Much Ado About Dom

Teaching The Masses
Type: RPS
Author: Foofy (niceandfluffy@hotmail.com)
Pairing: DM/EW; VM/SB; OB/BB
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Never happened. Characters are not an accurate representation of the actors in any way, shape or form, and are not making a statement on actual sexual preferences. In short, it’s all lies.
Description: Sequel to Much Ado About Dom. Dom seeks out advice from Sean and Viggo on his blossoming relationship with Elijah.
Feedback: Definitely

****

Dom had a problem. It was a huge problem to him, and prayed on his poor little mind most of the time, except on the occasions that Orlando preyed on him for jokes, japes and other general business on a dubious nature which required all of Dom’s attention. Dom wasn't sure which was worse.

His relationship with Lij was growing steadier each day. Which was a good thing. A very good thing. At least that stopped the underlying tension he felt every time Elijah brushed past him, and the general insanity of trying to remain "good" whilst in his presence. However, there were many things that could be improved, and mostly on Dom's side too. Dom felt far too inexperienced for this sort of thing. He couldn't just pass off stuff like cinema trips and the occasional meal out as the romantic/passionate element of his love life. For one thing it was excessively sad.

Which led to the question; How could he improve it? How could he sweep Elijah off his feet without either looking daft or using a household cleaning utensil? This was far too complicated for him. He needed help.

Which was why he had managed to track down Sean Bean in a thankfully empty room, eating a pitiful excuse for a lunch which Viggo had insisted upon. Ever since Sean and Viggo had come clean about their relationship, it was pretty clear to everyone they had quite a solid partnership going on, one that made people go aaaahhh and occasionally wistful. And it was all down to Billy and Orli and a large pot of jam, but that was Another Story Entirely.

" You want me to do what?" Sean asked, frown on his face. Dom waved a hand.

" Give me some advice," he said. " That's all,"

Sean raised an eyebrow. " That's never all with you lot," he commented, giving his healthy option sandwich another pitiful look.

" Go on, Sean!" Dom pleaded. Whoops. He had been saving the pleading until later. Oh well. He glanced towards the doorway, checking that no one had scuttled through the door without his knowledge.

" Why me?" protested Sean.

" Why not?" countered Dom.

" Why not Iain? He's got a wealth of experience hidden away in that filthy mind of his," Sean offered, trying to throw someone else to the passion filled wolves.

" I want your help!" said Dom stubbornly. " You're sane and seem to have a great relationship! That thing you and Viggo did at the pub last night...,"

Sean sighed. That particular "thing" was obviously going to be the bane of his life. He had had sniggers and wry smiles follow him wherever he went today - hence the empty room for lunching - and there was no way he could loo a s a snooker ball without wincing again.

" Hmmm," he grunted. Dom took this to be an encouraging grunt, and stepped up the attack. Good lord, any more of this and he'd be another Orlando.

" Please! Just a little piece of advice! Or tips! Or something else!" Dom prodded a carrot stick that was sitting rejected by the equally unappetising sandwich as something to do.

" That's my lunch you're harrassing," Sean pointed out, obviously going to do nothing to defend his hassled foodstuffs. " and I don't know anything anyway! Couldn't you talk to the other hobbits?" he tried.

" No."

" Orlando?" Sean tried desperately. Dom gave him a look. Sean had to concede the unspoken point.

" I want you," he repeated.

" Great! Now you're propositioning me!" Idly, Sean flicked a pea that had mistakenly rolled in his direction. He sighed, and glanced at him.

" Okay. Fine. How about a nice meal at a restaurant?" he tried.

" Dull."

Sean raised his eyes to heaven. " It has to be exciting as well?!" he sighed.

" Well, how would you seduce Elijah if it was you?"

" Five hundred miles away from Viggo," replied Sean dryly. " Although Viggo is obviously not a jealous lover or anything, being sweet and sexy and kind and thoughtful-"

" - and standing by the doorway," finished Viggo, who had managed to enter the room using techniques he had obviously swiped from the elves. " What's going on? And why is your lunch still not eaten?"

