Back Away From that Bon-Bon (2/2)

Title: Back Away From that Bon-Bon (2/2) A/L but Elrond trying!
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@earthlink.net
Pairing: mainly A/L but horny old Elrond is desperately trying for some action. The twins are acting randy. Arwen is acting... oh you’ll see.
Rating: R
Type: FPS farce
Summary: In celebration of Mismatch of the Age finally lurching out of Rivendell Elrond throws a banquet. Aragorn and Legolas announce their engagement. Arwen, well...just be prepared to RUN and hide!
Disclaimer: Pure fiction and complete character trouncing of everyone. No one is spared, especially here (err, I think Thranduil escapes insult).
A/N: World premier!!! Huzzah! Thanks to my cluster of fellow lunatics for reading this one. Too bad, the canon-bound dullards are just missing out on the fun. To quote Legolas, "Pfftt." And a big wet raspberry from the Chef. FB is always appreciated!!!

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As he paced across the grand balcony Elrond tried not to laugh. Oh not again. Over at the buffet table hysterical Erestor pitched a hilarious Galadriel-worthy fit at poor Chef Mrantik. Elrond monitored the complaints. The heaps of smoked salmon artfully arranged on the buffet table had, in crazy Erestor’s nit-picky opinion, a pinch too much dill on them. Plus Erestor didn’t like how the breaded deep-fried lark’s tongues in aspic were arranged. The artichoke and sharp goat cheese pate appeared to be a little too creamy. The toothpicks in the marinated burdock root, red beet and shrimp hors d’oeuvres were a hair off center.

In retaliation Chef Mrantik stomped his narrow feet and pointed his long finger in Erestor’s enraged face while hissing out doubt about Erestor’s heritage. Snarling furiously Erestor almost lunged forward and clamped his sharp white teeth on the offending digit.

All right, time to stop them before they started swinging. Why did this wild valley produce such insane dramatists? Elrond must have the water tested; his Elves were either stoic lumps or raving divas. He just didn’t understand the dynamics. Couldn’t anyone be, well, just normal like their Lord? Oh who was Elrond kidding; he knew he fell in with the divas.

Trying to capture their attention Elrond clapped his powerful hands together and offered a soothing smile. "My dear friends, cease this useless squabbling. Erestor, I am sure the salmon tastes fine. The tongues look lovely the the pate tastes superb; I already savored a nibble. Plus it’s safe to say you’re the only one who would calculate the space distance from the toothpick to the burdock’s outer edge. Now please let Chef finish stocking the buffet table. It’s almost time for dinner."

Smirking in triumph Chef Mrantik blew a rude raspberry at Erestor’s slender bright red face and returned to directing his staff. A distraught Erestor hissed and yanked out a hunk of thick black hair from his own scalp. "My Lord, you act too soft with the help! After all this dutiful planning I refuse to go forth with a flawed presentation! I’ve planned this banquet for weeks and endured all the calculations and trauma and now you..."

Oh enough. Elrond arched one thin vicious brow. "Tell me, my dear Erestor, aren’t you also the help?"

Blinking in dismay Erestor muttered something insulting under his breath and hobbled away to harass the Elfling adjusting vases festooned with deep red roses. Ha, Erestor never had figured out a new walk to disguise his many nights of being pinned by Glorfindel’s tremendous club. Poor sap. Aside from being insane Erestor was also incredibly astute so why wouldn’t he think of such a thing? It astonished Elrond. Then again everyone knew that high-strung Erestor was Glorfindel’s devoted bottom so what did it matter?

Unfortunately this farewell banquet’s constant postponements almost drove Erestor into a schizophrenic schism. As he watched Erestor strangling the rose-arranger Elrond decided he must increase his advisor’s dosage of mandrake-St. Johns Wort and valerian tonic although given his current dosage Erestor should be happily drooling in a corner while twiddling his thumbs. That old Elf was an odd one. Good, he stopped strangling the poorth. th. One less problem for Elrond to solve.

Yes, this celebration banquet honored the hilarious Fellowship for finally getting its lame act together. Hurrah, the Mismatch of the Age limped out in two days. They were supposed to leave three weeks ago but obnoxious Boromir decided to train the Hobbits in basic survival skills. Actually his concept made sense; those little dolts didn’t possess the survival sense of a shelled walnut.

Of course if an event concerned warfare brawny bloodthirsty Glorfindel instantly involved himself. After he almost carved poor Pippin like a tender roast pork the big old drill sergeant hysterically screamed at the quivering flesh lumps and devised an exercise regime involving countless laps around the valley plus sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups and every other up exercise ever created. This torment had infected the past three weeks. On the positive side the intensive training had transformed chubby Sam into a buff hottie. Merry and Pippin strutted around flexing their new muscles. Sadly although now cut and firm Frodo still looked like a scared wet kitten. Not even forceful Glorfindel could banish that pathetic expression from those big watery blue eyes.

