Seeing With The Heart

Title: Seeing With the Heart (2/7)
Author: Aglarien
Type: FPS
Pairing: Glorfindel/Erestor
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. The great Master Tolkien’s estate owns everything else. I promise to return his elves when I’m done playing with them.
Warnings: AU.
Beta: phyncke
Author’s notes: Written for the Glorestor competition, and dedicated to the real Elladan and Elrohir and their beautiful family who all just seemed to creep into this story.
Summary: An encounter on the Great East Road changes the lives of Erestor and Glorfindel.


We may remark in passing that to be blind and beloved may, in this world where nothing is perfect, be among the most strangely exquisite forms of happiness.... The supreme happiness in life is the assurance of being loved; of being loved for oneself, even in spite of oneself; and this assurance the blind man possesses…… Possessing love he is not deprived of light. A love, moreover, that is wholly pure. There can be no blindness where there is this certainty.
Victor Hugo (1802–1885), Les Misérables (1862).

Chapter 2

“Da!” Tom called out. “I’m back and I got the Elves with me! I took ‘em aside and told ‘em quiet like about Master Erestor and told ‘em they could stay here.” The lad entered the room, followed by two tall, identical, dark-haired Elves. “John took their horses ‘round back. I’ll be sleeping with Will and they can have my room. We took so long so they could get their things and settle the bill. I disturbed their supper, so they’ll be wantin’ some o’ Ma’s good stew too, I reckon.”

“You did real good, Tom,” Robert said, rising to greet the Elves. “You are welcome here for you as long as you all need to stay, Masters.”

Elladan and Elrohir nodded their thanks to the tanner and set their travel packs on the floor. Moving to the Erestor, Elladan asked, “How badly is your head injured? Are you in much pain?”

Erestor reached for where he could sense Elladan’s presence and grasped the younger Elf’s arm. “Elladan,” he whispered. “It is very good to have you and your brother here. My head has not stopped pounding.”

“What about your stomach, Erestor?” Elrohir asked, dropping down to his knees beside the counselor. His gentle fingers began probing beneath Erestor’s dark hair. “Were you badly nauseated? Vomiting?”

“I was before, after the attack and as we rode here. I feel better since I got off the horse and have been sitting and resting,” Erestor replied. “I haven’t been sick for a few hours now.”

Glorfindel sighed in relief at the arrival of Elrond’s sons and silently thanked the Valar for what seemed the hundredth time that day.

The twins finished their examination of the injured elf and administered herbs to ease the pain in his head and help settle Erestor’s stomach even more. “I do not know if your blindness is permanent, Erestor. I am sorry,” Elladan finally said softly. “Perhaps Ada will be able to tell more. It is my hope that the swelling in your head from the blow caused it, and you will recover your sight as your head heals. The nausea you already know will pass in time. I wish I could tell you more, my friend.”

“You should rest here for at least a day before starting for home,” Elrohir said. “Two days would be even better. Elladan and I will stay here with you and Glorfindel and return home with you in case there is any other ill effect from the injury that is not apparent now.” Turning to the tanner, he said, “Thank you for your hospitality, Master Tanner. We are most grateful for your kindness.”

“’Tis nothing,” Robert said, waving away their thanks. “Come sit and eat, Masters, and Lord Glorfindel and Master Erestor can finish their supper too. We’ll fix up Tom’s bed for you and get the bath for Master Erestor ready.” The tanner was already serving more food up, placing it on the table. “I’ll find my Ma’s old walking stick later tonight, and tomorrow I’ll show Master Erestor how to use it to help him see things an’ he can practice with it.”

“That is an excellent idea, Master Tanner!” Elrohir said. “I once saw a blind man use one and it was very helpful. He used it so quickly that he could walk nearly as fast as a sighted man.”

Robert nodded. “It takes some practice to get that good with it, but I reckon Master Erestor will learn quicker than most. My Ma was good with it – could get around anywhere on her own. Used to walk all over town going to the shops and such.”

“But I am not lame,” Erestor said. “What would I use the walking stick for?”

“It is not for helping you walk, Erestor,” Elrohir said. “I daresay you will be able to get around the Last Homely House without it most of the time, but you use it to feel the ground in front of you when you walk so you do not step into holes or run into trees. Instead of feeling around with your hands to see where chairs and tables are, for instance, you use the stick to feel things out before you get to them. It will help you get around on your own so you can still have your independence.”

Erestor raised his eyebrows in interest. “Then I am willing to learn how to use it. You have my thanks again, Robert,” he said.

Once the Elves had eaten they were shown to their rooms. Erestor was left in the care of Glorfindel for his bath and the remainder of the night, the captain having declined assistance from the twins. Robert delivered two of his own nightgowns for the Elves to use.

Having assisted him with his bath, Glorfindel dressed Erestor in the borrowed nightgown, seating him on the bed so the blinded elf could brush out his newly washed hair. Once his friend was situated safely, the captain had a quick bath in the now cooled water.

