Never Offend the Lady

Fic: Never Offend the Lady LOTR mpreg (2/9) NC17
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@e...
Pairing: Elrond/Celeborn, Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas and light fluffy Galadriel/Arwen
Rating: NC17
Summary: Elrond 1st person POV. Giving into to fair Celeborn's sexy charmsds nds noble Elrond into serious trouble with a certain powerful female.
Feedback: Sure, bring it on, kids!
Content: M/M sex, implied consenting incest (but Elves hold this matter in low regard, or so an ancient voice whispereto mto my eager ear), emotional distress
Disclaimer: All words and deeds are complete fiction from my sick little old mind. Names borrowed simply for entertainment. I love them all and merely let them play under the
lovely, ancient trees.

*********************************

Laughing drunkenly I shook my head. Come now, I didn’t get drunk! I didn’t! I was too damned ancient to get drunk! But here I was, staggering around my room; mmm, this felt so hilarious! What a strange sensation. I felt merry, light and giddy, yes, I think I felt this way back before... before... oh, who knows! It had been too long. I liked feeling so deliciously free.

Chuckling in delight I staggered around my ornate guest suite, my long numb fingers desperately trying to undo my black robe’s decorate velvet frogs. This was madness! Yes, yes, had to ask Galadriel for that amazing secret recipe. After a few bottles of that potent brew the Rivendell Elves would be swinging through the tree branches. What a delicious party!

My door banged open, interrupting my silly thoughts. Glancing over I gasped in drunken alarm. No. "Celeborn!"

Shutting the door my glorious tall Celeborn marched across the room, his firm arms pulling me close against his hard body. "Elrond, you are the most intoxicatingly perfect immortal Middle Earth has ever known. I don’t care who knows it but I adore you, Elrond, my sweet, delicious half-Elf." A wet sloppy kiss rolled across my entire surprised face.

Struggling in Celeborn’s intensely seductive grip I pulled my startled face from his hilariously sticky tongue bath. "Celeborn, come now, are you completely mad? What about..."

"My dear magical old wife? Ha, I listened by her door and heard old Galadriel snoring." Celeborn’s lovely eyes widened in alarm. "Oh, please, my love, never tell anyone about Galadriel snoring. She’d maim me for that indiscretion!"

We started laughing again. Relaxing against me Celeborn coyly winked at me. "So unless spying Haldir is hanging from his knees from a tree branch no one will know that I am in your room!" Celeborn shook his pristine golden head. "By the Valar I don’t know what that wily old bat put in her extra-special mead but the brew tasted amazing! I feel glorious." A silly giggle broke from my lover’s dear lips. "Ha ha, judging from the intense noise coming from your sons’ room pretty pale Legolas won’t be able to walk for an entire week."

Despite my fear of discovery my own loud drunken laughter wouldn’t stop. "Oh love, I can only imagine! Maybe we should go borrow that sweet little prince before my over enthusiastic sons break him."

Growling softly Celeborn slammed his crotch to mine. His strong erection teased me. "Oh no, you lusty Elf, tonight you are mine alone. You can discover Legolas’ many charms once you return home. While you’re in my realm you are all mine."

Grinning airily I mocked Celeborn. "Whose realm?"

Celeborn narrowed his glorious gray eyes in playful anger. "You wicked Elf you shall pay for that grave insult." Celeborn laughed before his full lips returned to beating against mine.

Seizing the opportunity I lunged forward, sending us both to my bed. Laughing in delight we rolled around, fiercely kissing like we only had minutes to live. Shoving Celeborn against the bed I reared back. Oh to hell with undoing my robe! My long fingers simply ripped the fabric from my lean hard body before I did the same to Celeborn’s white robe.

My strong hands slammed against my lover’s graceful broad shoulders. "Now, my sweet Celeborn, let’s see who can break the other first."

Gripping my love’s lithe hips I buried my hot flesh deep into his accepting, oh so eager body. Cooing in hilarious pleasure Celeborn arched up to me, his lovely face a mask of perfect lust. His hard warm body bucked under me, urging me to pound even harder. I had no trouble granting his wish.

We both kept laughing in drunken merriment. Yes, amazing, I felt like I had the sexual power of one hundred Elves swirling through me. Yes, I must discover that mead recipe!

