The Beverly Hillbillies Go To Middle Earth

The Beverly Hillbillies go to Middle Earth

Chapter 2 – Cooking With Granny

“Oh golly, Mr. Éomer,” Elly May said. “I sure do appreciate you learnin’ me how to kiss!”

Éomer smiled and continued the lesson, pushing Elly May further into the haystack. He slid his hand down the front of her blouse and cupped her breast. When he regained consciousness, he apologized. She released the grip she had on the front of his shirt and let him drop back onto the haystack.

Rubbing his jaw where she had struck him, he eventually was able to see clearly again.

“I guess that I should not have done that,” he offered.

“No, I should say not!” she replied. “Why, I can’t believe you would take advantage of a helpless female like that!”

“There is nothing helpless about you,” he assured her, trying to sit up. His thoughts were becoming coherent once again, so he tried a different avenue.

“I am sorry if I offended you, Elly, but in Rohan, that is how we tell someone that we like them,” he tried.

She looked at him warily but decided that he could be telling the truth. “You touch their…” she motioned with her hands.

“Yes, if it is a woman,” he said, making this up as he went. “If it is a man, of course, you would touch them down here.” He took her hand and placed it on his leggings, waiting for the punch.

She smiled and nodded. “Well, I like you a lot, Mr. Éomer, so should I touch you there a lot?”

“Uh, yes, that would tell me how much you like me, Elly,” he said, trying to control his breathing.

~~~~~~~~~

Granny walked into the building and looked around.

“It is beautiful, is it not?” Éowyn asked her.

“Kind of reminds me of our house in Beverly Hills,” Granny said. “Without all the newfangled contraptions.”

Granny talked to Éowyn for a while about the home she had left behind to move to Californy and the mansion with the See-ment pond. Éowyn began to realize that the woman was senile and took pity on her.

“I could use some help with the meal,” she told Granny. “Do you know anything about cooking?”

“Do I know anything about cooking?” Granny laughed. “Why, I’m the best durned cook you ever saw! I’ll whomp up a batch of chitlins and hog jowls.”

“Chitlins?” Éowyn asked. “Hog jowls?”

“No, you probably don’t have our kind of food. Got any roadkill?” Granny asked, brightening up.

“Road…kill?” Éowyn asked nervously.

“You know, possum, rabbit, anything that’s been kilt by a ve-hickle on the road.”

“Well, I believe we passed a warg earlier today…” Éowyn began.

“A warg! That’ll do just fine!” Granny assured her. “Let’s go!”

They took Jethro along and found the warg about a mile down the road.

“Put it in the cart,” Granny told Jethro.

“Aw, Granny! It’s twice as big as I am!” he told her.

“I shall help you lift it,” Éowyn told him as she jumped down from the cart.

They managed to get a rope around the carcass and tied it to the back of the horse cart. As they rode along, Éowyn asked Jethro and Granny more about their home. She was stunned to hear how different it was, socially.

“And women can perform the same duties as men in your world?” Éowyn asked, shocked.

“Sure,” Granny replied. “We even got lady doctors!”

Éowyn’s eyes were glowing. “How do we get to where you are from?”

“Well, now, that’s just what we’re trying to figure out,” Granny admitted.

Éowyn touched Jethro’s arm. “Would you take me back with you?”

He pulled away from her touch. “Sorry ma’am but I already got me a girl.”

“Where have I heard this before?” Éowyn asked, frowning. “You have someone where you are from?”

“No it’s that purty elf girl. She’s playing hard-to-get, but I’m a patient man!”

“Elf girl, what elf girl,” Éowyn asked, genuinely confused.

“Miss Legolas,” Jethro said, grinning from ear to ear. “I know she likes me.”

Éowyn’s face registered shock before she burst into laughter. This was too good.

“You know, Jethro,” she told him, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I am sure she is interested, but she likes being chased if you know what I mean. She will not give in easily.” Maybe that would keep Legolas busy so that Éowyn could pursue Aragorn without his bodyguard always present.

