Falling For You*

Chapter Two: Sense Memory and the Long Dark

What do you do with yourself, When you see the storm clouds rising, Feeling alone with yourself, As the sun fades away. ~Erasure~


Two more days they walked. Aragorn and Gandalf constantly with their heads together debating which path to take. Those days dawned bright yet the wind blowing down on them from Caradhras chilled them all. Legolas alone seemed to be unaffected. Frodo had asked why Renee seemed affected by the cold when Legolas did not. No one had an answer for that. When Gandalf and Aragorn both looked puzzled she said that it was probably because she was an elf from a different world.

As the road became steep and difficult Renee dropped back to walk with Legolas more and her singing became less. Up they traveled into bitter cold and cutting wind. When the path became crunchy with snow even the hobbits huddled together for warmth and their chatter quieted. The deeper the snow the more grateful they all became for Boromir’s apparent knowledge of high places and cold journeys. He was right when he asked one evening what good it would do to keep secret if they were only to freeze to death in the day or fall off a cliff at night. The company began walking anytime it was light enough to see the narrow path.

On they went. But before long the snow was falling fast filling the air with a white blindness. Renee walked close to Frodo and the hobbits, though she walked on the ever deepening snow. Sam and Pippin seemed to be complaining almost constantly while Frodo and Merry exchanged commiserating glances. Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf huddled together exclaiming over one bad option and another.

Legolas caught a stray thought from Renee wondering when they would make up their minds and just take them back down the mountain already. He walked to where she was huddled down in the snow next to Frodo sharing her warmth.

‘Melethnin, what do you know?’

Renee looked up at the frost covered but still warm elf. ‘I know that eventually we will turn back and go through the Mines of Moria. But they will need to decide that for themselves and the timing has to be right. I can’t influence anything here. And Gandalf wouldn’t let me anyway,’ she grumbled the last.

He extended his hand down to her. She looked almost as miserable as the hobbits covered in snow and shivering. ‘Will you scout ahead with me?’

She jumped up on top of the deep snow keeping hold of his hand for balance. Though they both knew with the dexterity of the Eldar the move was just and excuse to hold hands.

“Your hand is warm yet you shiver.” Legolas noticed.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t think I am really feeling the cold but it was hard to explain to everyone so I just said the easiest thing. I think my mind just thinks that since I’m in the snow I’m supposed to be cold. Or something like that anyway. I know what cold feels like and you don’t. You have no memory of shivering in the cold do you?”

“No, even as a child we elves are fairly immune to extreme temperatures. Although if it gets much colder I will begin to become uncomfortable.”

“Ha! Don’t let the dwarf hear you say that. I think Gimli is nearly as cold as the hobbits. He is just trying to be the stout strapping Khuzd.”

They walked on in front of the others for a bit. Enjoying the view over the mountain. Renee didn’t feel nearly as cold walking with Legolas as when she was huddled down with the Halflings. Yet another point in favor of her hypothesis. The cold was all in her head. She vaguely wondered if the meditation on fear from the book series Dune would work on the cold also. ’I will allow the cold to pass over and through me, until only I remain,’ she giggled at the though.

Legolas smiled at the though and looked to her. “What was that?”

“Just a meditation from my world changed a bit. I really don’t think I feel the cold that much. I just think I do. If that makes any since.”

“Of course it does. The phenomenon is called sense memory, many warrior experience it. A missing limb that is still felt years later. You think it should be there so for your mind it is.”

“Yes, that’s it exactly,” Renee grinned up at him. For several long moments they lost themselves in the other’s gaze. The bond flared between them. Again they could see themselves in the soul of the other.

He could be patient. He was two thousand years old and Valar willing he would see another two. He could wait for his soul mate to grow up enough to accept his love. They stiffened as the wind died down suddenly. They turned and ran back to the rest of their party feet barely touching the snow and leaving no trail behind them.

It was too late to shout a warning as they returned stone and snow was already overtaking the company. The elves dug the others out quickly finding the tiny hobbits. Thankfully no one was injured seriously.

“There is a fell voice on the air, ahead of us it thickens and nothing stirs,” Legolas said to Aragorn and Gandalf as they again spoke of the best thing to do.

“Aye let those of you who will call it the wind, but those rocks aimed true,” said Boromir.