But at least during these past three weeks Glorfindel felt confident and horny. Elrond’s aching backside supported that theory. If warrior Glorfindel didn’t have a vital purpose in life sometimes he moped around in drunken self-pity. Not a pretty sight.

Rousing himself from his thoughts Elrond glanced up from tasting a jellied fiddlehead fern mold. Disgusting. Ahh, his fellow Elves arrived on the grand balcony right at the stroke of 6:00. Look at them: so serene, so lovely, so cultured and so tediously dull. A new war would do them all good. A swift kick in the buttocks would do them even better. A hard yank on their... placing that thought in a deep pit Elrond blinked and graciously smiled at his brethren in polite greeting.

Actually tonight’s main event could prove fun. For some insane reason Aragorn and Legolas decided to announce their engagement tonight. Elrond thought that stunt even more dangerous than accompanying the faulty Fellowship. Please, Elrond couldn’t wait for the shocked look on dumb as a stump Arwen’s big-featured face!

Speaking of his horsy daughter Arwen galloped up the stone stairs and launched herself at Elrond in her annoyingly clingy manner. Her thick moist lips smeared across Elrond’s recoiling cheek. "Daddy! My, you look quite handsome tonight but then again you always do. Don’t I look pretty? Like my new gown? I had it made special for tonight. Is dear Aragorn here yet? I swear he’s been avoiding me!"

After untangling himself from Arwen’s gardenia-scented death grip Elrond pursed his stern lips. All right, calling her as dumb as a stump insulted the stump. "Yes, daughter, you look splendid but nay, I have not seen Aragorn today." Well, he only told one lie.

"Oh well, I’m sure he’ll be here soon then we can talk. We really need to talk!" Arwen frowned a lit yes yes, they needed to talk about why manly Aragorn seemed to prefer Legolas to her but that couldn’t be possible. Adjusting her plunging black lace coated neckline to display more deep cleavage Arwen shrugged her broad shoulders. Please, how could Aragorn pass up these prime twin towers of hot silken love for a fat blond himbo? Noooo. This hot red and black gown made her look like a Queen. And that was the point!

Ha, not to worry. Everything would all work out because w it it just would. Focusing beyond Elrond’s cringing shoulder Arwen squealed in joy. "Ooo, look, artichoke and cheese pate! It looks so pale, smooth and creamy! I love smooth, creamy things!" Grabbing a long, hard breadstick Arwen smeared the slick white pate on it and slowly begackincking the creamy froth off with her big red lips. She moaned in happy appreciation.

Elrond’s toes curled inside his soft leather boots. Aii. Urgh. Turning away from the disturbing sight he encountered an even more disturbing sight: his wanton sons had just staggered onto the balcony. Ha, no surprise there; it looked like they had started the party early, like early last week. After almost knocking down three stoic old Elves they finally pulled their groping hands out of each other’s half-unlaced leggings and swayed before Elrond.

Releasing a raucous burp Elrohir elbowed his brother in the arm. Elladan almost fell on his ass. "Elladan, look, Daddy’s wearing purple velvet. Isn’t that a surprise? When’s the last time you saw Daddy in purple velvet?"

Elladan smirked and scratched his tangled black hair. Hold on, was that a mead cork hiding in there? "Err, yesterday?"

"Precisely!" Elrohir clapped his hands in delight.

Elrond shot simmering death glare number three at them. At times like these he swore that stupid Celebrian had cheated on him with a crusty old Dwarf infected with hoof and mouth disease. "Very funny, you two. Now how about you go sit in the corner and shut up."

Shivering in mock fear Elladan rolled his bloodshot eyes. "Oh watch out... now Daddy’s acting cranky."

Elrohir thoughtfully picked his nose and flicked his slimy treasure to the stone. "Elladan, when’s the last time you saw Daddy act cranky?"

"Err, yesterday?" The twins fell against each other and laughed hysterically.

Elrond glared at them again and shook his head. Only Glorfindel’s noisy arrival saved hiom som smacking his silly sons senseless. While he jogged in place his big golden warrior briskly saluted Elrond. "Attention, Elrond! I ran a quick lap around the entire compound and all is well. Nothing to report. Sorry I didn’t arrive exactly on time. I took a minute longer than usual to perform my 2000 pre-dinner sit ups." Halting his jogging Glorfindel ran his fingers over his rock hard abs.

Elrond cocked one thin brow and smirked. "You must be getting old."

Glorfindel grinned, snatched Elrond up and began using him as a dumbbell. Balancing Elrond on the palm of his one huge hand Glorfindel effortlessly performed arm presses for the admiring females. "Perhaps my hearing is going but did you just call me old?"

Elrond squawked in alarm. "You big idiot put me down NOW!!!"

Laughing merrily Glorfindel tossed Elrond into the air then he caught the furious Elf lord in his strong arms. After kissing Elrond with full strength tongue Glorfindel gently set him on his feet and pulled his twisted robe down over his long shapely legs.

