Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,036
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,036
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Sadistic Footwear
Chapter 18
Kalina was far beyond mere anger. After a journey through a confusing network of tunnels and caves, the orcs had brought them to some sort of prison that consisted of a dozen or so small cages dangling from the ceiling. Galadriel was slumped in one of them, looking bedraggled and exhausted. A few skeletons occupied the others, mostly orcish from what Kalina could tell. She and her companions had been unbound and stripped of their armor and weapons that had been thrown onto a heap of other confiscated loot from previous prisoners. The cages were then lowered, the four companions imprisoned, then hoisted into the air. They were soon left alone under the custody of one lone orc, more intent on looking at explicit woodcuts of young hobbits than paying much attention to his prisoners.
"Got a fag? I'm dying here," croaked Galadriel, in the cage next to Kalina.
"Uhm... I don't smoke. Ever," lied Kalina automatically. 'Never trust family authority figures with the truth' was her motto. Except for Elladan and Elrohir. But they weren't authority. They were irresponsible elder brothers who indulged their baby sister in any whim, from teaching her how to disembowel a troll through to rolling a good joint.
"Liar. You're worse than I was at your age," said Galadriel. Kalina cursed remembering Galadriel's irritating ability to read minds when she wanted, which was useful when she wanted something, such as a cigarette. "Which is no bad thing," she added as an afterthought, not wishing to offend the potential dispenser of nicotine.
"Tell my father and you'll regret it," said Kalina, reaching into a small pocket in her shirt and pulling out some regular tobacco and papers. The guard was too engrossed in eyeing up hobbits to pay any attention.
"As if. Your father's hot," said Galadriel, smirking. "Damn, Celebrian must have had it good..."
"Uhm... you're talking about my father and I'm finding it a bit unsavory," said Kalina, with the universal distaste shared by all children about their parents' sex lives.
"Oh shit. Sorry," said Galadriel.
"Just quit hitting on him. I'm confused enough as it is without having my half-siblings' grandmother as my new stepmother," warned Kalina, handing Galadriel a well-rolled cigarette.
"Thanks. Don't suppose you have any gin?" she asked hopefully.
"Legolas had a flask on him somewhere, but I have no idea what's in it... Fuckpuppet?" hissed Kalina at him.
"Four more years... four more years... four more years... four more years... NOO!!OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NIXOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Legolas, still in the throes of mushroom possession. The guard put down his porn and snarled at Legolas. He whimpered, scrambled to the far end of the cage and cowered. Satisfied the elf would no longer interrupt him, the guard went back to his woodcuts.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Galadriel, glaring at the cigarette till it glowed and she was able to smoke.
"Haldir fed him some dodgy mushrooms," sighed Kalina. "Hey! How'd you do that?"
"You live as long as I have, you pick up a few tricks. Works great on scaring the shit out of men," explained Galadriel, taking a drag.
"You'll have to teach me when we get out of here," said Kalina. She'd never really spent much time around Galadriel. By appearance it was obvious she was Arwen's grandmother. She had that same quiet dignity about her. However it had recently become apparent that while Galadriel appeared to be the epitome of wise elf woman, she was really some kind of decadent slut. Which was not a bad thing in Kalina's eyes.
"No problem. Assuming we do get out of here," sighed Galadriel.
"Hmm..." Kalina looked down and saw that she still had her boots on. They'd been searched for weapons but her dagger had been taken off her beforehand when she was captured. An idea came to her. "OI! Cunt-faced hobbit fiddler!! Yeah! YOU!" yelled Kalina at the orc.
Haldir and Aragorn had been paying little attention to their surroundings, both despairing. At Kalina's outburst, Haldir groaned, convinced they were now going to get tortured or killed or worse.
"Shut it, elf bitch!" snarled the orc.
"Yeah? Come over here and make me, troll sucking dick-breath!"
"Kalina... what the fuck are you doing?" hissed Aragorn, concerned.
"Trust me," she retorted as the orc put down his porn and walked over to Kalina. His head was about level with the bottom of the cage as he looked up glowering at Kalina.
"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT- Erghk!!!!!!" As the orc approached, Kalina clicked her boots together and a series of long sharp spikes emerged from the toes. She swung backwards in the cage, then slammed both her boots under the orc's chin, skewering his head on her footwear. "HAH!" she cried triumphantly. "Haldir, can you reach and grab the keys?" asked Kalina, gently swinging in the cage, desperately trying to keep the orc carcass skewered on her spikes as she tried to position it to where Haldir could reach the keys.
"Uh..." said Haldir, staring in horror and amazement before complying. He crouched down, then snatched the keys off of the corpse and fumbled with them, finally finding one that opened his cage.
"Now get this off my feet! The weight is killing me!" said Kalina, the dead weight of the orc weighing down hard on her legs. Grimacing, Haldir obeyed and pulled the body off of the spikes, then unlocked Kalina and helped her down. Once down, she clicked the heels of her boots again and the spikes retracted. Haldir hurried to the assistance of the other captives while Kalina reclaimed her weapons and armor.
