Knocking At Heaven's Door

Title: Knocking At Heaven's Door

Author: Emmess

Rating: NC17

Warnings: Everything I can think of without being overly gross and offensive.

Pairings: Um, yeah…everybody.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Tolkien, and really, not much of anything else.

Summary: Ever wonder what happens to fanfic writers after they die? Would heaven be heaven without Elves and sex? Um…no. No, it wouldn't.

"Milady," Legolas said, keeping his tone conversational, although I could tell he had a pressing problem from the rock hard lump rising behind me as we rode double toward Mirkwood, "I believe there are a few things about Mirkwood that I should tell you in advance…"

"No…I think I'd rather be surprised, Legolas, if you don't mind."

"You really may want to hear this…"

"No…I'd prefer to take things as they come," I replied, cringing even as the words left my lips.

"Speaking of taking things and coming…" he chuckled, his arm drawing me even further back against him, so that his heat penetrated the fabric of my dress.

"Sigh. You people had better learn the meaning of the word "restraint" or I'm going to wind up walking bowlegged," I replied, smacking him on the thigh.

"We only respond to what you want - you must know that by now," he whispered, his lips tickling at the back of my neck.

"Legolas…regardless of whether I wish to or not, I do NOT wish to do it on the back of your horse. The poor thing has it bad enough carrying the two of us, I am not about to subject it to you bouncing me around on it's back while it's trying to do so."

Legolas' horse snorted, tossing its nose in the air, flinging it silky mane, as if in agreement.

"You're no help, Arod," Legolas scolded his white steed. "I'm trying to talk the Lady into something here…"

I laughed, promising to take care of his rather stiff problem as soon as possible after we arrived in Mirkwood. "Legolas…will you give me an archery demonstration when we get to your home?"

"It would be my pleasure, Milady…I happen to have an arrow with your name on it!"

"Is that ALL you ever think about? Really…there has to be more to the afterlife than just sex, Legolas."

"Oh, well, certainly there is…of course, I can't think of anything at the moment…but I'll let you know when I do."

I laughed as he urged Arod into a gallop, the scenery flying by as we approached the forests of Mirkwood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mouth of the Great Cavern yawned open like a gigantic female body part, and, knowing what I now knew about Heaven, I was certain that the Elves planned it that way on purpose.

Golden Elves darted here and there on the courtyard of the Cavern, all stopping and waving at Legolas as we rode in. He returned their waves in a very Princely manner, nodding regally at everyone who acknowledged him.

Reining Arod to a stop, Legolas dismounted with his usual grace, lifting me down from the saddle. Another Elf winked at me, before taking Arod's reins and leading the lovely white horse away.

Taking my arm, Legolas led me toward the Great Cavern, pausing just before entering. "I really feel that I need to warn you about…"

"Legolas…I've made through an Elf-orgy in Lorien, you and Haldir's little domination celebration, the twins' exhibitionism, Glorfindel and Erestor's version of the Discovery Channel, and playing "living statues" with Elrond and his illustrated guide to the Kama Sutra. There's nothing that can shock me anymore!"

Legolas sighed, shaking his golden head. "Very well, but do not say that I did not try to warn you…come and greet my Ada, then," he said, leading me into the Great Cavern.

Entering the dim, cool interior of the Great Cavern, it took a few moments for my eyes to adjust after leaving the bright sunshine outside. The first thing I noticed was that the Great Cavern needed a good cleaning. Dust was thick on every surface, and spider webs were strung from the wagon wheel chandeliers that hung from the high ceilings.

"I thought Elves were supposed to be fastidiously clean," I murmured to Legolas, running my finger through the dust on a nearby sconce.

"It themes…trust me."

The second thing I noticed was the eerie similarity of the Great Cavern to a certain horror flick made back in the thirties. It looked for all the world like the entry hall of Dr. Frankenstein's castle.

"You know, a good interior decorator could work wonders with this place," I whispered.

"Again…it themes…trust me."

"Themes with what?" I asked Legolas, finally taking the bait.

"Themes with that…" Legolas answered nodding his head at the top of the red carpeted stairway that rose from the back of the center of the Hall.

My eyes followed his gaze to the top of the stairs. If I hadn't already been dead, I'm sure that I would have gone blind.

Standing posed at the top of the stairs was the Elf I dimly remembered from my welcoming dinner as being Thranduil, King of Mirkwood. Unfortunately, he looked absolutely NOTHING like I remembered…

His golden tresses were teased into a riotous halo of rather frizzy curls. Although his body was firm and lean, and extremely well-muscled, it was clad in black leather bustier and matching black bikini-cut underwear. Sheer, black silk thigh-high stockings encased his legs, attached to garters that trailed up his creamy thighs. He teetered on six inch heeled black patent leather platform shoes, but gracefully extended his black elbow-length fingerless gloved arms, in a welcoming gesture. Most discomforting of all was his lovely face, garishly made up with bright blue eyeshadow, false eyelashes, and ruby red lipstick.

I wasn't quite sure what shocked me more…the fact that Thranduil was dressed in drag, or the fact that he burst into song.

"Legolas…" I whispered, clutching at the Prince's arm.

"I tried to warn you…you wouldn't listen…" he whispered back.

"Legolas…"

"I know, I know…he's in drag."

"Legolas…"

"I know, I know…he thinks he's Tim Curry."

Legolas firmed his grip on my elbow, leading me toward the prancing Elf at the top of the stairs.

"Adar…you remember our lovely guest from the welcoming dinner, don't you?" Turning to me, Legolas rolled his eyes, and said, "Milady, surely you remember my Adar…King Thranduil of Mirkwood."

"A pleasure, my sweet…" Thranduil cooed, taking my hand and kissing it, leaving a smudge of bright red lipstick on the back of my hand.

"The pleasure is all mine, Your Majesty," I managed to choke out, trying desperately to be polite.

"Oh, it will be, my dear…it will be…" Thranduil purred. "Legolas, don't you have archery practice or something?"

"No Adar…not at the moment."

"Legolas…surely there is something you need to be doing…" Thranduil said, frowning at the Prince.

"No, not really, Adar…"

"Legolas…get lost. Beat it. Disappear. Make like the wind and blow."

"Oh." Turning to me, Legolas sheepishly smiled an apology. "I will see to that archery demonstration a bit later, Milady…"

"Don't you dare leave me alone with him, Legolas!" I hissed, grabbing hold of his hand.

"Don't worry…he doesn't bite," Legolas whispered in my ear, sliding his hand out of my death grip. "Not often, at any rate."

He bowed to his father, kissed me on the cheek, and was gone - just like that, leaving me alone with Thranduil, Queen of the Desert.