The big warrior suddenly glared at the semi-witless twins. "You two are a drunken disgrace! Straighten up that posture! Get your finger out of that nose! Now get away from me before I wipe the balcony with your lazy buns. Shoo!"

The twins stuck their tongues out but staggered away before Glorfindel made good on his threat. They didn’t like buffing cold hard things with their slender asses. They had done it before.

While violently flexing his massive pecs Glorfindel directed his wide blue glare around the balcony. His huge hands curled into dangerous fists. "All right, where are those mangy little Hobbits? If I catch them eating too much tonight I’ll make them drop and give me 100."

As he desperately smoothed his long robe back into place Elrond turned and stalked toward a nice tall glass of the strongest mead he could find.

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Aragorn wrung his big hands. "Legolas, my beloved, we need to attend the banquet! We’re already an hour late! You know how Poppa Elrond stresses promptness!" And you know how the bossy old Elf likes to scold. And glare. And shame. And embarrass. And spank your tight pale ass until... oh wait, Poppa Elrond hadn’t done that in at least five years.

Ignoring the fretting Aragorn Legolas held out his pale smooth right hand. "Aragorn, be a dear and hand me that lip gloss? No, that one. No, darling, now look where I am pointing. Concentrate... over to the left...see the little crystal vial...there you go. Well done. Thank you, my love." Admiring himself in the mirror Legolas smoothed on his strawberry with mica sparkles lip-gloss. He must thank dear old Celeborn for turning him onto this marvelous lip enhancer. There. Now he was ready. Since Legolas looked beyond dazzling he blew a tender kiss at himself.

As he waited manly Aragorn paced around behind his primping lover and tried sneaking looks in the mirror. Was this how life with Legolas was going to be? Endless waiting while Legolas made love to himself in the mirror? Aragorn pouted in annoyance; they really did need two full-length mirrors. Legolas was a bigger mirror hog than Aragorn and that feat took some doing. How could Aragorn monitor his manly beauty if sweet Legolas always stood in the way?

And speaking of hogs would he ever walk away from a meal feeling satisfied and full? Lately since his dear Legolas had turned into an eating machine Aragorn almost begged for table scraps. He wasn’t sure what this new eating binge meant but he only knew Legolas looked, well, to be honest, like a plump butterball. But Aragorn wasn’t saying a word, oh nooooo way. He didn’t want Legolas closing his hot tunnel of love to Aragorn. If that happened Aragorn might go insane or get carpal tunnel in his wrists from solving his constant boners.

But ahh, it didn’t matter since the glorious perfect Elf still remained a vision of golden loveliness. Yes, Aragorn was always a beat away from ripping off the clothing off Legolas’ pale ripe body, throwing him into their bed and humping him like a mighty buck atop a pretty doe in heat. No matter what he looked like the blonde bombshell always smelled divine. Legolas’ moonlight and mossy deep woods scent gave Aragorn an instant woody. And tonight his Elf looked just as pretty as a... er... picture. Aragorn grinned and nodded. He liked that phrase.

Finally! Primping his reddish beard in an open square of mirror Aragorn wondered how he was g tog to survive this stupid Fellowship. Could maintaining a woody 24 hours a day become damaging to one’s health? It certainly did no favors to his mental health. Well, at least at night while the others snored, drooled, muttered and played with themselves Aragorn could sheath his manly sword in Legolas’ tight dark glory hole. That notion was a relief.

After flicking on a third coat ofcaracara Legolas smoothed a tiny crease in his golden see-through silk robe and smiled at his reflection again. Oh my, was there a more dazzling creature in all of Middle Earth? Not likely. Reluctantly turning from his sparkling reflection Legolas gracefully held his long white fingers out to Aragorn. "I am ready, my dear."

As he held Legolas’ soft fingers Aragorn batted his wide green eyes in raw lust. "I’ll say. You look ready for me to throw you..."

Legolas instantly narrowed his shimmering eyes and clenched his left fist. "If you touch me and mess up my outfit I’ll break your arm." Whoops, now that sounded harsh. Instantly switching gears he offered Aragorn a delicious, wetter than sex smile. "Hee hee, just kidding, my dear. A little attack of the nerves." Cooing sweetly Legolas ran one sharp fingernail across Aragorn’s lower lip.

Aragorn smiled back and tried not to come in his black velvet dress leggings.

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As he sipped from his 14th mead-filled goblet a pleasantly fuzzy Elrond hiccuped and wondered when the two sex maniacs would arrive. The departure banquet was in swi swing which meant, except for a few pockets of bizarre behavior, that it was crashingly dull.

Elrond swept his bleary eyes over the interesting little scenarios. Just beyond the buffet table Boromir and Glorfindel were busy arm wrestling. Thick-witted Boromir just couldn’t accept powerful Glorfindel’s constant triumphs. Since Glorfindel wasn’t closely monitoring the starving Hobbits they stuffed their faces with everything in sight. Elrond caught Sam shoving vast hand of of mashed candied yams into his mouth. One number two icy glare halted that unsanitary display. Gandalf and a majority of the Elven bores droned on about the good old days. What good old days? Fighting Sauron all the time? Ack. Old loonies.

