TiLove That Was Lost

The fighting was over now. Gandalf had arrived with the exiled Eomer, and the riders who had stayed loyal to Rohan, and saved the day. Saved us. But I wished that they hadn't. I wished that they had at least waited until I had been slain so that I might join you. But they didn't give me that. Everyone was so happy. They were rejoicing in a fight well done and a victory that would go down in the history books. But that matters little to me.



I began to wander out of the halls they were gathered in, and out of the keep altogether. As their laughter echoed in my ears. I walked down the long sidewalk of grey stone that reflected my own grey and broken heart. Unmoving and uncaring. I retraced my steps back to where I was standing when I knew that you were going to be taken from me, and looked out over the stone floor below. The smell of dead orcs and rotting bodies tickled at my nose.



I would have brought my hand up and put it over my nose to stop the smell from invading my brain, but I no longer cared. My arms stayed at my sides, unmoving. My sky blue eyes couldn't help but skim over the fallen below, as men and women walked among the dead, trying to find loved ones. They wouldn't be finding any happiness in the battle that was won today. And I wondered if I would ever feel joy again, knowing that you’re no longer walking this earth.



Aragorn was down there among them.I knew what he was looking for. You. I should have been the one doing that. I should have been the one to find your fallen body. Maybe then I could have wept for you. Maybe then I could have forgiven myself. Maybe then the guilt that clung to my body could have been released. I should have stayed with you during the fight. My skill with the bow was well know in the Elven kingdom. I know that if I had asked you, you would have let me stay with our brethren, with you. But I had let the dwarf Gimli talk me into going with him to the front lines. I shouldn't have let you out of my sight. Maybe then I could have saved you, instead of playing a childish game with Gimli. But even that knowledge didn't bring any feeling to my all too cold body. I felt like a ghost floating in the air. Or like some stone on Middle Earth that feels nothing and studies the world with weary detachment.



My heart started to beat faster as Aragorn dropped to one knee, his hands moving under the mud. He tugged your body back up to the surface and back into his arms. I could see the glitter of tears on his cheeks. I could hear the mournful cry he let fall from his lips. You would think he was the one mourning his lover's death and not me.



How I longed to join him down there. How I wanted to let the tears fall from my eyes. But they refused to come. I found myself wondering what was wrong with me. Why I could not show how much your death was hurting me. Why I couldn't show how much I want to die, now that you're not in this world. I turned away from the sight below me as Aragorn kept crying, letting out the pain he felt for your death.



Slowly, I walked over to the wall that was still standing after the battle, and leant my elbows on it. A breath of clean air touched my lungs, and out before me swept wave after wave of flowing green hills and bright sunny blue skies. Even the gift of nature did nothing to warm my heart. A shiver ran over my body, despite the warmth it was bathed in from the glowing sun.



There was movement out of the corner of my vision and I knew that I should be wary. Some orcs might still be alive in the keep. But I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. If it was an orc, I welcomed it to take my life. To let me leave this world. But I knew it was not, as I saw the elven clothes of another elf. This elf came to stand next to me, the smell of the Golden Woods clinging to him.



I let hope rise in me. I thought perhaps I was wrong. Maybe this was all a nightmare and you were still alive. For the first time since last night, I felt the touch of a smile on my lips, and warmth swept into my body. It was you. No one else carried this scent on them. It was your scent, something that I so loved about you. I could only imagine what you were thinking of me. A silly little boy, mourning over someone that was not dead. I heard your name leave my lips. "Haldir?"



I turned to you then. My hand slowly moved up, and my fingertips twirled a small piece of your hair around them. But as my eyes came to rest on that hair, my heart died once more. The smile faded from my lips. I could feel all the colour leaving my face. My hand began to shake.



Cold. God, I was so cold.



The hair around my fingers was black, not golden like yours, like the sunlight that dances on the waves in the river in the Golden Wood. My knees threatened to give out on me, but somehow I stayed upright. I tried changing my expression into a look of indifference, but I couldn't hide the hurt. The pain.



My eyes wandered up to the face of the elf. I tried to issue an apology from my lips, but I could not speak. I couldn't get the words out around the lump I felt in my throat. I couldn't even show any respect as my eyes came to rest on the one before me.



Lord Elrond?



What was he doing here?



"Legolas?" I heard his voice. It's full of so many unspoken questions. Questions I couldn't answer right now. I hurt so much.



No.



No, I didn't feel anything. Nothing.



I was so confused by this new feeling. I felt your eyes on me. I knew what you were thinking. You were thinking that I am a youth, and that the reson I as acting so strangly was because I was so young but it was not. No one ever did know about you and me, Haldir. Perhaps it would have been easier to speak. Easier to seek comfort from someone had we spoken of our love to others and not keep it hidden.



"What is wrong Legolas?"



I heard him asking me, and still I couldn't speak. And, before I knew it, I was running. I could only imagine what I looked like. A grown elf running away from his elder like a scared little child. But I couldn't help it, and continued running.



Why Haldir?



Why did you have to leave me?