Fuck! The Mary-Sues And Their Mates Are After Us!

Title: Gay Shagging Cat And Mouse In The GSC Mansion
Series: "Fuck! The Mary-Sues And Their Mates Are After Us!" 2/?
Author/Email: Captain Obvious / gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk
Pairing: It would be pointless to tell you.
Rating: R. Yes, indeed.
Summary: Basically, it's like an Anti-Vengeance. Well, all right...it's turning into more and more of a Vengeance rip-off. *snogs Nisi* Well, you shouldn't have such good ideas, should you? The Mary-Sues, or just people that piss us off or make us laugh, come looking for us. Biatches.
Disclaimer: It would be laughable to think this was true. Although we did get threatened with sue-age so...yeah. Maybe. Except for all the boyseks, naturally. Which is a complete soddin' lie. Bah.
Feedback: The GSC have a garden FULL of bunnies that desperately need food. Anything you can do to help is appreciated. Send all donations to Rolf Harris.
Website: www.freewebs.com/gayshaggingcats
Author's Notes: See Part One for all author's notes, as they are quite extensive and it would be silly to reproduce them.


Zelena Shelby groaned as she came round. She tried to lift a hand to her head but found that she was tied to a chair. "were am i," she moaned. She looked through bleary eyes at her surroundings. The first thing she noticed was that she was not alone. Her eyes widened when she recognised Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd watching her, both with AK47s in their hands. But something was wrong... Billy was sat on Dominic's lap and Dominic's arm was wrapped round his waist, hand stroking the inside of Billy's leg.

Zelena stared, about ready to burst into tears. "no!" she cried. "that isnt right! you guys r so not gay! stopi t! stop being faggets!" And then she really did cry, because Billy had cocked his head to one side and Dom's mouth was fastened to the side of his neck. And she cried even harder when Orlando entered the kitchen and kissed both of them on his way to the fridge for more beer. It was one of those big American-style refrigerators with silver doors, and it was covered in Lord of the Rings magnets and a giant-sized Legolas poster. Evil had bought it, because it had always been her dream to have a huge American-style refrigerator. And the fact that it was covered in a giant Legolas poster had nothing to do with Sonja, oh no.

Orlando stopped and admired the poster for a minute and, when he thought no-one was looking, he kissed it wetly.

"Stop pashing that poster," said Kerreh, entering the kitchen. She also kissed Dom and Billy on her way to the fridge, and pulled Orlando out of a passionate snog with 2-D Legolas. "I said stop that. You're making a mess of it. Sonja'll kill you. Once she's finished killing Sean for beating her at Twister."

"Can I kill Sonja for telling me Veevs' birthday was today, then?"

Kerreh shook her head firmly. "Of course you can't. She's indestructable. I thought you knew that. You only have to wait one more night then you can do your lapdance first thing in the morning. After you've given us all our Valentine's Day shags, of course." Orlando gave her a 'look'. "What?!" She cried. "It's not my fucking fault you're bi, is it? Anyways, you promised!"

Elijah came in then, to ask where Orli had got to with the beer. And Zelena nearly choked with crying and gagging when Orli turned into the younger man's arms and started kissing him with tongues. She willed herself to fall unconscious when Orli's hand slipped inside Elijah's jeans. When Elijah moaned softly, she screamed, drowning out the sound. Billy hopped off Dom's lap and strode over to her, clapping a hand over her mouth. She stared at him, wild-eyed.

"Shut the fuck up," Billy said. "You're disturbing the party." She nodded and he took his hand away.

"whatre u gonna do wit me," Zelena asked. "R u just gonna keep me hear?"

Billy shook his head. "What on earth would we want to do that for? We're just keeping an eye on you till the birthday celebrations are over, then we're going to give you some English lessons, then you're going to get in your car and drive far, far away and forget this ever happened. Except for the English lessons part. They're very important."

The rest of the Gay Shagging Cats Team came in then. Sonja had a firm grip on Sean's hair and she was screaming while he tried to give her an Indian burn. Nisi and Evil were holding hands with Craig, who was stood between them. Veevs was just looking very calm and cool. As always. When Nisi and Evil both leaned across Craig to kiss each other...that was when Zelena lost it.

"ok u faggets! let me outta here! the jocks gon far enuff!!!!! your all brittish gay @$$holes! i h8 u!"

Sonja stopped screaming at Sean and stared at Zelena instead. "What did you say?"

Zelena took a deep breath. "i sed your all @$$holes and i h8 u!"