Standing with his ax clutched in one grizzlaw aaw and a tankard in the other Gimli pressed his back to the wall. His beady eyes suspiciously watched the Elves for any sneaky moves.

Elrond rolled his eyes and sucked in more mead. What a freak.

His lecherous sons necked in the far left corner; Elladan’s deep lascivious yelp told Elrond that quick-fingered Elrohir must have squeezed something vital. The lad did take after his Father. Arwen’s loud braying laughter echoed over the balcony and scared two hawks flying by.

Numbly staring into his mead Elrond let himself drift. Yes, sometimes Elrond wanted to pack up and run away. He’d travel somewhere warm and sunny where he could lounge naked on the beach and have cute young male Elves bring him iced mead. Then those cute young male Elves, who all looked like Legolas, would perform wicked and illegal acts on his regal body. Mmmm. Unfortunately the best beaches in Middle Earth were south of Gondor. Bother. Numenore had possessed lovely beaches which now were completely covered by water. Stupid old Tar-Carlion! How could such a dunce be descended from Elrond’s twin brother? Well, then again how could stupid Isildur, upon whom Elrond nightly wished nasty little afterlife torments on, and dense Aragorn have descended from his beautiful, smart, sexy twin brother? Gag. And then there was moronic Steward Beren who, aftgnorgnoring Elrond’s stern scoldings, gave slimy Saruman the keys to Orthanc. Now for the eternal record Elrond had complained but did anyone lis...

Elrond’s rambling train of thought abruptly derailed into a messy sexual pile-up. His mouth dropped open. Just before a thin line of drool left his slack lips he recovered and closed his gaping mouth. Glancing down Elrond quickly adjusted his velvet robe. Good, no one saw his massive erection. Being this drunk completely compromised his ancient will power. Bother.
shimshimmering Legolas carefully posed at the top of the balcony stairs so everyone could admire his sublime magnificence. He had positioned himself so the setting sun caught his flowioldeoldene ane and made him sparkle like a brilliant Simaril. Mmm, look at them all staring in worshipful awe. How wise of them. Lightly running his pink tongue over his sparkling lower lip Legolas cast his extra-high wattage smile across the watching assembly. He heard a goblet hit the stone. Perfect. To create the proper effect Legoalwaalways liked to focus on one face in an audience and this time he victimized Boromir.

Pausing in his battle Boromir flushed down to his short and curlies and looked around for help. He hoped that he wasn’t going to be blamed for knocking Legolas up! He had never touched the Elf, although he had tried. Judging from the Elf’s burgeoning belly someone had done the deed!

Yes, as vain Legolas continued basking in everyone’s stunned gaze he didn’t realize they were all, except for three, thinking the exact same thing: is that fat Elf pregnant? Since Legolas hadn’t left Aragorn’s room for the past three weeks, being too occupied with eating and sex, not everyone had seen how round he had grown.

A happy Aragorn hovered at Legolas’ shoulder grinning like a witless moron. Yes, everyone, this sweet hot babe was allll mine. You could gaze in adoration but you couldn’t touch his glorious flesh. Nayahhhh-nayh! Noticing where Legolas’ simmering gaze was directed Aragorn’s grin abruptly turned into a menacing frown. Grr, if he caught Boromir anywhere near his Legolas he’d fill him with arrows. That big Gondorian blowhard better watch his step. Aragorn needed just one tiny excuse to kill him.

All right, enough posing; time to eat. Being so utterly perfect consumed plenty of energy! Legolas gracefully sashaacroacross the balcony toward the yummy-looking buffet. The Prince’s mouth watered in anticipation. Gods, look at all that food!

Aragorn trotted behind his glorious beauty, his woody pointing directly at his favorite round target. Maybe they could duck into the council hall and enjoy a quickie.

Pausing before digging in Legolas batted his artfully darkened lashes at the gasping Elrond. Legolas smiled and went into tease mode. "Dear, kind Elrond, what a lovely presentation. This is too sweet of you." Knowing that Elrond wouldn’t dare grope him in public Legolas leaned up and lightly brd hid his lips against Elrond’s while firmly pressing his waoft oft belly into his arm.

A stunned Elrond numbly nodded, fumbled for the table then he set his mead down. "Err, yes ahhh thank you and... please excuse me."

Smiling in triumph Legolas watched old Elrond almost run into the grand hall. Ha, it looked like someone waing ing to enjoy a five fingered date with Little Elrond. How cute.

As he watched Elrond enter the council hall Aragorn whispered in Legolas’ perfect ear. "Hey, why did Poppa Elrond run off?"

Legolas smiled at his lover. "Mmm, I imagine something pressing came up that he needed to get an immediate grip on."