Sean gave an incredibly innocent look, then peered down at his lunch as if it had suddenly and inexplicitly materialised in front of him. He looked back up at Viggo who was watching him suspiciously.

" It's good for you," Viggo pointed out.

" I don't do things that are good for me!" complained Sean. Dom felt this was probably a good moment to break into the heart warming argument before Sean got scared off.

" Sean was just giving me some advice," he said. Viggo raised an eyebrow. Dom felt that particular eyebrow was getting far too much exercise recently. Teyebeyebrow was always sceptical about Dom's plans.

" You're asking Sean?" he repeated, as though Dom had suggested he dance around naked in front of the world's media. Sean looked insulted.

" And why wouldn't he ask me?" he said indignantly. Viggo gave him a patient look.

" Coming from the man who had the Great Sandwich Idea?" he murmured softly. " Oh, and let's not forget the whole I-Can-Easily-Jump-That-Giant-Log, and we spent four hours at the hospital?"

" That's not the point and you know it!" snapped Sean.

" Just as well it wasn't a point, otherwise the whole experience would have been extremely nasty for all concerned," Viggo mused lightly, and sat down on the table next to the still uneaten sandwich. " So what was the advice about?"

Dom looked embarrassed. " Well, it's kind of difficult...," he began. Viggo nodded wisely.

" Ah," he said. " Elijah." Not Not necessarily!" protested Dom. Viggo gave him a look. Dom relented. " Well, yeah, possibly he might .. *might* .. have something to do with-"

" He wants some seducing techniques," commented Sean, who was getting hungry enough to give the sandwich another experimental poke.

" Sean!!" Dom felt the embarrassment rise until it was about to choke him in nasty nasty ways. Sean, who after the second poke had decided he would never be *that* hungry, glanced up in surprise.

" What?" he said. Dom rolled his eyes, and glanced nervously back to Viggo who was still sitting on the table with a faint faraway look in his eyes. Well, at least he hadn't laughed. Mind you, he hadn't done anything. Perhaps he had died from shock.

Before Dom could get around to testing his theory, Viggo spoilt it by moving.

" Right," he said. " What does he like?"

Dom blinked. This was entering strange new worlds and civilisations as far as he was concerned. Any minute now he was probably expected to shoot to kill.

" Like?" he repeated. " Like what?"

Viggo gave another patient sigh, something that had cropped up a lot ever since Sean had accidentally been given a free rein in using Viggo's bathroom and had apparently violated the soap on a rope. The poor thing would never be the same again.

" I mean," he said kindly. " What does Elijah prefer? There's no point in doing something romantic and heart-warming when all he wants is to be fucked hard against the nearest wall,"

Sean made a noise, and received a cuff round the back of his head for his troubles. Dom recovered his jaw from the floor.

" Er. Well. I think he prefers .. er...," Dom trailed to a halt, and waved a hand as though that could explain it better for him. Viggo and Sean waited patiently, Sean attempting to hide a widening grin before either Dom or Viggo noticed. Viggo noticed. Sean got walloped again.

" The more physical side?" suggested Viggo. Dom leapt on this description happily.

" Yes! That's it!"

" Hmmm," It was a perfect imitation of the noise made by mechanics when faced with a new car and the opportunity for big bills. Dom looked at him worriedly.

" Hmmm? Hmmmm what? What's to hmmmmm?!"

" Nothing, nothing. Just considering we might have to work on the speeches as well as the physical encouragement," Viggo gave him a remarkably bright smile. " Don't worry," he said soothingly. " We can practise some techniques,"

This did not sooth Dom's rather frayed nerves. " Techniques?" he echoed.

" Talking,"

" Oh," Dom relaxed. So did Sean.

" We'll pretend that Sean's Lij and you can practise on him," continued Viggo, as if discussing the weather. Dom shot him a look, which was not half as panicked as the one given by Sean.

