Random Conversations [COMPLETE]

A/N: This is what happens when a would-be fanfic author goes slightly mental while trying to work on a challenge from a friend. Special thanks goes to Shana as this never would have come about had it not been for a late-night, sleep-deprived IM chat. Feedback appreciated.

The Disclaimer: None of the LotR characters belong to me. They belong to The Professor. Shana and Valkyrie belong to themselves. ALSO, any references made to other works of fan fiction are NOT meant to be malicious. I only make references to these stories and do not mention titles or specific authors that I do not know. These are simply stories that stick out in my mind and any references are made in all good fun and humor.

The Cast (this chapter): Glorfindel, Erestor, Elledan, Elrohir, Legolas, Haldir, Faramir, Aragorn, Eomer, Galadriel, Celeborn, Rumil, Orophin, Rainien, Shana, Valkyrie

Let the insanity continue…

Valkyrie: Male pregnancy? Hmm..well..alright. Faramir, you’re going to have to stop that for just a moment. As much as I’m enjoying it, I can’t think straight.

Faramir: *sighs and removes his hand from inside her blouse*

Valkyrie: Where to begin? Well…since there is an obvious lack of female characters in Tolkien’s world, some fanfic authors have solved the “Where do babies come from” question with male pregnancy.

Aragorn: But how is it possible?

Valkyrie: Technically, it’s not. But, where we come from, none of this is possible either, so who’s to say that male pregnancy isn’t possible as well? It’s all in the imagination, I guess.

Eomer: But how do they get the child out?

Shana, Rainien and Valkyrie: YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!

Valkyrie: It usually depends upon the author.

Faramir: This is just too good to pass up. Just who, in these stories, has been subjected to this male pregnancy you speak of?

Valkyrie: Legolas seems to be the favorite in that one.

Legolas: WHAT?!

Haldir: *doubles over laughing*

Rainien: I wouldn’t laugh if I were you, Haldir. There’s currently a highly-followed story, still not finished, in which you and Thranduil are Legolas’ parents. And it wasn’t Thranduil who gave birth!

Haldir: WHAT?! I did NOT give birth to that pansy!

Legolas: Arro-

Rainien: *covering Legolas’ mouth with her hand* Shana? Do we have to go through this again?

Shana: *smacking Haldir on the back of the head* Play nice. An author can do whatever he or she wishes with their storynd tnd that’s all it is. A STORY!

Haldir: *mumbles about crazed authors*

Shana: I heard that!

Haldir: Not you, my Ariel, never you.

Shana: *trying not to blush* Keep it up and I just might sing for you later.

Haldir: Oh, I’ll keep it up all right. *grinning*

Valkyrie: Anywaaay…Legolas, by far, seems to be the favorite of the mpreg stories. But Haldir has been pregnant a few times.

Haldir: *mumbles*

Legolas: *snickers*

Valkyrie: And Erestor. *a crash is heard from the library*

Rainien: Erestor? Are you hurt?

Erestor: *poking his head out of the library doors again* Only my dignity. *retreats back into the library*

Valkyrie: And Glorfindel.

Glorfindel: WHAT?! But I…

Elledan: …killed a Balrog…

Elrohir: …and returned from the Halls of Mandos.

Rainien: We know this, Glorfindel. But remember, it’s all in good fun. And Valkyrie? Don’t forget Faramir in that list.

Faramir: *gasps*

Rainien: Just once, though, Faramir. Just once.

Faramir: I can’t believe I’m asking this, but…just who did this to me?

Rainien: Do you mean the author or the..umm…other father?

Faramir: The *gulps* other father.

Rainien: Frodo.

Faramir: FRODO! *faints as Aragorn and Eomer double over in laughter*

Valkyrie: Rainien!! Why did you tell him? Look at the poor dear. You know he’s one of my favorites. I left him out of that list for just this reason. *gently strokes Faramir’s face* Faramir, love, it’s going to be all right. Wake up now, please?

Rainien: *sees Faramir waking* I’m sorry Faramir. I’ll change the subject. Where’s your brother, by the way?

Faramir: Apology accepted. Boromir? *pauses* He’s at the Falls of Rauros looking for his sword. Father was most displeased when he found out Boromir had lost it after Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli sent him over the Falls.

Rainien: *giggles*

Faramir: I must say that it is quite strange to have father upset with someone other than me.

Valkyrie: I know, dear. Rainien? Weren’t you supposed to be working on something else? A challenge, perhaps?

Rainien: *cringing* Well, you see, I was working on it. You saw what I’d written. Then I got stuck after that and Shana and I were chatting one night and she called Arwen Arwench and the thought crossed my mind that perhaps Arwen might have something to say about that and then I thought that other characters might have things to say about a whole LOT of other things and one thing led to another and all these voices started buzzing round in my head and it led to this current insanity that Shana calls depravity and if I can ever get through this then I’ll be able to write that. Make sense?

Shana: May we have a beta rewrite that please?

Rainien: Insanity doesn’t require a beta.

Shana: What’s the pairing you’re working on?

Rainien: Faramir and Eomer.

Shana: *cringes* I had to ask.

Valkyrie: *giggles as Eomer and Faramir look at each other, shocked*

Galadriel: *approaching from another garden* Rumil, please watch where you are going. I doubt Elrond would appreciate you stumbling over his rose bushes.

Rumil: Yes, my Lady, but it would be much easier if I d wad walk facing forward.

Orophin: *nods in agreement*

Galadriel: If you can walk forward AND keep those lights held at the proper height, then be my guest.

Glorfindel: Hello my Lady! So nice to see you. *pauses* If I may, what are Rumil and Orophin doing with those lights? *looks confused at the two brothers who appear to be walking backward holding sets of small lights*

Galadriel: That wonderful man – I’ve forgotten his name, but he looks like a Halfling – came up with this idea. If you look closely, they make my eyes twinkle. I like it very much.

Haldir: *straightens out his leg as his brothers walk by and watches as they both go down in a tangle of Christmas lights*

Galadriel: Honestly, Haldir. How am I supposed to be radiant if my eyes don’t twinkle? Would you two get up?? Celeborn? Help them please?

Celeborn: Oh, sure, NOW you need my help. Now that the One Ring is destroyed and Nenya has lost all its power, NOW you need my help. I see how this goes.

Galadriel: I didn’t see you complaining when I used my mirror to help you win the Lorien Lotto!

Celeborn: Why would I complain? I used the winnings to pay for your ship from the Grey Havens! When do you set sail, by the way?

Elledan: Valar help us.

Elrohir: They’re fighting again.

Legolas: *whispering* You’d fight, too, if you’d been married for more than 3000 years.

Galadriel: I heard that!

Elledan, Elrohir and Legolas: Sorry, my Lady. *clinging to Rainien in hopes that she’ll protect them*

Rainien: *laughing* Don’t look at me for protection. It’s not my fault if you’ve walked Arda for all these years and not learned to think before you speak.

Galadriel: Thank you, Rainien.

Rainien: *smiling* You’re welcome. I always did like a strong female character.

Galadriel: *sitting gracefully on an empty bench* Aragorn, where is my granddaughter?

Aragorn: Umm…err…I saw her earlier. She ran that way *pointing* crying.

Galadriel: Why would she be crying?

Aragorn: I’m not really sure. She said something about Glorfindel calling her Arwench.

Glorfindel: *pointing at Shana* She started it!

Shana: Got a problem with that, Tinker Bell?

Galadriel: *fidgeting* Umm…no. Aragorn? Why didn’t you go to your WIFE and comfort her?

Aragorn: I was – ahem - *looks at Valkyrie* - otherwise occupied?

TBC