"Oh, all right." Aragorn nodded, shrugged and quickly piled the salmon on a metal plate. Only Poppa Elrond would attend to business during a celebration banquet. What an old bore. But loo all all this food! Aragorn’s knees weakened; finally he could enjoy a real meal!

After staring at Aragorn’s ear and wondering if he could see through to the other side Legolas rolled his eyes. Cute, dumb and full of cum. Well, that’s the way he liked his men so Legolas could tolerate Aragorn’s denseness. Mmm, this artichoke and cheese pate looked marvelously creamy. Where were the breadsticks? Legolas scooped up a helping and expertly popped the entire long hard breadstick into his mouth.

As his fingers grabbed another breick ick the choking scent of gardenia filled the air. Legolas almost puked.

Arwen ran her jealous eyes over her competition and sneered in disgust. My, my, someone was packing on the pounds. When you competed for such a lovely man such blatant self-indulgence was stupid. Adjusting her décolletage even lower Arwen leaned close and hissed in Legolas’ delicately pointed ear. "I’d put down that breadstick if I were you, fatty."LegoLegolas almost shoved the breadstick right up Arwen’s left nostril. "Shut up, horse face."

Arwen looked completely stunned. Oh, so suddenly Legolas was going to act openly hostile, eh? That was a switch from his usual saccharine sweetness and light facade. Fine. "You have some nerve calling me names, you tubby bowl of lard."

Smiling tightly Legolas cattily responded with a soft whinny.

Sensing danger Aragorn looked up from wolfing down his salmon. His eyes narrowed. Oh shit. Oh no. He’d managed to avoid Arwen for the past weeks and that was no small feat considering how she stalked him. Now his nervous eyes darted around the balcony. Aii, Poppa Elrond wasn’t here to protect him! But look, there sat Glorfindel. Yes, he could hide behind Glorfindel. Scuttling like a frightened crab running from a pot of boiling water spice with Old Bay Aragorn edged around the long table and over to where Boromir and Glorfindel still arm wrestled.

Boromir’s stocky body was drenched in sweat and his right hand looked like a pound of raw ground beef yet he refused to give in. A Gondorian Steward never gave in. Never, never, never. Daddy had drilled that into his skull. It didn’t matter if you were filled with arrows and about to be vivisected by an Orc; you never gave in. If all your limbs were hacked off you never gave in. If both your eyeballs were plucked out and your genitals butchered and fed to wild dogs you never gave in. If... (you get the picture).

Yawning in amusement Glorfindel drank from his huge tankard and placed his elbow on the table again. He grinned up at Aragorn. "Aragorn, that was a yellow chicken move. Ha, some brave king you’ll make."

"Oh shut up. You don’t have Arwen chasing you. She’s as scary as Sauron." Aragorn glanced down at Boromir and winced at his mangled hand. "Erm, Boromir, your hand won’t prove effective at holding a sword on the Fellowship. don’don’t you give this stupidity a rest?"

Grunting with pained effort Boromir grasped Glorfindel’s huge hand again. "A Gondorian steward never gives up! No one beats me at arm wrestling!"

Glorfindel snorted and slammed Boromir’s strong arm to the table for the 57th time. "Really? Gee, Borey, you could have fooled me. But for once Aragorn is right. Your sword hand is going to be useless so let’s give this fun a rest." As Legolas angrily flounced to the table Glorfindel glanced up and grinned. "Legolas! When’s the baby due?"

Aragorn almost screamed. Pregnant? Could that happen? Legolas was a male!

Legolas squeaked in complete insult and held his bulging belly. "I am not pregnant!"

Rolling his eyes Glorfindel poked Legolas’ pale curve pushing against the thin see-through silk. "Then what’s this big flabby gut I see? Gods, you young pig, I should have had you out there with the mighty midgets. You’re a disgrace to the memory of all mighty Elven warriors. I should make you drop and give me 200."

"Oh get off it, Glorfindel. Go pick on someone your own age." Not caring that he sounded less than his usual pristine self Legolas angrily flicked his long fingers at the menacing golden. Bi. Big flabby gutw daw dare he! Legolas leaned into Aragorn and whispered. "I came over to get away from Arwen. She’s in a foul mood. She’s aching for a fight."

After recovering from sick visions of diapers, squalling brats and a hugely pregnant Legolas Aragorn looked even more alarmed. His hands instinctively hovered before his precious manly pole. Shit. Did that she-devil have her sword with her? Gulp. "Really? Err, Legolas, are we still going to..."

Displaying an arrogant pout worthy of Haldir Legolas nodded. "Of course we are! The second Elrond returns let’s do it!"

Aragorn wondered if running and hiding in his room would look unmanly. Yes, that sounded a touch on the sissy side. Could he please just go fight 100 bloodthirsty Orcs? Plueeeze? That would be sooo much safer. He understood that battle. This dangerous romantic stuff just made him want to cry and hide.

