Ley

Disclaimer: All things Middle Earth belong to the genius known as Tolkein....I’m just striving to contribute to the humor of it.....



Warning: rated for language and adult situations.....



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“Get undressed.” He commanded sharply.

Her blood felt as though it had suddenly evaporated or run cold, even though her face looked like a favorable impression of a cherry. She stumbled back from the Elf, colliding into what looked like a narrow boat paddle. Acting on adrenaline and impulse, she hurled the only projectile she had at him, which just so happened to be the tampon, while reaching for the odd paddle.



“You pervert!” She hollered, flustered. Unfortunately for Alley, Legolas possessed the agility and grace of his race. It also didn’t help that her aim kind of sucked...but the latter was probably more directly a result of her momentary panic than her true throwing ability.



She’d barely managed to get a swing at him when he’d wrenched her make-shift weapon away from her shaking hands, throwing it behind him with a violent clatter against the stone floor. His angry visage graced her vision, and she settled for glaring back. As thoroughly irritated and...unprecedented as the prince was at this young girl’s actions, he begrudgingly admitted to himself that minding her was proving to be no small task.



Suddenly, he noticed that her eyes had slipped from his, and were staring somewhat beyond him with an oddly thoughtful trace of expression. He chanced a quick look behind him, and caught sight of Artani at another entrance to the chamber they were now in. Eyebrow elegantly raised in question, he stepped forward, armed with Legolas’ list of requested items, and set them on a nearby bench.



Within moments, he made his departure, nodding humbly to his superior, before hastily making his exit. Legolas once again turned his attention to the young girl before him, resisting the urge to push back his hair in the mortal gesture of exasperation he had seen men of Laketown do.



“What,” he intoned in a steely voice, “in Middle Earth do you think you are doing?!” Ley had the decency to look slightly embarrassed, but it seemed it had more to do with the content of her answer than her past actions.

“Well, what the hell do you expect?! I am NOT about to get naked in front of you, you got that?!”He locked eyes with her, unnerved.



“I intend only for you to bathe, Lady Ley. Your undressing would accomplish that, and nothing more in light of the circumstance. Why would you jump to such a childish delusion involving otherwise?” She sputtered intelligently for a moment, then countered with her own verbal explosion.



“Childish–?!!OH, for the love of–this entire PLACE is a delusion! And you’re the prince hallucination, for all I give a rat’s ass!! Gods, so THIS is why Lydia told me I should never drop acid–you get fucked up trips, probably like this! And another thing, why do you INSIST on accusing me of being childish when in fact you’re the one who’s given me no other reason to form another conclusion? All you said was ‘get undressed,’ so what am I supposed to think– ”



She backed up into the wall as he slammed his fist against its surface, causing her to flinch slightly as he came closer, leaning so close that their breath mingled.



“It is no fault of mine...what you so callously think...involving what I have said or done.” He ground out dangerously. Admittedly, he’d had no idea over half of what she’d been saying, although its lacing insults he recognized clearly enough. What was it about this girl that made her so infuriating? His eyes darted to her mouth. It probably had something to do with her unbridled tongue.



That, or perhaps her unflattering appearance in being streaked with mud and grime. Traces of foliage tangled her drab, beer-colored hair. Her soaked, skimpy clothing clung steadfastly to her womanly curves. Her green eyes seemed impossibly large what with the way they were staring into his own. But they narrowed quickly, and she crossed her arms to further illustrate her rising ire. How was it that such a girl–young woman, he corrected himself–could possibly claim linage with those descendant of the town of Dale? She was by far too… Wait...



“You are not of Laketown.” It was a statement, not a question in the least. Alley choked back on an inhale of breath, eyes widening slightly with the classic look a deer gives right before being slammed by an SUV.



“Wha–? No...I mean, no you’re wrong! Yes, I am from Laketown! Really! I just went for a hike and took a wrong tur–“



Legolas frowned at her denial. It was obvious she was lying. He cut her off mid sentence by gently placing his left hand across her lips. His eyes reverted from between her and the wooden tub placed behind them, sighing slightly as he did so.



“ You are not of their kin. The flash of your tongue, as well as your mode of dress, speak well enough for themselves.” It took a second for that to sink in. But when it did, Ley felt like kicking herself...or maybe the overly-observant Elf covering her mouth. ‘Crap. So I guess Laketown women are submissive...and...probably don’t wear their brother’s old boxers...’ She cleared her throat, nodding slightly in sullen confirmation.