" What?!" they accidentally chorused. Viggo sighed.

" Practise what you're going to say on Sean," he repeated patiently, and gave Sean a shove out of his chair.

" But..," tried Sean, who had suddenly discovered the current world events did not agree with his sense of relaxation. " Why me?!"

Viggo made an "oh shush" gesture with a hand. Sean glared at him, then glanced at Dom who appeared to be looking at him up and down as though assessing his suitability and general attractiveness.

" What?!" Sean protested. " And this isn't going to work! I'm not Elijah! I don't bounce, I'm not short and I don't flutter!"

" True. It would be very difficult. After all," Viggo raised The Eyebrow again. " Its not as if you're an actor or anything,"

Sean muttered something about arrogant sarcastic bastards. Viggo gave another bright smile, and indicated that Sean should get on with it before certain partners got slightly irritated and therefore would do something nasty to certain blondes. Sean sighed, and looked back at Dom who had managed to get to the embarrassed stage.

" Hi, darling," Sean said in a higher pitched voice. " What are we doing tonight?"

Viggo blinked. Dom's embarrassment turned into wild panic. Thers a s a pause while the audience tried to regain mental abilities.

" What the hell was that?!" asked Viggo finally. Sean huffed.

" You said be Elijah. So I am," Sean was set for a damn good sulk.

" What version? The drag one?!" Viggo rolled his eyes, and settled himself in a more comfortable position on the table. " Just be normal, Sean. Or at least," he amended. " as normal as you normally get,"

" Git," muttered Sean.

" I heard that," Viggo smiled at him.

" Well, it wasn't as if I had said it out loud now was it?" Sean snapped. Dom looked from one man to the other nervously, waiting for the mini feud to finish. After a sharp glare at Sean, Viggo turned his attention back to Dom.

" Go on," he said in a kindly voice. " It's okay,"

Dom had a feeling Viggo was treating him like a three year old on his first day of school, but decided to get on with it anyway. Sean watched him patiently as Dom edged his way towards him.

" Er. Evening," he said.

" Hi," replied Sean, arms folded, watching him with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. Dom struggled to find something to say.

" How was your day?" he tried.

" Light." Sean grinned, then found the motivation to relent as Viggo's death glare fell on the back of his neck. " I mean, fine. It was fine,"

" Oh. Good."

There was a paused, filled with a sigh from Viggo.

" That was it?" he remarked. " Where's the passion? Where's the seduction? Where's the lust? Try it again, and get that ... ooomph! in there!"

Dom was very tempted to ask exactly what ooomph! consisted of, but Viggo had a wild glint in his eyes. Dom shrugged and turned back to Sean.

" Fancy a shag?" he asked.

" Sure," replied Sean. Dom grinned. That was easy. There was another groan from the table where either Viggo was disappointed or had sat on Sean's abandoned sandwich.

" Shall we try that again?" sighed Viggo. " And lets not say anything. Suggest it with your body," Viggo made another wave of the hands towards Dom in what he assumed was supposed to be a helpful gesture. Dom looked blankly at Sean.

" Do you want me to write Fuck Me on your chest?" offered Sean, happy to help. " Then you get love notes as well!"

" SEAN!" snapped Viggo.

" What?" protested Sean. " Love notes are romantic!" However, he decided to try and behave a bit more before he guaranteed himself a rather rough night. Viggo had that look in his eye that promised unsuitable things later on. He unfolded his arms, and waited for the first move.

Dom, however, looked like a rabbit in front of a speeding tank. " But...," he babbled. Viggo smiled, slid off the table and wandered over, pausing only to give Sean another friendly whack as he passed. Dom's eyes widened he lhe larger man got closer, and suddenly seized Dom's hands as though he was about to wander off with them. Dom felt a gentle tug through his arms as Viggo attempted to get him moving.

" It helps," he said gently. " if you're near your partner at the time,"

Dom finally managed to move over to Sean, who was watching them suspiciously. Viggo smiled at them both.