Smiling contentedly Elrond stepped back on the balcony. Ahh, he felt less compromised. Fussing with his robe he serenely stalked around the balcony and made for the mead table. Before he could pour his 15th goblet full Legolas’ strong fingers gripped his arm. That big warm belly, which Elrond actually found dead sexy, pressed against him again.

Elrond inhaled a deep breath and willed his cock back into submission. Down, Elrond, down.

Hissing in agitation Legolas leaned even closer. "Elrond, can you announce the engagement news? Arwen’s acting extremely bitchy to me so let’s make this official."

Right on cue one thin pretentious brow shot up. "And you don’t think she’s going to act bitchy once I make the announcement?"

Legolas smirked in satisfaction. "Well too bad; once she hears the news she’ll know she’s lost the "First and Only Let’s Snatch Aragorn" race! That big horse can go find another boy pasture to complete in."

"Very well. Come." As he posed behind a looking-like-he-wasdy-tdy-to-pass-out Aragorn and a preening Legolas Elrond mentally snickered in wicked glee. Oh these next few minutes were going to be such great fun! Selfish Legolas didn’t know what he was letting himself in for. Clapping his hands for attention Elrond waited until all eyes respectfully watched him. He gracefully spread his hands then lightly touched the couple on their shoulders. "My friends, I have special news. Once the grueling, dangerous, stupid, possibly tragic and pps eps even deadly, yes, most likely deadly, soul crushing, life-threatening..."

A violent coughing fit halted Elrond’s dismal words. Looking furious Gandalf shot a sullen glare at his old friend.

Whoops. Controlling his drunken wandering Elrond swallowed and shrugged. "... and gloriously brave Fellowship is over my dear Aragorn and Prince Legolas plan on joining."

Smiling prettily Legolas planted a big wet smootch on Aragorn’s twitching right cheek. He darted a quick sneer at Arwen.

The manly defender of Middle Earth clenched his eyes shut and frantically prayed for help. Orcs, Nazguls, demons, Balrogs... right now he’d accept any and all help.

Glorfindel was just about to yell, "ha, you call that news?" when the most obnoxious screech ever to foul Rivendell sliced through the warm air. The appalling loud shriek made a constipated Nazgul sound tuneful. The moaning Elves sank to their knees and held their sensitive ears.

In unison the Hobbits dropped their mead. Pippin pissed himself. Merry fainted into his salmon. Whimpering in alarm Frodo dove under the buffet table. Sam dove under with him and held Frodo’s new muscular body closer than he ever dreamed possible. Savvy Sam was the only one smiling.

Quick-witted Gandalf thundered across the balcony and clapped his hand over Arwen’s shrieking mouth. He cursed when she chomped down on his fingers. Shoving him on his ass the enraged Elf flapped her hands in the air and snarled in fury. "WHAAT??? This can’t be happening! Aragorn is mine! I am supposed to be the Queen! ME! You’re telling me that... that blonde Mirkwood scumsucker is... is..." When words failed her Arwen began screaming again.

Muttering into his beard Gandalf whacked her in the knees with his staff. Good thing; he saw Gimli about to charge with his ax. Now that would have been extremely messy and politically incorrect.

Arwen whirled aas aas about to kick the old wizard in the nuts when he sternly pointed at her. "Don’t try it, you ill-tempered vixen, unless you fancy the idea of living your immortal life without your nice hot hoochie-koochie hole."

A confused Arwen blinked in puzzlement until Gandalf’s meaning sunk in. Ooo, no way. Her mouth dropped open again but she wisely backed away from the angry wizard. Instead she turned her wrath back on Legolas and hold on, what about her Daddy? "Daddy, you know about this?"

Trying not to howl with drunken laughter Elrond shrugged. "Err, yes."

Staggering from their corner the twins hooted and pointed at their baby sister. Elladan stuck his tongue out. "Ha ha ha, are you the dumbest cow alive or what? Everyone knows Legolas and Aragorn have been shagging each other silly for weeks! All you had to do was go listen by Aragorn’s door. It was pretty hot stuff! But no, you are about as dense as that blockhead Haldir!"

Hissing in dragonesque fury Arwen backhanded both twins right across their mouths and sent them down to the stone.

Biting his lower lip Elrond winced. That hurt. He knew it had hurt when Celebrian backhanded him for making fun of her vast pregnant belly. Oh bother, now Arwen stalked toward them. Perhaps this wasn’t such a fun idea.

Boldly meeting the furious feminine onslaught Legolas planted his fists on his hips and thrust his belly out. "Back off, you big-boned man-eater!"

Arwen sneered. "Oh you should talk, porky! You look like you already consumed one man whole and are still digesting him!"

Trying to look nonchalant Aragorn quickly slid behind Legolas and ducked. Please, this was so not good. Could they maybe start off on their quest sooner? Like right the fuck now?

An irritated Elrond hissed in Aragorn’s ear and smacked the back of his head. Moron! "Could you please get your big boots off my feet? I’m not an old doormat."