Erestor felt with his hands for the bedside table and laid the brush on it, and then curled up in the bed on his side. A few moments later, the bed dipped as Glorfindel lay beside him, strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him close.

“What is it, Erestor? You have been too quiet since we entered this room. Is your head still hurting? Tell me what you are thinking,” Glorfindel said softly.

“No, my head feels better. I am afraid, Glorfindel,” Erestor whispered.

“What is your biggest fear?”

Erestor was silent for a moment. If there was anyone he could tell his fears too, it was Glorfindel. Aside from the fact that this Elf had secretly held his heart for decades, they were close friends and he trusted Glorfindel with his life. Finally he spoke quietly. “I have two great fears. The first is that I can no longer be useful. That I will no longer have a purpose to my life. How can I continue as Elrond’s chief counselor if I cannot see? What will I do without my sight? I cannot write, I cannot read…I am worthless now.”

If it were possible, Glorfindel held Erestor closer. “Your worth to Elrond is not because you can read and write, my dear friend. Your counsel is invaluable to him, and that will not change. Elrond can get scribes and assistants to help you, but no one can replace your knowledge and wisdom. I promise you, it will be all right. Your worth is without measure.”

“I suppose that would work, if I had assistants to help me read and write,” Erestor admitted. “I know Elrond would never replace me if we can find a way to make it work.”

“You are Elrond’s dearest friend and confidant, Erestor,” Glorfindel said. “Of course he would never replace you.”

“I will miss reading though,” Erestor whispered dejectedly.

“Then I will read to you whatever and whenever you would like,” Glorfindel answered.

“You would do that for me?”

Glorfindel nodded against the dark head under his chin. “Of course I will.”

“We can still play chess, can’t we?” Erestor asked, brightening suddenly. “I can see the board in my mind and tell you my moves!”

“We will still play chess and you will still beat me at it every night,” Glorfindel answered. “And we will still spar together. Do not think just because you cannot see that you will get out of it. We have sparred often enough together blindfolded. It will just be like that.”

Erestor nodded. Perhaps he could accept his blindness and life would not be too bad.

“What is your second great fear?” Glorfindel asked.

Erestor grew solemn again. “I am afraid of being alone…in the dark…and not knowing where I am or where to go,” he whispered so quietly that Glorfindel had to strain to hear him. “I feel rather like a lost little Elfling who does not know where his parents are. The dark is so deep, so…black. I know that once we are back in Imladris that everyone will help me. The servants will probably be fawning over me and checking me every two minutes and driving me crazy. I do not even fear the loss of my independence - I am not too proud to accept that I will need help and that there will be times I lose my way or do clumsy things or have someone tell me that I am wearing my clothes inside out. I do not think that will bother me greatly. I just have this fear that I cannot really put into words. There is no candle I can light or lamp I can kindle to remove this night. There is no moon or stars or even the warm sun shining on me that can take it away. No matter what I do, I will still be alone in this darkness.” Erestor shook in the arms of his friend.

Glorfindel gently rolled Erestor onto his other side until they were face to face. “You do not have to hide it from me, Erestor. You can let it out. You are safe with me,” he said gently.

And Erestor did. Safe with his friend, the little lost Elfling sobbed out his fears, his tears falling on the soft cotton of their nightgowns to mingle with the tears that slipped silently from Glorfindel’s eyes. He cried for the loss of the sun, the moon, the stars, and all the beauty of Arda. He cried for the loss of the written word, and the loss of the joy in seeing a smile on a friend’s face. He cried for the loss of his sight and the loss of his world.

When there were no more tears, Glorfindel whispered, “Let me be your light, Erestor. For so long we have each danced around our feelings for each other, each of us afraid to say anything or even admit it to ourselves for fear of destroying our friendship. I am no longer afraid. The only thing I fear now is losing you. I swear if you will have me, you will never be alone in the dark because I will be there with you. I love you, Erestor, and I know in my heart that you love me too. Shall we finally put aside our childish ways? Will you have me?”

“You love me, even though I cannot see?” Erestor asked. “You want me?”

“You silly Elf,” Glorfindel said teasingly. “I do not care if you are blind or lame or have three feet and green hair. I will always love you, Erestor. I mean it, you know. Blind or sighted, I want you beside me always. Do not misunderstand me, my dear friend. I want you as my mate – my husband. So will you marry me, Erestor?”

Erestor released one final sob and wrapped his arms around Glorfindel. “I will,” he whispered. “I love you, Glorfindel. I always have, you know. Yes, I will marry you, dearest friend, if you are sure you really want me.”

“I am sure I really want you, Erestor,” Glorfindel answered softly. He placed one chaste, perfect, soft, sweet kiss on Erestor’s mouth. “So rest your heart, my love, and rest your mind. Sleep. Sleep in my arms, and I will keep you from the dark.”

For one brief moment, Erestor thought he must have lost his mind along with his sight, but soft lips kissed him again and he could feel strong arms holding him. A smile crept onto his face. With Glorfindel at his side he could face the darkness. “I love you, Glorfindel,” he whispered earnestly, and then settled down to sleep.

