The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 18: Sue Spew

After an afternoon of more secluded sex, Kalina had finally evicted a worn out elf prince from her room and got ready for the arrival of Glorfindel and Helegiell, his niece. Being such an old friend, and having been off visiting relatives and friends for a bit, Elrond was insisting on throwing a nice laid back welcome back party of sorts. Which meant Kalina was forced to look and act respectable for at least the start of the evening. If caught intoxicated later on she could blame it on overenthusiastic relatives insisting on dispensing copious amounts of alcohol to the young elf. But by that point in the evening things had usually descended into an anarchic situation whereby everyone would be too damned wasted to notice another casualty of the revelry.

The only problem was the respectability clause. Typically Kalina turned up to these events in her nicest armour and a hood since that drew less attention to her. However she had decided tonight to wear an incredibly flattering dark blue velvet dress that did incredible things to her cleavage. Still filled with mild rancour towards Celebelen and her attempts to draw attention to herself, Kalina couldn’t resist the opportunity to remind the wretched crack-whore of her inferior status. Plus there was the advantage of being able to force attractive males to bring her alcohol.

Kalina stood in a corner of the massive hall housing the festivities, holding a small glass of wine and watching folk arrive. Someone tapped her on her shoulder. Kalina turned irritably then gasped with glee. Her brothers had been away for a couple of weeks and had returned unannounced. She launched herself at Elladan, clinging to his neck and wrapping her legs around him
like a monkey.

“When’d you get back?” she asked, detaching herself from Elladan and lunging at Elrohir before the first twin could answer.

“This afternoon. Where were you? We found some mushrooms in the forest on our way back that we figured you’d appreciate,” said Elladan.

“Aw!! You’re so sweet! I was er… in my room,” said Kalina. “I’ve been trying to keep a low profile but I keep getting antagonised into committing acts of violence,” said Kalina, finally releasing her other sibling and realising that her enthusiasm had caused her wine to go flying. She absently looked around for a bottle.

“What did Arwen do now,” sighed Elrohir, only too aware of the usual rift between the sisters.

“Oh, no, I’m on speaking terms with her. I have been for several hours. I introduced her to bloodlust!” said Kalina, pleased.

“What, really? How did you manage that?” asked Elladan, casually pulling out a pipe with something very exotic indeed in its bowl. He lit it and inhaled.

“This hideous human turned up in the garden and succeeded in picking a fight with Arwen in front of me. I have exclusive rights to torturing her and no little mortal bitch is going to hassle her on my watch,” grumbled Kalina.

“Awww… the little bitch has a heart,” teased Elrohir, patting Kalina on the head. She feigned a punch that he caught but distracted him from the meaningful kick to the kneecap that Kalina dispensed. Elrohir swore and grabbed his knee.

“Smoke this before he retaliates and this all gets out of hand,” said Elladan, sticking the pipe in Kalina’s mouth. Momentarily backing away from the intrusion of her personal space, Kalina quickly accepted that this was a good intrusion and took hold of the pipe and inhaled deeply.

“What the hell did you put in that?” she gasped, trying to restrain herself from coughing as she exhaled. The twins grinned at her as she passed the pipe to Elrohir.

“Three types of shire weed, ground psychotropic mushrooms, with just a hint of nutmeg,” said Elladan.

“Warn me next time, will you?” said Kalina, feeling her eyes take on a glazed red texture that she didn’t need to see to be aware of its presence. “I was hoping to look at least semi-coherent until Daddy gets wasted.”

“He’s over there fawning over Helegiell,” said Elladan, gesturing. Sure enough, Elrond was talking charmingly at an attractive female elf with a certain aloof and icy beauty to her that Elrond seemed to dig once in a while. Usually they were much more liberated and less uptight after spending time with the Lord of Rivendell. Elrond liked a challenge as much as the next elf.

“Excellent. Give me another hit then!” said Kalina, confident her father would be too preoccupied in chatting up his potential poontang to pay much attention to his offspring. Elladan now had possession of the pipe and passed it on to his little half-sister.

“Remember when you were fifteen and we spiked your drink with vodka?” asked Elladan, getting briefly nostalgic as he watched his sister blow out a row of smoke rings.

