Knocking At Heaven's Door

Title: Knocking At Heaven's Door
Author: Emmess
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Everything I can think of without being overly gross and offensive.
Pairings: Almost every Elf in Arda
Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely associated with Tolkien's universe, and actually…very little of anything else.
Summery: Ever wonder what happens to fanfic writers after they die? Would heaven be heaven without Elves and sex? Um…no. No, it wouldn't…

Chapter Two
Paradise Found


Evidently, the dead can faint, because the next thing I knew, I was lying flat on my back looking up into a pair of perplexed gray eyes.


"Are you feeling a little better now?" Rumil asked, looking a tad bit worried. "You're my responsibility and I'd rather not have to explain why you're spending your first day in Heaven unconscious."


"You can't be Rumil."


"I am Rumil."


"Rumil is an Elf."


"I am an Elf."


"Let me see your ears."


"You should really buy me dinner, first."


"Don't be fresh, just show me your ears."


Rumil grinned and bent lower, pulling back a hank of long, silky-looking silver hair, revealing his right ear for me - his delicate, shell-like, pointed ear.


I couldn't help myself. I really couldn't…after all, who could pass up an opportunity like that? Reaching up with one finger I gently touched the tip. I pulled my finger away as if it had been burned, my mouth forming a giant "O."


Rumil wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Now you really should buy me dinner. What kind of an Elf do you think I am?"


"Elf. You're an Elf."


"I just told you that. Wanna see what else I've got that's pointed?"


"You’re a dirty Elf."


"I beg to differ…I just took a bath this morning. C'mon, get up, we should get moving."


"You're Rumil."


"I know, but thank you for reminding me," he said, taking hold of my arm to help me up.


"You're Haldir's brother."


"Orophin's too, don't forget him. He gets annoyed because everyone always mentions Haldir first," Rumil continued, pulling harder on my arm.


"How can that be? You're fictional."


"And you're dead…and this is heaven…and would you please stand up so we can get moving?"


"I don't understand any of this," I said, allowing him to pull me to my feet.


Rumil sighed, brushing the hair out of my eyes with his long, graceful fingers. "You haven't read the orientation literature yet, have you?" he asked, shaking his head. "I've told them time and time again to make the newcomers read the literature before sending them on into Heaven Proper. It would make afterlife so much easier on all of us."


I looked at the ground, and bent to pick up the brochure that the girl at the desk had given me, as well as the set of keys.


Glancing at the literature, I read a few lines, although nothing really sank in at that time, since all I could really think about was the fact that, not only was I dead, but I was standing next to a genuine, dyed-in-the-wool Elf, and that the Elf in question was Rumil.

"10 Things the Dead Should Know About Being Dead."

"So This Is Heaven…Now What?"

"Guide to Shopping, Dining, and Entertainment In Heaven Proper."

"Would you mind closing your mouth…you look like a fish," Rumil requested, closing said mouth with one finger. He smiled tolerantly, taking my elbow and urging me forward.

Gallantly, he held one of the double doors open for me, and I stepped through into Heaven Proper. Freezing in place, I suddenly knew how Dorothy must have felt when she stepped out of the house and into Oz. Color assaulted me from every side - vivid, bright, rich colors of every hue and value. I actually had to clutch Rumil's arm to steady myself against the shock.


Well, truthfully, I didn't exactly have to clutch his arm…but it was as good an excuse as any. Pretending to be overwhelmed by the beauty and power of the place, it was the beauty and power of the hard muscles of his forearm that I was thinking about.


"The rest of me is just as hard," Rumil whispered into my ear, a laugh evident in his voice. He was smiling in a most unsettling manner.

"Stop reading my mind! You promised!" I yelled, snatching my hand away. I opened my mouth to start singing again, my fingers reaching for my ears.


Instantly, he grabbed my wrists, apologizing and swearing not to do it again. "Really, music is not your forte!" he cried, shaking his head, his lovely silken hair swinging gently, which made me finally notice the braids that held the long silvery strands off of his face. Pulling my wrists free, I turned from him, trying to concentrate on the beauty of the mallorn forest in which I had found myself. Trying to concentrate on anything, really, other than Rumil.


Rumil tapped me on the shoulder, gallantly holding out his arm for me to take. "Shall we?"


"Shall we what?"


"Shall we go to your new home?" he smiled that devastating, toothy smile again. I brushed past him and headed into the forest. Following me, I could hear him sigh so exaggeratedly, that I just knew he was rolling his eyes behind my back.


We had walked quite a ways, before Rumil touched my arm, saying, "Here we are…Number One, Lorien Way."