In the morning, they joined the family and the twins around the dining room table for a very large breakfast of hot porridge, fruit, toasted bread made over the fire with butter and preserves, eggs and bacon.

Mistress Alice Tanner was a petite, soft-spoken, kindhearted woman, and just plump enough to be comfortable. A few strands of grey highlighted her dark hair. She took having four additional mouths to feed in her stride, being used to preparing extra food for those in the town who were in need. If the mistress of a house fell ill, she was sure to hear of it and gather the other matrons in town to join her in feeding the family. Homeless waifs knew they could always get a meal at her door and a warm, safe place to sleep, bedded down with the animals in the family’s barn without anyone bothering them. She welcomed the Elves graciously and bustled around making sure everyone had enough to eat and wanted for nothing. She was also no fool and knew full well that they owed much of their prosperity to her husband’s trade with the Elves.

She served Erestor his meal, telling him what was on his plate and where everything was without even thinking about it, for she had been long accustomed to helping her mother-in-law. When the Elves thanked her, she waved it off, saying, “I am thrilled to pieces to have you with us, you know. My Bob has talked so much about all you Elves and how wonderful Rivendell is and now I finally get to meet you for myself! It’s no trouble a’ tall to have four extra, and you are all so kind to Bob when he’s with you.”

When the meal was over and all of the dishes had been cleared away to the kitchen by Alice and the children, Robert stood and said, “Now, Master Erestor, I have my old Ma’s walking stick I made years ago for her, if you’d like to try it out.” He took the stick from where it lay on the mantle. It was long and very lightweight. Placing it in Erestor’s hand, he said, “Feel it. Feel how light and flexible it is. It’s not for bearing your weight – it’s for you to ‘see’ with. Let the stick be your eyes. When you are ready, stand up and I’ll show you.”

Erestor felt along the stick, closely watched by Glorfindel and the twins, noting its smoothness and how finely tapered it was. At its tip was a metal cap. Taking a deep breath, he stood and said, “I am ready, Robert.”

The tanner stood beside Erestor and said, “At the top is a leather loop. Place it through your wrist and hold the top of the stick in your hand. When Erestor had done so, he covered the Elf’s hand with his own. “Now, hold the stick out in front of you and tap the floor with it in a big arc.” Guiding Erestor’s hand, he moved the stick in front of him back and forth, tap, tap, tap. “Now take a step.” Tap, tap, tap went the stick, back and forth. “Another step.” Tap, tap, tap, forth and back. Robert guided Erestor until they came to a chair and the stick encountered the object. “Now, what is that, Master Erestor? Move the stick. Feel it. See where the stick goes and where it stops. Move it up and across. What is it?”

Erestor moved the stick up and down the object, feeling out the space under it, the seat and the high back. “It is a chair!” he exclaimed.

“Very good,” said Robert. He motioned to Glorfindel to move a couple of logs from next to the hearth and set them out on the floor, and then guided Erestor in their direction. When the stick hit the logs, he said, “Feel it out with the stick. “What is it?”

Erestor moved the stick around the logs, feeling out their height and length. “It’s not books – the shape is wrong. There is no opening at the bottom, so it’s not a footstool. Too low for that anyway. It feel like bricks, or logs for the fire.”

Glorfindel chuckled. “Right again.”

Erestor grinned.

“Now come this way, Master Erestor,” Robert said. “It’s real important for you to remember when you’re inside a house where there’s stairs or when you’re goin’ outside and there’s steps. Always move slow enough to feel the floor before you real good like. You don’t want to go tumbling down any stairs.” He guided Erestor to the doorway. Together, they felt out its shape, feeling the walls around it and the emptiness within the door frame.

When they felt out the start of the stairs, Erestor reeled back, frightened of the drop, and Robert showed him how to move slowly when he felt the stick drop before him and feel for the wall with his hand and the steps with his feet. “Glorfindel,” Erestor called out. “Let me take your arm.” This was definitely not going to be as easy as going up the stairs was; it was downright scary. When Glorfindel stood beside him and placed Erestor’s free hand on his arm, the counselor whispered, “This. This frightens me. I can feel around a hole in the ground and work my way around it, but there is no way around this.” And there were so many stairs to descend in the Last Homely House.

“Give it time,” Glorfindel whispered. “We will go down the stairs very, very slowly and I will be right here to catch you if you fall. You are safe with me. Feel out each step with the stick and keep tapping the wall on the other side so you know where it is.”

Slowly, they made their way down the stairs with Erestor feeling out each step, first with his stick and then with his foot. When they reached the bottom and he could feel there were no more steps, Erestor heaved a great sigh of relief. “I did it,” he whispered.

“You did indeed,” Glorfindel said. “We will keep practicing together, and one day you will be able to do it all on your own. I know you will.”

From the top of the stairs, Elladan and Elrohir applauded and called down, “Well done, Erestor!”

Tbc…