Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...)
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motions
and kissy sounds)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be
writing fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it,
because we'd be rich and have lots more free time...
Summary: We are so making you guess...
Feedback: YES!


Legolas: Haldir…

Haldir: What do you all want from me?

Legolas: You know that we love you…

Haldir: I'm not in the mood, Wood Elf…go find someone else to
get your jollies with.

Legolas: Not THAT kind of love, you dimbulb! We love you as a
person, and respect you! Jeez, your mind is always in the
gutter…anyway…we've gathered here today, all of your friends
and loved ones, to try to make you understand that you're in
denial.

Haldir: Denial of what? That you're a scatterbrained imbecile? I
don't deny that.

Legolas: You're in denial that you have a serious ass-jiggling
problem. It's a sickness, and we want you to get help. We've
even chipped in to get you this "Buns of Steel" work-out video…

Haldir: MY ASS DOES NOT JIGGLE! **tries to storm out of the
room**

Legolas: Quick! Get him! Get his leggings off and get the
mirrors!

Haldir: …oh…oh, My Eru…it DOES jiggle…

Legolas: It's okay, Haldir…admitting you have a problem is half
the battle…

Legolas and Haldir's Excellent Adventure
Chapter 15

The Travelers from Arda fled toward the entrance to the water
park trying to get through the turnstiles before the rampaging
mob from the school caught up with them.

Unfortunately, not having any tickets, the cashier locked the
turnstiles and steadfastly refused to let them in.

"Please, my Lady…they will be upon us at any moment!" Haldir
begged, looking over his shoulder at the nearing crowd of
screaming teenaged girls, teachers, Principal, and one rather
scary-looking janitor with green teeth.

"Sorry…no money, no tickets, no entry. Those are the rules…"
the young girl said, popping her chewing gum.

Sighing, Legolas reached into the window of the ticket booth,
grabbed the girl's head, and planted a searing, knee-knocking,
mind-numbing kiss on her. When he let her go, she stood there
blinking rapidly for a moment.

"Yeah…okay…sure…whatever you want…" the girl managed to
say, pressing the button to let them in.

"Thank you most kindly," Legolas called, snapping the chewing
gum that was now in his mouth, pushing Haldir through the
turnstiles.

"Hey!" The girl called out after the Mirkwood Prince, "what's your
number?"

"8!" Legolas yelled over his shoulder, the gum flying out and
sticking in Gimli's hair.

"Huh? Man, he is pretty, but not too bright…" the girl muttered,
watching them flee into the park.

They scurried in, hiding behind a booth with a sign that read,
"T-O-W-E-L-S on it. They watched as the group of pursuers from
the school battered their way through the turnstiles and ran past
them.


"What do we do now?" Aragorn asked Haldir. "They'll tear us
apart if they get their hands on us!"

"If we dress like the natives…perhaps they won't recognize us…"
Haldir mused, eyeing the humans running about the park
dressed in next to nothing.

Quickly the group stripped down to their undershorts, except for
Galadriel, who stripped down to her lace doily thong and
Wonderbra. Grima tried to take off his loincloth, but Legolas
threatened to separate him from his head if he did, so he left it
on. Gollum, still slightly blackened around the edges from his
ride on top of the telephone booth, just whimpered in his cage.

They spend nearly ten minutes trying to roll Haldir's tongue back
up into his mouth, as it had unfurled itself down his chest and
across the floor when he turned around and saw Galadriel.

Leading them out into the park, Haldir whispered, "Try to
blend…" He walked ahead of them, trying to look as if he
belonged.

Right - he blended. Long, silver hair, blowing in the gentle
breeze, his muscles glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, his
ass sweetly jiggling in his thin cotton undershorts, he blended
about as well as a panther trying to blend into snowdrift.

Leading them up a set of steep, spiraling stairs, they found
themselves looking down a dark, forbidding tube through which
water rushed. They watched in dumbfounded horror as humans
poured in a continuous stream from all around them, throwing
themselves gleefully into the tube. Haldir looked from the mouth
of the dark tunnel, and down the stairs to where the group from
the school had spotted them and were now climbing up after
them, and then back at the mouth of the tube. Making a decision,
he took a deep breath, summoning his all courage, and pushed
Aragorn down into the tube.

Screaming, the King of Gondor, in his tightie whities, slipped
down the wet tunnel and out of sight, his cries for echoing in the
tube.

Grima, hugging Gollum's cage to his skinny, concave chest,
moaned piteously as he was shoved down the tube next.

Haldir picked up Merry, Pippin, and Gimli and tossed the three of
them down the tube together.

Galadriel shot him a withering look as he reached for her,
freezing him in his tracks. Gracefully she sat down at the edge of
the tube. When she felt hands on her shoulders push her down
the the long, winding cylinder, she vowed, at the top of her lungs,
and in very colorful language, to castrate whose ever hands they
were - and she would find out, since, after all she was the
Elf-Witch.

Legolas and Haldir, the only two remaining members of the party
who were not, at them moment spiraling out of control down the
watertube, looked at each other, then down at the advancing
posse from the school, then back at each other. Shrugging, they
dove headfirst into the tube, figuring that whatever the end of the
tube held, it had to be better than being caught by the rampaging
gang of hormones that were nearly to the top of the stairs.

Spinning helplessly, they slid down the tube at tremendous
speeds, flying out of the bottom and into a pool of water with a
huge splash.

Bobbing to the surface like two blonde corks, they tread water,
looking around them.

Galadriel was sunning herself by the side of the pool, a gaggle
of drooling, prepubscent boys dropping quarters into the
bottomless cleft between her breasts.

Grima and Gollum (still in his cage, and not likely to be let out
anytime soon) were arguing with a security guard, who was
insisting that iguanas were not allowed in the park.

Merry, having produced a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion
- from Pippin's ass, and Pippin's still had a grin on it to prove it -
was happily lathering himself with oil. Gimli was busily wringing
out his beard, and Aragorn, having lost his undershorts in the
plunge, was trying desperately to hide the Gondor Family Jewels
with an empty soft drink cup.

Legolas and Haldir, emerging from the water of the pool, drew
the eye of every female - and half the males - in the area.
Sopping wet, their thin cotton undershorts now nearly
transparent, allowing everyone in the area to see everything they
owned, they stood at the edge of the pool, wringing out their long
hair.

Legolas looked at Haldir, flinging back his hair, which struck
Aragorn, knocking the Ranger back into the pool, and asked,
"That was fun! Want to go again?"