~~~~~~~~~

The sound of others entering the barn caused Éomer to leap to his feet, pulling Elly May up with him. They both quickly brushed the hay from their bodies but the other riders of the Rohirrim were not stupid. It was pretty obvious to all what had been going on.

“Well, howdy!” Elly May said, straightening up her clothing. “Mr. Éomer was learnin’ me how to kiss. She turned to him and gave him a big one, right on the lips at the same time that she grabbed his crotch. At least twenty gasps sounded around the barn.

“Um, I was explaining to Elly May how we greet those that we like in our land,” he explained, “you know, that men are grabbed where she just grabbed me and women are grabbed here.” He gave a demonstration.

There was a rush of men to greet Elly May and she was thrilled to have so many new friends.

~~~~~~~~~

“Put it right there, Jethro,” Granny directed him. “Then go scare up some fire wood.”

Jethro dragged the warg into the huge kitchen and left it lying in the middle of the floor. There was a wheel mark running down its length from the horse cart that had killed it and most of the hide had been taken off as they had dragged it back, but besides that and the smell, it didn’t look too bad. He waved some of the flies off of it and left to collect some fire wood.

“Granny, do you think this warg is fresh enough?” Éowyn asked, nervously. “I believe it’s been on the road for a few days.”

“That don’t make no difference,” Granny assured her. “I got my jug of liquor.”

“For cooking?” Éowyn asked.

“I guess you could use it for cooking,” Granny looked at her strangely. “I just use it to kill the taste.”

“Maybe some wine,” Éowyn offered. “We have plenty.”

“Well, then we’ll make Warg au vin,” Granny said smiling. “That’s French, you know.”

“What is ‘French’?” Éowyn asked.

“Never mind,” Granny said, not sure how to explain. “Just get me some wine.” She glanced at the number of flies now circling the warg and she stepped closer to sniff it. “Get lots of wine.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Elly May was riding bareback now around a small arena. “Now that’s just strange that so many of you don’t know how to ride a horse,” she said. “You sure have enough of them here!” She continued to explain how to ride as the Rohirrim watched her bounce and kept asking questions to keep her on the animal longer.

“I’m starting to get a little tired,” she finally admitted.

“Oh, um, can you show us that trot again?” one asked. “I just don’t understand how to do it.”

“Oh, you boys!” she said. “By the time I leave here, I’m gonna’ make sure every one of you knows how to ride!”

There were smiles all around.

~~~~~~~~~

“Howdy, Miss Legolas,” Jethro said, holding out a bouquet of flowers. “I done picked these just fer you!”

Legolas grabbed the flowers from the man’s hand and gritted his teeth while Aragorn patted his friend on the shoulder, trying not to smile.

“Now, you watch it there,” Jethro said, eyes narrowing at Aragorn. “I got my eye on you.”

Aragorn raised an eyebrow and said, “I shall leave you two alone.”

“So Miss Legolas,” Jethro said, “Did I mention that I am an educated man?”

Legolas just glared.

“Yes, ma’am, I am currently attending fifth grade and hope to graduate soon,” Jethro said, proud of himself.

When Legolas didn’t reply, Jethro frowned. “Kinda shy, aren’t you?”

Legolas sighed. “Jethro, obviously there has been some sort of a misunderstanding as to my gender…”

“Gender? What’s that?” Jethro asked.

“My sex…” Legolas explained.

Jethros eyes got big. “Now Miss Legolas, I just barely done met you and you’re already talking about sex. I ain’t that kind of a boy! Let’s just slow it down a bit and get to know each other first. There’s no hurry!”