Sonja shook her head, looking at the others. They all shrugged and looked blank. Sonja turned back to Zelena and sighed. She spoke slowly and patiently, as if she was talking to a small child. "What I mean, Zelena, is what the hell did you say? It's just...those symbols...it made no sense. Is it a foreign language? A language from outer space? Are you, as most of us suspect, an alien from Mars?"

Zelena was about to roll her eyes but Nisi stopped her just in time. "how do u no who i am anyway?" Zelena wanted to know.

"The reviews you left for that fucking Mary-Sue. Honestly, did you really think changing your name would fool us?"

Zelena nodded, miserably.

"Of course you did. That was a silly question. You wanted to know what we'd do if someone left bad reviews for our stories, didn't you?"

Evil looked up from where she and Nisi were kissing Craig's bare chest. "Well," she said. "I think we'd just have to go and cry our eyes out if someone did that. Bad reviews upset us like nothing else." Beside her, Nisi laughed.

"Oh yes, they make us suicidal. We just....well, we don't know what we'd do if we ever got a bad review."

"butt i given u a bad reveiw!" Zelena exclaimed.

Veevs looked at her critically. "I think we need to give her lessons in sarcasm and irony t"
"

"Good idea," Sonja said, smiling lovingly at Veevs. "Come on, people. The kitchen is getting crowded and the beer's going warm. Everybody back to the party. Except you, Elijah. You can stay here and keep watch on her."

"I thought Dom and Billy were doing that! They're even dressed for it!" Elijah pointed at Dom and Billy who were wearing sharp black suits and shades.

Evil looked up from Craig's nipples. "Elijah, stop whining. And don't pout at me, either. Look, it'll only be for another couple of hours then that security bloke we hired should show up and you can come and shag Orli senseless."

"Why can't Orli stay and help me?"

"Because his tongue has an appointment with Craig's toes. That's why."

Elijah sat down moodily and picked up Billy's abandoned AK47. "Fine. Whatever."

Evil took pity on him and promised him that she'd send someone in every ten minutes to give him a snog. He seemed to cheer up a little at that, and watched them all leave before returning his attention to Zelena. She smiled hopefully at him.

"Your a nice gay," she said. "will u let mee go?"

Elijah stared at her, waving the AK47 around. "I'm *not* a nice guy, okay? I'm the baddest motherfucker on the planet so just shut up and sit still and you won't get hurt. Okay?"

Zelena rolled her eyes, without fear of being stopped this time. She never realised Elijah was such a freak. She supposed it made sense, though, what with him turning out to be gay and everything. So she ignored him and started rubbing her hands against the chair in an effort to cut through the rope that bound her. Then she had an idea. "hay elijah."

Elijah lookd up at her. "What?"

"cum hear a minit. ive got sumthing in myp ocket 4 u."

"What is it?" Elijah asked, suspiciously.

"its a pitcher, of orlando. hes nayked and evrything."

Elijah stood up and started towards her. "Really? Where would you get a naked photo of Orlando?"

"from the net. u can get n-e-thing of the net."

Elijah stopped right in front of her. "Hand it over, wench."

She looked up at him. "ule have 2 unty me so i can gettit out."

Elijah looked round at the door, then back at Zelena. "You promise not to try and escape?"

"i promis."

Now, as undoubtedly intelligent as Elijah was, he *had* just had a few beers. And he would do *anythifor for Orlando porn. So, yes, he untied Zelena. And yes, she wrestled his gun from him and hit him on the head with it. The only reason she managed this was because he was uncoordinated through drink and the promise of a good Orli-fuelled fantasy. And when she had tied him to the chair she ran out of the kitchen and went to find somewhere to hide and formulate her plan of attack. She had decided already that she would not run away. She would fight. Someone had to stop these mad, slashy bitches and their mad, slashy stories from being leaked to the world. It might as well be her.

So it was that Veevs came into the kitchen looking for her birthday presents that Sonja had just let slip were hidden somewhere in the mansion, and saw Elijah slumped in a chair, head to one side and tongue lolling from his mouth. She untied him and carried him into the lounge, where everyone immediately stopped what they were doing.

"Great," said Kerreh. "I guess that means she's on the loose." As if to confirm her suspicions, all the lights suddenly went off. The only illumination came from a candle someone had lit to disguise the smell of the cigarettes. Sonja took it over to the corner of the room with her and came back with several flashlights.

"Evil, Nisi. What's the battle plan?"

"I suggest we split up and look for her," said Evil.

"Good plan, love," Nisi said, smiling over at her.