Aragorn rolled his eyes but agreed they could not go on this day. After sharing some of Gandalf’s miruvor and setting a fire they all huddled around the cliff side and rejoiced at the small warmth. Gandalf grumbled the whole time about letting every person who was sensitive to such things know exactly where he was, yet he too enjoyed the warmth of the fire.

Stories from the hobbits rounded the small campfire and eased the burdens a bit until the big men excused themselves to one side. It was decided that they would head back down the mountain. Caradhras would not forgive them easily and would permit them no further.

At the next light, that was no real dawn at all, they started back down the long steep path. Soon it became apparent that the way down the mountain wasn’t going to release them easily. Aragorn and Boromir elected themselves as plough men to break open the way for the smaller members of the company.

Nearly an hour of the slow pace had Legolas and Renee antsy to see the sunlight they knew awaited them at the mountain’s end. He laughed at the expression on Aragorn’s face as the two elves fled seeking the sun.

“We should be ashamed of ourselves leaving our companions to that snow. At the very least we should have grabbed the hobbits and carried them down.” Renee laughed as they rounded the first twist in the path.

Legolas had the decency to blush. He had wanted to spend time alone with his mate but she was right. They turned and went back. He carried Sam while she carried Frodo. Back and forth they raced piggy backing the hobbits lower and lower while leaving the big men to fend for themselves. As evening fell two elves and four hobbits set up a camp and waited for their big people.

*

They made good time back down the mountain with the hobbits in an ever increasing good mood. Only two nights later there were songs around the tiny fire Gandalf allowed them. Renee joined in though she sat next to Aragorn and Gandalf all night. She knew what awaited them on the now chosen path. She didn’t much look forward to the Long Dark that Moria was renowned to be.

Renee sat staring out into the dim night her first watch completely on her own and she was bored. Bored and tired beyond anything she had ever been before. The grey skies and lack of rest had brought her down into a spiraling depression. She sent out a bit of her power and sensed nothing in the immediate area. No blank spots Gandalf had warned her about when someone was near that wanted to hide themselves. She sang to herself softly.

look deep inside of me
There's a place but its not plain to see
I belong where no one else can be
Searching for myself again
Here I'm all alone and when
I close my eyes -- no one else can see
I walk alone, can't you see
I don't belong, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being -- is me
And I got myself to lean on,
Got both my feet on the ground
And you don't know me,
I don't know me I can't see you,
You can't see me
Close my eyes and leave the world behind.
So I got no heart, got no home
Got no somewhere I belong
I don't know if everything is just fine
So I got no heart and I got no home
And I got no somewhere I belong
I don't know if -- everything is just.....
And I got myself to lean on,
Got both my feet on the ground
And I got myself to lean on,
Got both my feet on the ground
And I look deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
Where I belong where no one else can be
And I'm searching for myself again
And here I'm all alone and when
I close my eyes and no on else can see

Aragorn woke to his sister’s voice. It was low so he wasn’t worried about anyone else hearing. The only reason he had been disturbed was because this was her first time taking watch all alone and he had been worried about her. He sat up as the last strains of the song died off and sighed. He moved over to her slowly knowing that she had heard him approach with her sensitive hearing yet not wanting to startle her. He sat down behind her and pulled her into his embrace.

“Don’t you slip away, Don’t you go too far. ’Cause when I close my eyes, I know who you are,” he sang back softly.

They sat the rest of the watch together. Clasping their bond marks together and rocking slowly in a comforting embrace. Renee slowly let her eyes fall into a deep sleep like she hadn’t allowed herself since leaving Rivendell many weeks ago.

*

“--Son, brother, lover, king. Legend, myth, eternal,” her own voice woke her from her dark visions.

As her eyes focused on Aragorn she wondered at the change in titles for him. She didn’t know what had changed but it was something drastic. She no longer saw his death. No, this time she saw the White City at the Center of a Great Metropolis. Aragorn still ruling. The thought terrified her. Aragorn would get tired of his rule and choose the long sleep. He would hate her if she made him eternal. And what of his son? What of Eldarion? Where was Arwen?

“You sent her away,” Renee accused.

It only took moments for Aragorn to understand which ’her’ his sister meant. “Yes. I would have her live,” said Aragorn without apology.

“I told you. I told you that the two of you were meant to be together. Everything is messed up now. Before nothing I did mattered. I couldn’t change anything. Now though, here I am trying to help and it’s all screwed. Oh Aragorn,” Renee started to sob. “It’s all my fault. You had a ’Happily Ever After’ with her. I told you. I saw it. Now this, horrible future lies ahead. And the children. Never born. Generations of children dead. Strangled.”

