime: Aragorn bottoms?

Boromir: [smirks] Only for me.


//
Orcs poured into the small clearing, their mockery of swords held high in the darkness.
****
//


Legolas: So what they had weren’t really swords?

Boromir: Nope. Just a mockery of them.

Legolas: Then why the bloody hell are we fighting?

SugaryLime: You’ll just have to find out next chapter, cos this one’s done.

Boromir: Then what’s that? [points to leftover text]

SugaryLime: Author’s Notes.


//
So.what did you think? Well, thank you to all of my reviewers.

Special thanks to AnimeWitch02, for her incredibly uplifting and enthusiastic reviews.

And, remember I love you all!

-Kazlitt
//


SugaryLime: See you all next chapter! Don’t stay out too late.