Kalina was far beyond mere anger. After a journey through a confusing network of tunnels and caves, the orcs had brought them to some sort of prison that consisted of a dozen or so small cages dangling from the ceiling. Galadriel was slumped in one of them, looking bedraggled and exhausted. A few skeletons occupied the others, mostly orcish from what Kalina could tell. She and her companions had been unbound and stripped of their armor and weapons that had been thrown onto a heap of other confiscated loot from previous prisoners. The cages were then lowered, the four companions imprisoned, then hoisted into the air. They were soon left alone under the custody of one lone orc, more intent on looking at explicit woodcuts of young hobbits than paying much attention to his prisoners.
"Got a fag? I'm dying here," croaked Galadriel, in the cage next to Kalina.
"Uhm... I don't smoke. Ever," lied Kalina automatically. 'Never trust family authority figures with the truth' was her motto. Except for Elladan and Elrohir. But they weren't authority. They were irresponsible elder brothers who indulged their baby sister in any whim, from teaching her how to disembowel a troll through to rolling a good joint.
"Liar. You're worse than I was at your age," said Galadriel. Kalina cursed remembering Galadriel's irritating ability to read minds when she wanted, which was useful when she wanted something, such as a cigarette. "Which is no bad thing," she added as an afterthought, not wishing to offend the potential dispenser of nicotine.
"Tell my father and you'll regret it," said Kalina, reaching into a small pocket in her shirt and pulling out some regular tobacco and papers. The guard was too engrossed in eyeing up hobbits to pay any attention.
"As if. Your father's hot," said Galadriel, smirking. "Damn, Celebrian must have had it good..."
"Uhm... you're talking about my father and I'm finding it a bit unsavory," said Kalina, with the universal distaste shared by all children about their parents' sex lives.
"Oh shit. Sorry," said Galadriel.
"Just quit hitting on him. I'm confused enough as it is without having my half-siblings' grandmother as my new stepmother," warned Kalina, handing Galadriel a well-rolled cigarette.
"Thanks. Don't suppose you have any gin?" she asked hopefully.
"Legolas had a flask on him somewhere, but I have no idea what's in it... Fuckpuppet?" hissed Kalina at him.
"Four more years... four more years... four more years... four more years... NOO!!OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NIXOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Legolas, still in the throes of mushroom possession. The guard put down his porn and snarled at Legolas. He whimpered, scrambled to the far end of the cage and cowered. Satisfied the elf would no longer interrupt him, the guard went back to his woodcuts.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Galadriel, glaring at the cigarette till it glowed and she was able to smoke.
"Haldir fed him some dodgy mushrooms," sighed Kalina. "Hey! How'd you do that?"
"You live as long as I have, you pick up a few tricks. Works great on scaring the shit out of men," explained Galadriel, taking a drag.
"You'll have to teach me when we get out of here," said Kalina. She'd never really spent much time around Galadriel. By appearance it was obvious she was Arwen's grandmother. She had that same quiet dignity about her. However it had recently become apparent that while Galadriel appeared to be the epitome of wise elf woman, she was really some kind of decadent slut. Which was not a bad thing in Kalina's eyes.
"No problem. Assuming we do get out of here," sighed Galadriel.
"Hmm..." Kalina looked down and saw that she still had her boots on. They'd been searched for weapons but her dagger had been taken off her beforehand when she was captured. An idea came to her. "OI! Cunt-faced hobbit fiddler!! Yeah! YOU!" yelled Kalina at the orc.
Haldir and Aragorn had been paying little attention to their surroundings, both despairing. At Kalina's outburst, Haldir groaned, convinced they were now going to get tortured or killed or worse.
"Shut it, elf bitch!" snarled the orc.
"Yeah? Come over here and make me, troll sucking dick-breath!"
"Kalina... what the fuck are you doing?" hissed Aragorn, concerned.
"Trust me," she retorted as the orc put down his porn and walked over to Kalina. His head was about level with the bottom of the cage as he looked up glowering at Kalina.
"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT- Erghk!!!!!!" As the orc approached, Kalina clicked her boots together and a series of long sharp spikes emerged from the toes. She swung backwards in the cage, then slammed both her boots under the orc's chin, skewering his head on her footwear. "HAH!" she cried triumphantly. "Haldir, can you reach and grab the keys?" asked Kalina, gently swinging in the cage, desperately trying to keep the orc carcass skewered on her spikes as she tried to position it to where Haldir could reach the keys.
"Uh..." said Haldir, staring in horror and amazement before complying. He crouched down, then snatched the keys off of the corpse and fumbled with them, finally finding one that opened his cage.
"Now get this off my feet! The weight is killing me!" said Kalina, the dead weight of the orc weighing down hard on her legs. Grimacing, Haldir obeyed and pulled the body off of the spikes, then unlocked Kalina and helped her down. Once down, she clicked the heels of her boots again and the spikes retracted. Haldir hurried to the assistance of the other captives while Kalina reclaimed her weapons and armor.