"Okay...who should go in whose teams and where should we look?"

Evil turned round to the lounge door which had just opened. "Why don't we ask G.I. Joaquin? He's just arrived."

Joaquin Phoenix waved at them all and Evil gazed adoringly at him, earning herself a nudge from Nisi. "What's going on?" he asked. Veevs quickly explained the situation, dropping in the fact that it was her birthday the following day a couple of times. Joaquin nodded, thought for a moment, then looked round the room. "Sonja, you and Veevs take Sean and explore the West Wing."

"No touching our stuff," said Nisi and Evil in unison. They grinned at each other, blushing.

Sonja got a thoughtful smile on her face. "What, not even your-"

"No. Especially not that."

"Okay." She sighed.

Joaquin continued. "Dom, Billy...I want you to stay here with Elijah and keep an eye on him." The two nodded. "Kerreh, you can take Craig and Orli with you to the East Wing. Nisi, Evil...I'll come with you."

Nisi glanced sideways and saw the rapturous expression on Evil's face. "No, that's okay, Joaquin. I think we'll be okay by ourselves."

"Don't you want me to come with you? You can both have me..."

Nisi looked tempted for a moment, but she preferred the idea of a sexy Scottish accent and maybe even bare feet and she knew that Joaquin would moan about having to take off the extremely cool motorcycle boots he was wearing. Plus she had a feeling that Evil wouldn't want to share. "Tell you what, then," she said. "We'll take Billy and Dominic and you stay here and look after Elijah."

Joaquin pouted moodily. "Fine." He sank down into a seat and watched everyone getting their kit together.

Billy and Dom obligingly removed their boots and socks. And jackets, ties and shirts. And shades. Nisi tucked a tranquiliser gun (safety on) into each of their waistbands and stood back. "Better," she said. "Now we can get on with it." The others, who had been standing around watching Nisi and waiting until she was satisfied with her team's appearance, gave a small cheer and departed their separate ways. Evil picked up her flame-thrower with another evil (tm) grin. The hunt began.


-Veevs, Sonja and Sean, The West Wing-

"I kicked yer arse at Twister," Sean sang, in his orgasm-inducing accent. Sonja would've melted into a puddle right there and then, except she was pissed off at losing to a northerner. "Yer a southern jessie.." Sean continued to sing. Sonja slapped him one and grabbed hold of his hair. Veevs put an arm around her waist and pulled her back.

"For God's sake, Sonja! This is more important than losing a stupid game of Twister! The Gay Shagging Cats, everything we stand for, is at stake. If she finds our secret disk-box she could erase every MST we've ever done. And we'd have to start all over again. That's years of work! We have to find her before she ruins us!"

Sonja looked at Veevs, awed by this inspiring speech. She let go of Sean's hair and nodded. "I'm sorry, Sean."

He smiled at her. "That's okay." And he snogged both her and Veevs.

The three of them entered the West Wing and shone the flashlight around the open plan space. Sonja let the beam of light play on all the items that were hanging on the walls. "Check out all this stuff! I didn't know Evil and Nisi had such funky things! Hey, look at that!" And she started over towards the nearest wall, hand outstretched. Veevs coughed loudly, making her turn. "What?"

"You heard what they said. No touching."

"Bollocks. Fucking bollocks." Sonja stepped back, gazing up at the wall with pure lust in her eyes. She sighed resignedly and turned away. "Okay. No touching."

The three of them crept over to a nearby chaise-longue and crouched behind it. Sonja took a flare out of her backpack and lit it, chucking it overarm into the center of the huge room. The three of them stood, tranquiliser guns at the ready, and turned three-hundred and sixty degrees, scouring the dark corners of the room. They saw nothing. The flare sputtered and died, plunging the room into a darkness that seemed even blacker now they had completely fucked up their night vision.

"Bollocks!" Sonja shouted. "That completely fucked up my night vision!"

"Boo," said a voice behind them, making all three jump about a foot in the air.


-Kerreh, Craig and Orli, The East Wing-

"Kerreh, this way."

Kerreh looked at Orli, pressed up against the corner of a wall with his gun against his chest and camo-paint covering his face, and shook her head. "Thanks," she said, walking past him. She held Craig's hand tightly. She didn't really like walking through spooky mansions in the dark, especially as she had spent some of the evening watching The Exorcist 3, and was glad that he was with her.

