Such is life

Summary: Dom's birthday and he can't sleep. The day just had to be fucked up.

2. I don’t belong here:

//Stupid sun!// Dom cursed silently and pulled the blanket over his face with a frustrated groan to protect his eyes from the first sunlight of the warm summer morning.

//Stupid fucking summer with its stupid fucking sun!!//

He didn’t want to wake up yet. It was only…7 fucking 45! On a Sunday! And of course it was his 19th birthday. Yet another reason for the day being fucked up.

Dom rolled onto his right side and wrapped the blue blanket tightly around his body, pulling his naked legs up to his stomach, trying to will his body to relax and let his mind drift away into the sweet land of dreams again.

Barely 5 minutes later limbs emerged from under the covers, kicking the blankets out of the bed with an angry scream. //Too fucking warm!!//

It couldn’t be true, Dom thought as he lay down on the bare mattress wearing only black boxers, with his arms and legs wide spread. Body warmth was the last thing he needed now. Again Dom closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come and claim him.

Only a few minutes later blue eyes fluttered open again and Dom sat up. He was wide awake now, he decided as he started to count the small blue squares on the blanket lying on the floor where he had thrown it earlier in anger.

238 squares later Dom felt close to hysterics. What was he doing anyway? Counting squares on the morning of his birthday while sitting on a mattress.

He let his head fall back with a broad smile on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes. Forgetting about the room surrounding him he fell back on the mattress, the smile vanishing from his lips as swiftly as it had come.

“Fucking shit!” Dom growled, closing his eyes again. He knew exactly what he looked like right now, he had seen it all too often in his mirror. Now he could see his own reflection in front of his mind’s eye glaring at him with hard blue eyes. His lips were pressed tightly together to a thin line. Why was he here anyway?

Every morning he stood up, went to school, came back late in the afternoon, made his homework, got secretly drunk and slept a few hours. Was that life? Wasn’t there something missing? Something your parents used to promise you when you were a kid.

Love, bliss, just a little bit of happiness.

Dom was 19 now and he didn’t even remember what it felt like to be truly happy, to be completely in tune with your life.

He had always told himself that it would end, the emptiness would go away, but slowly understanding started to dribble into his heart like poison: It wouldn’t change, it never had.

Of course Dom had a family and friends he loved dearly, but it simply wasn’t enough. Dom winced slightly as the yearning for some human warmth hit him so strongly that he imagined hands touching him, lips kissing his face, invisible smiles haunting his every thought. Just for a few moments Dom let himself fall into that feeling, let himself be caressed and loved, but all too soon his moan of pleasure turned into a choked sob as he realized that again it was nothing but a cruel dream.

Dom’s heart cramped at the thought that he was alone in his room and he rolled up to a tight ball of pain as so often before as the tears refused to spill from his eyes.

Pain…

His only friend, Dom smiled bitterly as he drew blunt nails down the soft skin of his upper arm. Dom knew there wouldn’t be any marks the next day, there never were. He took care about that.

It had to be enough for now, he decided after a while as he watched the reddened lines and small half-moon prints on his skin. He denied himself more of it, because he knew how much he needed it. Once started he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

Shuddering at the thought he bit down on his lip and slapped his cheek once, twice, thrice with all his force, hoping that he would accidentally draw blood this time.

Of course he didn’t.

Fuck. Bloody fucking great. Now he started to get scared of himself. There, he had said it.

Yes, Domenic fucking Monaghan was scared that one day he might loose control over himself and commit suicide.

Well, that was not true, Dom scolded himself, already regretting his overeager thought. No, he wouldn’t do it. That’s at least what he told himself. Only in his worst moments when he was really lost between the edge of reality and madness, only then he thought of what death would be like. It wasn’t really what he wanted. His thoughts were just a little morbid lately…

Still it was always there, nudging at the edge of his mind when he was eating, driving his car…

Some years ago he had even gotten used to some unhealthy mannerisms. Food, water, the air he breathed, it all felt filthy, like some kind of poison that was slowly killing him from the inside. He had forced himself to eat, still did at times, telling himself that his feelings were nonsense.

Enough of that. Dom decided to try and think positive. Nice little virgin New Zealand sheep running around on green grass, fluffy brown teddy bears, happy couples…

//No, stop it!// Happy couples was no positive thinking.

Evil couples running around with happy smiles on their faces! They would kiss in public just to make Dom feel bad. Oh, and even worse!! They would produce these little things called babies!

Nobody could hate them, not even Dom. They were just too cute and that was the worst thing about them. Seemingly they made everybody happy. Dom suddenly wished he owned something like a baby, too. Something that would just babble some unintelligible sounds and then smile at Dom a toothless grin and make him happy without any special reason.

Too bas he was gay.

Smiling softly at the sudden wetness in his eyes, Dom decided he would have to find a Placebo baby. That sounded even odd in his own ears. Placebo babies… Now he was really going mad.

Groaning angrily Dom rolled around on his bed some more times and then came to rest on his back. //Sleep…// he told himself. Sleep would get him out of his freak mode. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep now that he had been awake that long, but he could at least rest a little longer.

Just close his eyes a little… Dom’s breathing slowed down when he let himself sink into nothingness. If somebody entered the room right now he would certainly think that Dom was asleep. He lay in the same position, breathed in the same manner… The only thing different was that Dom was totally aware of his surroundings.

The ticking sound of the clock, his own breathing, the little fly landing on the desk beneath Dom’s bed. All of it was there, but it didn’t matter to Dom, it couldn’t hurt him.

Slowly he opened first one eye then the other. Sometimes he could stay like that for hours, but today he was too restless.

Even more rolling around on the mattress. Without a warning Dom’s shoulders started to shake in silent sobs as he cried dry tears, the sobs slowly turning into hysterical fits of laughter.

“I’m mad,” he sang. “Mad, mad, bloody fucking mad… Stupid!!” he suddenly screamed and started to hit his face again, not even feeling the pain.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!!” A false grin spread on his lips as his hands reached out for his neck, suddenly pressing tighter, denying himself breath. Not long though. Only long enough for him to feel it, enough to calm him down.

Dom took a shivering breath. The madness and the anger were gone and only sadness was left. In moments like this Dom always felt so utterly lost and alone. //Fuck…// he thought as his stomach cramped to a pained knot.

Numbly he stood up and walked to the bathroom, silently staring at his own reflection in the mirror for many minutes. Dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, his eyes wet from uncried tears that wouldn’t come out.

//You really look fucked up, luv// he thought, addressing his reflection and bent down to splash cold water into his face, hoping that would wash the tiredness from it.

Sighing deeply Dom looked at the clock. In two hours he had to be at Orli’s place. Orli, Liv and Billy had promised to cook him a birthday meal.

Two hours were a little short to get over his sadness. It wouldn’t just go away, it never did.

Dom decided he needed to get out of his house and so he grabbed some clothes and his car keys and drove to the beach. It was on the way to Orli’s anyway.

Tbc...