Yes, ha, his was going to be quite a night.

************************************************************

Sweet sweaty hours later we lay in a sprawled pale tangle, hardly unable to move. Our faces nuzzled each other’s necks while our long slender fingers still languidly stroked and caressed through our long silken hair.

Ha, I lost count of who had taken whom. During our sexual frenzy we rolled about like two rutting cats, exchanging places, dominance and even falling off the grand bed a few times. My throat felt raw from laughing so hard. That wicked mead had totally released all our inhibitions, (not that we had many to begin with), so it felt perfectly lovely to be raped by my suddenly aggressive Celeborn. I uly wly wasn’t much for being on the receiving end of anyone’s demanding cock. But ahh, under the mead’s magical influence I relished every position we tried. Nice to know I was still amazingly flexible.

Yes, there had been one move that I still couldn’t quite comprehend. Celeborn’s long slim legs shouldn’t have been able to bend that way! Ha!

During our wild sexual marathon I discovered my Celeborn was a dedicated shoulder slasher. Good thing I healed in a blink or I’d be wearing bandages. My lover discovered I was a frantic chest biter. His pale fine flesh tasted like a cool green forest spring.

We totally forgot we were conducting a secret tryst. After our amplified performance we might be discovered. By the Old Gods, I didn’t care. I felt too satisfied to care.

We both discovered a new plane of pleasure that I never thought possible.

But I must admit my head still spun from the potent mead. Still, what we enjoyed was worth the ill effects. Get that recipe!

What the... Slow measured clapping suddenly echoed in my ringing ears.

Jerking up from licking Celeborn’s smooth cheek I froze.

Oh no. Galadriel.

And the Lady wasn’t smiling anymore.

Celeborn choked in breathless shock, he scuttling away from me. "Galadriel!!"

Hmm, we were in serious trouble. Yes, Galadriel perched on a low couch, her slender body wrapped in a pale silver robe. As her wide blue eyes coldly swept over us I mentally groaned. This was ugly. Swallowing deeply I quickly scrunched the tangled sheet over my cock. That gesture made me feel little better.

Galadriel’s rich voice carefully bit off each stiff word. "My husband, how nice that you still remember my name. I must say, Celeborn, you’re very controlled; not once during your epic passion did you slip and call my name out. Hmm, I’m a touch wounded. You truly have forgotten all about me."

Trying to shake the sexy dense fog infecting my lust-compromised brain I sat up. Hold, did I hear Galadriel correctly? "How long have you been sitting here?"

Pursing her lips Galadriel steepled her elegant fingers under her pointed chin. Her icy look made my balls want to crawl into my powerful body. "Mm, Elrond, long enough. I thought why not go see how my special mead affected you both? I must confess I’ve never seen such a potent performance from my gentle Celeborn. I should have come up with my special recipe a few thousand years ago when I still cared about what clever tricks he could perform in my bed."

My already aching throat tightened. No, these did not sound like the words of a female who didn’t care what her mate did. No, this sounded like an extremely jealous, deathly powerful immortal female. Yes, suddenly my sexy night promised to turn as foul as an Orc’s breath.

Feeling too compromised to fight I decided for complete honesty. "Galadriel, Celeborn and I have felt deep, passionate emotions for each other for centuries. We... only acted now since we thought you didn’t care so you wouldn’t be hurt." I quickly glanced at my ancient lover. Come on, sweet Celeborn, help me here.

Instead my trembling Celeborn pushed himself up against the carved wooden headboard, his wide gray eyes filled with sick apprehension. He wouldn’t meet my stern glare. Fine. Desert me. Leave me to argue with your jealous mate who never liked me. This was not how I wanted this spectacular evening to end.

Galadriel narrowed her shimmering blue eyes at me. "Whw inw interesting. Now Elrond, why would you think I didn’t care what Celeborn did?"

Err, blurting out "because Celeborn told me so" would make me sound like a naive old fool, and although that was my reasoning, I wasn’t displaying my foolishness. Instead now I decided to attack. "Because, Galadriel, I understand you’re interested in my Arwen."

To my surprise Galadriel actually smiled at me. "Ahhh. Yes, my fair granddaughter, unlike my unfortunate disgraceful grans, hs, has much potential and grace. Yes, I see much of myself in her." Galadriel paused a bit, her smile turning hard. "Yes, dear Arwen must take after the Elves while your sons must have too much human blood from you in their corrupt veins."