Jethro turned and walked away, leaving Legolas standing with a handful of flowers and a dumbstruck expression on his face.

~~~~~~~~~

Éomer helped Elly May down off of the horse and showed her to her room.

“Éowyn has left you a gown to change into for dinner,” he pointed at the garment lying on her bed.

“A dress!” Elly May said, looking almost horrified.

“Yes, of course,” Éomer said. “I shall come back for you before dinner…unless you need some help getting dressed.”

“Now, that’s mighty nice of you to offer, Mr. Éomer. I sure could use some help. It took me days to figure out how to use that double-barreled slingshot that Miss Hathaway bought me. This dress looks like it might be just a bit tricky, too.”

Éomer smiled.

~~~~~~~~~

“So, King Théoden,” Miss Hathaway was saying, “you are telling me that this is no movie set. We are really in Middle Earth. I find that hard to believe.”

He shrugged. “I do not know the places you speak of, this Beverly Hills and California. I only know of Middle Earth. ‘Tis some wizardry which has brought you to our land.”

“We must get to Lady Galadriel,” Miss Hathaway announced, trying to remember what she knew from the book. “If Gandalf cannot help us, maybe she can.”

“Beware, she is a great sorceress,” Théoden warned.

“She may be our only hope,” Miss Hathaway said.

~~~~~~~~~

Granny dipped the spoon into the massive kettle and tasted the bubbling concoction.

“Fetch me some more of that wine, Éowyn,” she told the blonde woman. “That warg meat is a bit strong tastin’.”

Éowyn took another sip from the bottle and passed it to Granny who also had a swig before dumping the rest into the kettle.

“How many bottles is that now?” Granny asked.

“Nine,” Éowyn said, counting. “No ten. Nine. How many bottles am I holding?”

“Two,” Granny said, though she wasn’t sure either. “Must be ten, then.”

“Let me taste it,” Éowyn said, staggering towards the kettle. She lifted the spoon to her mouth. “That is not bad.”

“Then I think we are ready for dinner. Sound the bell!” Granny said.

~~~~~~~~~

Éomer watched Elly May undress. “You’re sure you ain’t lookin’? she asked him.

“Oh, I am sure,” he said, breathing hard.

“All right, I’m ready for that dress, I suppose,” she told him. He brought the gown over and helped slip it over her head running his hands over her body as he pulled the material down. The next thing he knew, he was face down on the stone floor while Elly sat on him, twisting his leg up painfully.

“Now, Mr. Éomer, I can see that we need to have a talk!” she told him, pulling harder on the leg. “I may not be no schooled city girl, but I think you’re doing a bit more than helping me put my dress on!”

“Owwww!” Éomer said, unable to get free from the hold she had him in. “Yes, I am sorry! I shall stop if you want, just let me go!”

Elly released her grip on him and he rolled himself over, still beneath her. “Elly, I knew you liked the kissing so I thought you might want to learn more. I can teach you much.”

“Well, I don’t know. My paw always said I should wait ‘til I married a fella before doing the things you want to do with me,” she informed him.

“Yes, but you are in Rohan now and we do things differently,” he lied smoothly. “It is normal for a man and woman to…try each other out before they decide if they want to get married.”

“Oh,” she said, nodding her head. “I see. Well, I reckon that makes sense.”

“So, shall we try each other out a little?” he asked hopefully.

“I suppose that it would be the proper thing to do, since we’re in Rohan,” she agreed.

Éomer tentatively let his hands move up her body and for the first time she didn’t whomp him for his efforts. He breathed a sigh of relief and pulled her down to him for a kiss, while he let his hands wander. Soon she was breathing as hard as he was and it didn’t take long for both of them to shed their clothing and move to the bed. Éomer parted Elly’s legs and went to position himself above her but she stopped him.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

Frustrated beyond belief, he told her, “We’re trying each other out, remember? To see if we want to wed.” He begged her with his mind. Please, please, please.

She surprised him by saying, “Yes, but this isn’t how you do it! I’ve had enough critters to know this isn’t how it works! Guess I’ll have to learn you this part.” She rolled onto her knees and explained to him what he was supposed to do. She guessed he was a quick learner because it wasn’t long before he had mounted her, just like she’d seen the cows do back home.