" Right," he said, releasing Dom's hands and taking a step back. " Go for it. Pretend it's dancing or something,"

Dom gave a desperate glance towards Sean's body, and wondered exactly where he could get away with holding. Not that Sean wasn't attractive, however. Just had a large boyfriend on standby and a very dubious grin on his face. Dom hesitantly put a hand on Sean's waist, being hopefully a safe area. However, he had not counted on the additional "help" of Viggo, who re-seized the hands and placed one firmly on Sean's arse, the other wrapped round the now surprised Sean's waist so they were extremely close indeed. So close that Dom could feel Sean's breath on his skin, and Sean's heart beat against his chest.

Viggo seemed pleased, which was a strange occurrence when you considered someone else was wrapped round his boyfriend. Mind you, Viggo was a strange person. And Sean had an incredible arse, Dom decided. Not as nice as Lij's, obviously, he thought hastily to himself, but certainly had merits.

Dom considered exploring with his hand, but decided against it as it would probably be considered too encouraging, especially as Viggo still had his sword on him. Sean also seemed a lot more interested in the scene, and appeared fascinated in what Dom would do next. So was Dom. And so was Orli when he bounced through the door and found Sean and Dom in what appeared to be a saucy embrace with Viggo watching. The hand/arse equation was also not lost to him.

Orli skidded to a halt, and stared at them.

" Oooooh!" he said.

There was a pause.

" Was that it?" asked Dom, who had expected a lot worse. He really should think about moving, but his limbs seemed paralysed in the position that Viggo had placed them.

" Ooooh'll do for now," replied Orlando cheerfully, moving closer for a better look. " So what's going on?"

" Nothing."

Orli's eyes slid down to the hand on the arse, then back up again. A grin appeared on his face.

" If that's nothing," he said. " I'm all for it. Can I have a go?"

" No!" snapped Viggo. Orlando sulked.

" Well, why can Dom have him and I can't?" he protested. " Look, I haven't got any diseases or anything. I'm clean! Ask Bill!"

" The pony?" asked Sean, glancing over his shoulder. Orli stuck his tongue out, and continued to view the interesting scenery. Dom felt it was probably wise at this point to move the hand, but he was having difficulty in deciding exactly where to park it. He slid it back up to the waist for safety. Sean, for his part, didn't seem to be complaining.

" Was there a reason for your intrusion?" asked Viggo, when it was obvious to everyone that Orlando wasn'ing ing to budge from the room. Orli glanced up at him.

" What? Oh! Right. Yes. Well, it was to do with takeaways, but-"

Dom was startled by Sean's sudden twist to face Orli. " Takeaways?" Sean said hopefully. Orli looked at him blankly.

" Well, yes. Hot junk food that is taken away from the restaurant and ..are you okay? You look slightly .. well ... intense," Orlando felt that backing away was probably not going to help with someone who looked like that. Viggo, who had his arms folded, started to drum his fingers on his bicep as he glared at Sean.

" Me?" replied Sean. " Nah." He quickly shot a glance at Viggo, then back at the bringer of takeaway ideas. " And takeaways are," Sean gritted his teeth. " unsuitable as a dietary addition to a healthy and balanced meal."

" Is it?" said Orli, who never cared about that sort of thing. " Oh."

" Despite their delicious tendencies," Sean added, unable to get away from the idea of takeaways. Everyone noticed the sudden faraway look Sean got in his eye as he contemplated the benefits of such foods, some more happily than others.

" No," said Viggo firmly.

" No?" Orli glanced at him. " No what?"

" Oh, come on!" pleaded Sean. " I've been on that stupid healthy plan of yours for the past three days! What’s a spring roll going to do to me?"

" Nothing," replied Viggo pleasantly. " I, however, will do a lot to you. Now get on with helping Dom seduce you, and forget about the takeaways. AND," he added to the mutinous expression that was now appearing on Sean's face. " stop sulking. Dom, keep going,"

Dom wanted nothing to do with this idea, as Sean was looking increasingly dangerous to know and an unwelcome hand on the more sensitive parts of his anatomy might spark off an accident punch. Orlando, who tended to ignore other people's arguments especially if they were aimed at him, looked even more interested.