You nasty old witch! That was a cheap shot. I frowned, my woozy mind still comprehending that Galadriel actually called my children her grandchildren. She never, never called them that. Never. They never acknowledged her as such. It just wasn’t done.

Before my confused mind could supply a pithy retort Galadriel shot another bizarre question at me. "But tell me, Elrond, is Arwen married?"

What? "Of course not. You know that fact."

"Betrothed?"

"No."

"Ahh. So who am I hurting with my casual flirtation?"

"Celeborn?" Ack, I did not want my love’s name to come out as a question. It made me sound indecisive. Damn, I began feeling a little apprehensive.

Galadriel smiled again; oh, once I saw a sweeter smile on a rampaging Orc trying to take my head off during battle. "Pish, Elrond, my dear Celeborn wouldn’t if if I slept with every Elf in Lorien."

My befuddled brain wasn’t appreciating this little conversation. The concept of sitting here naked in bed arguing with the wife of the Elf whom I had just enjoyed heated sex with was completely ludicrous. By the way, full stop, this enraged female also happened to be your powerful, dangerous ex-mother-in. Ou. Ouch. Madness, yes, total insanity. No wonder my old head throbbed.

As I mentally fumbled I tried forming a question. "Then why do you care if..."

Galadriel coldly cut me off; ahh, I was glad my cock was hidden under the sheet. I almost wanted to hold my flesh. "Because I do care. Celeborn is mine. You, Elrond, have violated my husband and you have gravely insulted me in my very house. But you don’t surprise me at all."

What nonsense, Galadriel! Coow, ow, you were seducing your own granddaughter, but in reality that didn’t matter. It didn’t bother me; why should it? We weren’t like humans; we lived too long to hold to such tiresome conventions.

But the Lady’s insults were beginning to really irritate me. Arching my right brow I treated her to the same cold tone. "I think not. I violated no one. Dear Celeborn came to me of his own free will. How sad, Galadriel; you treat Celeborn like a feeble child, worse, you treat him like a possession. No wonder my poor lover seeks out others for affection."

Celeborn released a strangled little gasp, his lovely gray eyes widening in alarm. I shot him a hard glare. Oh shut up, you cowardly immortal. I was trying to defend your ancient honor.

Galadriel gracefully rose from her perch on the low couch, she merely shrugging off my insulting words. "As you wish, Elrond. Now I wish for you, your pathetic, immoral tainted sons and that blond Mirkwood disgrace to leave Lorien. Now."

Ha, now the regal bitch was trying to order me around? Sorry, dear, I still owned a spine. Releasing a calculatedly insulting yawn I shook my head. "No, my dear Galadriel, I think not. I’ll leave when it’s light."

Galadriel cocked her head at me then she shrugged again, the expression in her wide shimmering eyes appearing almost amused. "Ah well, it really doesn’t matter." Holding out her elegant pale hand she stared steadily at Celeborn. "Come, mate."

To my dismay Celeborn slunk from our sex-rumpled bed, he hastily pulling his ripped robe over his glorious pale nakedness. Whirling back toward me his full lips worked for words. "Elrond, I..."

Galadriel made her next harsh words into lethal weapons. "Come now."

Casting one last helpless stare at me a cringing Celeborn followed Galadriel from the room.

Groaning in anger I flopped back to the bed. Now this was a fine mess. Well, Elrond, that’s what you get for thinking with your cock instead of your sharp brain. And truth of the matter was I certainly was old enough to know better.

Yes, I certainly was. And so was Celeborn.

But how sad to learn that the graceful male I had flirted with for all these years was such a spineless coward. Ah, I suppose dealing with Galadriel for these endless centuries simply sucked all the fight from my Celeborn. A pity. A classic case of the weak attracted to the powerful. I should have senst; lt; look how attracted Celeborn was to me.

Odd, even after all that sick drama I still lusted after my poor Elf. Perhaps if Galadriel felt angry enough she would throw Celeborn out. I’d certainly welcome poor Celeborn into my home. Yes, I must somehow let my lover know I wasn’t disgusted with him.

