The Price of Pride

Elvish translations

A’maelamin – beloved
Mir nín – my treasure
Melethron – lover (male)
Mellyn-nín – my friends
Pen-neth – young one
Caun-neth – young prince
Hiril nín – my lady

Chapter 16

We slept there on the terrace, under the stars. Just before dawn, I carried Arwen inside. I did not expect anyone to come to the cottage, but I was unwilling to share her naked beauty if anyone happened to wander by. She stirred in my arms when I laid her on the bed. “Legolas,” she murmured before falling back into reverie.

“I am here, a’maelamin,” I whispered, knowing she could not hear me. To speak of my love was forbidden, and yet, after what we had shared, I could not keep silent. So I whispered, in the darkness of the night, to her sleeping form, the words I dared not say aloud in the light of day. I was leaving that afternoon and I did not know what the situation would be the next time I saw her. By then, she might have met the one she was destined to love. That moment was the only chance I knew I would have to whisper my feelings, even if she never heard me. I snuggled beside her in the bed, drawing her back against me, to savor her closeness for the time we had left.

I did not sleep again, as we lay there in bed. My mind was too busy racing ahead with thoughts of what would come when I returned home. I was worried about my father’s reaction. I knew he loved me, but I did not know what he would think of my forbidden love.

“You are far away from me.” Arwen’s voice broke through my thoughts. “Where were you?”

“I was thinking of home,” I told her honestly.

“You are leaving today.”

“Uma. I have tarried longer than I should have.”

“Why did you stay?”

“I told you before that I would not miss your birthday. I wanted to stay and be with you, but duty calls. I should return home.”

“When will I see you again?”

“That is in the hands of the Valar, mir nín.”

“I hope it will not be another fifty years,” she chided.

“As do I.”

“And will you be my lover still when next we meet?”

“Unless you have met someone else by then,” I assured her, though my heart broke at the thought.

“Or unless you have.”

I did not tell her that I had no expectation of ever meeting anyone to replace her. I could not tell her that, not when I knew she would someday love another, regardless of what she felt for me that day.

“When next we meet,” I said instead, “call me melethron if you still desire me. That way I will know.” She nodded her agreement.

“And you will call me melethril.”

We rose finally and returned to the house to face the day. We had missed breakfast so Arwen went to get a tray while I bathed. I came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel to find Arwen sitting at the table.

“Melethron,” she said, holding out her hand.

Her words had an immediate impact. Breakfast was forgotten as we made love frantically, the reality of our impending separation spurring us on. Gone was the patience of the night before. In its place was speed and desperation, as if by loving hard enough and fast enough we could somehow hold the world at bay.

We were successful for a short time, but reality would not be put on hold forever. It came time to dress and say my good-byes to the rest of Imladris. Arwen did not join me right away, knowing I wanted a few private moments with my friends.

I embraced Glorfindel and Erestor when I found them together in the library. “Thank you, mellyn-nín,” I said fervently. “Last night was perfect. I could not have done it without you.”

“It was our pleasure, pen-neth” Erestor replied with a smile. He had taken to calling me young one since I had returned and he had realized my state. I did not mind, for compared to him I was young, and I sensed his affection every time he used the endearment. “We will keep an eye on her while you are gone.”

“The twins suggested that she, too, suffered from my absence.”

“It certainly appears that way now.” Glorfindel answered the question I had not dared to ask. “We will send for you before it becomes too severe again. You must watch yourself, though, Legolas. You will suffer much more than she, with no one to watch you, for you have admitted what you feel. Whatever Arwen feels for you, and I do not claim to know her heart, she has not admitted it to any, save perhaps to herself. Do not wait too long between visits if you do not want others to guess your state. The transformation will be too obvious if you do.”

It was good advice. I just did not know how I would follow it. I had responsibilities in Mirkwood that would not let me leave just because I wanted to see my lover.

I tried to find the twins, to say good-bye to them as well. They had been my best friends for a long time and the rift between us bothered me. They did not consent to be found, however, and they knew Imladris better than I ever would. I would not find them if they did not want me to.

I was on my way to rejoin Arwen before lunch when I met Celebrian in the hall.

“So you are leaving us today, caun-neth,” she observed.

“Yes, hiril nín,” I replied.

“Walk with me before lunch,” she requested. I offered her my arm and we walked into the gardens. She was silent for a long time as we walked. Finally she spoke. “My daughter seems much happier than when she left Lórien. I believe I have you to thank for that.”

I did not know what to say. I could not very well admit my feelings to Arwen’s mother. Could I?

“Elrond does not keep secrets from me, Legolas. I know what has happened since you arrived, and I know why he has acted as he has. I cannot say I agree with him, for I see you suffering, but neither can I gainsay him. I spoke to my mother, though perhaps you would rather she did not know, but I could not bear to see either you or my daughter suffer. Unfortunately, my mother could not clarify Elrond’s vision. She saw much the same thing as he. I do not tell you this to hurt you, though I know my words must wound. I just want you to know that I would be on your side if I could, for I know that Arwen cares for you deeply.”

I opened my mouth to ask if Arwen returned my feelings, but Celebrian did not let me speak. “She has not confided in me, and she will not, for she has long kept her own counsel. I am glad of it, in a way. If I knew what she felt, I would feel obliged to help her, even if my actions were wrong. Do not be a stranger, Legolas. Neither of you can avoid all the suffering this has caused, but you should not suffer needlessly.”

“I was not sure I would be welcome again. Lord Elrond has every right to be angry with me.”

“You will always be welcome here, Legolas. Elrond is many things, but cruel he is not. As long as you do not speak of your love, he will not keep you from seeing Arwen. Enough of this depressing talk. It is time for lunch.”

I escorted her to the dining hall where Arwen reclaimed my arm. We ate in silence. I was afraid to speak for fear of pouring out my feelings. Why she was silent, I do not know. Perhaps she shared my fear, or perhaps my mood infected her as well.

I met my escort in the courtyard after lunch. Arwen clung to my side for as long as she could, even when it was obvious Elrond wanted a private word. He settled finally for giving me a sealed letter for my father. The look in his eyes told me exactly what that letter contained. There would be no way out of telling my father the truth. I could not even conveniently forget about the letter, not when the entire guard saw Elrond give it to me. I kissed Arwen one last time before mounting and spurring my horse out of the courtyard. I did not look back as I had done the last time. If I had, and she had been standing there, I would never have left. I would have turned back and thrown myself at her feet, begging her to let me stay or, if not, then to come with me. We had spoken no promises, made no vows, yet the feeling of our souls touching as we made love was so real, so strong to me, that I felt as if we had forged a bond in spite of ourselves. I left, as I knew I had to, but I could not bear knowing that she watched me leave.