" Seduction?" he repeated cheerfully. " Cool! But you need your hand lower down. That just looks like you're about to dance," Orli helpfully shifted Dom's hand into a more Orli-satisfactory area, and stood back, hand on chin, studying the position thoughtfully.

" Can I quit yet?" sighed Sean, who was beginning to get rather fed up of everyone's hands over his body.

" Hey, I've just started!" complained Orlando, shifting slightly to be able to work out Dom's now increasingly startled body language.

" Boo hoo," replied Sean, and was about to say something more when Orli slid up to him and stuck an arm around his shoulder, almost knocking Dom in the head.

" And I'll pay you in curry," he murmured into Sean's ear. Both Orli and Dom could feel Sean perk up at this news.

" Deal," Sean hissed back. Orli gave him an indulgent look.

" You're something of a whore, my dear," he commented. Sean gave a shrug to say that pride all all very well, but a curry was a curry. Viggo was watching this exchange with an extremely suspicious look on his face.

" And what was all that about?" he enquired as Orlando stepped back again to view his handiwork. Orli glanced at him, as though he had temporarily forgotten Viggo's existence.

" Nothing of any importance," Orli said smoothly. " Right, Dom, go!"

Dom gave him another panicked look. " Go? Go where?"

" He means get on with it," replied Sean, and sighed as Dom gave him another wide-eyed look that would not have appeared out of place on Bambi. " Oh, doesn't matter, I'll do it myself,"

Dom was shocked when Sean took a grip on him, even more so when he was drawn into what was typically called a tight embrace, and absolutely bewildered when Sean ran his tongue over Dom's lips to follow with a not quite unexpected passionate kiss.

" Like that," said Sean cheerfully once he had allowed Dom back up for air. " Get it?"

Dom paused. " Not quite," he said. " Like this?"

After about two minutes of general fumbling, kissing and horseplay, Viggo decided it was probably time to for him to extract his lover from what was obviously turning into something entirely different. Orlando was also not helping by calling encouragement and advice from the wings, and occasionally suggesting ideas that were probably banned in most countries. And then suddenly there was the problem of Billy.

" What's going on?" he wondered aloud as he wandered up to Orli.

" Dom's trying to be seductive," replied Orli cheerfully.

" Oh." Billy gave a little wave as Dom looked over to him, horrified.

" Could somebody PLEASE shut that door?!" he wailed. Sean, who had managed to extract himself from the situation with relative ease and who had also noticed the fact that Billy was munching on what appeared to be an extremely full bag of crisps, helpfully shut the door whilst also helping himself to a handful of crisps as he strolled past Billy.

" Right, that's it!" continued Dom. " I'm sure I'll do fine by myself! I don't need any more assistance!" He tried to ignore the assessing look that crossed Viggo's face at this announcement.

" But you can't!" said Billy. " I've only just got here!"

" So have you decided on how you wish to do tonight then?" asked the soft voice of Viggo nearby. Dom raised his hands which looked disturbingly like a warding off signal.

" I'll just do... what is it now?!" he snapped at the gentle sad shake of the head from Viggo. The fact that Sean was smirking in the background whilst also liberating the crisp packet from Billy was not helping his general performance.

" You shouldn't JUST do anything," replied Viggo. " It has to be a work of art, deliberate, caressing, -"

" Dull and boring," commented Orli. " Shove him up against a wall and get going!"

Viggo sighed at the follies and impatience of youth. " Without a word?"

" Sure!" Orlando grinned. " Works for me,"

" Yep," agreed Billy, who was perfectly happy with the wall shove equation.

" It does cut down on the waffle side of things,ferefered Sean between mouthfuls. Viggo gave him a look.