Well, in truth I was but... I could forgive him. I understood the survg wig with Galadriel challenge. Thank the old Gods her lovely daughter had been nothing like her.

A rueful laugh escaped my stern tense lips. Ha, I supposed I wasn’t getting that mead recipe anytime soon.

But even though I still felt drunk something intensely bothered me. I felt like Galadriel had given in too gracefully. I knew she wouldn’t truly attempt anything drastic against me but I expected more of a battle from the insulted Lady. And that last little amused glance alarmed me more than any of her cold words. That false glance told me this issue wasn’t finished.

I supposed the Lady planned on making Celeborn suffer for our transgression.

Poor, poor Celeborn. I pitied my halpless love.

Sliding my head up to a pillow I stretched my weary body. Oh well, I might as well try and rest before the dawn. My eyes closed effortlessly. Yes, I felt extremely exhausted.

Underneath my exhaustion I still experienced a simmering uneasiness.

************************************************

After rising late the next morning I barely had the energy to braid my hair. But I refused to walk around Lorien without my braids of rank in my thick black hair, especially after what happened last night. Once finished I drug myself down to the same small dining room. The past mornings the retainers had set up breakfast for us. I wondered if they would do that this morning? I truly needed a soothing cup of mint tea. I was ashamed to admit it, but I felt extraordinarily queasy this morning. I never, ever felt sick. Never. Elves didn’t get hangovers! This was ridiculous.

I still wanted to know what was in that alarming mead.

Entering the room I smiled in shocked surprise. How gracious; the retainers had still laid out breakfast for us. Interesting.

Yes, wait a minute, the sight bothered me even more. Galadriel was still being gracious to us?

Why?

You old fool, stop acting so suspicious. We were all mature immortals here. Even Galadriel wouldn’t be so childish to deny her guests breakfast. Now what she would do was spike our food with something horrible. That detail I had no doubt of, no, that was true. Even though the assorted cold treats looked tempting I restrained myself to a cup of the tea and an apple.

I had the most hilarious impulse to pour the tea into a nearby potted fern and see if the plant withered and died. No. Ha, it was amazing how a hangover made one paranoid. Well, come now, one didn’t last centuries without a strong, steely sense of hard self-preservation.

Sitting at the table I looked up, hearing low voices at the door. My twins entered, but no Legolas trailed behind them. Ha, my usually beautiful Elladan and Elrohir looked worse than I felt, their elegant faces a dead, unhealthy white. Dark purple circles stained the delicate skin under their puffy eyes. Poor dears.

Elladan shot a lopsided grin my way. "Good morning Father; well, perhaps I should merely say morning. It’s not such a good one."

My chuckle gently teased them. "Hmm, are my boys feeling a little compromised from that magical mead?"

Elrohir swiftly rolled his wide gray eyes. "Oh yes, Father, compromised indeed. I barely remember what happened last night; well, I do remember the stunningly glorious moments." He playfully winked at his grinning brother.

I felt sure those moments involved turning sweet elegant Legolas inside out. "Where is our fair Prince?"

Both twins snickered. "Our dear Prince is a little more compromised than we are so we left him sleeping."

Sighing I shook my head. "Well unfortunately I must advise you to shake sweet tender Legolas from his healing slumber. We’re leaving this morning."

Elladan and Elrohir both groaned in shocked dismay. Elladan gazed woefully at me, he looking like a sad, whipped long-haired puppy. "But why, Father? Today I simply planned on relaxing all day, not bouncing atop horseback on the way toward Rivendell. Please, that dreary effort sounds so unappealing."

Elrohir echoed his brother. "Yes, Father, why are we leaving so suddenly?"

Before I opened my lips Elladan clapped his long graceful fingers to his lips before groaning in further dismay. "Oh by the Star we’re being thrown out, right? Oh damn. Is Galadriel that furious at how we acted last night? I knew she felt annoyed at us for acting a tad rude but surely she’s not that angry with us?"

Bah, I couldn’t be cruel and let the lad think our hasty banishment was entirely his fault. If I did that then I would indeed prove a wicked father. Biting my lower lip I sighed again. "Well, that’s part of it, but I am ashamed to admit we’re being thrown out due to me."

Both twins gaped at me in beautiful mirrored shock. Gods, I had such lovely sons!