"Oh, sorry, Poppa." Aragorn shifted a little then he gripped Legolas’ tense shoulders. Mmm, Gods, his Elf smelled soooo sweet. OK, this inv involve him so he should say something. "Arwen, come on, you knew there was nothing between us." That wasn’t bad. Well, technically right now Legolas stood between them but that was a very good thing.

Capturing his best regal pose Legolas artfully shook his long hair. "Face reality, you ignorant twit. Aragorn never loved you. I mean yuck, love your foster sister? That’s twisted even for this weirdo family."

Elrond stiffened a bit. Don’t go too far, you blonde barracuda.

This time Arwen hissed like an over-boiled teakettle. Her hisses displayed an interesting tonal range. "Look, blubber gut, he would have loved me if you hadn’t gotten your filthy Mirkwood claws into him! You as Queen? HA! You can’t be the Queen because you’re a male, or else I thought you were one. Maybe I’ve been wrong all these years!"

Legolas’g fig fingers itched to make contact with some horseflesh. "Excuse me, you cretinous child, I am extremely male. Just ask my dear Aragorn here. I’m more male than you are female, you equine freak." Leaning back Legolas insinuatingly rubbed his round ass against Aragorn’s family jewels.

Although that pressure felt really sexy Aragorn still trembled like a puppy about to be scolded for pissing on the carpet. Run away, run away!

Now that she thought about it Arwen wouldn’t give up. thouthought that already hit everyone else ages ago slammed into her brain. "Maybe you are a female and Aragorn’s knocked you up! Is that why he must join with you? You’re pregnant? You certainly look it, you swollen pimple!" Leaning forward Arwen poked her long finger into Legolas’ belly.

Legolas’ full beautiful lips thinned in vivid anger. Glorfindel’s loud drunken laughter didn’t make him feel any sweeter. All right, enough of these stupid pregnancy accusations! Enough! The most beautiful Elf in Middle Earth would not stand for any more insults about his weight gain. Legolas’ elegant right hand swung through the air and planted a firm slap directly on Arwen’s left cheek.

Arwen squealed in rage and smacked Legolas back with greater ferocity.

That did it. No one marred his perfect skin! Legolas slapped old horse face again.

This time Arwen laid an impressive roundhouse punch on Legolas’ pointy chin. Take that, you fat, man-steg crg creep!

Ouch! Snarling in fury Legolas returned the healthy punch then he childishly yanked at Arwen’s elaborate braids before shoving her hard. Punching a female felt wrong but this braying bitch deserved it!

Releasing another unholy ear-shattering scream Arwen aimed her long dangerous claws at Legolas’ beautiful face. Jerking backward Legolas grabbed her wrist and kicked her in the shin. By the Gods this big bitch was almost stronger than he!

An astonished Elrond pressed his long fingers to his stern lips and attempted to hold back his new laughter. Well, he supposed he should break this amusing little spat up. He didn’t want his daughter’s rampage to spoil Legolas’ pretty face. "Now you two, that’s enough of such unruly..."

Snarling like an Orc on peyote laced with crack Arwen shouted, "Shut your cake hole, Daddy!"

Elrond almost fell over in drunken surprise. "Arwen! I am your..."

Jumping up and down in a steaming hot temper Arwen clenched her big fists. "Don’t you Arwen me, you male monster! You knew about this man-stealing Jezebel’s dangerous little game and supported him because you like males more than females! You always liked the twins better than me! You don’t like me because I’m female! You never loved Mommy! You never gave me that horse I wanted for my 50th birthday! You never let me date until I was 80!"

Hmm, this was an interesting little tantrum. Actually Elrond wasn’t particularly fond of any of his children but now would not be the right time to admit to that problem. Well, he liked his slutty sons for their nice taut asses but... Focus here. He issued a defensive parry. "Arwen, how cruel of you." That sounded pitiful.

Grinning snottily Legolas snickered at Arwen. "No, Miss Freaky Filly, actually Elrond doesn’t like you because he, unlike you, owns a working brain. I mean who does like you? Your old Granny? Big deal."

Watching raptly from their drunken sprawl on the stone floor Elladan and Elrohir laughed and applauded. "You go, Legolas! We don’t even like her!"

Arwen suddenly went very still. The air around her almost vibrated with her monumental rage. Her wide brown eyes flashed explosive fire. Her big lips flapped like a hapless tuna stranded on the beach. She stomped her hoov... feet. Another unhealthy scream roared free. "You fat blonde bastard!"

Once the words left Arwen’s swollen lips she grabbed a surprised Legolas’ arm and swung with all her might. After swinging Legolas around in a full circle Arwen flung the dizzy Prince across the balcony. Loosing his balance Legolas tripped over his own dainty feet and performed a particularly graceless swan dive right into the buffet table. His round belly bounced into the salmon. Plates flew into the air. Salmon, pate and treats sprayed over the gaping guests.