" So does that mean I should simply thrust you against the wall rather than attempt to engage your mind in meaningful conversation?" he argued.

" Your walls are full of junk," countered Sean. " I'd get odd bruises, cuts and injuries all over the place,"

" Oh, would that a problem for you?" asked Viggo idly, folding his arms acrhis his chest. Sean suddenly got more interested in his stolen packet of crisps.

" I'll improvise!" said Dom before any further ideas were introduced which would certainly ruin any chance of a good night’s sleep. The audience gave him a very dubious look.

“ Well, I suppose he was getting the hang of the kissing bit,” said Orli tfultfully. “ He could just do that for half an hour.”

“ Not without his hands moving a little more he couldn’t,” replied Sean, who had managed to finish Billy’s packet of crisps in record breaking time. “ You just want to grab them and …,” he caught the expression Viggo was aiming at him. “ .. uh… well, it needs work for long distance stuff anyway,”

” Your hands weren’t doing much either!” protested Dom.

“ I’m not the one who needs the help!” countered Sean.

” In sexual matters, no. General life, well, that’s debatable,” murmured Viggo. Sean rolled his eyes par parked himself on the table.

” Can I have a go?” asked Orli cheerfully. “ I’ll show him where the hands should go,”

“ No.” replied Viggo.

” Since did you have complete command over this?” complained Orli. “ Come on! Not everyone likes your method of doing things!”

“ My method of doing things? And how would you know that, prey tell?” Viggo raised an eyebrow at Orli. Dom felt the conversation might be drifting slightly.

“ Look, I’ll do the passionate snog and then …,” Dom waved a hand for inspiration. “.. drag him to the bedroom, okay?”

“ Like a caveman?” Billy grinned. “ By his hair? And you could have a huge club!”

Dom shot him a look. “ It’ll be fine,”

“ So let me get this straight,” said Viggo, who had taken a brief break in glaring at Orli to give Dom an assessing look. “ He walks through the door. You grab him, kiss him, then drag him off to the bedroom.”

“ That’s about it,”

“ Nothing said at all.”

” Nope.”

“ Might I enquire what time of day you are hoping to achieve this? Near dinner?”

Dom paused. “ I suppose I can do it after dinner.”

“ So you’ll make him eat, leave, then ask him back in?” Viggo scratched his chin thoughtfully. “ Not the most romantic thing in the world.”

” Just after dinner then! Without the door!”

” So you just go quiet?” asked Orli, who was determined to get into this conversation.

Dom made a grrrr noise in the back of his throat.

” the then, of course, we have to consider what happens IN the bedroom itself,” said Viggo in a reasonable tone. Sean gave him an extremely concerned look at this, but not entirely as concerned as the one given by Dom.

“ Are we talking diagrams or practical experience here?” asked Sean suspiciously. “ Because if you need a model I’m out of that door quicker than a cheetah with his tail on fire. No offence,” he added to Dom.

“ Of course not. People have their own techniques and desires. Did you want me to list yours?” Viggo raised an eyebrow.

“ Did you want me to break every window you possess?” replied Sean grimly. Viggo shrugged.

” That’s a no, I take it,”

Dom stared at them in bewilderment. “ Couldn’t the domestics wait until you two get home?” he protested.

“ No, this is fun!” replied Orli from his position. “ I can’t wait to find out what happens in the next exciting episode of the Sean and Viggo series!”

Two sets of glares were aimed directly at him. Orlando seemed completely unabashed by this, and stuck an arm around Billy.

“ And the next episode promises to be even more exciting!” added Billy, taking the hint. “ What will the introduction of the half naked man at the door do to the relationship?” veryveryone took a time out to stare at Billy.

” I get a half naked man at my door?” asked Viggo slowly.

“ Cool,” grinned Sean.

“ Especially for him, I would imagine,” replied Viggo drily. Dom shook his head.

“ Look, I have..,” the watch was consulted briefly. “ .. half an hour to get this sorted before I have to go back. Regardless of what the hell this half naked man is doing at Viggo’s, and why the hell you two know about it, or even which half is naked, I need some ideas! What did you two do for romance?” he appealed desperately to the audience.