“Nope, but that was the point,” replied Kalina, passing on the pipe. She then shuddered in mild horror as Celebelen entered the hall, being escorted by Bilbo Baggins, grinning like a lecherous maniac. “Okay, that’s jut not right,” she groaned, feeling somewhat sickened by the images her brain was shooting into her mind’s eye against her will.

“Is that the human, then?” inquired Elladan. Kalina nodded. Celebelen had noticed her and was excusing herself from the hobbit and heading over towards her, smiling.

“Yes, and I think she’s been paid for her services and wants to buy some crack off of me,” sighed Kalina.

“She’s on crack?” asked Elrohir, slightly stunned. He looked at his sister suspiciously.

“I didn’t do it! Haldir got her hooked,” she said defensively. Elladan shrugged, quickly glancing the human over. He looked meaningfully at his brother who wrinkled his nose at him in distaste.

“I know what that look communicates. She already tried it on Daddy. That’s why Arwen got all psycho on her,” said Kalina.

“Eeeew,” replied her brothers in unison. Old as they were, the concept of their father getting it on with a skanky human a fraction of their age was not a pleasant one.

“Hi Kalina,” said Celebelen, smirking at her.

“Hello. I’m going to assume you have some form of currency on your person?” inquired Kalina.

“Who are these charming boys?” inquired Celebelen, ignoring Kalina’s question and staring brazenly at the twins. The unconsciously edged together and glared suspiciously at Rivendell’s authentic crack whore.

“Siblings of mine,” said Kalina. Celebelen, remembering earlier today all too well instantly backed off and restricted her attention to Kalina.

“Here, is this enough?” asked Celebelen. She handed Kalina a small red leather purse. Kalina pulled open the drawstrings and tipped out a small pile of gold coins onto her palm.

“That wil nic nicely,” she replied sweetly. Glancing around to make sure nobody of any significant authority was looking, she reached into her cleavage and pulled out another vial of crack that she surreptitiously handed over to Celebelen.

“Thanks!” she said, scurrying off into the gardens with a pipe clutched in her hand. Kalina crossed her arms, satisfied with her handiwork. She was suddenly smothered in affectionate hugs from her brothers. “Argh! What’s this for?”

“You’re such an adorable little dealer! You’re just like us when we were your age,” said Elladan, smiling.

“What can I say, I’ve had great role models,” conceded Kalina, returning the hug.

“Am I interrupting something?” asked Legolas, who had just arrived. The temperature seemed to drop a few degrees as the twins released their sister and glared at the elf.

“You’re still here, I see,” said Elrohir coldly. Elladan nodded. They crossed their arms simultaneously and mirrored the same glare at Legolas.

“By my invitation,” said Kalina defensively. There were a few drawbacks to having loving half-brothers. Particularly when it came to Legolas. They knew all too well about his rather sordid past in Mirkwood and no matter how many times Kalina reassured them, the twins made it no secret that they would happily see to it that the pretty blonde prince would meet an unpleasant fate if he did anything to upset Kalina.

“Isn’t he starting to wear out his invitation?” inquired Elladan in a disturbingly similar tone to Kalina’s menacingly sweet voice when she was about to lash out.

“NO! You leave him alone. He gets plenty enough abuse from me,” snapped Kalina.

“I bet he does,” said Elrohir, raising a mocking eyebrow.

“Why don’t you go pick on Aragorn for a while?” suggested Kalina.

“Because he isn’t in our line of vision,” replied Elladan.

“If I give you this will you leave me alone?” demanded Legolas, pulling out a small pouch of his own home-grown strain of Shire weed. It was incredibly potent.

“He’s bribing us, brother,” said Elladan.

“Indeed,” replied Elrohir. They continued to regard Legolas with icy stares. Rolling her eyes, Kalina snatched the weed off of Legolas and thrust it into Elladan’s hand.

“Just shut up and accept it. You won’t regret it,” said Kalina.

“Fine. Hey look! The crack whore’s vomiting in the garden!” said Elrohir, pointing out of the window at Celebelen who had probably smoked a bit too much and was currently expelling the contents of her stomach on a bed of tiger lilies.

“Grrr… Ilúvatar on bloody shrooms, I better get her before Daddy sees what she’s done,” groaned Kalina, hurrying off into the garden and leaving her snickering siblings behind.