Under the vibrating table Frodo screamed in acute alarm. Fair Rivendell must be under attack! Shushing his poor Mr. Frodo Sam patted Frodo’s crotch and smiled in bliss.

A whimpering Erestor ripped more hair from his head and fainted dead away. Seeing all his hard design work destroyed by a backwoods Elf proved too much for his delicate constitution. After uttering one agonized shriek Chef Mrantik joined him on the stone floor. They made a charming couple.

Glorfindel wiped goat cheese from his face, licked his fingers and began laughing hysterically. As did sopping wet Pippin and a revived Merry. Gandalf joined in. Gimli pounded his ax staff on the balcony and hooted. Soon the air vibrated with laughter. The amused Elves all nodded in approval. This was the funniest thing they had ever seen! Bravo! They began applauding and cheering.

A mortified Legolas remained lying face down in a plate of cheese soufflé. He licked a few bites into his mouth and decided it tasted quite good. All right, what did a Prince who had just been shoved into a table full of food do next? Resisting the urge to jump up and scream "stop laughing at me, you stupid shriveled old fucks" he slowly rolled onto his back and sat up. Food coated him from head to foot. Worse than that was the laughter. No one laughed at the supremely beautiful Legolas! He was going to kill that insane she-creature! How dare she do this to him!

Across the balcony Arwen pointed at Legolas and howled with laughter. Oh being such a bitch felt so wonderful! Look at the fat Prince decorated with food. In all her long life Arwen had never seen a more beautiful sight. This felt better than sex!

A hand gripping Arwen’s shoulder made her look to her right. That’s the last thing Arwen saw before a big manly fist plowed right into her nose and dropped her to the stone floor. Mmm, look at the pretty stars swirling in a circle!

The laughter abruptly halted, replaced by a collective high-pitched gasp. Legolas’ perfect sculpted lips dropped open in shock. His manly Aragorn had just decked Arwen? All right, if Legolas wasn’t sure that he loved Aragorn before tonight now true love certainly bloomed in his selfish little heart. Aragorn had knocked out his foster sister for disgracing Legolas? Siggghhhh. How marrrrvelous!

"Legolas, my darling, are you all right? Look what she’s done to you!" Aragorn pulled a hunk of runny Brie out of Legolas’ long hair.

"Oh my sweet Aragorn, you’re such a big strong man! You are my true hero!" Legolas batted his food-covered lashes and pressed his elegant hands against his fishy chest.

Aragorn puffed his broad chest out a bit and grinned in acknowledgment. Yeah, he was pretty damned special. "Well, sweetheart, it is my job to defend and protect."

Peering into Arwen’s face Elladan giggled. "Whoa, baby bro, I think you broke her nose!"

Elrond looked up from examining Arwen and shook his head in annoyance. "Arag did did you have to punch your foster sister in the nose? Couldn’t you have, well, at least just hit her in the mouth? Her big lips could have withstood the blow."

Now that his battle glow faded Aragorn looked sheepish. "Err, sorry, Poppa Elrond. When I saw what Arwen did to my precious beloved I... got a little carried away."

As he scraped salmon off his chest Glorfindel snorted in complete irritation. "So, Aragorn, is that what you learned from my warrior’s training? How to punch a le? le? I should make you..."

Not wanting to hear the same old diatribe again Aragorn held up calming hands. "I know, I know. Later."

Elrond stood up and gestured toward two stunned guards. "All right, take my daughter to the healing chamber. I’ll be right there." Glaring at Aragorn he shook his head again. "Look, I think it’d be best if you two started out on the Quest a little early. Like now. I’ll give Arwen something to keep her under so you can enjoy a head start. If you’re here when she wakes up I will not be held responsible for your murders."

Aragorn nodded in eager excitement. "Great idea, Poppa Elrond. After Legolas takes a bath we’ll escape." He looked at Gandalf. "We’ll wait for you at the Pass of Certain Deadly Doom and Gloom."

"That’s not the name, you big dolt, but I know what you mean. See you there." Gandalf waved his staff.

Leaning down Aragorn swept Legolas into his muscular arms and planted a long hard kiss on his lover’s perfect full lips. "Let’s get you cleaned up, my beauty."

Legolas blinked and fairly glowed with hot drippy love. His manly Aragorn had beat up his foster sister for Legolas. Oh yes, that was true shining devotion. Wrapping his arms around Aragorn’s neck Legolas turned their kiss into a deranged beard-curling sex epic. Once he let Aragorn pant again Legolas sighed in swooning delight. "I love you sooo much."

Aragorn almost dropped his weighty lover but he somehow kept hold of his slippery body. Well, maybe before they escaped he could get a little pumping action in. Oh yes. He refused to start off this stupid Fellowship journey with a rampaging woody.

As he walked down the balcony stairs Elrond shook his head and wondered, for the 7,154th time, why he put up with life in Middle Earth. Bah, did Valinor have really sweet beaches?

THE END... for now...