“That’s right, Mr. Éomer. I knew you could do it!” she said as he slammed his body against hers.

~~~~~~~~~

A scream sounded and Jed and Jethro both looked up at once. “That sounded like Elly May!” Jed said, concerned. “We’d better go find her.”

They ran into the kitchen only to have Granny yell to them, “Go fetch Elly May! It’s time for supper!”

The place was big and had many rooms but they eventually found Elly May’s. Jed knocked on the door.

“Elly May? You all right in there?” he asked, wondering if he could break down the heavy door if he had to.

“Uh, yes, Paw…” muffled noises from inside the room. “I’m just getting ready for dinner. I’ll be down soon.”

Satisfied, he and Jethro returned to the kitchen and were sent into the dining hall.

“Can I sit by you, Miss Legolas?” Jethro asked.

“Must you?” Legolas asked.

Jethro just sat down, grinning goofily at Legolas the whole time. “By thunder, you sure look purty tonight!”

Éomer and Elly May came down shortly and sat together. Éomer grinned broadly as they entered the room, exchanging hand slaps with a couple of the Rohirrim. He introduced Elly May to his uncle, the king. Elly May smiled and started to reach for Théoden but Éomer quickly interceded and grabbed her hand.

“Just bow,” he said. “The…other greeting is just for members of the Rohirrim.”

“Oh,” she nodded and bowed to the king. “This sure is a nice place you got here! And everybody’s been so helpful! You wouldn’t believe all the things that Mr. Éomer has been teaching me!”

Théoden glanced at Éomer, eyebrows raised. Éomer quickly changed the subject.

“Yes, we have been working with the horses mostly…” he began.

“I’ve been giving his men riding lessons,” she explained.

“You’ve been giving the Rohirrim riding lessons?” Éowyn asked, incredulous.

“Yes, well, uh…” Éomer started. “This is excellent food, Éowyn. Did you cook it?”

“I helped,” she said, trying to focus on him as she spoke. “Do you really like it?”

“Oh, yes,” he assured her, as did most of his men that were also seated at the table and wanted the subject changed. They wanted the riding lessons to continue.

By the time the meal was over, everybody was drunk. Miss Hathaway was doing a striptease on the table in front of Théoden who was watching with a horrified expression on his face. He didn’t want to watch any more, but he couldn’t quite make himself look away either.

Granny was passed out in the corner with her jug of liquor, which she certainly didn’t need, and Jed was sleeping on the floor near the fire. Elly May and Éomer had returned to her room for some more learnin’ while Éowyn did her best to try to seduce Aragorn who was doing his best to stay awake.

Jethro was still talking to Legolas, who was having trouble getting out of his chair.

“Let me help you, Miss Legolas,” Jethro said, standing.

“I need to go to my room,” Legolas said, trying to maintain his balance.

Jethro’s face lit up. “You just tell me where!”

Legolas barely got the directions out of his mouth before he passed out. Grabbing the elf, Jethro took off at a run. He found the room and closed and locked the door behind them.

“Whoo-eee,” the man said, laying the unconscious elf on the bed. “You sure are purty when you’re asleep, too!” He patted Legolas’ cheek. “Wake up, Miss Legolas. At least give me one kiss.”

No reaction. Jethro sighed and thought for a minute then he thought some more. Thinking took a lot of work under normal circumstances but now it was even more difficult. After about ten minutes, the thought finally completed the circuits in his brain after skipping around a bit. He could kiss Miss Legolas and she would never even know it. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants and leaned over, giving her a big kiss right on the mouth.

Satisfied, he went to leave but decided that Miss Legolas didn’t look too comfortable with her clothes on. He’d undress her for bed. He took off the tunic and noticed that she seemed pretty flat chested for a girl. Well, maybe he was just used to Elly May. He went to undo the leggings and noticed something strange. He reached his hand down and felt. Legolas moaned in his sleep. Frowning, Jethro untied the elf’s laces and looked inside the leggings. His scream shattered the night and could be heard throughout most of Rohan.

~~tbc~~