Underneath it all

(if you can dig up the tune *empty* with Cranberries from their CD *no need to argue* it would be perfect to go with this chap.)

********************************************************************''

Chap 17 - Empty

Haldir stayed for some time, and I was more than thrilled to see him for it had been long. But what I had thought about the most was Elladan's strange behaviour towards Glorfindel. Why would he act like that? I shook my head. I would probably find out soon enough.

I looked over the garments that Haldir had brought me. I sent him a silent thank you as I noticed that they were made in the colours of Lorien. I caressed the fabric that was soft as silk. Then I found it. Erestor's gift. I had to chuckle as I lifted a black silk scarf.

I let the thin fabric run through my fingers, and slowly put it up to my eyes. It was perfect. It was impossible to see through, but easy to breathe in. I smiled at the thought of using it for its purpose, and my thoughts went back to the border talan and Erestor. The smell of leather and lust, feeling cold hands on my warm skin that made me squirm in delight. I recalled Erestor's husky voice whispering little compliments, as I felt his hair tickle, his hot breath close. But I had been robbed the sight, it had all displayed in my mind.

I heard my own voice tremble as I could only feel his ministrations. He kissed me, and he had made me spend myself even before he had started.

I smelled the scarf. It actually bore Erestor's scent. Why had he given me this? Yes, I had enjoyed our night together, but still... Then the thought stuck me. He had seen Elrohir. I snickered to myself, this gift was not for me, it was for my lover.

I slowly got up from the bed and looked out the window. The snow was sticking to the ground. I stood there and looked over the gardens. I suddenly saw an elf walking across the snow, but as I pressed my nose to see who it was, I noted there were footprints. It had to be one of the half elves I reasoned. Before I had a chance to do anything, I watched Glorfindel come running up from behind and grab the elf.

I did not even notice I held my breath waiting for what happened next. I was absolutely amazed when I saw them kiss, not as relatives or old friends, but as lovers.

/Elladan?/

As curious as I was, I felt like an intruder. I left the window. I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. I was hideous and fat. My belly had grown into unknown dimensions. I had never in my life thought I could look like this. I sighed and took off my clothes, but seeing myself naked was even worse. I herd a strained sob rise from my throat. I could not understand why Elrohir found me attractive. I suddenly paled.

Had I been wrong? Perhaps Elrohir's punishment, which Elladan had been so mad about, had not been so grave as I had first thought. Perhaps that elf kissing the handsome seneschal of Rivendell was not Elladan.

Could it really be Elrohir? I had thought his actions sweet and caring. Celeborn had told Elrond to help me, and so he did. Then perhaps Elrohir too felt compelled to be polite and kind to me.

Polite, that word burned my mouth and made me sick. Yes! Elladan had been right all along. He had been truthful. This was why he had acted like that. He had protected his brother, trying to convince Glorfindel that I had done something to his mind and judgement. Did he do this in order for Glorfindel to forgive Elrohir his indiscretion in Lorien?

I felt hot tears well up in the corner of my eyes. Elladan was right, I had destroyed Elrohir's life. I grabbed a little figurine of a deer from the mantle and tossed it into the mirror, hating my image, hating myself. Never again did I want to see my reflection.

The mirror shattered to the floor, but I didn't care. I put on the garments that were still on the bed. I dressed as quickly as I could, having immense trouble with my boots. I finally took the scarf from Erestor. For a second I thought about leaving it here for Elrohir to have since it was for him, but then I wrapped it around my neck as a normal scarf. I took my cloak. When I slammed open the door and pulled up the hood, taking a step outside in the cold, I was surprised I felt no sorrow or cold. I did not feel anything at all, I was numb.

I walked over the courtyard, wising someone had bothered with giving me a tour around this place. Most of all I wished the ground would open up and swallow me, then this torment would be over, as would be the impact I had made on the lives of others.

I suddenly slipped and fell on my behind in the snow, and I kicked my legs in an angry fit. I hated myself, and I hated this thing inside of me.

I crawled up on all fours burying my hands in the snow. I knew that it should be cold, even to me, but I felt nothing. I slowly got up on my feet looking at my fingers, they were red and swollen from the cold, but still no feeling. I shook my head and ventured towards the stables. I needed to find the horse that had brought me here.

I saw a soldier ride into a double door and I smiled to myself. I sent a silent prayer to the Valar, for showing me the way. I carefully walked over to the stables and peeked inside. The soldier was alone so I waited in the shadows.

I felt a sharp stab of pain in my chest when I realised that this had to be where Elrohir had been standing when he watched Haldir and Erestor. I felt tears well up once more, and I cursed myself for my own weakness.

Elrohir had his own life, and Haldir had found himself a lover, they had no need for me. Elladan was right - Elladan was right.

The soldier left and I dared to leave the shadows in the door. I couldn't find the horse, as there was more than one that looked like it. I just took a large white stallion and padded it on the nose. "Hello there," I whispered and opened the door of the booth.

The large horse took two steps forward and carefully smelled my belly. It then bobbed its head before walking even further out in the hall. I stepped aside and let the horse walk past m. To my surprise, it kneeled down to make it possible for me to mount it. "Thank you," I whispered as I ungracefully got up on its back.

Once I was there it slowly rose. Glancing around I saw Glorfindel's horse. It was not hard to recognize, as it was halsizesize bigger than even the largest steed there.

I kicked my own horse in the side and rode out through the stable. I prayed I would make an unnoticed escape, as I knew Haldir would surely force me to stay if he saw me. He would then stay in my room for the time I should remain here, and this would ruin his relationship with Erestor. I did not want my most beloved friend's happiness on my conscience.

I looked at the horse's mane, not wanting to look at the surely magnificent sight of Rivendell buried in virgin snow. "Ride my friend, take me to Mirkwood, take me home."

-NEXT-

************************************

another MPREG :/ I think this revenge of the male
species is getting a habit for me. I would like to thank Bersa for
the encouragement. Esteliel for being such an inspiration, Morgana for making me love Haldir.
And of course to Milly for just being there, helping me along the way with the plot *smiles*
Avalon deserves a hug or two as well, for keeping me in the fire. And to Kharessa Bloodrose for inspiring me to my favourite version of Erestor. Thanks you gals!
- This is Betaed by Steph, thanks for coming through for me sweetie
I want feedback - as always *smiles* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!?! *Bats eyelashes*


Az.