I looked at the base of the tree in front of which we had stopped, seeing a small sign planted in the mossy ground. It had my name engraved on it in fancy, curlicue lettering, along with the address, and an arrow pointing up toward the sky. My eyes followed the direction of the arrow, finally spotting a talan perched in the uppermost branches of the tremendous tree.


"Oh, no…you've got to be kidding!" I murmured, already feeling dizzy. "How do you expect me to get up there?"


"Well…there's the ladder…" Rumil said, pointing to a sparkly silver rope ladder that dripped down the side of the tree.


"Not a chance, buster. I don't like heights - there's no way I can climb that thing!"


Rumil chuckled, then reached out and pressed a small, previously unnoticed by me, button on the trunk of the tree. "We thought that would be the case with you…which is why we installed an elevator."


A door slid silently open in the trunk of the tree, revealing a small lift. Grabbing my hand, Rumil led me into the elevator, pushing another button on the inside. The door slid shut again, and I felt the elevator begin to move upwards.

"How can there be an elevator in the middle of the Golden Wood?" I asked, not quite believing what I was seeing.


"This is Heaven…we can pretty much do as we please up here," Rumil replied. He began to hum along with the elevator music that was softly playing in the background. Evidently, he liked Yanni's version of "Dude Looks Like A Lady."


"First floor, women's lingerie!" He called cheerfully, as the elevator stopped and the door slid open. Gallantly, he waved his arm inside, giving a little half bow, encouraging me to enter first.


I found myself in a lovely, large room, decorated in warm, earthy colors. A large picture window, located above a table and four chairs, offered a panoramic view of Heaven Proper. Mallorn trees spread to the east and west, while off in the distance, across an open meadow filled with wildflowers, I could see a city of sorts built up the sides of a towering waterfall.


"Rivendell?" I breathed, my fingers pressed to the glass in wonder.


"Yuppers," Rumil answered. "The Last Homely House. Off to your right, past the end of the Golden Wood is the Mirkwood, er…Greenwood Forest. I keep forgetting to call it that now -Thranduil gets so annoyed at me… To the left, also just out of sight from here, is Caras Galadhon. You'll get the grand tour later."


I tore my gaze from the window and glanced around the room trying to take everything in. Opposite the table and chairs, a huge fieldstone fireplace graced one entire wall. There was also a good-sized, intricately carved armoire, and a gigantic, four poster, king sized bed, dressed in deep ruby-colored satin sheets and comforter.


"That's the biggest bed I've ever seen," I murmured, unable to resist running my hand over the decadent satin.


"They tend to be a little on the large side here - we like having the room."


Another, smaller room branched off from the main room. Poking my head into the doorway, I was stunned to see a large, deep garden tub with what appeared to be hot and cold water taps. I could see jets in the sides of the tub, and realized that it was a jacuzzi.


Turning to Rumil, I cocked an eyebrow, giving him a questioning look.


"It wouldn't be much of a Heaven without hot and cold running water, now would it?" He smiled, leaning against the doorframe.


I noticed, in passing, the lack of a toilet in the bathroom - I figured that there was really no need for that anymore. Seeing a small, narrow cabinet, I nosily opened it, scanning its contents. The shelves within were stacked with thick, fluffy towels, bottles of oils, and several varieties of scented soaps. Blushing, I noticed a few other items in there as well, including a large, pink dildo.


Quickly closing the cabinet door, I spun around, catching Rumil slipping out of his tunic.


"What are you doing now?" I stammered, unable to tear my eyes from the sculpted chest and corded abdomen he revealed.


"Thought we'd try the tub…and a few other things…you know you want to," he grinned, taking a step toward me.


"That's it! I've had it with the mind games! Get out of my head and stay out!" I yelled, storming past him into the main room of the talan.


He followed behind me, sighing loudly. "Elrond warned me that you were going to be difficult. Look, this would be a pretty poor excuse for Paradise if we didn't know what you wanted, wouldn't it? Just take a few moments and read the pamphlet - it will explain a lot. Someone will be back later to escort you to the welcoming feast. There are clothes in the armoire if you care to change - it is a semi-formal dinner."

Passing me, he suddenly froze, grabbed my head with both hands and swooped in to plant a firm, hot kiss on my lips.


"I was NOT thinking that!" I yelled, blushing furiously, when he broke the kiss.


"I know…but I was…" he grinned, tossing his tunic over his shoulder and stepping into the elevator. He winked and waggled his fingers at me as the elevator door slid shut.


I was very glad that the door had closed and he was out of sight before my knees gave out and I sank to the floor, my lips still burning.