Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 15

"So what's for breakfast?" asked Legolas, wandering back from the forest. Haldir was cooking industriously, still smiling.

"Bacon!! And mushrooms!!! I picked them myself!!!!" Haldir brandished a mushroom skewered on the fork he was cooking with and waved it at Legolas.

"That actually looks good," said Legolas, hungry.

"Well, there's some cooked on that plate. Help yourself!!!"

Legolas edged away from Haldir and helped himself to some food. "Haldir, I'm impressed. You don't look the cooking type," said Legolas in-between mouthfuls.

"Here!!! Have more!!" Haldir piled on more mushrooms. Legolas continued to eat. In the background he could hear Kalina's voice of wrath filtering through the trees.

"That's the stupidest thing I've heard in weeks. AND I JUST SPENT TWO DAYS IN HIS COMPANY!" yelled Kalina, pointing at Haldir with her dagger.

"But... but this way your father won't kill me since he won't be able to find me and we can live together until I die and then you can carry on with your life! No marriage, you won't have to give up being immortal and you've got much nicer tits than Arwen!" protested Aragorn. Legolas looked up, confused.

"You've seen Arwen's tits?" he asked, intrigued.

"Briefly. Accidentally walked in on her having a bath. Didn't speak to me for weeks," sighed Aragorn. "But anyway I don't want her, I want you!" he said, earnestly pleading with Kalina.

"Yes, but I have no interest in running off and living in hiding with you!!"

"But I love you!! Unlike Arwen I actually know you! And I can have fun and get stoned with you without having to explain myself and blame Gandalf's bad influence!" Aragorn tried to embrace Kalina but found himself discouraged from doing so by her dagger tip poking gently into the side of his neck.

"Do the words casual sex exist in your vocabulary? Or do they just have a different definition? And furthermore Daddy WOULD find you and your fate would be far worse than any death you'd meet on some gay quest for kingship. And then you not only get to marry Arwen but you get the added bonus of having lots of young wenches hurling themselves at you in low cut dresses." Kalina tried to reason on a level the sex starved human could grasp.

"But I don't want that! I want you! I've never met a woman who was able to get her legs as far behind your head as you! And that thing you do with your tongue..."

"What tongue thing? I feel left out!" said Legolas, half seriously.

"Shut it!" snapped Kalina, then noticed that Legolas was eating. "Legolas... can I have a look at one of those mushrooms?" she asked quietly. Legolas handed her his plate. "Uhm... who picked these?"

"I did!! They're Celeborn's favorites! Want some?" asked Haldir merrily.

"Well that explains a LOT about Celeborn... and Daddy's frequent mushroom hunts while he's visiting," sighed Kalina.

"Oh shit. Legolas... how many have you eaten?" demanded Aragorn.

"Uhm... about eight or nine... Why?" he asked. "Are they poisonous?!"

"You ever done mushrooms before?" asked Kalina. Legolas went pale. "No, calm down! You don't want to go getting The Fear! Happy thoughts!" ordered Kalina. Legolas whimpered in terror. He was a slut, and smoked and drank quite a lot. However he'd never tried hallucinogenics. And now he'd eaten a meal of psychotropic mushrooms.

"Whoops! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Haldir screeched with laughter as Legolas tried to calm down. Kalina glared at Haldir.

"Will you at least give it some thought?" asked Aragorn as Kalina tried to calm down Legolas by slapping him across the face.

"Will you bloody well piss off? I told you NO!!! And at the rate you're going I'm going to hurt you very soon and even after the injuries I intend to inflict on you heal YOU WILL REMAIN A FRACTION OF THE MAN YOU ARE." Kalina didn't raise her voice. She merely managed to give her words a certain terrifying depth and menace.

"AHAHAHAHAA!! SHE WANTS TO CUT HIS PENIS OFF!!!!" Haldir found the prospect hysterical and abandoned cooking to roll around on the ground laughing.

"However, if you shut him up and (I hate saying this) help him get back to normal themighmight allow you the privilege of pleasuring me. This also means that you will never ask me to marry you, run off with you, breed with you or commit to you in any way."

The thought of getting to grope the angry little elf-bitch was a massive temptation. Also, the promise of sex in the near future was a much more tangible prospect.

"I think I have something that will at least relax him," said Aragorn. "Then we should probably try and find those orcs."

"How can we go hunting orcs if I'm hallucinating?" demanded Legolas, glaring at Aragorn. Aragorn shot him a hurt look.

"I wasn't the one who fed you magic mushrooms," sniffed Aragorn. "And SOMEBODY has to lead the party."

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, CRYYYYYY IF I WANT TOOOOOOO!!!!" sang Haldir loudly and off key.

"Aragorn, go get things to shut him up now... He'll give Legolas the Fear and I don't think I can cope with that," said Kalina. Legolas had despair written across his sculpted features, looking decidedly pitiful and wretched. An idea clarified itself in her brain and she smiled. "You. Come with me," she ordered, holding a hand out to Legolas. He grasped it and pulled himself up. "We'll be back in an hour or so. I'm going to make sure that if Legolas is tripping it'll at least get off to a good start and will hopefully avoid freaking out when he sees orcs."

"Can I come?" asked Aragorn eagerly. He knew Kalina well enough to hazard a guess at what was in store for Legolas and if it was he was almost certain it was he was definitely up for it.

"Down boy! Don't want to share right now! Plus I've guided you through a couple of bad trips so you know what I'm doing. And give me those shrooms," she snapped at Haldir. Smiling blankly at her he handed over the plate. "Right. Follow me." Kalina led the confused and wary Legolas away towards the trees where Kalina's cloak met its messy fate.