Once Elladan snapped his shocked lips shut he narrowed his sharp light eyes at me. "Father? My word, what did you... oh, oh no, oh by the Valar Galadriel caught you with her Celeborn."

Yes, my Elladan was the sharper of the two handsome lads. Ha, so much for being secretive. My smile felt slightly sick. "Erm, were we that obvious?"

Elladan shrugged a bit. "Only to us because we know you so well. You see, Father, you have been acting extremely content and almost mellow so we thought something wonderful must have happened to you. Then we saw how dear sweet Celeborn gazed so longing at you so it wasn’t hard to grasp the affair."

"Does Arwen suspect?"

Elrohir let a little sneer distort his thin lips. "Ha, dear, precious, oh so perfect Arwen is too caught up in trying to impress Galadriel to notice anything else in Middle Earth."

I shook my head. "Now son, stop picking on your baby sister."

Elladan looked annoyed. "Why? Our overbearing sister delights in pointing out what she calls our major personality flaws. Just because Arwen wants to be practical and boring doesn’t mean she has the right to condemn us for acting alive." Now my son couldn’t contain his amused grin. "Although Arwen and Galadriel flirting stuns me. Yes, Father, why would Galadriel be so angry at you dallying with Celeborn when she’s doing the same with Arwen?"

My aching head throbbed a bit harder. "Err, son, let’s just say that’s what caused the major argument last night."

Elrohir’s lovely eyes widened. "Oh no, Father, did the Lady actually catch you two together?"

Hmm, now Elrohir proved perceptive. How fine; at times I worried about his skills. But in reply I released a set-upon little sigh. Oh well, If I didn’t tell these curious boys the truth they’d badger me all the way home. "Even worse Galadriel actually sat and watched us."

Seeing their dumbfounded expressions made me laugh in delight. Ouch, that made my head hurt.

Elladan released a low whistle filled with sincere admiration. "Really? Oh. That is sooo evil. Impressive."

Elrohir paused in reaching for a plate. He bit his lower lip. "Erm, should we skip tood ood this morning?"

We all had to laugh. Yes, looked like self-protective paranoia ran in my side of the family. Ha, how human of us.

************************************************************

My sweet gentle Arwen expressed surprise at our hasty departure. I felt vastly relieved that Galadriel hadn’t told my daughter anything negative. As we embraced I murmured some nonsense about an urgent meeting back at Rivendell. I felt bad lying but I’d feel worse if Arwen knew what I had done. I still felt protective of my baby girl’s sensitive emotions.

I had no idea where Arwen got her sensitivity from; her dear mother had been as fierce as Galadriel, but not nearly as annoying. No, not even a hair as annoying. Like I said, I think my dear Celebrian definitely took after her father, which is probably why I was so drawn to fair, gentle Celeborn.

No, I could never live with a voracious creature like Galadriel. Ha, we would have strangled each other in a week.

Sitting atop my horse I watched poor Legolas slowly limp to his own steed. The pale Prince could barely walk. When he attempted to swing himself up on his horse he didn’t make it. What in the Old Gods names did my inventive twins do to the pale pretty creature?

Seeing their lover’s predicament Elladan and Elrohir were gallant enough to help Legolas into his saddle. Once in place Legolas released a bit off yelp of sad pain, his thin hands clutching the horse’s black mane. Yes, Legolas must truly be injured; he should have healed by now. Poor thing.

Sensing my compassionate eyes on him Legolas managed a thin trembling smile. "Well, Elrond, my judgmental Father always warned me that my wayward habits would get me into trouble. I am sure he’s laughing at me right now."

"If he saw this particular situation he’d laugh at us all." My last words, "the cranky, self-righteous bastard" echoed only in my mind. Yes, I completely detested Thranduil due to his narrow-minded view of the world. In his bigoted mind all other Elves except the pristine Mirkwood Elves were decadent, pleasure-seeking, immoral immortals.

Too bad. Although I mudmitdmit my glorious sons were on the extreme side.

Oh well, perhaps over the next few centuries they would level out. Then again, they might become worse. Hard to tell with my two wild ones. Still, they weren’t hurting anyone so what did it matter?

Well, ha, perhaps poor pale Legolas might feel differently.

Suppressing a wicked smile I gestured toward the path. "Shall we, gentleman?"