Legolas and Gimli after making the camp ready to leave for the day came to stand next to the duo. Legolas knelt next to Aewnaur and stroked the hair away from her face.

“Nothing is certain,” he whispered.

“Some thing’s are certain,” she unconsciously echoed the lines from the movie. “They are meant to be together. When we get to Lothlorien I will ask the Lady to speak to Elrond. Some things are certain.”

Aragorn was concerned that she had the nightmare about the children dieing still. Too many times over the past month her rest had been interrupted by this vision.

“Ask the Lady Galadriel about the vision as well. It plagues you too hard I fear.”

As the company headed out for the long walk to the gates of Moria, Renee fell deeper into herself, speaking not at all the rest of the day.

~

“Abyssus abyssum invocat,” Renee whispered at the sounds of many animals surrounded them.

“What was that?” questioned Merry.

“The wargs are calling out to each other. Planning an attack. Abyssus abyssum invocat. Hell calls hell,” Renee explained.

Luckily no one was injured in the attack but they were all weary by the time they made it to the hidden gates of Moria.

“Hey Gimli, I’ve been wondering for some time now, why in the world are the doors and halls of Moria so freakin’ huge when you dwarves are so small? I mean I know,” Renee began to babble as soon as the Great Doors were spotted.

The hobbits looked on in awe for they had never before heard such a great flood of words from their friend when she wasn‘t singing. Pippin looked up at Legolas and whispered, “Wow, we didn’t think anyone could talk that fast.”

Legolas looked down with a smirk thinking of all the times he had heard this type of babble coming from his mate. It was a true sign that she was nervous or uncomfortable. He was just as concerned as she about the coming darkness yet couldn’t help but feel a bit happy that the others would get to see this side of her. The irrepressible childlike wonder that her mind was.

Renee stood at the edge of the small lake with her sword ready after having admonished Merry and Pippin against disturbing the water. ‘Edro, edro!’ Gandalf cried behind her. She sighed but otherwise did not stir. The hobbits hadn’t thrown any rocks but she didn’t want to chance anyone being injured if the Krakken like creature reared it’s ugly tentacles anyway. After what felt like an age Frodo finally understood the riddle in the door’s message and Gandalf opened the door.

“Aewnaur, come we must move,” Aragorn called over to Renee softly.

“Walk with me a moment,” Renee said as she backed towards her brother. It had come to her as Aragorn spoke that the company would want to choose another way when they saw that the mine was now a tomb.

“Remember what I have told you about some things having to be a certain way?”

“Of course. We have spoken of it many times,” said Aragorn as they stopped just inside the door.

Before she could speak again Gimli cried out at the sight of his kinsmen’s bones. She pulled him back to her when he turned to get the fellowship back out to find another route.

“Aragorn, this is one of those times. I changed it so that the way isn’t blocked. Frodo would have been hurt otherwise, but this must happen. We ’have’ to go through this mine. If not, I fear the outcome.” She leaned back into Legolas’s loose embrace as the elf came to comfort the anguish he had felt from her.

Aragorn took a deep breath and shook his head. “Renee, do you know what it is you are asking of me?”

She took a deep breath, holding back a sob but her eyes filled with tears. “Yes. Believe me, I know you will hate me for a while but this must be.”

Gandalf had joined them to hear the last. He gave a kindly look to the young elleth and nodded. He knew his destiny awaited him somewhere here in the inky depths of Moria. It was one reason he had hesitated at even the suggestion of the path. He felt unready and even slightly unworthy. “We have but one choice. To go any other path would cost us too much time. And well I know the fate of this path. Let no one hold Aewnaur accountable for anything that might befall us here.”

Renee stayed close to Legolas all the rest of the day and well into the next. Fearing Aragorn’s reaction to the outcome of this dark faithless journey through the dwarf city. She had not slept in a week and the darkness began playing with her mind. On the second night of their walk through the long darkness she found her brother sitting alone and approached him.

“Are you angry with me?”

“Of course not, muinthel. Come sit beside me. You need rest.”