Legolas’ eyes held a satisfied gleam as he swept his hand away, mindfully not wiping it on his tunic as he felt apt to do out of courtesy.



“Come. You must bathe, Lady Ley...We’ll have much to discuss once you finish.”

He briskly stepped past her, out to the door. She stared after him for all of half a second, before casting her eyes in search of something that just so happened to be floating in the tub of water... Rushing forward, she snatched it out with a dull splash before turning to hurl it in direction of the door.

The tampon met with a dull ‘splat’ against the left side of the door, helping Ley vent some of her frustration.



“Moron!” She yelled. Although whether the insult was directed at the infuriating prince or at her with all of her stupid little slip-ups, she wasn’t quite sure.

She backed up and slid brokenly into a sitting position against the side of the enormous structure containing her bathing water. Sighing, she banged her head back against it a few times, cursing herself...and maybe the Elf, too.

‘Perfect...Just perfect...’



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It occurred to Ley at some point or other that the tub was not in fact for the regular use of bathing. The paddle had actually given her the hint, as well as the large collaboration of spare tubs kept at the far side of the room, a safe distance from the fire place. Yup. She was currently taking a bath in what was usually reserved for washing Elvish laundry. She’d seen a few movies that entailed or hinted at such washing methods…like that 1970’s ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory,’ where Charlie’s mom used said paddle to stir and fish around clothes inside a similar mammoth sized tub. So…if Elves wore underwear (and she assumed they did) she was currently bathing in its past residue, she decided. Wonderful….Well, beggars couldn’t be choosers…



Ley lowered herself until she was nose deep, then let forth an amusing stream of bubbles from her mouth. She pondered whether or not the Elves of Mirkwood bathed indoors any way, or if they just shucked their clothes and went skinny dipping on a regular basis in random rivers or creeks in order to get closer to nature. She shrugged. Probably not…Didn’t matter, any way. What mattered was that she was in fact being given an opportunity to regain some of her humanity in form of hygiene, and she might as well use it. Elvish underwear residue or not.



She was probably only being afforded to use the laundry room since it was unoccupied for the time being, and she was, in fact, a prisoner. ‘Prisoners don’t get to use bathrooms…who knew?’ She let loose some more bubbles before submerging herself entirely. At least the water hadn’t been freezing. Elves might be sadistic at times…well, ‘moody’ might be a better term…but they certainly weren’t cruel. Otherwise, she’d have had cold bath water…or even no bath at all.

Alley arose, sputtering, to the surface. Sloshing her way to lean over the basin, she grabbed for the soap once again, reflecting as she commenced scrubbing. Or…maybe they were in fact sadistic, but couldn’t in fact allow her to continue amidst their presence because of how filthy she had been. Whatever.



Earlier, once she had finished banging her head against the tub and hugging her knees, she’d gotten up to inspect what Artani had dropped off. A dress with what looked like a built in corset, a towl, and a bottle of what she assumed would function as soap and or shampoo…

She snorted.



Ley had undressed, letting the wet material fall into a puddle near her feet. She couldn’t help but smile slightly as she let her fingers rove over her successfully hidden key. If it were possible, Ley realized that she did in fact have some sort of luck about her. Not enough to save her ass from persecution and suspicion, it would seem, but enough to allow her to continue on with a few tricks up her sleeve. She paused, contemplating whether or not she ought to put it with her soaked pajamas and drenched bra, but decided against it. Someone might collect them later, and find it. She sighed as she tossed her old but new treasure into the tub; as strange as it might sound, she hoped that they wouldn’t dispose of them. Right now, they were really all she had to remind her of home…not to mention that bra was from Lane Bryant, and was damn well expensive. She didn’t want to have to buy another one, if she could help it.



So now here she was: washing her hair with a key at her feet within the tub. The tub was actually the size of a small Jacuzzi, so it was rather roomy, and there wasn’t much to complain about. She wasn’t exactly happy at the moment, with circumstances being as they were, but the conditions weren’t so bad, really. Humming softly to herself, occasionally breaking off to remember lyrics every so often of a favorite song, she happily floated around in her dirty bath water, as well as denial for the inevitable.



Without warning, the door burst open, leaving Ley to shriek and hug her chest, while simultaneously submerging further into the water. Soapy water splashed into her eyes, making them burn even as she strained to make out the silhouette standing in the doorway.



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