Sean glanced towards Viggo in embarrassment.

“ I think we’re probably a bad example,” he said hastily. Orli tutted.

” Not as bad as us, eh, Billy?” he grinned. “ Splinters everywhere,”

“ Try mud up to your thighs and pouring rain,” replied Sean, folding his arms. Viggo raised his eyes to heaven. Sean would never let the whole mud thing go, and had not forgiven the sacrifice of the shoe lost to the demons of mud.

“ Your romances can’t all be mud!” protested Dom. Viggo had the grace to look shifty.

“ We once had a whole romantic session in a broom closet,” continued Orli, not to be outdone by mud. “ I spent most of the time with a coat hanger poking into my back and a spider threatening to board me,”

” Fun times,” sighed Billy nostalgically. Orli gave him a look. “ Well, when was the last time a broom closet was involved, eh?”

Orli had to concede the lack of brooms in their recent love life.

“ I had a lot of love notes,” offered Sean. “ Kept turning up in random places, like coat pockets and lunches and things like that,”

” What, actually IN your lunch? Hidden behind the jacket potato, that sort of thing?” Billy was fascinated by this act of food love. Dom paused for consideration.

“ That might work,” he said slowly. “ although not in the food, before you say anything Bill. What did they say?”

“ What didn’t they say?” sighed Sean. “ Took me ages to read them all. But they were very sweet.” He added swiftly.

“ Hidden in the dessert, eh?” nodded Billy wisely.

“ Romantic poetry on the whole.” Viggo had decided to defend his love note’s reputation. “ Although a few were .. uh… more direct,”

“ Although at no point was up against a wall mentioned, incidentally,” added Sean, in case such things were an issue. “ Probably not suitable for poetry.”

” Well, this is no good for tonight,” said Orlando crossly. “ What’s he going to do, walk in there and hand him a note? Some sort of erotic scavenger hunt? No, you need something more physical. Something with a bit of .. well, *thrust*,”

“ I can *do* the thrust thank you very much, Orli!” Dom looked sulky. Orlando waved him down a bit.

” Calm! I meant a bit more interest. Like… massage!” Orli clicked his fingers. “ That’ll do it! Give him a nice massage and let it progress. Candles, soft music, television off, ribbons-“

“ Tied where, exactly?” Viggo looked slightly stunned.

“ Okay, not the ribbons, but a few more things. Chocolates. Wine. Vodka,” Orlando had a far away look in his eyes.

“ Not everyone needs the vodka to have a romantic event, Orli,” sighed Viggo. Dom, however, was thinking hard.

“ That might work,” he said slowly. “ The romantic atmosphere should take some responsibility from what I actually say.” Another glance was taken at the watch. “ But I haven’t got time for that! We’ve got another hobbit scene this afternoon,”

“ We can sort it,” offered Sean. “ Pass me the keys and the vodka, and we’ll be fine,”

Dom looked at him. “ I thought you weren’t going to do the vodka?”

“ Not for the romantic evening, no,” Sean grinned lazily, especially as he was out of walloping range. “ Just us. And besides which, you’re running out of time,”

Dom looked at them warily, but they were the closest thing to adult supervision. He passed over his keys to Viggo.

“ Just be good, okay?” he begged. Viggo glanced towards Sean, who had not entirely managed to control his grin, sighed, and nodded at Dom.

“ It’ll be okay. Trust us,”

And that was how he left it.

***********

The pub was packed again for this time of the night. Drinks were drunk, music blared from the speakers, people chatted and laughed, shouted and joked.

The usual table had been obtained by Orli, mostly due to his popularity with the barmaids, and also the fact he managed to zoom into the pub as soon as he was able. Monks had nothing on Orli for dedication to his duty. The others had joined him in a less speed related fashion, Billy managing to acquire another packet of crisps on the way.