“I am sleepy. I fear it though. The dreams are hard here in Middle-Earth. Too real, the visions too dark. I fought so hard in Rivendell to control my gifts yet when I sleep all control is lost. I drift from one to the next with no rhyme or reason. And the recurring one,” she shuddered with the memory. “It scares me like nothing else, not even the whole of the Ring Quest,” she snuggled in to her adopted brother’s side. The only place she allowed herself to feel truly safe and relaxed. She knew she would need to be at her best for the coming battle.

Aragorn held her, relieved that she had finally succumbed. All of the group saw the girl curl up in Aragorn’s embrace and tried extra hard to be quiet. All except Boromir who scoffed.

“The female is more trouble than she is worth.”

“Be careful what you say, Man of Gondor. You speak of your Princess,” Legolas nearly snarled.

“What is this you say?” Boromir stalled in his pacing, eyes fixed on the man who would be king.

“She is Aewnaur, daughter of Arathorn. Your King’s sister.”

“She is an elf,” Boromir was baffled at this new information. Bad enough that he had to admit the King might return and usurp his and his father’s place in Gondor but to know that Arathorn had not one but two heirs for his throne! Damnation.

“Be quiet both of you and let the child sleep. It matters very little who she is at this point. She is one of us. One of the Fellowship and she needs rest. You will keep a civil tongue in your head Boromir,” Gandalf spoke up before resuming his quiet conversation with Frodo.

Boromir glared at Aragorn again. Just as he was beginning to feel comfortable around the other man something new always happened.

~

They had come and gone quickly from the guard room and to Renee it seemed the book and movie were melding together in such a way as that neither was real and her foreknowledge useless. Pippin still dropped the stone down the well and she had thought about stilling his hand too late. Though plainly you could never know exactly what cause led to what effect. If she stopped Pippin’s foolishness would the orcs come? And what of the Balrog? Grief for Gandalf filled her heart.

Since coming to Middle-Earth and becoming an Elf it seemed her emotions were so much more intense. The grief for a friend not yet lost was nearly more that she could take. Add to that the depression of her situation and the odd fear of the growing intimacy with Legolas and she was clinging to Aragorn more and speaking less. However listening to Gimli go on about how great the Dwarrowdelf was of old filled the silence for the hobbits, no one but Legolas and Aragorn seemed to notice.

On the last day in Moria when Gandalf had announced they would see the Mirrormere and everyone’s spirit was lifted Renee sighed and gathered her courage. If the other world could not break her, this would not either. ‘Courage, sister of Aragorn. Facing many orcs and goblin men are the least of your worries this day.’ Renee thought to herself.

Legolas caught the stray thought from his position in the back of the company and wondered. He made himself as ready as he could trusting to her foresight.

They stopped to eat a light meal and rest a bit. Renee looked to Gandalf who set himself away from the rest of the company. When their eyes met she could see Gandalf’s own knowledge of the ending of this day. He was letting the company rest before battle. Frodo set himself next to Renee who herself was still within easy reaching distance of Aragorn. He seemed overly depressed to her. Knowing that he did not have the morgul wound to sap his strength she assumed that like the rest of them the darkness was making the journey seem hopeless. Above all of them Frodo needed to keep hope until the very last.

A world without heroes
Is like a world without sun
You can't look up to anyone
Without heroes
And a world without heroes
Is like a never ending race
Is like a time without a place
A pointless thing devoid of grace
Where you don't know what you're after
Or if something's after you
And you don't know why you don't know
In a world without heroes
In a world without dreams
Things are no more than they seem
And a world without heroes
Is like a bird without wings
Or a bell that never rings
Just a sad and useless thing
Where you don't know what you're after
Or if something's after you
And you don't know why you don't know
In a world without heroes
There's nothing to be
It's no place for me

She sang quietly in a voice the hobbits were familiar with. Nervous and full of emotion. The same voice she had used the first night she sang to them on the way from Bree. Uncertain of her reception but willing to try to lift their spirits. Frodo laid his head on her arm when the song was done. It was a sad kind of song yet filled with hope. It did what he thought was impossible. It gave him hope that even if his life was forfeit in this endeavor at least he had made a difference.

Soon they came to the tomb Renee had feared. Here Lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria.

“He is dead then,” said Frodo.

“I feared it was so.” Gimli cast his hood over his face hiding his grief, yet the sobs that echoed through the room it stifled not.


~in order of appearance~
Miruvor - elvish cordial
~I walk Alone, Kiss~
~Step by Step, Anne Lennix~
~World without Heroes, Kiss~

tbc...