And, she supposed, kind of glad Orli was there too. Although his annoying game of playing soldier and pretending he knew everything just because he'd fallen out of a chopper in Black Hawk Down was starting to grate a bit. She did hope he'd keep the camo-paint on for his lap-dance, though. It was a little bit sexy, in a weird kind of way. But, if she was honest with herself, she thought Jason Isaacs could pull off this soldiering lark more convincingly. She made a growling sound, involuntarily.

"Are you all right, love?" Craig asked, concerned. She smiled up at him.

"Fine, thanks. Orli, stop pratting about, won't you?"

Orli looked round from where he was doing what could only be described as a 'stealth-waddle' past a low bookshelf. He sighed, and stood at full height. "Sorry."

"Have you seen any sign of her yet?"

"Nope. She must've had army training too, or something."

"Well, duh!" Kerreh told him. "Think about it, she was a major supporter of the Wild Blue Yonder Wonder Bitch. Of course she's had army training. She probably IS Wild Blue Yonder Wonder Bitch. Writing her own great reviews."

Orli shook his head. "That is so pathetic."

"Pathetic it may be, but we have to catch her before she finds you-know-what."

Orli tapped the side of his nose, knowingly. "Ah, yes. Say no more."

"Orli," Kerreh said, in a very no-nonsense kind of a way. "Stop being a prat or I'm taking away your Craig-shagging privileges."

Orli shut up. He let out a stifled cry as something shot past them. Something with shiny eyes.

"It's okay," said Craig. "It's just Pepper. Which means Diesel.." He trailed off as the other cat appeared, sauntering after Pepper. "I was starting to wonder where they'd got to."


-Veevs, Sonja and Sean, The West Wing-

"Bloody fucking hell!" Sonja cried, clutching her heart. "You scared the shit out of us you stupid git!"

Viggo smiled apologetically, looked Sean over appreciatively and continued playing with Veevs' hair. "Sorry. I thought you knew I was coming. Didn't realise it was a surprise party."

"The lights are out because some bint cut the power."

"Who?"

"Zelena Shelby," said Veevs, with a meaningful look. Then she returned to looking down at Viggo's bare feet and purring against his shoulder as he plaited her hair.

"Oh. Well, why didn't you just go and flip the power back on?"

"Because everyone knows that they're easier to find in the dark. Plus Orli wanted to use this really dark camo-paint which looks seksay on him, in a weird kind of way." Sonja sighed. "And we can't risk going down to the basement to sort the power out when at any second she could get her hands on our lifework."

"Ah. That is somewhat of a quandary. Especially about Orlando. Well, might I suggest that I help you look? If I can sneak up on you lot without you noticing, then I can probably track a Mary-Sue."

"Of course you're helping us look! We're the only team that only got one guy!"

Sean tried to look offended, but Sonja quickly pashed him to stop him grouching.


-Nisi, Evil, Dom and Billy, The Main Part of the Mansion-

Dom sighed, stopping once again to wait for Nisi and Evil to catch up. "What was it this time?" he asked.

"Er," said Nisi, buttoning up her blouse. "Saw a suspicious shadow by the kitchen table."

"Yeah," Evil agreed. "Suspicious."

"Billy?"

Billy looked at his best friend with an innocent smile, trying to zip himself back into dignity. "What?"

"Never mind. Am I the only one with my mind on the mission?"

"We've all got our minds on the mission, Dom. Don't be such an arsehole."

They turned at the sound of a bloodcurdling scream. "That...that came from the lounge..."

Evil's eyes widened and she and Nisi stared at each other. "Elijah!"


-Elijah and Joaquin, The Lounge-

Elijah looked up as everyone raced back in. He seemed surprised to see Viggo, but not as surprised as everyone else was when Kery came in followed by Craig, Orli *and* Harry *and* John Mayer. In fact, even Kerry seemed surprised. Sonja just shrugged it off. "What do you lot expect? This is a GSC fic. If we wait long enough, Dave Wenham will probably show up with Karl Urban."

"Anyway...I see you found Zelena."

Zelena lay in a big, unconscious heap on the floor at Joaquin's feet. He nodded, pulling the tranquiliser dart out of her backside. Veevs bent down and pulled the mystical disk box from Zelena's fingers. "She nearly got this. Sonja, we have to invest in a safe."

"I agree."

Evil just looked disappointed that she hadn't got to use her flame-thrower. Nisi comforted her by taking her outside and watching her blow up the destroyed-anyway Mercedes. After the explosion of the tank and the blowing of the windows, they went back inside and watched it from the hallway. The clock struck midnight just as the fire was burning out.

"It's my birthday!" Veevs' voice yelled from the lounge. "Orli! Lapdance! Now, please!"


TBC....