They were approximately half way through the first pint when Dom and Lij turned up. Elijah had had a chuffed expression all day, which had given the ring wraiths a slight inferiority complex. Dom had been .. well, Dom, but was noted in not looking towards either Viggo or Sean for the whole day.

“ Good day, huh?” Lij took a long swig of beer and beamed at them. Billy exchanged glances with Orli. Viggo had on his usual casual expression, and Sean was taking great interest in ripping up one of the paper placemats which had had the misfortune to be placed in front of him.

“ Hey, Elijah, how about a game of pool?” suggested Billy. Lij looked at him as though he were mad.

“ In this crowd?”

“ Come on! There’s only one lot on there and the ale almost finished.”

Lij glanced towards Dom. “ You okay with that?”

“ Sure, have fun!” Dom replied casually, leaning against his chair. “ Beat the bastard for me, huh?”

“ Can do,” grinned Lij. The little team trotted to the other end of the room, all eyes at the table watching them. As soon as they were out of ear-shot, Dom spun round.

” You … *bastards*!” A finger was waggled in Viggo’s general direction. Viggo looked shocked and looked at Sean.

” I think we’re beslanslandered,”

“ I got that impression too,” Sean grinned and leant back against his chair. Dom gave him one of the most filthiest looks known to man or hobbit.

” I can’t believe you two did that!”

” Did what?” Orli was almost bouncing in his eagerness to hear. Dom’s fury took a time out to be replaced briefly by embarrassment.

“ Their … props!”

“ Props?” echoed Orlando. “ What, for setting the scene?”

“ Yeah! Only it wasn’t the scene I was expecting!”

” Really? What was it? The Sahara desert? The Pacific ocean? Lawrence of Arabia?”

“ Try a tart’s bedroom,” growled Dom.

Orli paused. “ How do you know what a tart’s bedroom looks like?” he queried. Dom growled again.

“ It was all nice and romantic,” Dom’s glare had gone back onto Viggo who hadn’t the decency to look ashamed. “ Candles, a meal in the oven, fluffy cushions, scents all over the place. We talked, we .. er.. did other stuff, and suddenly when it got to the bedroom…,”

“ Yes?” Orli was back on the tenterhooks again.

“ There were .. toys everywhere!!” Dom caught the look on Orli’s face. “ And, no, I’m not talking about Care Bears and Scrabble and that sort of thing! There were handcuffs, whips, strange metal hoops I have NO idea where they’re supposed to go – and I don’t want to! There were even mirrors balanced in strategic places so you could see what was happening from the bed!”

Orli grinned at Sean, who was closest. Sean shrugged and took another swig of beer.

“ Never grateful,” Sean remarked.

” Well, Lij seemed happy anyway,” offered Viggo, who seemed equally unabashed.

“ Couldn’t you have even *warned* me?”

“ How? Are we back to the notes in the food again?” Viggo rolled his eyes and leant forward. d yod you or did you not have a good time, Dominic?”

Dom hesitated. “ That’s besides the point!”

“ I don’t think it is. You wanted a good night with some romance. We gave you romance, and we gave you .. extras.” Viggo took a sip from his drink in a carefree manner. “ By the way, Sean wants those handcuffs back when you have a minute.”

Orlando and Dom’s eyes slid to Sean who looked uncomfortable. Dom shook such thoughts from his head.

“ Dom, a good night was had by all. Enjoy it, and stop looking so tense,” Viggo relaxed back in his chair. Dom sulked a bit. Orli looked brightly at them.

“ So, you doing this again?”

” Not until I get my handcuffs back,” Sean had a one track mind tonight, which was slightly worrying considering which subject it seemed to be stuck upon. Dom hesitated.

” Well, actually, there is Lij’s birthday coming up..,”

He tried to ignore the grins that were shared around the table.

“ Ah, Dom,” said Orli, his arm around his shoulders. “ It appears there will be much to discuss!”

All in all, reflected Dom ruefully, Romance had a lot to answer for.

END.